Panic and Sanity.

I'm sitting here, fighting back the urge to vomit. I close my eyes and rest my head on the hard cushioned gym matt, hoping no one's watching. I take a deep breath and count to ten, then exhale, trying to stay unnoticed. Just twenty more minutes until school's over, I think again and again. I don't know how much longer I can stay sane.
Why am I crying so badly? Why can't I just stop? Everybody thinks I'm insane now, I know they do. This makes me cry even harder. I choke back sobs as my heart beat quickens. Deep breaths, deep breaths. Shit, someone noticed me. It's exactly what I wanted, and exactly what I didn't want. I look down and see my leg is shaking still, I stop it with my hand. I feel like I'm crawling out of my own skin, everybody must notice, how could they not?
I bet I'm the kid. The weird loner everyone feels bad for. The one nobody wants to be seen talking to. I wish I'd just stop crying. Why doesn't anyone seem to care? I can feel everyone look at me, whisper about me. They know. They all know. I feel my breathing quicken again, and I hold my breath for as long as possible. I wipe the smeared makeup from under my eyes, and notice I'm shaking again. I pull my knees closer to my chest, tilt my head back slightly, and close my eyes. Maybe people won't recognize I'm having a meltdown, maybe they'll just think I'm tired this way. I remember the techniques I learned on how to deal with panic attacks. I remember my favorite being the muscle excersize. I tense all my muscles, and relax.
I open me eyes to see a girl staring at me with obvious concern, or disgust, I can't distinguish the two. " Are you okay? " she asks. I nod and fake a smile, explaining I'm just tired. Great, everybody thinks I'm crazy now. Maybe I am crazy? I feel crazy. Do crazy people recognize when they're losing their sanity? I feel it slipping, so maybe I'm just on the brink. Does questioning your sanity make you crazy? I'm definitely crazy, no ifs ands or buts.
I snap my eyes open again at the sound of my voice. The whispering and voices get louder and louder, I'm hearing people whisper my name. I know everybody hates me, everyones talking about me, I should just kill myself. Yes, that's exactly what I'll do. I wonder if anyone would come to my funeral? I hope to god, they will. No, god isn't real. He can't be. If god was real, he wouldn't put me through this. Finally, the bell rings.