Loss of the Heart

  The cold breeze slammed on the old and dirty pavement below me. The trees rustled silently as the breeze whistled a tune of solitude in my ears. The wind carried its troubles over to the fallen leaves that once crunched underneath my feet. Their drained and fragile appeal was nonexistent in my eyes.

  The wind blew fiercely in my direction, almost as if I was its target. I stood there, unharmed as the wind whipped through my hair, violently welcoming me with a deceiving dance of loneliness and death. My eyelashes fluttered in the winds embrace, folding over the tops of my eyelids. But, I did not move nor cringe at the mild cold. I took no notice of the people walking up and down the main street that was randomly scattered with dirty leaves. The only sense I allowed right now was my sense of hearing. All of my other senses at this time were dormant and as numb as usual.

  My eyes were dull. A gray haze had been plastered over my crystal eyes. I had not been thinking clearly for some time now. It had been almost five months since I lost my heart. I found no closure in pinning up signs of my dying and missing heart, in hopes that I would find it again. I was not willing to profess my desperation to the world. I found a bittersweet and disturbing refuge in my broken and unstable mind. A place dwelled inside me, a place of complete and utter suffocation.

  As I gazed lethargically at the empty space in the depths of my mind, I could hear the rustling of the leaves, the quiet snap that sounded when a leaf was falling from one of the trees. The wind gracefully maneuvered its way through and around the strands of my black and lengthy hair. The welcoming and fragile kisses placed upon my cheek sent quiet chills of belonging in my soul.

  My lips were stubborn and weak. I was restraining myself from letting them tremble. My jaw was shut tight. It took all the strength I had left, which wasn't much at this point, to stop myself from falling on my knees. My body was keeping its own wit about itself.

  I was standing still, my feet firmly placed on the hard ground below me. My arms were tucked close to my body and my hands were knotted up into battle-ready fists. My body felt like hard marble stone, a statue in the blistering wind. A statue that was not willing to move for anything.

  My mind raced with empty concerns and hopeless faith. My heart beat at a steady and easy pace. Every heartbeat reminded me that I had no heart. It posed a question to me, a question I wasn't willing to figure out.

  The wind blew silently, the constant whistling in my ears, the soft breaths it took, the gentle kisses they placed on my rosy cheeks. I tried to ignore the fact that the wind was flirting with me. My teeth clenched even harder, my eyes stung without the forming of tears. They were dry and sore. Red tear marks lined the outside of my eyes. A sudden wave of forgotten emotion swept over my face and I realized I was standing in the same spot where I had left my heart. The same spot where I could feel that I had a heart. The same spot where my heart left me.

  My stomach flipped and churned with disgust. A gagging reflex washed over me. My lips grew sore from my consistent restraint and my strength was failing me. They trembled violently, my teeth tried to keep a steady sense of stability inside me, but it wasn't enough. The familiar bittersweet water started to blur my vision. The wind blew an icy and cool breath across the center of my eyes. My vision soon turned cloudy and all I could see was nothing but the face of my tears. The familiar wave of emotion hit me again, it was less violent, but it hurt just the same. My lips trembled at an uncontrollable rate. I knew I couldn't stop it now. It was too late.

  Slowly and painfully a single earth shattering tear spread at the corner of my eye. Inch by agonizing inch it slowly framed the side of my cheekbone and slid down to welcome my trembling lips. I bit my tongue in hopes that I would still be able to control it, but it only caused my tongue to bleed under the horrendous and strenuous pressure.

  It grew harder to breathe, my lungs suddenly burst with a stolen breath. Puffs of imaginary ashes spewed from the insides of my nonexistent heart. My lips parted and I gasped for fresh air. The suffocation was too much for me. My eyes furrowed in a painful realization, one that hoped I didn't have to face.

  Silent tears slowly streamed down the sides of my cheeks. The gasps grew frequent as I shamefully fell to pieces. The wind's embrace yet again swirled around me, watching me suffer. My fists were clenched in weak balls while my body stood there shaking violently. Quite sobs of agony and pain were uttered from my still trembling lips. My hair gently whipped around my face, shielding it from some bystander's glances. My eyes grew heavy with guilt and exhaustion but the tears continued to flow.

  Each tear traced over the invisible scars of tears that had fallen before. Each stung with equal intensity. I felt like my lungs were about to give out and my body was on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall and collapse.

  My face burned red as my breathing grew scarce. All of the memories came flooding back into my empty mind, memories of happiness, of light, of warmth and love. Those memories were too much to handle. I felt my body stagger internally, as if someone had forcefully shoved their arm inside my chest and ripped and clawed at the empty space inside. My sobs were silent and deadly, they echoed in my head, a constant ringing in my ears.

  The heart I once had tortured me with episodes like these. All because I couldn't find it, that one missing piece that I could never get back, the one thing that kept me whole. Now, it was gone forever. My breathing was shaky and certainly unstable, but the mask I had worn for so long dulled down my internal brawls.

  My eyes still trembled with quiet tears. They still fell and stained random locks of my hair. A sudden breeze swept over my face and pushed the tears away from my face. I didn't bother to open my eyes, but I wanted to. I wanted to see what was sending this sensation of comfort and warmth inside my soul, a sense of bandaging up my open wounds.

  My eyes fluttered open with sudden hope and as soon as I opened them I wished I hadn't for I saw nothing, no one special in front of me. No one I wanted to see. All I saw was the gravestone I had not visited in months, the one gravestone I promised I would never visit again. The one gravestone I had just cried over.

  My tears were small and delicate as I gazed upon the cold slab of stone before me. They fell gently and softly down my face and landed on a single thriving rose I had forgotten about.

  I stood there, with-standing the odd sensation of the mild wind blowing around me. I stared at the stone as I blinked away my final tears of agony and pain. The hurt still stung inside, it never left in that moment. It felt raw and numb.

  I parted my mouth to speak one last time to a person whom I would never hear a reply from ever again. I gulped through the pain that resided in me and spoke through a hoarse and broken voice. "I miss you". I could feel the pain coming back, the aching sensation that ripped at my soul. My hands balled into fists again and the wind welcomed me with bitter remorse. I looked down on the grave, bit my lip and waited for the reply that never came.




[AUTHOR'S NOTE: This piece was inspired by the song "Breathing Space" By X-ray Dog]