Decisions

DECISIONS

Caitlan stood in the doorway not knowing which way to go. So terrified of making the wrong decision now. The hard decisions had been made she thought but now realised this was an even bigger decision.

Still young in years but old in experience, Caitlan hesitated in taking the next step. Friends had offered her a bed and even a room but she needed a job and quick. Coming to that thought made the decision of direction easy – head to the employment agencies.

She felt light and free walking away from that home. Home being a loose term. Her family had always seemed to distance themselves from her as if she would infect them though with what she didn't know. Left out of much of the family's life the choice to leave was not so hard in the end.

Caitlan entered the first agency she found. She hoped the backpack and other bag wouldn't disadvantage her chances of work. First impressions and all that. Tania greeted her as she entered introducing herself. She was friendly and encouraging while she explained how they worked and the forms needed to be filled out. Caitlan waited for her test after filling out all the forms. She hoped form filling wasn't a job!

Digging out one of the books she couldn't leave behind, Caitlan read until her appointment. Tania assured her it was fine to wait there eventhough it would be several hours.

Mrs Hastings was polite and efficient but rather intimidating like an old school matron. Trying to be confident Caitlan answered questions. Naturally no work experience meant limited opportunities. After her interview Mrs Hastings asked her to wait outside again while she had her last interview before lunch.

Caitlan was awash with ideas and thoughts and feelings, wondering why Mrs Hastings would ask her to wait. It seemed like days before Mrs Hastings came and asked Caitlan to join her for lunch as she wished to discuss Caitlan's interests. She felt even more scared, that mortal fear that stayed with her most of the time – family!

They headed down the street to a lovely cafe where they could sit outside. Caitlan wasn't a heavy smoker, not having thought about one, but now she was so tense she really needed the action just to use up some adrenalin fuelled energy. Mrs Hastings came to her rescue immediately pulling out a packet and offering on to Caitlan.

Feeling a little more relaxed by Mrs Hastings manner Caitlan asked what her chances of a job were. “Average” replied Mrs Hastings “but I do have an idea which is why I wanted to talk a little more.” The waiter arrived ready to take their order. More embarrassment thought Caitlan ash she could not use the little money she had on a cafe meal. Again  Mrs Hastings seemed to understand or know and ordered a plate of mixed sandwiches for two. Water was on the table for which Caitlan was grateful. All this stress made her very thirsty.

Mrs Hastings asked Caitlan “What makes you happy?”

Caitlan was so confused and still scared knowing that she had nowhere arranged to stay the night but tried to put such thoughts out of her head and concentrate on the conversation. It was a few minutes before Caitlan answered this particularly difficult question as she had never had the chance to find out 3what she liked or what made her happy. She only knew how to behave so that the family was happy. The only answer she could come up with was “I really don't know.”

Somehow Caitlan felt it was almost the answer  Mrs Hastings expected.  Mrs Hastings started to explain the reason for lunch when it arrived leaving Caitlan still in suspense. Was she going to tell her to go back to her parents? If only she knew but Caitlan had made a pact with herself not to talk about her family. They didn't seem to want to know her or care for her the way they did for each other, an alien in her own family.

Finally after only half a sandwich  Mrs Hastings started talking again. She was talking about travelling the world and what wonderful sight there were to see. Caitlan was interested ev en if it was only because an adult was talking to her as a person. Of course Caitlan had experienced such before but really only by friend's parents but never on a one to one basis. A wonderful experience for the day Caitlan thought, no matter what else happens.

They chatted generally about places and then Mrs Hastings asked if she had ever thought of travelling. 'HA!' thought Caitlan but said “not especially.”

“Do you think you would like travelling?”

“OH YES” Caitlan enthusiastically answered “I would love to see the world but ...”

Mrs Hastings then gave Caitlan a bit of a geography workout. She was able to answer most of the questions and Mrs Hastings encouraged her to expand each answer. It seemed this was what Mrs Hastings was looking for. Caitlan was fascinated with other cultures having coped with her family rejection by submersing herself in books – anything that could be read. Caitlan had loved school, maybe as a respite from home, finishing at only 16. No scholarship meant no university for which Caitlan would have endured another three years but more likely would have moved to a group university house. Her family had told her she was lucky they let her stay to finish Year 12 as they could have made her leave at 15.

Lunch had ended with Caitlan more confused than before. Mrs Hastings asked Caitlan if she was able to drop in to the office the next day. “Sure” she replied “what time?”

“First up is good for me”

Mrs Hastings was walking away but stopped and turned back. 'Here is the fall' thought Caitlan but she was wrong. Mrs Hastings had remembered that Caitlan had told her she did not have and address nor a phone number. “Where will you sleep tonight?” Mrs Hastings asked.

“I don't know yet”

“Come back to the office at 5pm, you can stay with my family and myself tonight. “It would be good to have more time to talk.”

Caitlan was overcome. The tears started to fall without her realising. She felt as if she would faint her heart was beating so hard. “Are you sure? You don't even know me. Wont your family mind? Won't ”

“Not at all” interrupted Mrs Hastings. “I must rush now, see you at 5pm.”

Caitlan just sat. The waiter cleared the table asking if there was anything she needed. She just shook her head unable to speak for fear of completely breaking down. Quickly gathering her gear she headed off with great intent – the park was what she needed.

'Ahhh the trees, the peace, the tranquillity' she thought. She found a wonderful big tree and set up for the afternoon. After hugging the tree she lay down on her rug looking up at the sky. 'All blue, nature so beautiful, how did you create humans? No negatives! Just wallow in the joy of possibilities, the beauty of the trees and other plants, the glorious blue sky with just one tiny wisp of cloud. Was that a smile in that cloud and smiled too. Today was good. Tomorrow is another day.'