Saved by the Whisper

Saved by the Whisper

by Ma. Franchesca Y. Sallador


"...And as seconds of my life pass by, I get weaker and weaker. Struggling for air to breathe. Aching for one more heartbeat. A second without you is no different to an infinity in a dark room. No different to an eternity of being alone in the crowd. No different to a lifetime of being slowly dragged into a bed of razorblades.


Your face, I adore. Your voice, a sweet lullaby. Your scent, a calming fragrance. Your smile, a glimpse of heaven. Your love, an exemplar of perfection.


Uncanny as it is, I'm deeply in love with you. And this is how I fall for you. You knock me off my feet. I lose my sanity..."


"So he's a writer, huh?" my best friend Diana remarked as she read a tattered letter that she saw in my wallet.


"Yeah, well. He got a lot of that. But what he always told me is this: 'I just write my heart out. Then everything follows'."


"You know what? He seemed so into you, Jessica. I can see it in his choice of words. So, why did you break him up?" she asked, stirring the straw of her half-empty frappuccino.


"Well, uh... It's a very long story and uhm... it's uh... kinda awkward if I -- "


"Yeah, I get it," she interrupted. "You don't have to tell me if you don't feel like doing so."


"Whew. Thanks," I uttered as I let go of a deep breath.


There we chatted about everything as if we haven't seen each other for years. From my first - and last, perhaps - love, to her dazzling Italian suitor, to her new hairstyle, to the Gothic Lolita style of this new restaurant we've dined in. So many topics have passed by until we both realize that it's four to 11 in the evening.


After having an exchange of bye-byes, I strode toward my Mercedes Benz. Turning the ignition, there were lots of questions banging in my exhausted mind. Questions which have been haunting me for years. Questions which left me with days of turmoil where to elude is impossible.


As I feel the traffic lights glimmer in my porcelain white skin, deep set eyes, pointed nose, blushed cheeks, lips painted with red lipstick, my whole face as it is being framed by my brown, wavy hair, series of images of the past started flashing in my head.


I've been standing in this garden-like place for hours. I've wasted the precious five three hours of my life waiting for him. Yet even the shadow of Adam hasn't appeared yet. It is so annoying to wait. For waiting is the last thing I would do in my entire life.


I ran out of patience. As I was about to walk away from that place, someone pulled my hand, seized my petite body in his strong arms and cuddled me in his warm chest.


"Sorry I'm late, baby... " he whispered.


"Holy crap! You know I hate it when someone makes me wait for eternity." I'm almost about to cry when he cupped my face with his big, soft hands.


I wasn't able to avoid his gaze. Especially with his smooth, marble-like face, softly-tousled black hair, proud, perfectly-carved nose, pink, gently-arched lips, and calm, chocolate brown eyes which bore deeply into mine. It was like I am being strongly captivated by his charming physique. And there is no way I can resist Adam. MY Adam...


"Alright," I surrendered.


He exposed his breath-taking smile after a sigh of relief. Then wrapped his arm around my waste, motioned me towards a bench, and , as usual, we chattered about everything.


Somnolence began creeping up my senses. And I don't have any idea where I am heading to. I don't feel like going home. I don't feel like hanging out with friends either. All I want right now is to be alone. To feel serene even just for a while.


I just kept on driving until my mind turned out of control again. Why did I break up with him, anyway? All I know is that I have to study in a fashion school in Paris, for fashion really is my passion. So when I got the opportunity, I had to travel the other side of the globe just to reach my goal: to be a well-known fashion designer.


So this obviously meant a long-distance relationship for me and Adam. He kept on saying that he'll be fine as long as I assure him that I'll come back. Even though it is undeniable that that there is a hint of unparalleled worry and agony in his face, still he managed to smile and support me through my ambition.


"But it means being away from you, Adam! And I'll have to spend four years of my life without you. Does that sound great?" I shrieked as he persuaded me to go on and pursue my scholarship grant in Paris.


"Yes, Jessica. That would be very great. Look, you are so fortunate to have this kind of opportunity and --"


"But I love you!" I interrupted.


"Listen," he sighed as he put a lock of my hair behind my left ear. "In love, you have to expect some absence at some point, but that doesn't mean an end. All you have to do is to wait for the time and give the person a space. Because true love is proved when a person has seen the best people in the world, but still turns back to where you are, reaches for your hand and chooses you above the world's best. You understand, baby?"


Yeah, I understood. And I actually held on to those words for the first few months of our long-distance relationship. But as I was able to ameliorate for years of being away, my love for him seemed to diminish.


At first it was doing good. He made sure he was able to call me at least once a day. He sent me private messages in my Facebook account almost every three hours. He exerted an undeniable effort to keep in touch. He see to it that he was able to keep me updated with how his studies in medical school went on as well as of how he was able to cope up with this unfathomable fate of ours. And we survived two years of that kind of routine.


Until I went back home unannounced. Everybody was astonished to know that I'll be spending Christmas in Manila, especially Adam.


I grew tired of driving. And there I got a sight of the garden-like place. A place which stayed the same as how it looked like ten years ago. Inevitably, a sense of nostalgia went through me again.


I sat on the bench. The bench where we exchanged vows that we'll never let go of each other. The bench where I promised him that I'll be back in his arms no matter what.


"It's good that you're back, baby. It's nice that you'll be spending this Christmas with me," he whispered in my ear as I sat in his lap like a little child. Only a couple of years have passed, but he looked 10 years older than his actual age. His attempt of pretending that he's okay wasn't successful. For I can see it in his melancholic eyes how hard it was for him to spend every waking hour of his life missing me badly.


"Yeah, it's nice to see you again, Adam."


"Oh, really?" he asked in a suspicious manner.


"Of course. Why?"


"I doubt. You are no good at lying, Jess. And it seems like you're going to cry. Is there something wrong, baby?"


All I was able to do was to release series of deep breaths. Then I was so surprised when I felt hot tears flooding my face. I don't know if I would ever have the muster to tell him.


"Why? What's wrong, Jessica?"


"Adam, I - I'm sorry... I can't do this any longer," I whispered in between sobs.


"What do you mean?" he asked, though I am so sure that he got what I am trying to say. "Don't keep me in the dark, Jessica. Tell it straight to the point, please."


"I... I need a break."


Reminiscing that scene gave me a feeling of unexplainable guilt. But I can't do anything now. My apology is not enough. The damage has been done. I've hurt him. With no reason at all, I've broken the heart of the only person who was able to love me more than his own life. I've broken the heart of the only person who has done anything, been anything, just to make me happy. I've broken the heart of the only person who never demanded anything from me. I've broken the heart of the person who managed to accept my strengths and loved my weaknesses. I've broken the heart of the only person who loved me unconditionally.


"B - But why? Did I do something wrong? Come on, lemme know so I can make it right."


"No. Look, it's not you, Adam. It's me. Oh crap, that's been overused, you know? Haha!" I tried hard to make a joke for I really don't know how to keep him cool. But I guess I failed to do so. "Well, uh... Honestly, I feel like this isn't gonna work. And I want to focus on my studies and on my future career. I really am sorry," I almost choked in every word.



I've witnessed how tears ran down his angelic face. I've seen a picture of despair... of hopelessness... of dejection... and I don't know what to do to ease his pain.


"It's okay, Jessica. And thanks for being honest, not only with yourself but with me as well. But listen, letting you go for now doesn't mean that I'll no longer wait for you to come back to me. I know this is foolish - even illogical and unrealistic - but I know deep inside of me that we can never be parted."


"But, Adam. It's not fair for you and --"


"I'll wait, Jess. Still, I'll wait. And if waiting means forever, then I guess I'll just wait for the rest of my life..."


This is outlandish. I should not be thinking of him now. I should not be wasting my time moping around because of that silly decision. I stood up and paced away from that bench. I walked hurriedly toward my car as if I'm having a race with the tear that was about to drop. As I started the ignition, I began driving away from that place.


It is way too wrong to be stuck with my past. I've got more in life ahead of me. I'm only 27 - not too young to be more successful but not too old to be an old maid - and I'm just enjoying the fruit of my perseverance. I have reached the pinnacle of success. Bought myself and my family houses and cars. I am able to get everything that I want. Anything that I pleased. But there is something my money can't buy. Something that is priceless. And that is: the utmost desire to turn back time to correct all the mistakes I've committed.


I was so preoccupied by my thoughts that I wasn't able to realize that I was driving way too fast. Then I was brought back in the real world by the loud blowing of horn behind me. Then the next thing that happened was a nightmare. I heard the deafening crash and felt a terrific jolt. Glasses and steels flew everywhere. My whole body seemed to be turning inside out. I heard myself scream.


Suddenly, I awakened. I can hear the irritating sound of the heart monitor device. I saw doctors and nurses. One. Two. Three. Four. I was surrounded by lots of people which have their faces covered with green cloths. They were all shouting for "this" and "that"... assistants were arguing... nurses getting upset... It seemed like nobody knows what to do with me. Then I saw I horrifying sight: my body was mangled. I was saturated with blood. Pieces of jagged glass were sticking out all over. Strange that I couldn’t feel anything.


Then all of a sudden, I was in a different place. Here, I started to feel the fear leisurely conquering my whole persona, awkwardly making me weak.


"Light! I need to find light!"


It was like a movie having its slow motion - moving myself with springing steps, it felt like I'm looking for something impossible to find. Though seemingly hopeless, I continued searching for whatever that is I am longing. Weary and exhausted, I broke down. I don't even know if I should still hold on and outplay this game, this battle, or whatsoever this is. Then I came up into a justifiable decision which took me almost a lifetime to make - whatever happens, I'll end this up.


Then I was in a different place again. This time, I saw myself lying on a bed full of sharp, risky thorns. From there, I can see up above what I am longing for - LIGHT - and those streaking rays of light boosted the lost hope in me. I hurriedly escaped from the thorns that made my wounds bathe with blood. But I don't actually care about my wounds. I just badly needed light...


When I triumphantly reached the top of that hill-like place, it suddenly felt so fresh, so light... This must be heaven! I was so delighted by the presence of that paradise as the contrasting colors of the full-bloomed flowers brought me the satisfaction and calmness I was longing for.


The portions of the wind stirred its effect upon the trees, making the leaves whirl in a lazy motion. All of those made me years younger. And as I gazed on the impressive scenario, all the terribly bad things that happened were forgotten. I was even able to forgive myself for all the wrongs I've done. Everything just seemed serene and tranquil.


I've always longed for this... no uncertainty, no trouble, no guilt, no doubt... I just want to live here forever.


"But what am I doing here? Have I died already?"


Then my subconscious mind was awakened by a very familiar voice that hovered my whole entity. A voice that I always loved for years. A voice that once gave me a feeling of unparalleled affection and acceptance. A whisper that I have missed for ten years...


"Baby, stay strong. I am here, as I always did. Wake up, Jess. Do you here me? Come on, please hold on..."


I knew that whisper. I am very sure of that. Then I suddenly got aware and all the blur became really clear.


From the risky thorned bed, to that bloody, awful scene, to this heavenly paradise... I am not in my wanted world. This is outlandish. All I wanted was to be with the person who uttered that whisper. I badly want to be with him for the rest of my life. And I won't be able to do it when I am staying carefree here.


Then extensive flashbacks started...


I was on my way home from work when my best friend and colleague, Diana, invited me in a newly-opened restaurant. Then as we were driving toward the restaurant, she got my wallet from my bag and she browsed for anything that may seem interesting. There she found a tattered letter of my first love, Adam, and when we got into the restaurant, she read the letter aloud and then she asked me why did I break him up. Then it got late, I drove out of nowhere thinking of him... then there was the loud blowing of horn behind my car!


Now, everything's clear. Gradually, I opened my eyes. From a blur, the images of the nurses and their assistants started to appear clearly... wearing wide smiles on their faces, there are droplets of sweat as if they've conquered an impossible mission. Then behind all of them, I saw a man, a man I perfectly knew I adored. In an instant, I felt the highest degree of unexplainable bliss upon seeing the nameplate where the name of the person I always longed for was engraved: ADAM G. SULLIVAN, M. D.


"It's good that you're back, baby..." he whispered.


~fin~