The Year Of Change

The storm of emotions churned and churned, getting stronger with each assault. Fear, anger, hatred, impatience, all bubbled like lava inside a volcano that was on the verge of erupting. With each day, the inevitable release grew closer as the screaming from within me got louder. Soon, I would be unable to contain this torment and silence any longer.


***
September
Fear was all I knew, but I knew it was wrong.
I had never considered myself to be a courageous person. I was timid and quiet.
However, a progression of events during my sophomore year of high school prompted me to discover my inner strength and resiliency. It began on a Friday in early September.
Sitting on my bedroom floor, in front of my bookcase, I was deciding on which classic to begin reading. My parents opened my door and asked me to come into the living room of the two-bedroom duplex they rented. “We need to talk to about something.” My Mom said as I sat down on the sofa. My dad stayed standing. “I’ve been laid off from my job.” He said. “We can no longer afford the tuition at Pinebrook, so on Monday, we’re enrolling you at Flora. We spoke Principal Clark and withdrew you today.” Without another word, he turned and went into the kitchen. My father always spoke short, to the point and without sympathy. With an expression of seriousness and worry, my mom said, “I’ll call you when dinner is ready.” I made my way back to my bedroom.
As I sat on my bed thinking about what I had just been told, I wasn’t saddened about changing schools. Pinebrook is a small private school where I had been attending since fourth grade. Most of the students were from wealthy families, and had been students together at Pinebrook since kindergarten. I never quit fit into their clique.
My new school, Flora, is the largest school in the state. I was nervous and excited at the same time. The sick feeling I now had in the pit of my stomach wasn’t caused by the change in schools.
Unemployment meant that father would be home. This realization sent within me an urge to vomit. The peace that had come with his absence as an over the road truck driver was now gone. I prayed that he would find another job soon. My father’s temper was more frightening than any horror movie or nightmare. It was volatile and unpredictable. At least when he worked, he would be gone for periods as long as weeks at a time.

I was unable to finish my dinner. After giving into sleep early that night, I was awakened by a loud thump against the wall that separated my bedroom and the living room. I pulled the covers up over my head but they did little to muffle the sounds coming from the other room. My body shook with fear and the all too familiar nauseous feeling creped back inside of me. My heart and stomach were in my throat. It was at moments like this that I just wanted to die. All I could do is curl up in the fetal position, retreating deep inside myself. My survival mechanism was to shut down and tell my self, “It will be over soon. I’ll be okay.”
Instead of my memories playing like a stream of happy home videos, they were more like snap shots of a horror movie.
One of my earliest memories was being in the kitchen and seeing my mom lying on the floor with my father looming over her motionless body. I looked at her and then up at the giant of a man standing beside me. I can’t remember the hit that landed me beside her but I remember looking down on the two of us. That was all I remember of the incident. I guess it was an out of body experience.
I must have been two years old but the experience was stamped on my brain so hard that the normal amnesia of infancy and early childhood could not erase it. I learned at an early age to fear my father. I realized over the years that when faced with overwhelming fear and the threat of physical pain a person is capable of doing anything. One can endure extreme exhaustion, and find incredible strength. I learned that, after a while, you don’t feel or even remember the pain, just the terror.
I listened in the darkness. When the yelling, snarling, screaming and thumping in the other room had finally ended, I laid in bed wondering if it would begin again. Maybe he had killed mom. Perhaps he would come in here and kill me next. I had heard stories on the news of that kind of thing happening and knew that it was possible, if not probable, that it would eventually happen to us. I lay like a statue on my side of the bed, afraid to move or breathe. If he did come in and thought I was sleeping, maybe he would decide to leave me alone.
Children who only had mothers seemed like the luckiest people alive to me. Why did people speak about divorce as if it was a tragedy? I couldn’t imagine anything better than a home with only a caring mother to come home to after school. A mom who cooked for you, loved you, and spent time with you. Most of all, I wanted a mom who smiled and was happy, who didn’t live in fear or dread. My own mother spent her time either working or sitting in an almost comatose state on the sofa. Her long, stringy hair, that he forbade her to cut, draped over the armrest. Her four foot eleven inch frame rested frail and immobile most days.
Finally, I decided that it was safe to come out from underneath the covers. I gazed through my window to the sky. It was a clear autumn night and the stars were shining in all their glory. The constellations twinkled me a warm welcome back. Oh, how badly I wished that I could to be closer to them.
Most fifteen-year-old girls were all about boys and makeup. They spent hours on the phone socializing, planning trips to the mall and enjoying the present, while I planned my future. Inspired by popular movies of my youth, I wrote my life story. Upon graduating high school, I would join the Navy and become a female fighter pilot. After retiring from the military, I would join NASA. My adulthood would be spent free, fearless, and flying. I would reach the stars one day. In my fantasies, I was brave and strong.
In real life, I was painfully shy which sometimes was wrongfully translated into being a snob. I wondered about how others viewed me. Could they tell that something was wrong with me, that my family wasn’t normal? Was it as obvious to them as it was to me?

The stars were the only witnesses to my thoughts. The stars sung me to sleep with their silent lullaby.

****

I squinted my eyes together tighter and turned away from the sun gleaming through my window. I wasn’t ready to wake up yet. It was Saturday and I hated weekends. Weekends meant being at home. If the weather was nice, it meant that I would be locked outside of the house all day. Our yard didn’t offer much shade and the summers were miserable. Winter was my favorite season. I preferred winter for several reasons. School provided an escape from the house. I had perfect attendance nearly every year. The days were also shorter which meant bedtime came sooner. Sleep was bliss.
I heard movement from the hall. It was my mom’s light footsteps. I wondered if dad was still in bed. I opened my eyes as my bedroom door opened. “Stephanie, come eat breakfast. You’re going to spend the night with Carly tonight. I’ll drop you off on my way to work.” “Okay mom.”
Relief and excitement washed over me. I had been given a temporary reprieve. Carly is my cousin and my best friend. I loved going to her house. The only bad thing was leaving hers and coming back to mine. Her life was great. Her parents were divorced and she lived with her two older brothers and mom, my aunt Catherine.
I jumped out of bed and threw some clothes in a bag. Walking to the kitchen, I noticed the six foot frame and coal black hair of my dad in his recliner. I didn’t make eye contact. I focused on making myself as quiet and invisible as possible. I choked down a bowl of cheerios. “Are you ready?” Mom said. “Yeah.” I stood up to grab my bag.
I almost made it to the door without being noticed, but not quite. “Aren’t you going to tell your dad good-bye?” I took a deep breath and tried to control my expression so that disgust and hate wouldn’t show. If I made the slightest mistake he would become furious. It didn’t take much to unleash his temper. “Just give him a hug and kiss and then go. Smile, pretend you love him, be convincing.” I told myself. My skin crawled when he touched me. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes exuded from his breath, as I tried to hold mine.
The ride to Carly’s house was quiet. We never talked about things that happened at home. To be honest I didn’t talk much at all. I preferred to keep my thoughts to myself. When I wanted to escape from my thoughts, which was often, I would hide in a book. Books were safe. In my bedroom, I had a small bookshelf that held about twenty books. My favorites were those stories by Edgar Allen Poe and S. E. Hinton.
My aunt Catherine was holding the door for us. “Hey, come on in. Carly’s in the living room.” “Thanks Cat.” Cat was my mom’s nickname for my aunt. “I’ll pick her up after work tomorrow.”
Carly was my best friend. I had often wished that she were my sister rather than my cousin. I saw her shoulder length blond hair bouncing around as she sat playing a pretend electric guitar along with the Aerosmith song on the radio. I jumped in with my worse possible singing voice, “Come and see me tonight.”
Carly swung around to look at me. “Gees, you’re going to break a mirror or something with that voice.”
“Good, maybe you could use less time in front of a mirror and more time actually learning to play a real guitar.” I laughed.
“Moms going to drop us off at the mall later. What movie do you want to see?”
“How about Don’t Go To sleep II. The first movie comes on later tonight. We can stay up and watch it afterwards.”
“That’s what I was thinking too. Mom bought some ice cream yesterday and we can pick up some soda at the mall. I bet you fall asleep first.”
“Don’t I always.” I admitted.
Carly looked at me with excitement. “So, you’re going to Flora on Monday. I’ll look for you before school starts. Why did you parents decide to transfer you now?”
“Dad was laid off.”
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know.”
“ It’s okay. I’m kind of excited about Monday. I want to join the JROTC program since I plan to enlist either in the Air force or Navy after I graduate.”
“Why do you want to join the military? Getting up at five a.m. and running miles at a time just doesn’t seem appealing to me. I’m going to be a musician. Sleep late and stay up all night. You should join me. We could move out to L.A. and hook up with the band scene. More girl bands are making it big now a days.”
“That isn’t a sure thing. Besides, you’ve heard my voice and I can’t play an instrument. What would I do, set the stage? No thanks, I want to fly.”

Later that night, I did fall asleep first, despite my best effort. I woke with the sad realization that I always did when I had to go back home.
The weekend had passed too quickly, as it always seemed too when I was away from home. Rain was falling in sheets. I counted the seconds between lightening strikes and thunder claps. It was unusually cool for September. I looked out the car window as the sick feeling once again found its place inside my body. I wondered what kind of mood he would be in. I hoped that he had not found a reason to be infuriated with me. I went through a list in my head of any possible thing that I might have done or left undone that would give him cause or reason but I couldn’t think of any. I had cleaned my room. My bed was made. I went down a silent list even though I knew that he needed no reason to explode.
I had wanted to confide in Carly about my father. Fear prevented me from saying a word. If she knew, she would undoubtedly tell my aunt. What could they do? Nothing. When I was 12, I had asked my mom once, while sitting at the kitchen table, “Why don’t you leave him?” She shushed me with fear in her eyes, as if he would hear us. I learned that she had tried to leave when I was a baby. She ran to a neighbor’s house for protection. He broke through their sliding glass doors and forced her to return with him. He told her that he would kill her parents and entire family if she tried that again. I knew that he was insane enough to do as he threatened. He seemed bigger than life, invincible. That knowledge and fear is why she stayed.
Some people did know about the abuse to some extent. One time my father slapped my mother in front of his mom and sister. Nothing was said except, “Are you okay?” To which he sniped, “She’s fine.” Nothing else was said.
Then there was the landlord who lived in the other half of the duplex my parents rented. I know that he must have heard the yelling threw the walls. Why did everyone turn their heads and close their eyes to the proof before them? I just needed one brave person to speak up for me, to save me from my hell.
I took a quick glance at my mom. She was too fixated on the task of driving to notice my appraisal of her physical and mental state. Her eyes stared blankly at the road. Emotionally, she was the same, as always, zombie like, as if she lived in a fog. Physically, I noticed the area on her cheek that she tried to camouflage with too much makeup. My stomach dropped as we turned into the driveway. My body was trembling from the inside out. My throat closed up and breathing became difficult. A small relief settled over me when I saw that he was passed out in his recliner. A bottle of whiskey lay on the floor beside his pistol. Tabitha was on the couch watching T.V.
I went to my room to decide what to wear on my first day at Flora High. I wanted to make a good impression, but I didn’t want to seem as if I was trying too hard. I settled on a pair of acid washed jeans, white button up shirt, a few neon colored bracelets, and a pair of gold hoop earrings.
As I crimped my dark brown hair, I stared at my reflection. Should I smile with teeth or no? Hmm, blue eyeliner or brown? Eyes that used to be blue but changed to green in first grade stared back at me. Those eyes spoke with understanding and experiences, with sadness, which I tried to hide. Could others notice? I wished that I could see myself through the eyes of someone else.
“It will be okay.” I told myself. “You can be whomever and whatever you want to be. Tomorrow is a new beginning. They will like you.”

The morning air was crisp. Leaves were just beginning to change colors. I loved the smells of autumn, from banana nut bread baking to leaves burning. I was looking over the schedule in my hands when I heard Carly’s voice. “Hey Steph! Where is your first class?”
“Hey! Um, I have Calculus first. Where is wing A?”
“I pass it on my way to first block. I can show you.”
The size of the school was overwhelming to me. The halls during period changes reminded me of the running of the bulls in Spain that I had seen a report on the news about. The smell of bleach, cheap air fresheners, and sweat made me wish for a stuffy nose. Having been use to a very small private school, this school of three thousand was going to take some adjusting to. In an odd way though, it was comforting. I could hopefully get lost in the crowd and go unnoticed.
The school was different but the subjects were the same. I loathed math more than any of the rest. The only thing remotely interesting didn’t have anything to do with math at all. I noticed that the boy sitting to my side was stealing frequent glances at me. This was definitely different. I never got looks from boys. That only happened to the most popular girls at my old school. He wasn’t intimidating. His brown eyes revealed nothing but kindness. Ms. Mathews called on him more often than the other kids in class. Apparently Daniel didn’t share my ineptitude in math. I felt oddly comfortable returning his glances. This was definitely new.
After Algebra, he helped me locate my next class.
“What classes do you have?” Daniel asked.
Looking at my schedule, I replied. “Next, I have Biology, first lunch, Art and then Study Hall.”
“Smile, it’s not that bad. At least you don’t have Mr. Wienhammer for Biology. You really dodged a bullet there.”
“Oh, I was just hoping to join the ROTC program, but they won’t allow anyone to join after the year has begun. I guess I’ll have to wait until next year.”
“Oh, looks like we have the same lunch and art class. You’ll like Mrs. Carey. She’s a little different but very cool. Well, here is Biology. I’ll see you later.”
“Thanks. See you later.”

During lunch, I opted for the vending machines as my nutrition source. “Stephanie, hi!” Tanya squealed as she hugged me. I’d met her during summer camp. She had no inhibitions that I had noticed. She was crazy and a lot of fun to be around.” Where are you eating?” “ Umm, not sure yet.” “Come eat with us.” She motioned to three others. “Sure, thanks.”
Tanya had auburn hair that cascaded down her shoulders in thick natural curls. Her eyes were deep blue and laughed at life. She was fearless and outgoing, everything that I wanted to be.
We sat beneath the awning outside of the gym. Tanya introduced me to Leslie, an African American girl. Leslie smiled but only made brief eye contact before looking down and away. Perhaps she was shy also. Even though the temperature was warm enough by lunchtime to shed any outer layer of clothing, she was still wearing her oversized sweatshirt.
Mark and Emily were fraternal twins. Mark wore his football Jersey and Emily looked like a picture in her cheerleading uniform. Most of the conversation that day centered on the football season. I tried to appear interested but the only thing I knew about football was that one team tried to make more goals than the other and it looked like a painful sport despite all the padding the players wore.


October
(This chapter is still being written)
The stack of graded tests sat on Mrs. Mathews desk. Written on the black board were their results: A-5, B-3, C-6, D-2, F-3. I was nearly certain that one of those C’s were mine. Unable to decode any meaning from Mrs. Mathew’s expression as she handed me my test, I took a deep breath. Whew! I exhaled a sigh of relief. I could live with a C in math even though it was the only obstacle keeping me from the honor roll.
The first month of school went better than I had anticipated. I had more friends than I’d ever had. I didn’t even mind sitting through Algebra. Daniel tutored me in the subject after school. My parents thought I was getting help from the teacher and I decided to let them remain under that assumption. After all, I hadn’t lied. I just simply told them that I was being tutored.
We found a place in the grassy area behind the cafeteria. Underneath the oak trees with their changing kaleidoscope of leaves we sat. Daniel reached and gently pulled a fallen leaf out of my hair, letting his fingers caress my strands.

November:
Football was boring to me but I was excited about the impending game. The Flora Cavaliers were playing their biggest rivals, the West High Vikings. The game had been so hyped up for weeks that the excitement caught even the sports non-enthusiasts, like me.
Jeff, Carly’s older brother, dropped us off at the game. “Save our seats Steph. I’m going to grab us something to drink.” Carly said. “Sure, get some chips too.”
“Hey Girl! I thought you weren’t coming tonight.” I turned to the direction of Tanya’s voice, which was sitting a couple rows behind me. Leslie was there also.
“Hi guys. I decided to see what all the commotion is about. Thought I may be missing out on something. Mark and Emily have been talking about this game like it’s the Super Bowl. Why don’t you guys come down here and sit with me and my cousin?”
Leslie sat beside me. “I guess you could say it is the Super Bowl of Flora.”
Tanya was beaming as her eyes followed Mark onto the field.
“Thanks Carly.” I said as she offered me the refreshments. “These are my friends, Leslie and Tanya.”
They were patient with my frequent questions about the game and who was in the lead as I tried to follow along. The game was close but roars and shouts from the crowd followed our winning touchdown.
“That was actually kind of fun.” I said as we made our way out of the stands toward the players to congratulate Mark and Emily.
Threw all the noise, screams erupted. They were different than cheers of victory. Then we saw people running. I looked around wondering if this was a common occurrence after a game. When I looked at Carly, I saw a look of worry and then horror. I followed her line of site to see rocks and bricks being flung in our direction from the stands. We ran out to the field to put distance between us and the members of the losing team who apparently were very angry by their lose.
I heard Tanya scream above the noise. “Mark! Shit.”
We ran over to where a circle of his teammates had pulled an unconscious Mark out of range of the shower of crap being thrown at us. Blood was gushing from some place but it difficult to tell where exactly. His face and jersey was covered in red.
We heard he cops breaking up the riot about the same time the paramedics arrived to help Mark.
Tanya and Emily were crying hysterically. Carly, Leslie and I looked on helplessly in horror at what had happened. Tanya and Leslie followed the ambulance to the hospital. Jeff took Carly and me. The entire football team waited with us to hear news of Marks injuries.
We were relieved when Mark walked slowly into the waiting area. “You all really shouldn’t have come here. I’ll be fine, other than a dozen stitches and a kick ass headache. It’s nothing though compared to what those savages will feel when I get my hands on them.”
That was Mark. One hundred percent jock and ready to exact revenge on any idiot who needed a good lesson.
Now that the excitement was over and we knew everyone was all right, more or less, Carly and I headed to her house. The next morning, we woke up and hurried to get the newspaper. The riot made front page of the Sunday issue. Not much happened in Flora, so this was the talk of the town that weekend. Cops arrested five seniors from West High for instigating a riot. One of those arrested turn out to be the nephew of West High’s vice-principal. It was amazing that Marks injuries were the worst. Others had minor cuts and bruises from being pelted by the rocks and bricks, but nothing major.




The next morning, I pulled on a blue sweater to go with my new jeans. Autumn was my favorite season. Chills swept through my body but it wasn’t because of the temperature. I recognized the sound of the other bedroom door closing. It was with force and purpose. He stormed into the room with his belt in his hand and I felt my knees go weak. “Who were those boys you were talking to at the game?” He demanded. “You’d better answer me!” His eyebrows closed together and he bared his teeth. I knew what was coming.
“No one.”
The strap came down with force across my head.
“Don’t lie to me. I hate liars. I know you were talking to boys and I saw that Negro girl you were sitting beside.”
I realized he had gone to the game to check up on me. He had left afterwards on a weekend fishing trip and returned sometime during the night. No doubt, he had been brewing all weekend. I was thankful that Daniel had not been there. If my father saw me holding hands or kissing a guy, he would of killed both of us right then and there. I knew that the only things I could do is brace myself and get this over with as soon as possible.
My voice was weak and my body was shaking with fear. “They were just kids from school.” Before I could say another word, my body landed against the wall.
“Get up!” He shouted.
I didn’t want to move but I automatically obeyed. His face came toward mine until I could feel his breath hissing between his teeth. “You will not leave this house to go anywhere except to school for a month. If I ever catch you talking to those people again, you won’t be able to move.” Then he grabbed my hair and threw me down again.
“Get out of my face.” He spat when he was content that he had made his point.
Happily. I thought to myself.
“I can’t stand to look at you.”

That night as I lay in bed, I counted the years until I could leave this house. They seemed like an eternity. I counted the number of airplanes flying by in the night sky. The space shuttle Discovery disaster that had happened the year before, killing all of the astronauts on board and a teacher did nothing to discourage my desire to get as close as possible to those peaceful stars that I fell asleep to each night.
It was dark and the house was quiet. I found myself standing in the kitchen reaching for the pistol. I was careful to not make a sound. My thumping heart was the only noise. Could this be the end? Could tonight be the night that I finally would find the strength to end it? I looked at the gun that felt so heavy in my hand. How loud would it be? How much would it hurt? Would death be instant? Would I blink my eyes just to open them in the next instant to see heaven? God wouldn’t blame me for this, would he? Wait, what am I thinking? I have an alternative.
He was the monster. He deserved to suffer and burn. All of our lives would be so much better if he was gone. I was at my parents’ bedroom door. I didn’t know which was the loudest, my breathing or my heart. What if I failed and he somehow got the gun and turned on me and the rest of my family. I reached for the doorknob but before I could touch it, it opened. Suddenly I was staring into the eyes of the monster. I watched with fear and dread as he took in the situation and then, I woke with a start. My heart was thumping as hard as it had been in the dream. Was it possible for someone as young as me to have a heart attack?
I use to only feel fear. I felt much more now. Anger seethed inside of me. Why did I have to be born his child? Why couldn’t I have a normal family? Home should be a place where I felt safe and protected, not endangered. I wanted him to die. I prayed for death to take me during my sleep or for a horrible, painful accident to happen to him. I swore that as soon as I found myself free of this nightmare, I would never come back. I wouldn’t call or visit. Maybe I would send a letter that would let him know how much I hated him. Maybe.

As much as I dreaded weekends, holidays were even worse. The two-week Christmas break couldn’t of passed by any slower. It was like watching water boil. I missed Daniel. I wasn’t allowed to talk to boys on the phone. Back in the day, when phones had cords, the only phone we had was located beside the recliner where every word I said was overheard by the omnipresent monster.
I was eagerly looking forward to returning to school. My restriction was over and Tanya had invited me to her house. My parents had said that I could go. They weren’t aware that she was also having a party. Even though it wasn’t going to be wild or anything close, they would of never consented.





January

I was looking forward to the sleepover with Tanya. It was her birthday and all of our friends would gather at her house that evening for her party.
Daniel and I grabbed our lunch from the vending machine and went to join the rest of the group. Leslie was sitting across from Tanya. Something was bothering her. Maybe she couldn’t come to the party. That would be too bad. Leslie was a lot of fun. She wasn’t very gregarious but she had a quiet and morbid sense of humor that I really enjoyed.
“Hey guys.” I said with a mouth full of doughnut.
Tanya was still looking at Leslie with concern. “Hi Steph. Hi Daniel. Leslie, can I tell them what happened?”
Leslie looked as if she was holding back tears. She nodded.
“What’s going on?” Daniel asked.
“Last night, around 11:30, Leslies’ family was wakened when someone threw a brick threw the living room window. They got up to see what the noise was. When they went downstairs, they noticed the window and then they saw a cross burning in their yard.”
We were all quiet for a moment. . Emily shook her head in disgust. She didn’t understand this kind of hatred. “What is wrong with those people? We’re not living in the sixties! I can’t believe idiots like them still exist.”
I couldn’t understand that kind of hatred either, but I knew too well that it existed. I had been taken along to a couple of clan meetings. I had seen the white hoods and the burning crosses. I had heard the vulgar hate spew from his mouth. If he knew that one of my best friends was black, he would kill me. I had decided that I didn’t care any more. I was on the verge of a break down and if that was the straw that broke the camels back, then so be it.
Mark offered to rally some of his jock friends and steak out Leslie’s house. “We’ll make kabobs out of whoever did that. If they like burning wood so much, then we will let them smell it burn around their racist bodies. Don’t worry Leslie, we’ve got your back.”
“Thanks Mark, but mom says that it’s best to just let this sort of thing die down on its own. Anger only makes things worse. When you outwardly acknowledge an act of hatred, you give it recognition and importance. Dad says that whoever did it is trying to run us out if the neighborhood, that we should show no fear and respectfully stand our ground. The Burton family down the street had the same experience shortly after they moved in a couple of years ago. Since then, things have calmed down, except for when a new family of color moves in.”
Leslie’s father, Mr. Dixon, was a professor of science. He accepted a position with the local college here over the summer. They relocated from Alabama. Mr. Dixon had been a bus passenger on the day that Rosa Parks refused to give up her seat. Her watched from the rear in awe and astonishment at this woman who so bravely and dignified asserted her natural right to sit where she wanted. That day made a great impression on him.
I sat thinking about how different but similar Leslie and I were. We lived in fear of different things. At the same time, the man I feared the most was also the man that would gladly torment her family.
When I was seven, I was playing in my yard with my neighbor. She was the only girl my age on our street and we played often. Well, I guess he thought it would be funny to come out of the house in his white hat and robe to scare us. She was scared all right. She took off running down the driveway, fell and scraped her knee. Her parents never allowed her to play with me again.
Tanya’s older sister was a senior with driving privileges. We all squeezed into her car, probably not one hundred percent legal because I had to sit practically on top of Tanya. The radio was blaring AC/DC and we were singing along. I felt an exhilarating sense of freedom.
There were many things about tonight that I knew he wouldn’t approve of. For one, boys would be at the party. Another thing that would surely send him over edge was Leslie. I didn’t care though. I felt rebellious and free, at least for the moment.

Tanya’s parents were still at work when we pulled into her drive. She lived in a beautiful neighborhood with wonderful tall oak and pine trees. In her back yard, her family had built a spacious deck centered on one of the oaks. A wooden ladder climbed the oak leading to a tree house. White lights winded up to the branches and lanterns were strung around the deck. To the side of the deck stood a round fire pit.

Daniel went inside to fetch the karaoke machine, while the girls and I gathered the refreshments. The guest would start arriving in about three hours. Tanya had invited about ten of our classmates. A few guys would be there including one that she had a huge crush on. The object of her affection was none other than the tall, sandy blond haired sophomore named Mark that ate lunch with us. Tanya had never spoken to anyone about her feelings for Mark, but they were obvious in the way she looked at him and smiled. She was afraid that he did not feel the same about her and if she made a move, he might run. That’s how she put to me. I told her that she was crazy. I could tell that his smile got a little wider as soon as he saw her. Mark and Daniel should have been handing out with different cliques in school, the jocks and the intellectuals. I like to think that Tanya’s and my friendship superseded cliques and formed these two friendships between guys that were different but both wonderful in their own way. Mark was a star football player at Flora, and came from generations of star athletes who had paid for their college education with athletic scholarships. Daniels’ family had moved to Forest Acres from Boston over last summer. Daniels’ dad was the new rabbi at the only synagogue in town. Intelligence was a common trait passed down in his family. I was amazed at how well I had acclimated myself into this new environment filled with such wonderful and interesting friends. I should of felt terribly inferior.
The winter sun set around five o’clock. The southern weather was a blessing. We partied outside surrounded by the glittering lights and three quarter moon. Tanya worked up the nerve to ask Mark to dance. She glowed as he moved her across the deck. I wondered if she realized how lucky she was to have been born to her parents. I read a book over the summer about someone’s’ theory of heaven. They believed that our spirits know one another before we are born and we see what our lives will be like before we are born, but once we are; we forget everything that we once knew. I threw the book in the trash before I finished it. My heaven and God wouldn’t allow or force someone to live through my hell and there is sure no way that I would willingly choose this life.
“Stephenie, I want to show you something.” Daniel took my hand and led me down the stairs of the deck further into the endless yard. The moonlight was glistening off of something not too far in front of us.
“Wow, she has a creek too. This place is awesome. I would spend all my time back here if I could.”
“I thought you would like this.”
This night was the most perfect in my life so far. I didn’t want to go to sleep tonight. I didn’t want tomorrow to come. I shivered.
Daniel pulled me closer to him and wrapped his arms around me. I tucked my arms inside his jacket and placed them around his waist. Daniel always gave me a feeling of serenity but at this moment other emotions erupted. I wanted to be closer to him, closer than was possible. I could feel his breath on face as we stood on that creek bank. I couldn’t see his eyes in the dimness surrounding us but it didn’t matter. Soon our eyes were closed as our lips found each other’s and a feeling surged through my body that I had never felt before. It was amazing. I felt more alive and desirable than I ever had before. Our lips moved in perfect synchronization. I took in his breath and allowed my body to succumb to the rapture. His hair feathered through my fingers. His hands held firmly. I always wondered how my first kiss would happen. I never imagined it would be this perfect, forceful but so gentle.
He kept his arms around me, which was the only thing that kept me from collapsing to the ground beneath us.
“Look up.” He whispered in my ear. The Quandrantides meteor shower astonished us with their bright blue dances across the cool clear January sky.
“Will you go to the Valentine Dance with me next month?” Daniel asked as we stargazed.
“Of course I will.” I smiled. I didn’t know what alibi I would come up with to tell my parents yet, but I had over a month to think of one.
“Oh, hi guys. So this is where you two disappeared to.” Tanya said with a smirk.
She and Mark were walking up to us hand in hand. It looked as if the night was going as she wished it would. I blushed and gave an understanding look at her.
“Daniel and I were just on our way back for some refreshments. That is if there are any left.”
“I don’t know. Leslie and Sarah are hitting the salsa and chips pretty hard while everyone else is busy dancing. The last brownie was devoured ten songs ago.”
“ We’d better hurry back then.” Daniel and I left and granted Tabitha and Mark privacy.
Later that night, Tanya and I would gush and share all the tidbits of our night. We also made plans for the night of the Valentine dance. We had both been asked to go earlier that night.
I had explained to Tanya that my parents were very strict and would not allow me to talk to boys much less go to a dance. She quickly agreed to be my accomplice. I tried on several of her dresses. I really liked a particular sapphire colored knee length dress of hers. “It looks great on you. You have to wear that one to the dance. The color really brings out your eyes.” She told me. “Thank you Tanya. I can’t wait. I’ve never been to a dance before.”
“Let’s experiment with hairstyles and make-up!” Tanya grabbed my hand and pulled me to the bathroom and began plugging up various curling, crimping, and flat irons.
“Okay, what do you think?“ She turned me around to face the mirror.
At first, I didn’t say anything. I just stared at the unfamiliar reflection. “Wow, I hardly recognize myself. I don’t think that I’ve worn this much makeup ever. I like it though. I love the up do with spiral curls falling down. Do you think Daniel will recognize me?”
“I bet his jaw drops!”
We both laughed. I think we finally fell asleep around four a.m.

Before I left to return home, I called Daniel. He sleepily answered his phone. “Hi Daniel, it’s me. Sorry if I woke you. I miss you.”
“You can wake me anytime. I miss you too. Are you still at Tanya’s?”
“Yes, but I’ll be leaving soon. I know that I will see you tomorrow but I just wanted to hear your voice again before then.”
“I thought about you for hours before I finally fell asleep early this morning. I wish that I could call you.”
“Me too. Sorry my dad is an ass.”
“That’s not your fault. You didn’t choose him. I’ll meet you at your locker in the morning. I have something that I want to give you.”
“Really? What is it?”
“A little surprise. You’ll have to wait to find out.”
“I can’t wait. See you tomorrow.”
I wanted to tell him “I love you”, but I thought it would be better to say that for the first time in person and not over the phone.

Daniel and I grew closer. The touch of his hand made me strong, his embrace gave me peace, and my heart soared with his kisses. The letters that he wrote to me, I hid in my locker. I memorized the words and thought about them when I felt alone. They were my rosaries. He was my angel.


*Letters*
(This section will be expanded.)
November 2
Dear Stephanie,
I dreamt about you last night and when I woke, I couldn’t get back to sleep so I wanted to write you a letter. I’m not very good at putting my feelings down on paper. I’m much better at math, but you probably already know that.
In the dream, we were dancing. You were beautiful, as always. I remember holding you in my arms and thinking about how soft you felt. There was no one else around. We were alone in a garden. The magnolia trees and gardenias were blooming. I placed a small gardenia in your hair and took in the fragrance as we moved together.
In the dream, I remember feeling a sense of forever, like we never had to say goodbye.
I wish you were here with me now, not only in my thoughts, which you always are, but physically.
It is 4am on Saturday. It is twenty-seven more hours until I can see your radiant smile again. Twenty-seven more hours until I can swim in your sea green eyes surrounded by their sky blue halo.
I will try to sleep again now and dream of you.
Forever,
Daniel

November 4th
Dear Daniel,
I am sitting in study hall. They really should call it goof off hour. I don’t see anyone studying. I guess that includes me too, ha-ha.
I love the letter that you wrote me. I think that you express yourself wonderfully on paper.
I want you to know that it hurts me when we are apart too. I think about you from the time I wake until I fall asleep, and then also in my dreams.
I am sorry that we can’t call each other after school. My dad is very controlling and if he knew that I even had a boyfriend, he would flip. I know that you could easily have another girlfriend with normal parents. I am lucky to have such an understanding guy like you.
Maybe one day your dream will come true. Dancing in your arms and never having to leave them would definitely be a dream for me.
Well, ten more minutes until the bell rings. I’ll see you soon.
4-Ever
P.S. Write more letters. I love them.

November 5,
Dearest Stephenie,
Another girlfriend? Stop. Do you honestly not know how special you are? To me, you are different than all the other girls. There could be no replacing you. You are genuine and beautiful inside and out. I have had enough girlfriends that were superficial and shallow.
Please don’t sell yourself short.
FOREVER,
Daniel

February

“Ouch, careful Tanya. I would like to keep some hair on my head.”
“Hold still and stop whining. I haven’t even got to your eyebrows yet.”
“Tanya, I’m nervous. I’ve never been to a dance before. What if I step on his foot? I have this awful feeling that I’m going to make a fool out of myself.”
“You will be so beautiful that it won’t matter if you break his foot. Daniel is not going to notice anything except you.”
“How long before he and Mark arrive?”
“One hour. Now stop asking me that every five minutes. Your worse than a little kid on a vacation asking, “Are we there yet?”
Tanya went into her purse and held out a cigarette to me.
“Here, take a few draws off of this. It will calm your nerves.”
“I didn’t know you smoked.”
“Don’t go getting all judgmental on me now. I only do it every now and then. It helps to calm nerves.”
“Okay, but do you have an extra toothbrush? I don’t want to smell like cigarettes.”
She was right. It did calm me down a bit, but it tasted awful. After I brushed my teeth and gargled twice, I slipped on the dress. I looked in the full-length mirror in Tanya’s bathroom. Wow, I looked and felt more beautiful than I ever had.
The doorbell chimed and Michelle let Daniel and Mark into the living room downstairs. Mark was the proud new owner of a drivers’ license and was eager to be our chauffer.
As Tanya and I made our way to the stairs, I couldn’t shake the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was more than just butterflies. I felt as if something terrible was going to happen. I told myself to stop worrying and enjoy the night. When I laid eyes on Daniel, I felt overwhelmingly calm and joyful. He looked ten years older in his grey suite and light blue shirt. His eyes and smile told me that he was pleased with what he now saw as well. He tenderly wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my forehead. “You look amazing tonight.” He whispered into my ear.
Tanya’s mom focused her camera on the four of us. “Smile. You all look amazing. Be careful. Make sure you wear your seatbelts, and no detours. Straight to the dance and back after its finished.”
“Yes, mom. Don’t worry.” Tanya answered as we headed out the door.
Daniel held the door for me as I climbed in the back seat. The scent of our perfume and cologne was overwhelming but pleasant. I said a silent prayer to my guardian angel. “Please guide my feet tonight and make me on the dance floor as graceful and beautiful as I feel.”
The sun had set two hours earlier, and it was a new moon tonight. The air was cold but it gave me reason to cuddle closer to Daniel. Mark shook his head. “Hey guys, it might take me a while to find a parking space. I’ll let you guys out in front of the gym and I’ll met you in there.”
“Okay, we’ll see you inside.” Daniel replied.
Tanya looked at Mark. “If you think that I am letting you out of my sight for one second, you’re crazy. The entire cheerleading team, aside from your sister, will be making moves. I’ll walk as far as I have to, but I am walking in with you.”
Mark leaned over as Daniel and I were letting ourselves out to kiss Tanya.
“Daniel, lets have our picture taken. Wow, the decorations are so stunning.”
“Yeah, but a little too heavy on the pink don’t you think?”
“It’s Valentines Day Daniel. Now smile big.”
I knew that I couldn’t take the picture home but I could at least keep it in my locker.
I felt the most beautiful girl in the world that night. I could see in Daniel’s eyes when he looked at me, a certain softness, certainty, and pride. The way he placed his hand on the small of my back as we made our way around the gym made me feel secure, glamorous, and gave me a sense of belonging. I belonged to Daniel and he to me.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(This will come at the end, as a sense of closure.)
For each time that you told me, "I can't stand to look at you." I turn my back, smile and begin anew. For each bruise you put upon my body and each scar you etched into my soul. Your next life will be spent in Hell. Here is a quarter for Satan's toll. I buried you in my mind, like so many times before. This time is different. You will rise no more.
Your body lies in a pasture full of cattle and covered in dung. You may have won the battles but the war I have won.
I live each day to explore and soar from the mountains to the sea.
You are now and will always be, nothing but dead to me.




I ran as fast as I could run. My feet felt like they were moving in a pool of water. My lungs gasped through their pain for air. The world was spinning all around, changing with every step I made. The sky broke loose soaking me to my bone. The only sound that I could hear was the thumping of my heart.
I felt an arm grab onto me turning me around, making me fall onto the ground.
“Stephenie, what are you doing? What is happening?” Daniel