In Their Shoes

The At Home Mum (No. 1)



The unofficial and uncensored guide



Now let’s be clear about this.  Mums have the most important job in the world.  They are raising the next generations and future generations of people.  If Mums do a bad job, then the future world will be a bad place full of bad people.  It is critical that children have good mums and ideally good dads.



There are At Home Mums and there are Working Mums.  Some Mums do a bit of both. 



Just watch out though, At Home Mums have some worrying characteristics and traits, blended with the more motherhood and apple pie stuff you would expect to see.  They could be rated as amongst the most scary of all the groups..





Main characteristics of an At Home Mum



•          Scary

•          Competitive

•          Shortcuts

•          Emotional

•          Brilliant TV, movie, music, celebrity and fashion critics

•          Avid text fans

•          Unreliable

•          WAGS & Shopping

•          Breeding and overpopulating the world

•          Cliques

•          Birthday parties

•          Prostitution





Scary

The first and most prominent characteristic of an At Home Mum is that they tend to be very scary.  Just avoid offending them by saying things like:

-          How lovely and easy it must be to not be working

-          What do you do all day?

-          Why don’t you go back to work

-          Don’t you get bored at home?

-          Can you ever have a conversation without mentioning your children

-          Please don’t tell me about your darling little Johnny or Isabel anymore, I’m not interested.



Don’t worry, not all mums and housewives are scary.  Most are.  The scariest are the mothers of newborn babies.  They are scary and ratty for some very valid reasons:



-          they are pumped full of hormones to help them adjust to motherhood and to nurture the baby

-          they are sleep deprived due to feeding baby every couple of hours (24/7) for the first few months (yes, honest)

-          they are ratty because their toddlers are having to adjust to a new baby

-          the husband/partner is gagging for some tender loving care (or a quick shag) due to being deprived throughout the pregnancy

-          family and friends offering to help, but don’t do much



Competitive

The At Home Mum is extremely competitive.  Remember it is their job.  Many jobs in the workplace are competitive.  Likewise, mums compete amongst one another in their ‘workplace’. 



The kind of things that At Home Mums are competitive about, can range from the very trivial things (type of sunhat) to really important stuff (like choice of schools, outlook on behaviour).



Competition can rage about, and all of these examples are for real:

-          first pair of shoes/slippers

-          type of buggy

-          home cooked or purchased baby food

-          choice of nappy bag

-          schools

-          hours in daycare (child care centre)

-          hours in going back to work

-          how difficult or easy the labour was

-          breastfeeding or bottle feeding

-          quality of clothes

-          eating habits (and nature of eating, is it healthy or not healthy)

-          at playgroup being the first in line o get the biggest morning tea for your little darling

-          length and thickness of hair

-          hairstyle and hair length and hair thickness (pony tails, plaits)



Competition can become very intense in the area of parties.  They myth that parents like to outdo each other when it comes to parties is definitely true. At the most basic of levels, a weekly morning tea held in a rotational fashion at each At Home Mum’s house can become truly nerve wracking and one up man’s ship.  After several weekly morning sessions the morning tea turned into:

-          a brunch for parents and children

-          a test of character

-          an expression of yourself

-          a display of your home, its standard, quality, level of hygiene

-          a test of ability to put on a great spread

-          a test of your home cooking

-          a chance to offer the biggest and best feast ever

-          a chance of show-off where you can get the nicest bought cakes from

-          an opportunity to offer crap coffee and tea (honestly)

-          a logistical exercise in working out who is coming or not



Shortcuts

At Home Mums like to take the convenient route to help them lead their busy lives.  Some of their ‘short-cuts’ seems to reduce the advantages of being at Home.  Instead, Working Mums may actually do more cooking and pay greater attention to some things than At Home Mums.



For example, At Home Mums are particularly good at taking short-cuts in the kitchen and it is a myth that they prepare superior food to At Work Mums.  Perhaps At Work Mums spend more hours in the kitchen cooking and preparing food from scratch rather than using packet mixes, jar foods and so on. 



They seem to have preferences for:

-          Bottle feeding instead of breast feeding newborns, if they already have a toddler



-          Ready made baby food from jars, packets and trendy sachets  This is easier when out and about and it is easier at home, especially if you have a toddler. 



-          A take-out (take-away meal) once a week, perhaps twice a week to get a ‘break’ from cooking.



-          Bought snacks for children, such as cereal bars, sausage rolls, and biscuits.



-          Grated cheddar cheese makes an appearance!



Some At Home Mums do not bake at all and if you come across a thirty something year old who has never baked biscuits or cakes before don’t be surprised.



If you go to a morning tea full of At Home Mums don’t expect to find lots of home made cakes.  Oh no, no, no.  It is all about cakes from bakeries and supermarkets.



Brilliant TV, movie, music, celebrity and fashion critics

I challenge you to find more knowledgeable people about television programs, movies, music releases, celebrities and fashion trends.  Do you want to know who the new, hip singers are, what they’re like personally and where they’re performing next? Well, just ask a busy at home mum.  They just know these things, it is an inner sense.  It is their calling in life.  Just how they find the time to keep up with television, to discuss in intimate detail the popular TV series, is a mystery.  Perhaps, they never do real cooking (packet mixes, take aways, and cheese on toast), or more sensibly they don’t do anything else other than being a mum.  No ‘extra curricular’ activities that would distract from being a movie buff, film buf or celebrity critic.  No household projects (like landscaping the garden, earth moving works, outdoor painting, or demolishing a patio), or study for a diploma or MBA, or even submitting time consuming job applications.  This ‘frees up’ time in the evening, once the little darlings are in bed.



One way of becoming a knowledgable entertainment critic, that all but lacks professional status and formal recognition, is the the philosophy of ‘not doing anything’ once the children are in bed. This frees up the evenings unless the little darlings are poorly all having a ‘bad night’.



It is the at home mum which has fuelled the current trend in modern houses to have theatre rooms.  These rooms are designed for at home-mums.  They are well away from the kitchen (thus avoiding the guilt complex), typically dark (not suitable for sewing thankfully), but big enough for the enormous television screens and huge TV suite and the requisite loungers.



Unreliable

When it comes to being reliable, don’t rely on an at home mum.  They aren’t reliable, unless it really suits them.  If you’re needing someone to look after your children whilst you go off for that critical job interview, or to do an extra shift at work or need to revise for that critical exam, then don’t ask an at home mum.  What is most likely to happen, is that little Madeline or little Matthew, have a ‘bad cold’ or had a bad night and didn’t settle, and as a result, your promised baby sitter, starts saying things like “I’m really sorry, but I don’t think I can do today”.  Or “I wouldn’t want your little ones to catch it”. 



The worst thing is the lack of notice, which can be the same day. It is such a last minute ‘can’t do it’.”  Then, of course you’re really up the river without a paddle.



Then the next worst thing, is that the at home mum feels “really bad” about letting someone down and they get all contrite about it.  Like “I’m really sorry (yeah, right).  Will you be all right?  (knowing full well, that you’re just so pissed off).  Can someone else cover (knowing full well that there is 2 hours before the job interview in which to find someone).



To then close it all off, they offer to look after your children in the future, if you need the help (as if you’re going to ask them again?).



Just check out the difference in attitude if you ask a busy mum who both works and is at home.  She will just ‘do it’ for you.  Whatever.  It doesn’t matter that her child has cholera, or that little Kriston has got really bad diarohhea or that she has been up all night with little Mia who hasn’t slept.  She may feel rotten, her children may feel rotten and it may be the most inconvenient time for her (her sister is unexpectedly travelling interstate and is popping in for a couple of days), she will stick to her word.  She will babysit.



Why does she keep to her promise of baby sitting?  Because she knows just how critical it is and how difficult it all is, juggling professional life with personal life, stepping between ‘mummy brain’ and ‘grown up adult brain’.  She is also used to keeping her word in the workplace and to dealing with difficult situations by being flexible and having a degree of tolerance to when things aren’t ideal.  Afterall, the workplace is all about juggling, prioritising, trying to do the stuff you like and bypassing (as much as possible) the stuff you don’t.



WAGS & Shopping

At home mums that enjoy being ‘at home’ are often happy to be perceived as somebody’s wife or girlfriend (wives and girlfriends).  They enjoy getting all ‘dressed up’ and looking good.  Afterall looking good is key to feeling good.



Little feminine things like getting false nails, booking hair appointments (without having the kids in toe) and aroma therapy oils are popular.  But they can break the bank  And if overdone it is moving into the world of ‘high maintenance’.  False nails are an expensive outlay and then there is the ongoing maintenance cost.  A decent haircut is not cheap, but throw in some highlights and colour, the cost zooms up. 



When it comes to home comforts; ‘at home mums’ like it all and there is probably good reason for that.  Their home is their castle and their office.  The home is where they raise and nurture the children (it is their job) and therefore it is their workplace.  They want all the comforts of a decent office.  Decent furniture, decent heating and air conditioning.  Good light.  A good location.  Plenty of space.  Storage.  Basically, all the things that the typical office worker wants.  It is when the ‘mum at home’ gets into luxury, of having only the ‘best’ and buying the next ‘new thing’ for the house, that the stereotype WAG is reawakened.  Problem is, few of us are WAGS to rich and/or famous men. This is when the pressure can set in for the average male who has two or more dependants at home (partner and at least one child). 



The shopping list becomes endless because as soon as one long awaited purchase is made (perhaps after saving or extending debt), another purchase is on the cards.  When it’s about buying something for the children, this is the best ‘excuse’ for the ‘at home mum’.  It’s hard to refuse a purchase that will improve the quality of life for the child (or will it really improve quality of life?).  The main breadwinner – the husband or partner doesn’t really have a leg to stand on, to refuse purchases.  Afterall, what does he know about the needs of his children in terms of toys, sports and leisure things, clothes, swimming lessons and so on??  Best thing he can do is hideaway in the tool shed or go fishing with an equally pressured mate.  What do they get in exchange?  The occasional lovey dovey moment (just like the good old days).  That’s why ‘at home mums’ make such good WAGS.  They’ve got partner or hubby wrapped around their little finger.



Breeding and overpopulating the world

Controversial this is.  True though it is.  Women just want to keep having babies.  They usually want more than one.  They often have more than three.



This is despite the world being overpopulated.  It’s a fact.  That’s why we’re running out of natural resources, that’s why there are people living in very uninhabitable areas, like deserts, like mountains, like cold places and places which are drowning under rising sea levels.



Another fact, the world’s population is growing at approximately 80 million people a year.  That’s a lot of people.  That is a population of the UK plus another 15 million people a year.  Yes.  A lot.



So why are women wanting two, three and four, or even more children?  Why are women in developed countries insisting on having more than two?  Why the need for so many.  Is it just some innate desire to have lots of children, or is it to experience the euphoria of giving birth once again?



Most families with 3 or more children, you find when delving into their lives, is due to the women wanting more babies.  “He would have stopped at two.”  “He didn’t want any more”.  “I wanted three.”  What choice do men really have?  They want their jollies, they want to keep the peace, they can’t stand the persistence of the women wanting ‘another’.  They want an easy life.  ‘Whatever’ is the answer.  But at the end of the day (or in the middle of the night) they don’t get much say.  If their woman wants another baby or three, they’ve got to give it basically.  It is a woman’s divine right, to be a mum and to choose to be a mum, many women would say.



But wait here.  Hang on a minute.  Down boy.  No more babies after two.  Families in the developed world need to take responsibility for their own actions.  Use contraception.  But don’t have heaps of children.  Remember there are too many children in other countries being born.  In Afghanistan the average number of children per family is 6.5.  Yes, 6.5!



Women are the arbitrators of family size.  Women need to take control and care for their children’s future by helping to prevent future overcrowding. Government policies in most developing countries are designed to encourage big families due to wanting to increase the population to ensure long-term economic growth.  The more children families have, the more state benefits and welfare they can claim.  Income tax incentives for being the primary earner, baby bonuses, maternity leave, large family allowances, and so on, all encourage families to have more children.



But we need to let go of the ‘country perspective’ when considering population size, we need to think global.



Women need to think global.  Women need to stop thinking that having three or four children in their family won’t hurt.  It’s only an extra one or two children in the world.  But it’s not.  Everyone else thinks the same.  If 1 million families each decide to have 3 children that’s an extra one million children. 



Just remember, that in a couple of decades all these children will have their own children and the first generation parents when they become grandparents speak of having 16 grandchildren (say their 4 children each have 4 children).  That’s a big family tree in two generations.



So calling all mums, all governments, all Catholics, and all sceptics of small families, please think of your children’s future and the future of your childrens’ children.  Do you want them to be living in tiny apartments or below ground caves due to lack of space.  Do you want them to be eating pills instead of food, because there aren’t enough acres in the world to grow food, or enough animals, or enough fish in the sea, lakes and rivers to satisfy the nutritional needs of all those hungry tummies.



Women do have the right to have children, at least in the biological sense.  But with rights come responsibilities.



If women want more children, then they should contribute more.  Pay more tax.  Give more back to society.  Isn’t that what we teach our children.  To be fair and just?  The more children, the more a drain on resources and the earth’s limited resources and non-replenishable resources.  Therefore, more children should equate to more tax.  The less children, the less the drain on resources.  Therefore, less children should equate to less tax.  Financial incentives are needed.  Government policy should be clear; small families will be better off financially.  National population levels may fall.  But so what?



If the population of the more developed countries start to shrink, then there are plenty of immigrants and refugees from less developed countries to bolster their numbers. 



And the side effects?  Yes, a decline in national and global populations.  Yes, there are some nasty side effects too.  Unplanned and unwanted pregnancies may be terminated, due to financial pressures.  Social stigmas may arise over those who have large families.  But what do we have now?  Social pressure to have children if you’re childless?  Peer pressure to have more children if that is what our friends, family members and colleagues are doing?



And lest we forget, about the magic and potency of modern day contraception.  It is cheap, it is easy to transport and it is easy to use with few repercussions.  So no more excuses, either for all the developing countries out there.  Widespread and effective health campaigns heralded by government, by agencies, by village elders and community leaders, should have an impact on population numbers.  Families with 5, 6, 7, and 8 + children should be a thing of the past.  So should polygamy.  Enough  is enough.



So, women, please think global about population, not national, not regional, not local and not at the household level.  You and your partners are all collectively and individually responsible.



Birthday Parties

Yep, birthday parties for toddlers and babies are all about the parents. Since when did little children need professional face painters, bouncy castles, clowns, ponies, and external caterers to have fun?  Ever since, parents need to demonstrate how much more they love their child than other parents.  Or is it about how much fun can they buy their child in one short space of time and getting delight in seeing that amount of fun?  Or is it about the organisation of the party?  As one at home mum has said: “the bigger the party the better!”  So each year, the party just gets bigger and it just gets better.



On another matter to do with parties, what’s all the fuss with birthday presents?  Just think about it.  For most parents, they are buying a present for a child they don’t even know. It just so happens that their child has been invited to another child’s party.  They probably don’t even know the parents.  Yes, in some cases, the children will be very close friends, but it is unlikely given the frequency of parties; they can happen every couple of weeks.  Then, you have the big question of ‘how much to spend on a present?’  To get anything slightly decent it’s got to be over $15 Australian or 10 pound sterling.  To get something really decent up the money by 50%.  This still does not guarantee a good present.  The question remains what do they want or need for their birthday?  How on earth are you supposed to know?  Why should you know?  The parents of the birthday girl or boy probably haven’t the nerve to suggest any suitable presents. 



So, the problem remains, do the parents of invited children risk being called:

-          ‘tight’ (for such a crap present or no present at all), or

-          are they praised and warmly thanked for their ‘generosity’ (for a present that clearly cost a small fortune  and was suitable), or

-           just plain ‘hopeless’ and  ‘well meaning’ (for being generous but not having a clue about a suitable present).



In fact, birthday presents are often a taboo.  Parents don’t mention them.  Birthday invitations are silent on the matter, the buyer never asks and the receiver never requests. 



Best way forward, is to ask for a ‘gold coin donation’ in the birthday card.  That way, the lucky birthday boy or girl receives enough money to buy something that is worthwhile, and the parents of invited children know what to give. It saves them time; wondering round the shops looking to buy something good for next to nothing and it takes out the heartache of deciding what present would be appropriate.



So next time your child has a party or your child is invited to one, do everyone a favour and go the ‘gold coin’ route.  It will save money, time and brain power!



Cliques

Just like the workplace, at home mums can be very clique.  They have their own circle of friends, or even circles of friends.  And woe betide, if you try to join a clique in which you are not welcome, then you won’t be able to ‘break in’.  There are always ring leaders and they’re powerful, even if you can get a couple of ‘at home mums’ on side, it won’t be enough.  The ring leaders will make your life so miserable when you are interacting with others in the clique whilst trying to break through and become accepted in the clique that you will just give up.



And give up, you will. Here are a couple of examples of the kind of behaviour that can occur:

-          Getting food for toddlers at playgroup for the main mums in the clique, but never for your toddler, even if you have to look after a little baby as well.



-          Holding newborn babies and little babies of mums in the clique, and never wanting or offering to hold your baby even if you clearly could do with some help and you are sitting only feet away.



-          Not receiving any help to push a buggy containing a toddler, a baby and lots of swimming gear and a picnic to go to some outdoor pools, even when the ever thoughtful ring leader has free hands to help.



-          And the nastiest and bitchiest of all; ignoring you when talking to them, unless of course there are others around and they need to have a minimum level of courtesy.



How cliques form, is a mystery to all but anthropologists who study the behaviour of man.  At home mums have their own dynamics about how cliques form, but it’s not to do with how well children play together.  Moreover, it is about how well the ‘at home mums’ get on together.  If their children are different ages and have different temperaments it matters not.  The children will ‘play’ naturally with those around them.  It’s less about the children and more about the adults being able to sit down and have a chat and gossip. 



Some cliques can be very demanding.  ‘At home mums’ because they’re at home all the time, want to meet regularly (on a weekly basis) because they have the time.  Therefore a big commitment is needed on a regular basis and mums that work part-time are probably not going to meet these high expectations.  If you miss out on the Tuesday cake club meet up and it’s your turn, then you are in ‘big trouble’.  No-one tells you that at all, it is just all implied, all hidden.



In fact, that is another problem, there is a lack of honesty amongst ‘at home mums’ which  may be a more general mindset amongst women.  Instead of being upfront and speaking one’s mind (and therefore the truth) at home mum’s prefer to skirt around the topic and be forever polite.  Family finances are a kind of ‘no no’ to discuss.  If ‘at home mum’ and her family are thought to be taking on too much debt, by for example, buying a too expensive house, then there will be a reluctance for other mums to speak out about that.  It is more like, watching from the sidelines and then coming out with a ‘I told you so’ when things go pear shaped, with some perverted kind of glee and delight in the downfall of their so-called friends.  But that’s what a capitalist world is all about isn’t it?  Getting ahead at the expense of others, and this version of one upmanship enters into the world of ‘at home mums’.



Prostitution

Yep, that’s right.  At home mums are likely to ‘prostitute’ themselves to make new friends with other at home mums.  It’s nothing as exciting as providing sex in exchange for money.  Instead, it is something a little more daring than approaching strangers at a party.  It is about approaching strangers who are mums or carers in public places such as play parks, play groups, shops and swimming pools.  It’s not easy, especially, if you’re the quiet, reserved type and prefer anything in the world, rather than approaching a stranger (who could turn out to be a complete nightmare) and say things like:

-          ‘Hello, how old are your children?’  (Hoping that they are nearly at an identical age, so they can play well together – for ever!)



-          “Do you live nearby?”  (Hoping they are from a nearby neighbourhood, and if yes, hoping, desperately that is part-way decent)



-          “Do you fancy catching up another time?  Can I have your phone number?” (This is where the ‘prostitution’ comes in.  And it is about desperation, being desperate for new friends).



-          And yes, now the fumble for a piece of paper and a pen (‘at home mums don’t tend to be organised for the unexpected, but totally predictable business call when off work).



-          And yes, found the back of a shopping receipt (for food or baby clothes of course), or yes, a techno mum (who can store numbers in mobile phones in a matter of seconds, before the little baby throws a tantrum from being ignored by mum and the toddler starts playing with some dog poo).



-          And finally, the act of prostitution is complete.  The prize is secured: a local phone number (with all the connotations of a potentially new friend) of an equally lonely and desperate ‘at home mum.’



-          Then, it all takes is some real balls to make that initial phone call.  “Yes, I will phone, I promise.”  Strike rate of an actual phone call occurring out of a ‘prostitution’ conversation is about one in three (33%).  The call starts off, predictably, “Hi, I’m Susan do you remember me and my children, Ava and Torin we met at the park 2 weeks ago.  Do you fancy morning tea, at my place, next week?”



-          Success!  Prostitution complete.  New friend made.  It’s just up to the children to play nicely.



This whole phenomenon might be quite unique to mums who have recently relocated to a new suburb or even a new country.  In Perth, Western Australia, where there is a mining boom, roughly two thirds of the population are immigrants and a sizeable percentage have come in the past few years.  Lonely ‘at home mums’ who are recent immigrants and fresh ‘off the boat’ are desperate to develop their own networks and social circles are having to make the effort to meet other mums in similar situations.  Ironically, migrants often mix with their own nationality, so these new friends are often from the same country.  Rarely, will they be from the host country, as these lucky mums will already have a strong network of friends and family, and as a result, won’t be needing to prostitute themselves.  Probably, for these reasons they don’t generally ooze the ‘lonely vibes’ that attract stranger phone numbers like magnets.