Wake Up Call

Wake Up Call                                                                                    Juneteenth 2010



Wow, new realization. I just had a real life wake up call. Damn you brain,  where has this wake up call been. I've needed it for so long that now that I've had it I don't know what to do. You've never done this before, brain. Never been so real with me. Never showed me the error of my ways like you're doing now. Never laid it to me straight. But I guess you're getting tired. Tired of the aches. Tired of the pains. Tired of the tears that leave my eyes every night. And all throughout the day. Tired of suffering. Especially because the hurt and the pain and the aches and the suffering are self-imposed. They could all be prevented and I might never hurt again? Well maybe not this much? And you're just now showing me this? Damn you brain, where has this wake up call been.



4 times. 4 times I've known. 4 times I've found out. 4 times he's had to confess. 4 times I've had my heart broken by him. Well a lot more than 4 times but 4 times its been because of his indiscretions. Well I'm sure he's had a lot more but I've only caught him 4 times.

1. The white girl Shannon, sleeping with me and her and whoever else was stupid enough to open her legs for him. I'm not excluded from that stupid girl list.

2. The whore, I can't even remember her name but I know that he was sleeping with her while I was pregnant with my son and gave me chlamydia.

3. He was living off of me and my son when we were in college. Well, I was in college, he just liked living in a party town. He said he wanted to live closer to me but well, now I know what the real deal was. He was meeting new girls. One day he had left his facebook account open and I saw that he was meeting other girls.

4. The most recent one, he got pregnant. She's 7 months right now, I think. I just can't seem to get over this one. The baby is due Sept 4 I believe. Oh what to do?



Im just so tired of crying. That is all I can seem to do. I let him move in with me a few weeks ago because I thought that would stop the hurt because at least I'd know where he is at all times. But should I have to live my life like that? In a constant state of worry? I'm always thinking he's looking at someone else or just looking for another girl to be with that is better than me.

Prettier than me, taller than me, skinnier than me, funner than me, less annoying than me, less baggage than me, less responsibility than me.

The new girl is all of the above except pretty and skinny he has not. She is fun. I am a single mother that has a full time job with a salary and a house note to pay, so fun is not exactly one of my descriptors. She is fun. She likes to fuck all the time and she likes to smoke weed. She was even smoking with him while she was pregnant. She is not so complicated. She knows who she is.



I have no clue who I am. I have been in love with this guy since I was 18 and my whole life has revolved around him. Everything he has wanted, I have given. If he says jump I say how high. If he says sink, I go out into the middle of the lake and just let myself fall. If he says.....well you get the picture. In August he told me to move 4 hours away from my family to be closer to him. I did it! Wow, yeah I'm that dumb! A month later he kicked my son and I out into the street into a place where I didn't know a soul but was now in a 1 year contract with a job. Yeah and 2 months later I was back with him.



Yeah, okay so I don't know what it is about him. He is cute. Hes always been cute. Hes always been so tall and so manly and I could stare at those muscles in his back for hours. He just seems so strong, like a protector, like when I am with him the world cannot touch me and no one can do me any harm, except for him of course. I'm like an open wound that he keeps pouring alcohol on it. Except that alcohol cleans out a wound and all he seems to do is clean it out so he can infect me with a virus so that it just makes it worse. When am I going to cut off that part of me that he has infected with his virus of pain and make it all go away. I mean, I'd rather get rid of the foot that is diseased and covered in incurable sores that make it incapable for me to walk instead of keep it as a constant reminder that I used to be able to things. I used to be happy. I mean I could always get another foot right? A prosthetic?



He is not my kind of guy at all though. He is a pot head. Wait hold up let me back it up.

He is 27 years old and he lives with his mother.

He smokes pot.

He loves free alcohol.

Wait he loves free anything because he rarely has a job. Like 2 months out of the year, maybe...in a good year.

He treats me like crap.



He makes me laugh. He used to make me feel loved. I'd never felt love until I met him. I'd never felt pain until I met him. Even trade-off. Why? Why could'nt I meet the guy that loved me and didn't want to hurt me all the time? Why coudln't I meet the guy that just wanted to love me and show me the world. Why couldn't I meet the guy that could break my heart and I would let go of him. Why did I have to meet the guy that I love so dearly he could do no permanent wrong in my eye. The guy that I'm always able to forgive. The guy whose indiscretions I can just forget. The guy who loves me. The guy who loved me.



Hes definitely not the guy who loves me anymore. I know it sounds crazy but for all these years no matter what he has done to me or how he has made me feel he has always made me feel loved. I've always felt the beat of his heart burning for me. He may have slipped and fallen into temptation sometimes but he loved me with every beat of his heart, with every breath that he took. He wanted to be with me and only me. He wanted to make me happy at all times and make me feel like I was the only girl in the whole wide world for him. He wanted me. He wanted me. He wanted me because he loved me. He made me feel beautiful, He made me feel complete. He made me....he made me....feel loved. There is no other way to put it, he used to love me.



I look at him now and I have no clue who he is. I keep trying to forget trying to forgive, trying to be happy, try to remember the guy who loved me. But that isn't him. He's not the same guy anymore. Hes somebody new. This new guy doesn't give a damn about me. If I'm in the air, he'd let me fall. If I'm treading water, he'd watch me drown. He doesn't love me. This new guy says that he loves me. He tells me he wants to be with me. But he's short with me. He's rude to me. He's always been a little abrupt with me but not like this. Its like he can't tolerate me. He can't tolerate this stupid, desperate little girl that I've become. The girl that will take him back no matter what.



I'm the girl he can't respect. How could he? How could I even expect him to? I don't respect myself obviously. How can a guy have just stopped sleeping with the girl he got pregnant less than a month before I move him into my home? Its all so confusing. It's all happening so fast. Its all so wrong. Less that a year ago he was telling me he wanted to be with me forever but there is no doubt in my mind that he was telling his baby mama that 2 months ago. They used to talk on the phone and fuck everyday and now he claims that hes changed and that he has no desire for her. How can he disregard her so easily, because I came back into his life. How could I?

How dare I? Why did I ruin their lives? And now, I and the other chick are both miserable. I because I let this guy I don't know back into my life and her because the father of her child has left, abandoned her and her son.



I want to run and I want to hide like Cain did from God after he had killed his brother. I want to run and hide from myself because I am ashamed. Ashamed of who I am, ashamed of who I have become. I've become a home wrecker and not even a good one. It was unintentional. I didn't know he and the girl had gotten so close. She'd met all his family, his mother, his grandmother, even all of his extended family. A right that I thought was given to me alone. Hes taken her to his church, another right that I thought had been reserved just for me. He was really with this girl. This bitch, but I can't even call her a bitch because I don't hate her. I feel sorry for her, I feel sorry for all of us. But from what he's telling me she knew. She knew he had a girlfriend and still wanted to be with him.



Oh man back to the lack of respect for myself. He and I have been back together for almost 2 months now and she has no clue that I'm even back in the picture. A few weeks ago, she came over and I hid in his room while he "drove around with her" for over 45 minutes. He found nothing wrong with that. That was after he told her that he missed her (in but so many words). It was actually more like, and I quote, "I haven't seen you in weeks and I really want to see you". That was just like telling her he missed her right? Slap in the face! Slap in the face! Slap in the face! Slap in the face! Damn how many times am I going to let him slap me?



Oh and slap me he did 3 weeks ago. We had both been drinking when we went floating the river and I just couldn't help but to hit him. We both got out of the car and I was yelling and screaming and slinging my arms and him him and he hit me back. He slapped me. I was shocked I stopped everything. I could'nt believe he had put his hands on me. Wow, I really don't care about myself because not to long after he was back in my life...it only took a few hours that time. While he was so angry though he told me that he was still talking to his baby mama concurrently and he told me he wanted to kick my ass and hurt me much more than he already had.



What did I do in a pass life? Was I Bloody Mary? Did I kill tens, hundreds, thousands, of people to where I have to hurt like this now? Was I a serial killer, is that why I was blessed with this serial heartbreaker? Ay-yi-yi! Im so confused. I don't know what to do. I know I'm tired of typing though so I'll just leave it hear for now.



Now that I've had this wake up call, this revelation, what will I do with it? Sweep it aside like always and still be with him? I turn 24 in a few days, maybe its time for me to let go of the past and move on? Oh what to do? What to do?