Satori

“Satori”
By Mark Hospes


“Unless we agree to suffer we
cannot be free from suffering”
-D.T. Suzuki


The vomit gurgles in my throat
I cough; it spews from the mouth,
Flowing down my face, wetting my shirt
A distant, pleading voice yells my name
I don’t care, I’m in the Darkness
In the Dark, there is peace
The bile flame exstinguished,
Depression lifts, Anxiety fades
An armistice in my head ends the Battle
Now, I’m being pulled;
Erect, something attempts lighten my Dark Paradise
No! I want to stay!
The Dark is kind!
Now, I’m falling, Their attempt failing,
I feel a collision of my head into the immovable
Pain explodes, but I don’t care
I’m here in the Protection of the Dark
I’m slumping, my being goes limp
Far away, another desperate plea to come back,
Come back to the Light
But, there will be no return,
Darkness had faded to Black






II

“My God, my God, why hast thou
forsaken me?”
-Matthew 27:46

Groggy, I struggle to open my eyes
My arm doesn’t want to respond!
An obstruction ceasing my bodily command!
Emerging from the Dark,
My brain reboots to function
Towing me back to the Light
Vision too blurry, reality out of focus
Instinct draws attention to the restriction
The obstruction, a clear tube, strapping me in
The voice, returning, hailing me back
Blinking, I witness the suffering eyes of My Wife
Knowing I am not Home, but a strange, cold place
Tied to a bed, refrained from movement
Why?
I long for my Darkness, so serene,
The War had ceased!
Awareness ends the cease-fire!
The battle cry begins to rise, the enemies prepare,
For Battle!
Voices of distortion on the assault,
Voices of me!
Fear overrides and my eyes return
To My Darkness








III

“Nothing can bring you peace,
but yourself.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

I’m floating in a dream of memory,
Home, paint, laughter, ornaments,
Children, my Children?
They are all here,
Becky, Bailey, Jacob, Dylan, Aaron
More laughing, paint and Christmas music
Putting a beer to my lips, relishing the goodness
I yearn to laugh at their sides!
Laughter is an impossibility, during The War,
Raging, always, in my head, a brawl for power
It consumes the day, a brawl for sanity
Distorted thoughts my nemesis;
Plaguing, Stalking, Swirling, Attacking!
They demolish the Good, this vicious rebellion!
Please! Not Tonight!
Let peace ensue; assume the Crown for a night!
I wish to laugh, be a part of the revelry!
My Thoughts are slipping!
Distortions! Depression! Anxiety! Worthlessness!
No! Please! I beg you, not Tonight!
Sipping more brew, I swallow some pills,
Drugs and booze my allies against Them
A sickness begins to rise, I must seek shelter
Allow my Allies to join the battle, so I may return
To my family, my Children, my Soul!
Lying in bed, comfort, slowly relaxing
Enter, my Darkness, come,
I feel the peace, tranquil, placid
The war abruptly halts,
The vomit gurgles in my throat



IV

“….at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice of salvation
The black moment is the moment when the real message
of transformation is going to come. At the
darkest moment comes the light.”
-Joseph Campbell


Thrust back into the Light
Hearing voices, but understanding failing
Sweet timber of my Wife, speaking, an Unknown replies
Conversing of me? Why? How?
My eyelids release The Dark and open The Light
Confusion returning, chains still present
I look, they look; Bloodshot eyes of my Wife
The other, a stranger; Warden? Doctor? Devil?
Addressing me in a slurring, foreign tongue
Blankly, I stare back, mumble useless words
Like emerging from the dense fog of a nightmare
Comprehension conquers the confusion
The pills! The drink! My Allies!
I’ve been betrayed!
The cure evolves to a Scourge!
My Allies nearly extinguished my Breadth!











V

“There is no coming to consciousness
without pain.”
-Carl Jung


Sitting in the tub
Warm water spews from the spout,
I gape at it with wonder
Sounds of the falling liquid comforts me,
If I continue to stare, the War recedes
Feeling of Sanctuary wrapping me in a blanket
Smiling, if only such a place!
Wait!
A spark in my abdomen surges to my brain,
So intense, I lower my head, close my eyes
Comforting water flows around me,
Assisting the travelling Notion of Intuition
A Sanctuary!
A crusade is raging and I must enlist to fight!
If Distortions be the Arch-enemy,
Can Knowledge be my Ally?
Pit Mental Anguish versus Mental Wisdom!
Draft Sages to a New Beginning
Information! Knowledge! Hope!
Battle my Demons on their turf
Find Guidance and Truth,
Refine it to Wisdom!








VI

“Knowing others is wisdom, knowing
yourself is Enlightenment.”
-Lao Tzu


Done, am I, bending to Their Will
I thought Them right, but was misled
They continue to Assault my mind,
Attempt to invade my Peace,
Destroy my goodness
Years upon years My Quest has been
Relieved only in Drugs and Alcohol as Allies
Like band-aids on an axe wound,
Now, I refuse to remain a bystander, A Victim
For in a tub, dreaming with the water
The origin and escalation of a Mental War unfolded,
Re-aligning myself with the most powerful Allies in time
Lessons, history, research in my own present,
Words and Thoughts of The Sages
The Reconstruction of a Broken Spirit,
Breathing Hope and Life into my Soul
We can end The War,
Achieving a Freedom I never knew
Inner peace, Inner Light
My Thoughts are My Own!
My Sanity is Mine!
I choose Love!
I choose Life!