A Hope Long Forgotten

*Warning; fowl and inappropriate language.*

You’ve been warned



Prologue



I learned long ago that people should not, and cannot, be trusted. I know that if I do end up loving or caring again I will only regret it. Everyone wants something from you, and will do anything to get it. That’s why I continue to push everyone away, that’s why I am alone. I pushed and pushed until I had no one. That’s the reason people are afraid of me, and that’s how I want it to be.



I may be alone, but at least I know why, and I’m willing to sacrifice having people around me if it means that I don’t ever have to feel. Unlike others, I see past the lies, I see through the masks people put on to keep themselves hidden. And I know that their masks are there for a reason, not to keep from getting hurt, not to hide their over active emotions. But to keep from you their real intentions and motives, to trick you into trusting them so they can get what they want.



They know that if you trust them, even if they make a “mistake”, you will continue to trust them, continue to forgive them. And t hey will continue playing their little games, and each time you lose a part of yourself. They won’t stop playing you until you’re an empty shell of a person. Until you are all dried up and dead and have nothing left to offer. That’s when they’ll finally leave.



And that’s when you fall apart, it shouldn’t matter any more. But it’s so depressing it hurts. After all the torture and pain you already went through you didn’t think you would feel anything anymore, you thought you would no longer care. But you were wrong, all the feelings you’ve ever felt come rushing at you with no mercy. All the tears and suffering come at just as they had before, but this time the feelings are more intense.



They hit you and you fall, begging for mercy, hopelessly praying to be numb for the rest of your life. But your pleas for relief are ignored. They were never answered before, they’re not being answered now, and you know that you will be shown no compassion or understanding. Regardless, you manage to whimper out your dreams and wishes in short broken breathes.



And that’s how you’ll spend all your time. Breaking down with fury and anger you will go off and do the same thing to others just to show them the pain that you feel. It’s a never ending cycle, people will always try and hurt you, and most of the time they will hurt you. I’ve seen it happen to others, I’ve watched it spread out like a wild fire, I’ve lived it. I’ve felt everything, and I gave those awful feelings to everyone I once cared about.       



I have done horrible things, things that should not be forgiven, cannot be forgotten. It should haunt me forever, it should be eating away at my soul, killing me as slowly as possible. Finding my every weakness and using it against me, giving me a taste of what I have done to others. But it’s not, I remain unaffected by the decisions I have made, and that is how I shall remain. I am not sorry, I have no regrets, nor guilt. And, to be honest, I would probably do it all again the exact same if I was given the chance. My name is Roxanne and this my story…