Spin the Bottle/Truth or Dare

The bottle slows, then stops. It was pointing at my right knee. Michael asked:

'Truth or dare?'

'Truth', I answered whilst racking my brain trying to filter out something not too offensive, but interesting enough to please the circle of grinning faces now interrogating me with baited breath.

'I once put an entire courgette up my arse and lost it. I had to shit it out standing up in case it broke and I had to go to hospital.'

Mouths swung open. Lower eyelids slid upwards. I had completely silenced the room and for a moment I thought I may be ejected from the building. Suddenly, one after another they all broke out in a serious case of hysterical laughter. I was relieved, and had raised the bar for the rest of them, if they weren't too shy that is. I nervously laughed along, assuring Tina that it was in fact a true statement.
'Yes, all the way in' - 'No, it wasn't sore I used lube'.
She was pissing herself laughing but she would now probably never think of sleeping with me, along with the entire female population of the room.
I span the bottle to a chorus of 'afterbirth' giggles. People were wiping their eyes dry.
The fucking thing stopped at my right knee again.

'Erm... Spin again?'
'No, no - we've got to hear more!' Roddy announced.
My brain fizzed. My memory rolodex was going at a thousand cards per nanosecond. I straightened my back - all eyes were on me.

'Well, I took a shit on a dead rabbit a couple of years ago, for fun. Kept that one to myself until now.'

The jarred choir of breathy gut-guffaws swelled up again. They were creasing themselves. Again, I was assuring them it was indeed actual factual stuff and that I did it 'because I could'.
Different types of laugh were coming out of different types of person from all different directions in the now rather animated circle. Timid Claire had a hand to her mouth and was hunching over, twitching quietly with an ear-to-ear grin - almost laughing secretly to herself. Michael was pouring tears and now laid out on his back sounding out a deep, slow guffaw towards the ceiling. Frida had a large set of teeth on display and was slightly convulsing whilst flicking her hair back with her left hand, clutching a bottle of cider with the other - laughing in a strong, feminine manner. The rest were in various states of recuperation.
They all gradually composed themselves, then I span the bottle. It landed to the person two along to my left. Timid Claire. I took a large swig of warm beer and placed it in front of me. I looked over to Claire who was looking right back at me. Everybody was quietly studying me. I looked down to find the bottle pointed cheekily at my left knee, then looked up to see them all feigning innocence. Michael was looking up at the ceiling as if to say 'It wasn't me - honest!'.

'Looks like it's your turn then! Truth or Dare?' Samantha giggled.

'Truth'. I smiled to myself. I had become a comedian in the space of two degrading self-factoids. 'I could do this on stage', I thought.

'....Well?' Samantha was spokesperson for the impatient mob. Again, their laser-sights were bobbling around my person. Stray flecks of mirthful sound pinged around the room. I was feeling confident now.

'Well, I once came on a dogs face.'

The dam burst, pouring gleeful noise all through the room - some were drowning.

'How the fuck does anyone manage that?' James piped up. Little did he know I had a step-by-step explanation up my sleeve, all true as are the colours of the rainbow. Or something. Through the rolling and howling, people pricked their ears up and listened through uncontainable spasms of joy.

'Well I was sitting on the bed in my aunties house having a chug when the door opens. It was her dog, Barry. I let him come in, closed the door behind him and carried on. He just sat there looking at me, so I poked my dick around near his face and he started licking it - It was fucking amazing! I thought he might bite it off but he didn't, so I just went with it. It must have been salty or something. Anyway, after about half a minute I blew my load. In his face.'

The uproar began again - faces crinkled and turned red, hands raised to foreheads and covered eyes. Michael was practically writhing in a pool of his own tears.

'The worst part though was trying to clean the fucker up. He was licking it off his face, but there was still some on his head. It was obviously jizz. I had to keep him in the room and get tissues, avoiding my auntie - but the fucker managed to squeeze past me when I was coming back into the bedroom and ran off downstairs. I was fucking mortified. I was chasing him around the house with a tissue. My auntie caught me, so I told her I sneezed on his head - and she believed me! It was quality.

They all looked like they were going to die. Almost like the bit in Total Recall when Arnie and his lady get flung out into the dusty wastelands of Mars. Eyes were bulging all round. Neighbours upstairs knocked three times, furiously, but no-one seemed to care. I was a comedy legend! A depraved loner. But a funny one.

Roddy holds back the cheerful flow enough to ask -'How old were you when this happened..?'

'Eleven.'

I didn't think it was possible, but the room got louder. The game was pretty much over, I had won. I was a show-stopper. All thanks to my darkest, most awkward moments. I had more, too. Save them for a rainy day.

Everyone eventually calmed down, dried their faces and started drinking again. Michael was sprawled out, exhausted. Samantha poured vodka for Tina and Frida, then topped it with pineapple juice. A strange mix. Roddy was congratulating me as timid Claire looked on. The others were good-spirited, chatting and reminiscing on what had just happened.
Within five minutes the bottle was ditched and music was playing - Jefferson Airplane. People got up and danced, spilled drinks, laughed, kissed, smoked and swung their hair around.

For a few moments I sat with myself. I smiled out loud, then joined in.


Magnus McFarlane. 2010--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------