Grief

Stage 1



Totally alone. So I wake up and she's gone. Where? I don't know and to be honest, I really don't care. I mean, there was no reason for her to leave! I was good to her, wasn't I? At this moment, I begin to remember all my life with her, that's right.



I walk through these corridors, the ones up there, go past the normal thoughts, sex, food and games. That stuff's not important anymore. I keep walking. The walls begin to look older, I'm in the past. The stucco is peeling, I'm so sad she's now here; not in with the new. That's where she belongs. The past is a cruel place for a beauty like hers.



It's all wrong, I don't care what she says, I leave the house in hope, and go to see her.



Stage 2



Still alone and now the pains unbearable. So I go to her house, the curtains are closed. Inside her family are confined like me in my now unescorted life. It's now I realise. I realise and it hurts. The walls are built up around me, the stucco peeling ever more. I hope it drowns me, ends it now- she was taken and my life went along for the ride.



But I don't drown, behind the disintegration of decorations is a solid barrier, one I couldn't escape if I tried. As the pain circulates with each new breath I find myself scratching at the wall.



“Let her in! Let her in!”



Then I see it. A window opens up behind me. I can get outside! Enter the world again! See her! But no. I look out and I see the heart of a planet feeding life to every vessel, I see mountains and oceans and even the smallest grain of sand in the greatest desert. However, even in seeing everything, she is not there, confined or free I will never see her face again.



Stage 3



Alone and angry. Above the planets beating heart I see its creator.



“Why! What foul minded ambitions forced your hand to take her?” Looking for help I begin to plead, shout, threaten. But silently, he turns his back away and the world becomes a colder place.



So betrayed to freeze I descend to the heat. Oh, if only Faustus' cruel arts befall me now, “Vini vini Mephistopheles!” and like Helen of Troy did to him, my love can be shown to me. Two and four years with her at least? No! One and two? Oh, it seems too mundane my life for devils sins. Perpetual darkness can't win me back her life, a human grief this tainted thing.



Stage 4



Alone in contemplation. I stay in the walls, a rich blue world of my emotions poverty. I look out the window to see rain through my tears. Here I stay, if I wait I can figure it all out.



She's gone. My minds eye tells me so but my hearts reach will still feel. So I must wait it out. Wade despair. My life now is the river Styx, Charon and his hateful task leads me to hell and the days ahead without her.



As the boat moves the tide rises through tears, carrying me on through this period.



Stage 5



The boat lands, alone, I leave the ferryman. Charon waves me ahead. I look around. It's the world I knew...Just lacking. I carry on with my days and the tears are carried above into clouds, my woes far lighter.



Stage 6



Alone, yet adapting. I find some pictures of us. The dusty crevasse of the past remains, so now I merely change this to something new. I place her a thousand times across my wall, constructing my life before her angelic fall. This is nice, I feel better, stars have come out and the wind now blows. No longer am I a painted ship upon a painted sea, alack the Albatross that fiend, it falls from my neck. I'm free.



Stage 7



Living ever more alone. Two and four years have gone by. My wish isn't granted and she isn't here. But I have settled. I walk over to the window and still see the heart that beats. But I have settled.  Unlike Faustus that bitter fool, serpents shall not strike me down. No, I'm not that lucky. I must deal with my despair, no suffering is cut short.



So I meet someone else, she's nice- but it isn't the same. She treats me well and I do too in return. I wed her last September. It was the wedding I always dreamt of, slight change of participants, that's all. So I just wait four months now and ill have a new joy in my life. I always wish I could have shared this with her though.



This is what I do.  I survive. I look out my window and see two birds sat in a tree. Then, only briefly, I allow the clouds to rain at how that once was me.