Thick With Nothing: A Lost Paradise

All of a sudden I found myself standing amidst the white shiny walls. They were rubber. There were no windows and the air was thick with nothing. I looked down and saw paper slippers on my feet. The gown was a peculiar shade of sea foam green with tiny white polka dots. It tied in the back with a long clumsy string that drooped to the floor. I heard muffled voices somewhere, somewhere out there. I didn’t open my mouth or make any noise. I just stood there in the corner. They might hear me.

Then I saw it:  a faded yellow door handle, almost transparent. It was the center of heaven and the virtual rays of sunshine splashed against my face. But then I couldn’t see it anymore. The demon in the door handle was breathing its indecency down my back and I could feel it trickle down my spine. I could feel it. I couldn’t stand it. I had to scream!

It was simmering, simmering inside my body. Then I broke loose with all the might, courage, and anger I could muster and I screamed. I screamed as long as my heaving lungs would allow. Then a rectangular block of white cut out of the wall and began to open towards me. A man in an off white overcoat came through the disappearing door. He had on small eyeglasses that creepily magnified his already bulging eyeballs. There was something in his fidgety hand. It was a tube of some sort, filled with a clear liquid. There was a needle protruding from it. I kept screaming because I knew what would happen next. It had happened the night bef—

I woke up in a different room. My ears were ringing. I did not move. There were bulky brown straps preventing any movement. My eyes pivoted as I examined this new place. It was also white, but much smaller, more confined. I could not find the demon this time. I closed my eyes. I wondered how I got here; I wondered if I would be condemned to these white walls forever; I wondered what would happen next. The air was thick with nothing and it was suffocating me. I shut my eyes just for a moment. I dozed off…

I had a dream I was somewhere warm. I was in a place where you could look into the clear ocean and see twenty-five different types of tropical fish. The sun beat down on my bare skin. There were trees everywhere, tall and lusciously green. I could hear white cockatoos exchanging high pitch banter. Large spiders spun their webs systematically just waiting for their next meal to arrive. I was in paradise. I sauntered along the hot sandy beach, letting each wave gently crash against my ankles. Adjusting my sunglasses, I looked up at the cloudless blue sky. Then everything went dark. I couldn’t see. I screamed.

The man in the white overcoat was holding me down. I didn’t know why because I was already strapped in securely. I stopped screaming; he let go. At least I could pretend. I pictured the bright blue of the ocean that faded into the sky. I smiled. I stayed silent this time. I was learning. The man scrutinized me and shook his head. I laughed…well, in my head I did. He gave me three pills: one blue, one yellow, and one purple. I don’t know what they were for, but I obeyed. He squinted at me until he was certain I swallowed them. He left after furiously scribbling something on his holy clipboard.

It was getting harder to breathe. I wondered how I got here; I wondered if I would be condemned to these white walls forever; I wondered what would happen next. I didn’t close my eyes again. I wasn’t sure if it was night or day; it was always white. I didn’t want to sleep ever again. I wanted to go home, but I didn’t remember where I came from. I just wanted to be happy again. I wanted to be sane again, but I didn’t know why I was ever deemed insane. I wanted to leave this place, but I had nowhere to go. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t know why. My mind was blank. I wanted to go back to my paradise in my dream. That was my sanctity, my sanity. I would build a house on the shore under the smiling sun; I’d make friends with the fish and turtles and crocodiles and birds; I would sing with them in harmony. Harmony. I would live in harmony, in peace. I would be able to see more than these white, white walls. I’d see a thousand shades of blue. Then I remembered the sea foam green gown I was being forced to wear, speckled with those tiny white polka dots, each one more reason to wish myself away to paradise.

I wondered how I got here; I wondered if I would be condemned to these white walls forever; I wondered what would happen next.

I never stopped wondering.