Hope you have a sense of humor

’m 5’ 4’ and bald but it’s ok because my ear and nose hair is long enough that I have a very convincing comb over the one draw back is every time I sneeze I have to wipe the back of my head but the ear wax does work great as hair gel. My right leg is shorter then my left so it often looks as though I‘m standing on the deck of the Titanic as it’s rolling over to sink.
I am proud to say that I am the Guinness world book of records holder for the largest booger ever picked and eaten.
I have had several arguments with my thumb but I usually lose because it’s got a better vocabulary then me and makes very good points………. and people say I’m crazy!!!!
I think showers, deodorant, soap and toothpaste are highly over-rated… It’s just a conspiracy by the advertising and manufacturing corporations to get us to buy things we don’t really need, besides I like the way the light glistens off the yellowish tint of my tooth and I have heard that the smell of rotten-crotch and dragon breath are a very powerful aphrodisiacs.
I do have one flaw, When I get nervous I tend to fart….Did I mention I am very high strung? Don’t worry though if we go on a date no one will hear them they tend to be hot, sticky and silent and if they stink we‘ll blame it on the table next to us.
I just had a thought….. If your zipper is down and someone says, “Hey your fly is down”
What do flies say to each other? “Hey humans are going crawl out of there if you don’t zip up?” (See how much of a philosopher I am? Deep and meaningful thoughts just like that are always running through my head)
Ok quick story… Two flies are sitting on a terd one lifts his leg and lets out this huge fart.
The other looks disgusted at him and says, “Hey do you mind I’m trying to eat over here!”
I am very creative I make my own jewelry. I’ve just finished a stunning necklace and ring set made completely out of knuckle hair and dried cat urine. I will admit the smell does take some getting use to.
Now I know by now I have your attention and your experiencing one of three reactions
#1. After reading that I feel as if I need to wash my brain out with soap and take a bath in rubbing alcohol.
#2. OK, corny, a little gross but funny. Not puckering my butt cheeks so I don’t pee my pants funny but I did crack a smile.
#3. That has got to be the sexiest description of a man I’ve ever read. The things I would do to that man with a live chicken a weed eater and a tub of cool whip.

OK if your are experiencing #3 you’re a LITTLE too freaky for me.

Alright I’ll stop screwing around. The truth is I’m not desperately looking for someone, if I make a connection groovy, if I made you laugh, smile or grossed out even better! LOL
I don’t believe in love at first sight however I do believe in lust at first sight and then that needs to grow into love from there. ( Lust comes in many different forms the mind can be far sexier then the physical but high heel pirate boots can help )
I’ve never cheated on or raised my hand in anger at a woman. I know some of you cynical women out there are saying, “Yah Right!! That’s what they all say!!! But there are a rare few of us out there. I believe if a relationship comes to that point it’s time to walk the “F” away.
I am a typical guy, I do know about girl math but that doesn’t mean I totally understand it….I’m a guy!!! Remember a woman can think with both her left and right sides of the brain and on multiple levels all at the same time. If a guy tried that both his heads would spontaneously combust. So remember ladies when you get mad at us because you think we don’t understand you or “get it” it’s physiology not insensitivity. Albert Einstein could figure out the theory of time travel but he didn’t have a clue to the inner workings of the female brain. It’s gods sense of humor “Lets make humans, male and female and then give them totally different thought processes and then sit back and watch how deep of a hole the poor guy digs for himself. LOL Please believe me I’m not picking on women I actually find it rather humorous myself. It’s what keeps things exciting in a relationship.
I don’t think sex is the most important thing in a relationship “It’s the connection between two people…… mind, soul then body. It’s real simple, you could be having the greatest sex of your life but it means nothing if the one your with doesn’t make you laugh or feel good or make you want to be better then you think you can… So why are you wasting your time with this person, remember you can always take matters in you own hand and GET-R-DONE.
Ok I’m not going to get all philosophical I’ll save that for later. (That hurt my brain trying to spell that word)
I do have all my teeth and hair (It is getting a little thinner then it was when I was twenty)
I’m 6’1’ 225lbs and have a cheesy 70’s porno mustache (Foomanchoo)
I’m well educated and have a professional job I’ve been half way around the world.
Love skiing, scuba, snowmobiling, four wheeling, Karaoke, (Yah I know!!), music
( performing and listening) I do not like inner-city rap music Sorry I think they left the “C” off the front of that word. I do like some of the older stuff……it was fun!
I’m divorced and have two boys 21-17 they live with their mom, who by the way is still one of my closest friends. Well what started as me goofing off has turned into a small novel so I leave you with this pondering thought; If our knees bend the other way what would a chair look like ?