Seeking Love Part III

Chapter 6



I took a well deserved nap. My mind was exhausted and my body was tired. Recuperation was desperately needed. The slumber was peaceful and uninterrupted. No nightmares crashed my slumber party. My body was relaxed. As I inhaled, I smelled faint scents of dandelions, roses, and lavender. I had no clue where it was coming from. I was awakened by gentle vibrations. I woke up and looked towards the window. There was a hummingbird perched on its ledge. Somewhere in the in the midst of time, a birdfeeder was placed in the corner of the window. The hummingbird sat happily feeding and singing. I looked passed the bird and saw trees and flowers. They weren’t there the last time I looked outside. I got up and sat next to the window. I gazed at the beauty just beyond it. I wanted to be there. Before the Light had a chance to ask me, I asked myself... “Tameka, how bad do you want it?” I rolled my eyes at the question, because I didn’t know how much work was required to get what I wanted. I inhaled the fragrances deeply and appreciated what was beyond the window. My mind began to wonder. I thought about the last time I entered into the dark room. I noticed that its membership had decreased tremendously. Members that were attached to other members had been destroyed.  All that were attached to Violation, Hurt, Insecurity, Low self-esteem, Curiosity, Lesbianism, and Loneliness were gone. It was such a relief. I felt lighter. Realizing how much I had accomplished encouraged me to go on. I went to the dark room and called upon Fear. When I called upon it, I heard my voice echo around the room. My voice had grown. It was stronger and clearer. It wasn’t as weak as it was before. It took me by surprise.



Fear came out. I carried it to the bed and sat on it. Fear was feisty. It bit me while I carried it, but I didn’t flinch. Don’t get me wrong, its bite did hurt, but I had to stay focused. I set it on the bed and I began talking to the Lord. “I don’t know what I am supposed to be saying. I think I need your help with Fear. I haven’t had to ask you for anything. You told me that I will never be alone, although it felt as You have. I need you to help me with this one. Please…” I sat on the bed. I felt awkward. I felt like I was speaking to myself. It was weird. I didn’t know how the Lord worked. Did He really hear me? I know He knew my thoughts, but that was when He was near me. Maybe He is near me now and He was just invisible. I felt something move within me. I didn’t know what it was, but it was a comforting sensation. I shrugged my shoulders and dismissed the feeling. I hoped I would get help.



I noticed something different. This time I only called upon one member. I’d normally dealt with three. That realization sent alarms off within me. This might be a huge job within itself. “I will not put more on you than you can bear.”  WAIT!!! WHAT WAS THAT?  I did not hear that out loud. Where did that come from? It was a voice, but I heard it like it was a thought. I was confused, because it was not my thoughts. Confusion was setting in. Was I going crazy? I’ve heard people speaking about hearing voices, but I was not one of them. Actually, I was. Something had dawned on me. This thought, voice, the familiarity of the Light, this Lord… I remembered! As a child, a teenager, and as an adult, I heard a voice. It would talk to me often. I use to hear it so often, that I would try to drown it out. It never told me anything wrong, but it would never leave me alone. I never discussed this with any of the other members. I was afraid they would think I was abnormal. I didn’t want anyone to think of me as strange. …Wow, so He had been with me. He was invisible. It was a real voice I was hearing. I was in awe.



Now that I was certain that I was never alone, I was able to face Fear. I didn’t know where to begin. I sat on the bed searching my thoughts. As I did a mental search, my eyes began searching the room. I knew I wasn’t alone, but I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was panicking and hyperventilating. My mind revisited places where Fear visited me. My eyes searched for an escape. I needed a way out. I needed to get away. I needed some air. God was there with me, but it felt as if I was alone.



While scanning the room, my eyes landed on the package that I received earlier. It was near the window. I ran to it, not the package but the window. I wanted to jump out of it. When I got to it, I heard a loud voice scream “NO!” I stopped in my tracks and fell to the floor. I yelled back, why me! There was a change in the atmosphere. I was broken. I was tired. The Lord said “My child, I will not put you thru anything, if you could not handle it”. His words did not comfort me. I felt like I was alone. I was so tired. “Pick up the book, My child”, the Lord said

I reluctantly picked the book. I didn’t immediately open it. I gazed at the beauty that the outside possessed. I needed peace. My heart longed for that. I opened the package and turned to the third page. It simply said “I am He”.

He? He who? I thought to myself. Okay, so He was the Lord, but what else did that mean? I turned the page and it said “See now, that I myself, am He! There is no god besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand. Deuteronomy 32:39”.  “He” equals God. “God” is the Lord. I got it, but wait. He wounds and He heals? So, did He permit all that happened to me to happen? Why? “My child, I give choices to my children. I did not hurt you, but I was there with you. Many nights I spoke to you and comforted you. You knew that you were not alone, but you did not know who I was. I was there in the corner. I would not let death come to you. I carried you thru, my child. You are whole. No diseases have harmed you. You and I are one. When you were violated, so was I. When you pained, so did I. When you felt alone, I cried. When you pleaded for help, I heard your cry. My child, I would not place more on you than you can bear. I permitted you to experience such things for a purpose of my own. You don’t understand why. It isn’t for you to understand. Just know that I got you. I have always had you in the palm of My hands and I will not let you go. Yes, I am He that permitted these things to take place, but I am also He that heals. That is what is taking place now. You must go back and face all that you’ve endured, feared, and buried. If you don’t, then it will hinder your growth. I said before that there would be times that you will feel alone, but I will be there. I am a God, I am your Father, that does not lie. My word will not return void. Know that you are never alone.” God always chimed in when I least expected Him to. He knew what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. My heart felt a little less burned. My anger had subsided. I felt loved…



I got up from the window and retrieved Anger from the dark room. I noticed the room emptier than it was the last time I visited it. I smiled and went over to the bed. I was smiling because my heart still felt God’s love. I smiled because I was nearly through. I smiled, but I didn’t understand all of the reasons why I was smiling.  I smiled because I was no longer angry. I just felt good. My insides felt warm. I wondered how I was going to deal with Anger without being angry. Of course the Lord chimed in. He said “With Love and Kindness have I drawn thee. With Love and Kindness you shall do the same.” 



Anger and I joined Fear on the bed. I wanted to be angry. I didn’t think I had enough strength to conquer both Fear and Anger, but I had to find some. I searched myself and realized that I could handle this task. When I realized that, I remembered a scripture that was given to me:  “God hath not given you the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind”. The power was equivalent to Strength. Love spoke for its self…but I’m still seeking it. Sound mind was Peace. At this very moment, I had Peace. It didn’t sit with me, but memories of it comforted me. Fear had decreased in size, but Anger was enormous.



I felt loved, but as I sat with Anger, the feeling slowly faded away. I wasn’t upset; I was beginning to feel hurt. Anger was filled with hurt. I reminisced on the things that angered me. My mother killing my father, people not believing the truth, family concealing the truth, designing a lie that should be in the fiction section of the library, rejection, and being afraid were major things that angered me. My breathing became a little irregular. I took deep breaths. I maintained my composure though. “I can get thru this”, I told myself. 

I leaned over and whispered in Anger’s ear. When I finished it disappeared. When I lifted Fear into my lap, it felt lighter. It looked at me in an inquisitive manner. I knew what it was thinking. We were still very connected. I looked it in its eyes and I repeated what I told Anger. “I have met this man that is teaching me to face my fears. He is teaching me that I had no control over some of the things that occurred in my life. I am taking responsibility for the things that I was able to control, but chose not to. I have learned to forgive myself for not taking care of Love. I have forgiven myself for discouraging myself and for hiding myself away for all of those years. As I learned to forgive myself, I learned to forgive others. I forgave Anger and all of the harm that it caused me. Now, I forgive you. Fear looked me in the eyes. It looked pitiful. It wasn’t apologetic for what it contributed into my life. It was sorry that it had to go. Just like Anger, it disappeared.





Chapter 7



I sat next to the window. I was thinking about several things and nothing at all, all at once. I watched the birds as they played a game of cat and mouse. They chased each other in the sky. I gazed at the bloomed bunches of flowers. I thought back over the last couple of days. I thought about how much work I had accomplished and the relief that it brought to me. I thought about the Lord. I thought about how He had touched my heart and how He encouraged me to go forward. I just sat and thought about many things, but really nothing in particular at all.



As I sat there, I felt the Lord’s presence. I didn’t have to turn around to know He was standing behind me. His presence was sweet, calm, and assuring. I knew I was safe when He was present. I held my head back and looked at Him. I smiled and said hi. He smiled back at me. “I have someone I would like you to meet”, the Lord said. My smiled slowly faded away. I wondered who He wanted me to meet. I trusted Him a little. He had not done anything negative to me. I didn’t think He would introduce me to anyone that would harm me. I turned around to face Him. There was a Light behind Him. The light looked more like a shadow. Instead of it color being gray, it was a glowing white. I couldn’t see the person’s face. The Lord said “This is my son Jesus. You have heard many stories of Him, but I want you to get to know Him personally. I trust Him. I trust Him with you and you with Him. My heart lies in Him. You lie in Him. He lies in me. We all reside as One. He has walked a journey that man can not walk. He has been in your place and experienced the things you have endured. He had endured greater. There were days during His journey that his heart was broken, but He had a purpose to fulfill. You do as well. He will be with you throughout your journey. Whenever you are in need, ask me in my Son’s name, and you will have it. He loves you more than you know. His heart is a heart after my own. he is compassionate, sensitive, forgiving, He will suffer for you, and He has suffered for you. You can not get to me without going through Him. You must get to know Him as you know me. You must trust Him as you trust Me.”  I looked into God’s eyes. I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was trust Him. Jesus walked in front of God and God faded away. Jesus stood there. I could not see His face, but I felt His smile. He said “Close your eyes.” I was hesitant to do so, but I had to learn to trust Him. He took my hand and he showed me the day He was crucified. He showed me satan standing at the foot of the cross encouraging the people of the time to defile Jesus’ name and His work. He showed me how badly satan wanted to taste his blood but could not. Jesus revealed to me His love. He showed me His pain throughout the years. I felt His love for a people that did not love Him back. He broke my heart when I saw how much people had faith in Him to do what they desired for Him to do, but they didn’t believe He was the messiah. He didn’t do it for fame; He did what He did because God instructed Him to. He didn’t go back to His throne when things got difficult, because He wanted us to have an opportunity to join Him. He wanted us to know that there was nothing He wouldn’t do for us…that’s how much He loved us. Then He took me to the cross. When He received the first strike, I felt it. I opened my eyes. He was still in my presence. I had a special appreciation for this man that I just met. Somehow or another, I knew I had to go on. I had to complete the assignment that God had instructed me to do. Jesus and I didn’t exchanged words, but my heart said “Thank you”. Jesus spoke and said “Many are called yet few are chosen. You were hand picked and you know it.  What you are seeking is within you. Reach inside and grab. No one can take away what belongs to you. Now smile.” I gave Him a partial smile. He basically told me that I had more work to do. It was difficult enough knowing I already had more work to do without His reminder. “I have more for you to do, but you must first complete your first task.” He began walking away from me. He walked into the dark room and left the door ajar. “Did He want me to follow Him?” I really didn’t want to, but there was a feeling in my tummy that told me to follow. I got up from the spot that I occupied next to the window. I pushed the door further open with hesitance.  There was no resistance. I stepped into the room. There was a noticeable difference. Fresh air circulated throughout the room. I surveyed the room and noticed there were only four members left. I gathered them and took them into the Light. I placed them on the bed, while I remained standing. I had removed every member from the room and I still had not found the one I was searching for…Love. I stood in the middle of the room looking at Comfort, Strength, Joy, and Peace. They sat glaring at me. I was debating if I really needed Love. I was trying to figure out, can I survive it without it. I decided that I needed it.  I searched each of the remaining members individually. What I sought, I couldn’t find. A wave of sadness flowed through me. I felt like I should’ve been celebrating.  A smile should’ve resided on my face, but it didn’t. Although, the work was complete and I should’ve been proud of myself, I wasn’t. I didn’t find what I was searching for. I felt like the work I had done was a waste of time. Yes, I did it because the Lord wanted me to do it; I also did it to benefit myself. Maybe I was wrong for wanting to get what I wanted out of the deal, but I wanted it. I didn’t feel like it was fair not to get it. I got up and reentered the room…



When I entered the room, I stood still for a while until my vision readjusted to the change. I scanned the room and remembered the days spent there and how I felt. I remembered how fearful I was of the Light. I reminisced on the day I entered into it. I smiled at the recollection of the Lord meeting me there with open arms. I remembered how grateful I felt that He caught me and broke my fall.



God, which was a stranger at the time, loved me so much. All I wanted to do was love Him back. I brought forth all of the members to the Light so I can find Love and return it back to Him. In the beginning, I wanted Love for myself, but now I wanted to share it with someone. I wanted to give love back to someone that cared about me; Love was nowhere to be found.  God deserved to be loved and I didn’t have it to give to Him. I stood in the center if the room. Tears slowly graced my face with their presence. The room was empty. There was no one there. Where had Love gone? I wanted to know. I wanted desperately to locate it.



As thoughts flowed through my mind, I saw a glimmer of Light form in one of the corners of the room. It began traveling towards me. As it approached me, its size increased. It grew tall and its shape was a shape of a human being. It stopped in front of me. This Light was familiar. I knew it now for sure. A smile fought its way through my tears. The first time, I experienced this Light I didn’t know Him, but now I do. My heart was warmed and I felt nice. The Light was my Father, God, but this was Jesus in my presence. They were one. So I got both of them at once. It felt nice. I wasn’t afraid of it. Jesus stopped directly in front of me. He stood for a while without doing anything. I stood and watched Him as He watched me. After a while, His light began to shine brighter. This time Jesus did not say a word. He placed, what appeared to be, His hand on my chest. He spoke to my heart. Tears began to stream down my face even faster than before. He revealed a secret to me that I should’ve already known. I closed my eyes and listened. My body began to tremble as I received a revelation. When Jesus finished He removed His hand from my chest. He didn’t walk away from me this time. His light shrank. Then it went inside of me; it entered into the left side of my chest cavity. There was nothing left in the room for me to do. It was time to leave. I looked around the room, once again. Before I left, I whispered, goodbye.



As I exited the room, I felt differently. There was no need to shut the door behind me. I left it open to remind myself of how far I had come. When I entered the Light filled room, there was a new addition to it. It was a mirror. I approached it and stood in front of it. I looked into it and concentrated on myself. There was something different about me. My skin was radiant. My smile was brighter. If I wasn’t mistaken, I was surrounded by a yellowish-gold light. I was glowing. The thing that stood out most to me was my eyes. There was a sparkle in them. I smiled and remembered the secret Jesus had revealed to me right before I exited the dark room: “You have done well my child. What you seek can not be found in this room. What you desire has always been with you. You were seeking Love in all of the wrong places. Love is within you.” I continued looking into the mirror. This time I wasn’t looking at myself. I was looking at the reflection of the dark room. Then I looked at my reflection. I reflected on where God had brought me from. I remembered how He kept me. He was God, but He was so much more to me. He was my Father. I closed my eyes and hoped He would hear me. I whispered softly “I Love You, Daddy.” God said “I love you, Sunshyne.” I turned away from the mirror and I noticed another door had been added to the lit room. I opened it and I began smiling even harder. I was with the warmth of the sun and the song of the birds. I giggled aloud. God said “Enjoy Daughter.” I looked back into the room towards the bed. Comfort, Strength, Joy, and Peace were no longer there. Instantly I knew that I could find them all the same place I found Love. They were within me. I stepped outside into a whole new world… As I exited the room, I remembered the question that God constantly asked me “How bad do you want it?” I laughed to myself and thought “I wanted this real bad”.







copyright by Tameka C. Strong #TX1-679-885