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I’m not sure of the exact moment that it happened. For what must have been several hours I stared into the void space that was formerly my Father, so much turned to so little. I could scarcely separate my feelings of grief or relief from uncertainty and ambivalence. The faint, nearly inaudible words of our last conversation lingered fresh in my mind.

Nearly 69 years ago my Father landed on Siall Prime in the Unt Siall System. Barely a boy himself, he and his mother - my Grandmother, had like so many others found it hard to resist the opportunity to start anew in the Lacuna Expanse - there were so many habitable planets, so many possible futures. The Old Systems (the first colonised in the Expanse), were ruled oppressively by monarchs and despots, who maintained rule through force or had been the descendants of first settlers and claimed rule by birthright.  For those without power or nobility some form of servitude was almost certainly in store. My Grandmother had neither, and the means by which she even made it onto the colony ship had never been discussed between us.

Siall Prime was an Orbit 4 planet, well suited to our species: some essential minerals, natural water, it was promising, but it was only a seed.  The first years were very difficult, my Father would describe to me the poor living conditions in the underdeveloped world. Food was scarce at first and he frequently recounted to me months of eating nothing but fungus and algae, with the odd bit of syrup on holidays. There were riots and industrial pollution and many people died, most of which was expected, but still quite taxing.

At the worst of times my Grandmother would lament her decision to settle there. They had come from a bad planet,  that was true, but there was real food there and the assurance of civilization. When my Father reached fifteen years of age it was quite apparent that there were only a few career options for an able bodied man with no real education or aristocratic social graces.  As my Grandmother’s physical condition deteriorated (there were age treatments and genetics available, but only  to the very privileged), the mines became the only feasible solution and like many of the other boys from their neighbourhood, my Father spent the next six years hauling chromite and sulfur out of the massive caverns that had been dug into Siall Prime’s surface. He made for the two of  them the best life possible.

When she died there were only a handful of people from the local community present, most attended out of pity rather than friendship.  It broke my Father’s heart. He remembered the stories she had told him as a youth, the things that could be and how this world would be theirs. The way my Father described it, it sounded as if the two of them had planned to hold hands around the planet itself and orbit that brilliant blue star for infinity. She had promised safety and security and this rock had brought none of those things. The entire colony felt like a pathetic fantasy trumped up by the companies that make colony ships, the Lacuna Expanse Corporation and their mining conglomerates. The memorial on the Network 19 feed was one of about 7000 from people in the surrounding sectors. It took him several readings before he actually found her name.

The apartment they had shared together for so many years felt like an alien derelict that night. Despondent, he awoke the next morning, proceeded to the mining company office and promptly registered for an off-world operation. There was a large gold deposit found in an 7th orbit asteroid, it was much riskier than the work he was doing on Siall Prime, and the return rate of miners was barely over fifty percent, but that suited him fine – besides anywhere was better than where he was now.

That half-handed attempt at suicide somehow turned into being one of the best decisions of his life . Over the next couple years he watched many of his co-workers die, good men, men with families, women with  families, plus more than a few close calls himself. In the end however the deposit was larger than they had estimated and his work there was by all accounts a success. He spent nearly five years on the mining platform, advancing considerably within in the company. Off-shift he would sometimes  visit the observation decks and gaze, first at Unt Siall Prime and then in the direction of the distant planet he and his mother had journeyed from. It always struck him as peculiar that neither of them seemed to be more a part of him than anywhere else.

The mining community often adopted military terminology and made it their own. Fitting, if one were to compare mortality rates.  Nearing the end of  his ‘tour’, he was offered an administrator position planet-side. Asteroid mining is for the young and reckless, but those that do survive are valued for their experience. The idea of  moving back to Siall Prime didn’t seem any more desirable than staying on the asteroid, but where else could he  go.

The idea of returning to the planet that my Grandmother had brought them from arose often in his mind. He didn’t have much information, but perhaps there was a cousin or a relation, someone who knew who she was before. Those ideas all came to a stunning halt when the first news of war reached the Network. The Old worlds had longstanding grudges and entire systems were being brought to the brink of non-existence. Billions of people were fleeing and Unt Siall was now prime real estate. With the money made from his trade and with this new knowledge, some of the negative thoughts my Father had harboured for so long concerning Grandmother’s choices began to dissipate.

It was right around that time that my Mother was hired as an Envoy at the Unt Siall Prime Embassy.  New money and desired property brought the world of politics to Unt Siall and there were even plans for a new colony in the neighbouring Groastee system. From his desk my father would watch her on the Network, greeting delegates, outing spies and shaking hands with planetary leaders.  No one could describe my Mother’s beauty like my Father did, even on his deathbed the description of her features brought warm tears that nestled themselves in the weathered creases beside his eyes.

They eventually met, fell in love and I became me. Mother was from Ash 7, a newer world. She came here on her own after her schooling looking for any opportunity and ended up at the Embassy where she was offered a job quite readily. My Father always said it was her winning attitude and book smarts, but everyone else ,including her, knew it was mostly her looks. The looks that had smitten my Father and sometimes, in the right lighting, at the right angle I also saw when I looked in to a mirror.

Being an Envoy had certain benefits and as a child I soaked up them heartily. I would travel with her often. On rare occasions when Father could arrange the time, we would travel as a family. It was these times that may have been the happiest in my life. Everywhere seemed more exciting than our drab planet and I wanted to see it all.

Our university was one of the best in the sector, so I went there.  During one of the summer sessions, a few friends and I purchased a personal shuttle. It was barely air-worthy and we had to wear environment suits at all times. It could break atmosphere though and was small enough that we got away with four runs before anybody questioned us. The punishments were relatively lax, and I had never felt more alive. I suppose you could say I had found my calling. 

Then something started happening -  some of the newer settlers from the Old worlds had brought with them a rumour concerning the true nature of the war that was occurring. They believed that the initial attacks were not prompted by one of the ill-tempered despots and monarchs as suspected, but rather by the intrusion of a probe of unknown origin on protected space. It was assumed to be a hostile act, from a rival empire and in all the destruction and chaos that followed, no one took too much time to ask questions. All the network affiliates had restricted any related articles and so the gossip continued as gossip unfettered for some time. It was in this time that I first heard the word saben.

I applied to flight school right after graduation; I could barely concentrate on my school work and I squeaked by much to the dismay of my professors, but to the great relief of my parents. I didn’t take the summer off, it was straight off to flight school.  My parents had both moved to the space station, where the Embassy had assigned my Mother and I spent my days training in orbit around Siall. 

I’ll never know the reason for my Mother’s death. It was explained to me that she was ‘collateral damage’ in a spy mission to assassinate one of the Security ministers, but that never satisfied my knowing. I never saw the body. The downturn in my  father was immediate and when his retirement followed a few months later I feared the worst.  Flight training had become more and more intense and leaving fewer opportunities  for me to visit with him. We ran through every manoeuvre and every formation, all of them signs that we were preparing for a threat we didn’t quite know or understand.

I saw my Father eight months later on the same massive hulk that was the space station. He was a shell of the former man. His fight died with my Mother and the years of labour in the mines with closed breathing systems were wreaking their inevitable havoc on his respiratory system. We sat in silence for what seemed like an eon before I  attempted to speak. He cut the words out of my mouth  and instead offered me many of the details of this journal entry.  Afterwards we sat  in silence for some time. I watched his spirit weaken in front of me. I watched him let go.

The overwhelming feeling of being alone rose and sank until there was only Father and Son. He opened his eyes one last time and without the force of breath to move his voice said, “Unt Siall does not feel like home because... it is not your home or mine for that matter, nor is this station.... Son we are children of the milky way,... of entirety.”

I stumbled on my words, trying to say something, but before I could his wheezing breath ceased and the end had descended. Slowly I released my father’s hand from mine. I placed it folded across his chest. I kissed the cold, colourless forehead and stood up. Out the port window I saw the Allied carrier, the flight plans had been drawn and we would be set to deploy in 22 hours. 

When the  saben infiltrated Network 19 it was impossible to maintain the media ban any longer. The threat was real, alien and merciless. The words saben demense became synonymous with death and no colony was immune to the sense of foreboding.  Now, there was a fleet of them headed to our sector and my squadron had been selected to be part of the first wave of defence.

He was right, my Father, it was all mine. I felt as connected to the ground on Unt Siall Prime as I did to the rings of Ash 7, as connected to the air I breathe, as I did to the atom at the center of a neutron star, to the spirits of my ancestors and to my unborn children. It is all me and all of me. The Lacuna Expanse is my home and it will not be relinquished - I hope for their sake the saben are ready.



www.lacunaexpanse.com

A.H 11/2010