Time..what a bitch...

So it seems times are always changing...even if I don't want them too. We become older, some of us wiser. Then we pass away. It all seems so useless...the pain of someone dying. What honestly do we gain from someone leaving us? It doesn't matter what wrong they have done or how important to you they were...once they are gone it stings like a SOB. And then you sit there and you think of all these things you would like to share with this person. I guess for me the loss of my mom was more painful and shocking because I always thought there would be time. Time to fix the pain, time to talk and love and share and have that relationship we should have had. But there was no time. I hadn't seen her in 3 years and I hadn't talked to her in 3 months. She was there and BOOM! then she wasn't. It doesn't seem fair and it's useless. Death and pain they are just useless. I have sat there many nights over the almost year that my mom has been dead trying to find some reason ... any reason. Not that it would make me feel any better. But I would like some reason for it all.

    Then there is the constant feeling like I am alone or I am doing something wrong. It's like this.. no one likes to be alone, I got that, but for me being alone is soooo... sooo... empty. I feel like I am worth nothing when I feel alone. I know I am not alone, I have an amazing family, an amazing fiance.... I just feel sometimes the pain that shouldn't be there anymore.

      I just wish things wouldn't change so much. I want my mom here.. I want to fix things with her. And I don't want to hear it's impossible or it would never happen.. Because dammit... I WANT MY MOM! And I want my Nana here.. it wasn't fair! You get men..sick perverted sadistic men/women who rape and kill and hurt and they live forever! And then you get people like my nana who never did nothin' to no one. Never hurt anyone in their life. Did their best to be there in every way..to love and who sacrificed everything they had for someone else. And they die.. they suffer and they die. It just isn't right and it just isn't fair. Every time I search for a reason...an explanation everyone wants to preach at me. Well ya know what folks..I sat in church every Sunday. I listened to the pastor. I read the same Bible. Sang the same Hymns. Said the same prayer. And even took the same communion. You aren't telling me anything I don't already know. BUT I AM HURTING AND I NEED TO GET IT OUT BEFORE I EXPLODE!!! You tell me God will do this and God will do that and I don't doubt you.. I really don't. But you have to realize..at that point, I am hurting, I am depressed, I am grieving and all your preaching is going to do is piss me off. I don't need you telling me it's been four years since my grandmother's death that I need to let it go .. "a healthy grieving period" is a year. Blow it out your ass buddy! No one grieves the same way..no one hurts the same. It is different for all of us.

      So all you wanna be Dr. Phils and Oprahs and whoever the hell else you are trying to be by telling me that "my grieving period should be over" you can just go sit on a pickle and call yourself a hamburger 'cause I don't wanna hear it anymore! I don't care if you think it's healthy. If crying is the only thing that is going to stop me from punching someone right in the face and pulling their brain out through that hole then just let me cry dammit. I am not hurting you. Sure it may irritate you..but tell me that. Then I can break your face.. then when you cry I can comment how you are irritating me! *Heavy sigh* I feel a bit better... sorry for being so violent. I really am not the kinda person to put my hands on someone first...that is just my annoyance speaking. I am so tired of people telling me I am not doing this right or that right. Hell my own stepdad has blocked me because I am not "right" in his eyes. I have had enough of letting people shit all over me and me just sitting by saying.."oh they don't mean it" or "oh they don't really feel that way..they are just mad. It will be okay later". You know what FUCK THAT! It's never going to be okay. They will never stop being judgmental pushy assholes who can and will walk all over everyone! And once they realize you are their little door mat..that's it...they will keep wiping their shit kickers all over your dumbfounded face. Sorry pastor..but I only have so many cheeks to turn. And after a while you know those damn cheeks hurt! So I am done. You shit on me..I shit right back.