Hank's Christmas advice.

Just something I wrote for a few friends of mine for Christmas. Probably not as funny as I intended, but whatever.

Note to my friends reading this: There are some inside jokes in it between me and one or two of you, so, yeah, don't get confused).


Hank’s advice for family Christmas Parties.

1. Be careful getting a Santa. I have screwed up here plenty of times and I know what to look for when deciding who is NOT your Santa Clause. For starters:
Do they work part time as a Stripper?
Do they work full time as a prostitute?
Have they been arrested in the past month?
Are they drunk? Buzzed counts. (but, if you’re desperate, they’ll do, as long as they aren’t a mean drunk)
Were they fired from teaching Kindergarten? Especially if they left a kid with some strange phobia?

2. Never tell anyone Santa is a communist. Yes, the red clothes and elf-labor camp is hard to deny, but this still pisses people off. Don’t even bother compromising on ‘Slave-master’.

3. If you can’t remember someone’s name, don’t use a basic description of them in your cards. For example, don’t start a letter to your aunt with ‘Merry Christmas, Fat Ass’.

4. If someone brought Karaoke to your Christmas, never invite them again. Besides that, don’t sing
‘The Night Santa Went Crazy’ if there are children present.

5. Is perfectly acceptable to let kids drink eggnog, slightly annoying to let them drink alcoholic eggnog, and rum is always a bad idea.

6. Children RECIEVE Christmas Presents. Children are not Christmas Presents (even if you don’t want them anymore)

7. Christmas celebrates the birth of Jesus Christ. Not the tyranny of the Late Roman Empire as they forcibly convert the native pagans of Europe. So, the lesson is about love, not killing everyone who disagrees with you. That’s what election day if for.

8. While we’re on the subject, reenacting The Nativity is always considered a beautiful idea, unless you reenact the birth. This is especially disturbing if you do it accurately (Mary was around thirteen). I got a LOT of angry letters that year.

9. Sometimes old traditions can be fun to visit, like Mistletoe, others not so much. For example, in Finland people used to dress up like goat people to scare naughty children. If you have a kid, you know this is a bad idea.

10. It’s okay to have both, Santa’s Sleigh and the Nativity. It’s not okay to have Santa visiting the barn with presents or Jesus steering the sleigh. If Baby Jesus shows up riding Rudolph, as awesome as that is, people will still get offended.

11. Don’t recycle decorations from the last two holidays. Pilgrims should not be in the manger, skeletons should not pull the sleigh (although, once again, that would be awesome).

12. Yes, he sees you when you’re sleeping, he only knows if you’re awake, don’t point out the fat man’s a perv. People get pissed. Especially if you get to the whole ‘Naughty or Nice’ thing.

13. No, Joe Hughes is not Santa Clause.

14. He might be an elf, though…

15. While playing Santa, don’t act out the effects of obesity. Especially not heart attacks (especially not in front of children).

16. Don’t hide cigarettes in Santa’s Beard.

17. Don’t hit on the Elves. They hit back.

18. Santa does not act like Elvis.

19. The Elves are not children. You still can’t hit on them.

20. Elves are not ammo. They aren’t target practice either.

21. If the guy who was supposed to play Santa has a broken arm, you should get a replacement. You should not tell the kids “There was an incident with a helicopter”.

22. Stop telling the kids Santa’s a Kryptonian. I don’t care if seems to have the right powers.

24. He isn’t a Time Lord either.

25. If you’re gay, don’t come out of the closet while dressed as Santa or by using the mistletoe. But if you can do both, way to go.

26. Santa’s Sleigh, a movie about how Santa Clause got started, is a great movie to let the kids watch. Santa’s Slay, a horror movie about a demonic all-seeing Santa out to kill everyone, is not a great movie to let the kids watch. It’s probably not a great movie to let anyone watch.

Hank’s Gift Advice
1. If you’re going to get some one a pet for Christmas, don’t forget to put holes in the box. Also, don’t wait until after the animal is in the box to stab holes in it. Yes, they will always remember this Christmas, but it’s still not a good thing.

2. Porn is not a Christmas Present.

3. Prostitutes are not Christmas Presents.

4. For some people it’s a good present, but don’t give a police officer a bag of weed.

5. If you forgot to get a kid a Christmas present, rush out a find something, do NOT tell them they’re on the Naughty list.

6. Porn is not a Christmas Present. I know I already said that once, but I had to learn that lesson a few times.

7.Don’t give someone diet pills for Christmas. Even if they do need them.

8.If you get a kid something in a Playstation box, and it’s not a Playstation, they will hate you.

Hanks Tips to Make Christmas More ‘Interesting’

1. Tell people the eggnog is nonalcoholic when it is. Just wait and listen.

2. Santa Stripper.

3. Get your eighty year old grandma into a snowball fight.

4. Move a large metal sheet in front of the chimney, nailing it in place. If anyone asks, tell them “I got plans for the fat man.”

5. Invite the family over to watch a holiday movie. Put in “Santa’s Slay”

6. If you have a pet, most people think it’s ‘cute’ to act like their giving people Christmas presents, I don’t, but whatever. Sign a letter in their name, make it out to someone, and stick it on their box. Then stick a dead bird in the box, the kind of gift one would actually give. Let’s hope this ends the tradition.

7. Dress up like Santa. Break into somebody’s house. If the people there are drunk, you can take whatever you want. If not, RUN FAT MAN RUN!!