ventventrantventrant

for anyone who has noticed (certainly nobody), it’s been a very long time since my last blog entry. but do not fret, faithful readers! things haven’t changed. i am still in hell.

i have come to a point in my life that i really should not reach until roughly 12 years from now: the midlife crisis. i feel like chicken little; the world is falling down around me. but unlike chicken little, i am not screaming out for help at the top of my lungs to any townsfolk who will hear me. rather, i am watching standing back and watching with a stupid look on my face as some of the things i hold most dear seemingly disappear in the blink of an eye.

am i being a little (very) mellow dramatic? probably (of course). but it’s hard for me to feel anything but crippling depression as i watch my peers around me take their lives by the balls and move on to better things in far away lands (which generally translates to two hour away lands), while i stay back home and wallow in the grief that has accumulated over years past.

but do i really have a reason to feel like this? wasn’t it my decision, and my decision only, to stay home and go to school locally? yes. and it isn’t all bad. had i gone away, i would never have gotten to spend nearly as much time with the love of my life, my family, and my band. i would not be making nearly as much (or probably any) money as i will make at my current job (as shitty as it may be). and speaking of money, i’ll be saving my parents a whole lot of it by going to school near home. like it or not, the reasons for which i have decided to stay home far outnumber the one main reason i have to want to go away.

but it’s hard not to feel like my single reason to want to leave doesn’t hold more weight and worth than all of my reasons to stay combined. and what is this mystery reason to go that has brought me back to my blog after so long to bitch and whine; the reason that keeps me up writing to you at 1:03 in the morning?

staying home to me means not moving forward with my life the way that i would truly like to.

as i feel is the general consensus of most of the people i have grown up with, staying in avon is the last thing on my to do list. why would i want to stick around in a town where the most exciting addition in the past 5 years has been a sheetz? what is there to do here, let alone in most other areas surrounding, that can keep my interest for more than a few hours?

nothing. absolutely nothing. and as sad as it is, that answer is pretty non-debatable.

sure i’ll receive a decent education for my field of study at the community college, but what other experiences are really offered? am i really going to want to go after class and party with the 50 year old guy in my class that threw his life away, and is just now trying to pick himself back up and make a decent living? well, maybe. i mean, at least he would be old enough to buy the beer for us.

but the point of all of this is that i’ve come to realize now that until i transfer, i’ll really only be looking forward to another year or two of writing relatively unoriginal, uninspired music for my band, awkwardly revisiting younger “friends” at my girlfriend’s school dances (and subsequently being the only graduate at said dance), and unenthusiastically yelling (because let’s face it, who would ever even yell it ENTHUSIASTICALLY, let alone after three years of being told to do so) “welcome to moe’s!” (in a not so welcoming tone) at the locals who stuff their faces at my place of employment.

if you’ve stayed with me this long, i congratulate you, because i realize how stupid and self centered this rant probably is to anyone but myself. but then again, maybe i feel sorry that you are so bored that you find reading this to be more enjoyable than any other thing on the internet.

by any means, i hope to keep on writing here on a frequent basis again. i only promise to try and keep a more interesting/interested outlook on any further topic.

it’s just good to vent sometimes, ya know?