Remembering Pet

Now Pet, God bless her, was a girl with an agenda. She’d crossed the vast expanse, all the way from Jamaica she’d come, and set foot upon dear old Blighty. What she wanted was to marry a British man; preferably a rich Brit, get the passport, the nationality, and hey presto, the good life begins. But life’s never quite that simple, is it? But, looking at it from her point of view, or from any point of view, Britain boasts a population of some fifty six million people, divide that by two – that’s twenty six million blokes, now take away those too young, say a third, (forget about those too old, no such a thing in Pet’s eyes, in fact the older the better) so divide twenty six million by three, and that still leaves her almost nine million fellas, well lets say a round nine million. And all she has to do is to get one, just one. Don’t sound too ‘ard does it? The odds looked in her favour.



Now speaking of favour, Pet had one massive weapon in her arsenal; she was a shapely young thing. And if a girl baits that hook, then as every boy and girl knows, she will get her fish, and – sorry to keep on about this, but all she needed was one, just that one man. To say that Pet wanted a British passport doesn’t really do justice to her desire, she craved it, spent every waking minute thinking about it, and probably dreamt about it too, get the idea? So if morals had to be lowered a bit, then so be it, a small price to pay.



Pet’s mum lived in Brum, that’s Birmingham to those that don’t know, so off she set for dear old Brum. She got a job as a part-time cleaner in a local office block. I worked there as a security guard, and that’s how we met. I don’t know how long she’d been in Blighty before bumping into me, but as yet she hadn’t met her man. But with just a look, probably less than that, her bait found my eager, lecherous eye.



I spoke to her in the smoker’s room on the second floor. My interest must have been clear; she couldn’t take that huge grin off her face. She told me straight, told me clear, she wanted to marry me! But we’ve just met, well ok, but what’s in it for me I queried? Sex, she replied. Hm, I suggested a long engagement, she ignored that. To be honest I thought she was joking about the whole thing, but I asked what she was doing after work. And as it turned out she had nothing planned. So I asked if she fancied coming for a drink? Yeah, her face full of a smile and a brilliant twinkle in her eye.



We went for a drink, and I invited her back to my place for a bite to eat. She said yes before I’d even finished asking. Back at mine, I announced that I was going for a bath and that she should feel free to come in and wash my front. Well, I had a rival; East Enders was on the box, what man can compete? So she didn’t take up my invite, but after the stupid soap had finished she announced that she was going to have a bath, mine now finished. Did I say make yourself at home? Well anyway, that’s fine. I asked her to shout out if she wanted her front washing.  After waiting for about five minuets with no sign of a shout, I decided to seize the initiative, naughty old me! I knocked on the bathroom door and asked if she felt in the mood for a good old scrubbing. Come right in, so I did, and found her stood naked in the bath. Oh boy! The idea that she might have been joking was starting to fade, rapidly. Its getting to that adult part now so if you don’t want to hear the rest, now’s the time to stop, or pull the curtains and carry on reading.



Without going into too much detail, we ended up in the bedroom, surprise surprise. At the critical juncture she posed the question: have you got a condom? Er, no. No condom, no sex. Damn. I put all the kit back on and ran down to the corner pub. I had to change a note and there was a deep queue at the bar, time for another damn. Waited and waited, got a half, shame to waste it, so I drunk it straight down, and made a b-line for the men’s room, put the coin in the machine, got the pack and ran all the way back. Hoping that she was the same as I’d left her. I found Pet on the settee with a bath towel wrapped round, watching the box. So I grabbed her by the hand and took her back to the bedroom.



So, a little bit of time wasted, but back to the fray. Now its been a deal of time since I last used a condom, but I know all the theory etc, so why was it that I couldn’t open the damn pack?  I turned it this way, turned it that way, scratched at the edges, but no luck; then my eye was caught by a little white thing on the top right hand side. I pressed it, something fell to the floor! I tried again, this time with my hand underneath, a small round white thing landed in my hand. What’s that?? I looked at the pack, which read  - Smints. Smints, what’s that? Mints! Mints! I’d brought a pack of goddamn mints!! Since when did the anonymous they, start putting mints in the men’s room? And why is that no one had told me? Now a delicate moment had been arrived at. What could I tell her? What could I say? Be right back, I declared. Got all the kit back on and ran all the way back to the pub, at least this time I didn’t have to queue at the bar. I made straight for the men’s room and looked that damn machine right in the eye. And there it was, write large - Smints mints. Why hadn’t I seen it? I didn’t even notice the machine right beside it, but it was the first one I’d come to and I didn’t question it, thought it was THE machine, why else would it be there? Second time round and much the wiser, I took my time to read, and yep, I’d found the right machine, put the coin in and got the pack. Ran all the way back. And finally passions’ desire was fulfilled. You see, as an adult bit that weren’t too smutty was it?



I guess I could put the jolly old pen down and end right here, but it don’t really do justice to dear old Pet, her story’s not done just yet. Now Pet, God bless her, had a feeling that in me she’d met THE man, but! Oh Pet, a man you had found yes, but not a fool. Soon her true colours seen: “Buy me a pair of trainers”, only ninety pounds. “Only ninety pounds!” Then if that’s all why don’t you buy them?” “Oh, its only ninety pounds,” so I offered to buy the right one if she brought the left, or better still I offered to buy her a pair of knickers instead, all heart aren’t I?  “If you don’t marry me, there is another way I can stay in this country!” “ Oh? Yes!” “ I can become a full-time student.”  “Hm, good idea.” “ Only thing is I need a sponsor.” “ Yes?” “ Someone to pay my fee, it’s only three thousand pounds.”  Why didn’t I see that one coming?  “Oh, you don’t need to pay it all.” Nice of her! “Pay just a bit.” “Oh yeah!”



Then I broke the worst of all news to dear old Pet, I’m not rich. If she looked around a bit she could see that, but she was looking with greed’s eye and the other man’s grass is always greener type thing. Well, not surprisingly things kind of fizzled out between me and Pet, she moved on, got another job somewhere, and for a long time I never heard anything from her. Then she called and asked if I wanted to meet, yeah, said I. We met just outside Tesco, really romantic a! She’d put on a bit of weight, but still looked fine.



We went back to mine, I bet that surprised you. She draped herself all provocatively over the settee, so we ended up back in the bedroom, now this time I did have some condoms. Tick tock…About three hours later I gave her a lift back home, well not home exactly, she asked to be dropped off on some corner, so I didn’t know where she lived, not that it really interested me. “Thanks for today,” she said “and if you want to meet again just call me.” She still had that grin all over her face and the brilliant twinkle in her eye. Did I call her? You bet. But all I got was piped music, now have a guess at how many times I tried that number, wrong – I lost count after forty two million, but all I got was that damn music. I wonder if that was deliberate? A funny bunch of blokes those women, you never know, and I still haven’t worked ‘em out, but I’ve never seen her since! I sometimes wonder about her and how she got on, did she ever find her man?