47th Annual Rachel Carson Conference

Write a story or poem about bedbugs.

DAY 1
“Please come to order,” Betty Bedbug pleads from the podium.  “Silence, please.”  Rustling noises from the crowd simmer down.  “Thank you.”  She looks out over the writhing mass before her and is pleased with the turnout.  “Welcome all to the 47th Annual Rachel Carson Conference here in Las Vegas.”  Silence fills the grand ballroom of The Azura Casino Resort.  “This year marks the 38th anniversary of the U.S. ban on DDT.”  Heads nod and a tiny applause sounds. 

“We have come a long way since then thanks to the diligence of our masses around the world.  Today we are proud that our numbers are on a steady ascent.  If we keep up the good work of the past, our next conference should bring even greater news and more participants.”  Tiny applause and head nods.  “As your chairwoman, I’m proud to introduce several workshops for your participation.  Sign-up sheets are at the back of the room, so please attend as many of these events that you can.”  A slight shuffling and some talking cause Betty to announce, “But before you all go sign up, how about a rousing rendition of our signature song?”  Everyone settles down and awaits the introductory notes followed by all singing:

“We don’t eat paper, we don’t eat meat,
“A nice fat vein powers our feet
“Give us some blood, a place to hide
“We’re happy when we’re satisfied!
“Bedbugs we’re born, bedbugs we’ll die!”

The music dies down as the bedbugs exit the ballroom and head off to their hiding spots.

DAY 2
Workshops for attendees:

New Parents: a comprehensive session dealing with the birth of your youngsters, what to expect during formative years: “How Old is Too Young to Teach?”, “Problems with Molting,” “The Five Steps to Adult”

Still Molting?: for the young crowd -- whether you’ve molted for the first time or are ready for molt #5 – tips to help you through the shedding: “When Am I Ready to Get to the Good Blood Spots?”, “Does Molting Hurt?” 
         
Early adults: So you’ve survived your five molts, what’s next?  “Human Anatomy 101,”  “The Pitfalls of Greediness,” “Recognizing Prime Territory,” "Freckles and Moles: Avoid?"

Adults: “Empty-nest Syndrome,” “Advanced Hiding Places,” “Bedding: cotton, flannel, satin – which is best?”, “10 Steps to Prepare for Pest Control Invasions”

Seniors: “Passing Stories Down to Your Offspring” (PowerPoint presentation provided by Earl), “Choosing a Senior Living Facility,” “Travel – Which is the best mode?”

DAY 3
The gavel bangs and Betty Bedbug again takes the podium.  “Welcome to our final day of the Rachel Carson Conference.  Are you all having a good time?”  Tiny applause and murmurs.  “Good.  Remember there will be copies of Miss Carson’s book, “Silent Spring” available in the lobby after this session for those of you who have still not read her work.  She is a heroine to all of us; without her book detailing the dangers of widespread use of DDT that resulted in the U.S. banning the substance in 1972, none of us would be here today.”  Head nods and mild applause.  “And as a side note, the book makes for an excellent travel conveyance.”

“Before we wrap things up here, I’d like to introduce some special bedbugs now.  Would Althea Bedbug please stand?”  Heads turn to the back of the room where an elderly, five-month old Althea stands.  Tiny applause and smiles.  Althea half-waves to the crowd.  “Althea is receiving the award for producing the most eggs over her lifetime.  As you know, the average is around 200, but Althea shattered that record with an egg count of 351.  Good job, Althea.”  Moderately loud applause.

“Next I’d like to introduce Karl Bedbug.  Would you please rise?”  He stands near the left side to applause.  “Karl is receiving the Most-Traveled Award.  Through some acquaintances in Washington, D.C., Karl was able to hitch rides with Secretary of State Hillary Clinton this year.  These are just a few places Karl visited: San Francisco, Bosnia, Herzegovina, Serbia, Kosovo, Brussells, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Vietnam, Ukraine, Poland, Azerbaijan, Armenia, and Georgia.  And that was only July through October.”  Applause.  “Karl reports his wife, Marilyn, who accompanied him, was able to drop eggs at almost every stop along the way.”  Loud applause.  “He also said he gained some traveling companions in Afghanistan.  As we like to say, ‘The more the merrier’ – am I right?”  Loud applause.

“Next up is Butch Bedbug.  Please stand, Butch?”  He stands to tiny applause.  “Butch receives the Medal of Honor for the bedbugs he saved at the Plaza Hotel in New York City this past summer.  He managed to transport 33,507 fellow bedbugs out of mattresses, headboards, and carpeting when the hotel management hired exterminators to rid the place of us.  Through quick thinking and excellent communication skills, Butch led the throng to the elevator shafts on each floor where the evacuees clung to hope during the three days necessary for the pesticides to dissipate.  Once the all-clear was sounded, his companions safely made it back to their mattresses, pillows, headboards, luggage, clothing, and bed linens.  The Plaza infestation continues!  Kudos to you, Butch.”  Loud applause.

“Finally I’d like to recognize all of you who are here.  Without your support, our movement would die out.  We can’t let that happen.  Our goal is to infest as many places as possible with the fewest casualties.  Remember our motto: ‘If it’s alive, we will thrive.’  So as you leave Las Vegas, be on the lookout for luggage, books are a good place to hitch a ride, and of course, the old standby – clothing.  Until next time, everyone have a safe trip home!”

Loud applause.

The bedbugs head to the casino lobby where several groups of middle-aged, bleary-eyed tourists stand with their luggage, awaiting the arrival of the airport shuttle.

“Ooh, that tag says Hawaii,” Betty Bedbug exclaims.  “Aloha, see you at the next conference!”


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