Do You Remember

"Brian..." I whispered, as we lay next to each other in the creaky hammock, "...do you think you could ever love me again?"  I looked up into his eyes earnestly, hoping his answer wouldn't break my heart.
He was silent.  My heart sank.  Not even 11 months of exciting moments and "I love yous" and scattered memories could have an effect on his hardened heart.
"Brian?" I asked once again, a small tear escaping my eye.
"Well...I think...that ship has already sailed..." he whispered quietly back. 
I looked away, turning my head back.
I couldn't understand this.  Us.  We were laying in a hammock under the starry Michigan sky in late June.  How could he never be able to love me again, as he was holding me at that very moment in his arms?

I felt something wet drip down my neck.  He was crying.  Just as I was. 

At that point I knew we would never be together again.


Do you remember that summer?  That last summer of love and happiness?  Haven't had one like it since...
Since you and me. 
Do you remember all the times we used to sneak off into your basement and you would kiss my lips and tell me how much you loved me?  Or our late night phone conversations when you'd tell me I was beautiful?  And that my eyes sparkled and shined so greatly, even though they were a mere shade of brown?  Those were the moments that I hold close to my heart.

Remember when you stole my heart?

You stole it good.

You never gave it back. 


If you could find it, it would be buried under boxes and boxes, filled with dust and junk.  You'd have to blow the dust off the box with your sweet breath first, and then open the flaps gently.  You might not even be able to see it in there, it is so weak now.  It refuses to leave the safety of its box.  The box, in your possession.  You hold it in your hands.  Even if you tried to give it back to me, it would run away from me and find you.  No matter what I do, I'll still love you.  Through the unbearable pain of being apart.  The unbearable pain of this invisible barrier we've both put between us.  And the unbearable pain of knowing that I will never be able to break it.   

Do you ever think about the distance?

And how strange it feels...

to be so close once...and now feeling like we're worlds apart...


You used to hold me.  Tight, in your arms.  You said you'd never let me go.  You never wanted to.  I didn't ever want you to.  We were hiding.  In our own little world.  Nobody could touch us.  Nothing could tear us down.  We were invincible.  We were on top of the world together.  But somehow, now I am falling, crashing toward the ground.  And I can see your face up there, still bright as the sun.  Still happy as a clam.  Nothing could ever tear you down.  Nothing did.  I tore myself down.  Ripped my soul to shreds.  Watched as you enjoyed your life and I sulked and cried and wailed.  You laughed.  You smiled.  You were beautiful.  You deserved it.  And I...I was lost.  I was hiding in the darkness.  Tears flowing into an everlasting river of shame and sorrow and pain.  I let the pain and the darkness swallow me.  My beautiful heart, once content, was shriveled...almost dead...but few tiny beats remain...they whisper quietly, "I still love you..."

Remember that night last summer?

The first time I saw you since...

I broke your heart...

Remember when I told you I didn't have feelings for you anymore?

Remember when I told you that I didn't want to get back together?

I lied.

I thought I was telling the truth.  I thought I had gotten over this. I thought the toughest part was over.  It was, but I never realized that there was a second chapter.  I never thought I'd still be in love with you after all this time.  I just pushed it back, back into that farthest little space in my mind...and I tried not to think about it. 

Right after you got called to the fire station, and you hastily, but still caringly, hugged me...I whispered at your back... "I love you..."
It just came out.  I never expected it to.

I love you, Brian. 

I still love you.

Always have.