Mystified

It's totally complicated...
First, I thought that you would just be my friend,
We shared a lot as you were one of my best friends
I said, "I would never fall in love."--but I did pretend
The searing glances that I thought were friendly things,
Made me trip my words around these happenings.

It's completely abstruse...
Soon, I had mine, so as yours
But my love grew through dispersion,
I said, "Don't worry you'd never be hit by this explosion."
But it hurts when you said, "That's good! Our friendship would grow bigger too."
If only you'd see what's inside, you know I lied bigger too.
You were the one hit by my love that burst,
You who were the one asking first.

That of which, I thought you were just a friend and nothing more,
And I failed a promise--sworn underneath this yore,
So I insinuated, "I loved another after my first one,"
Then you asked, "Who is it?"
If only I could tell you the truth, it is you
From that point of feeling, I tried to run.
Escape from the earth I'm losing fun.

It hurts...
I know I don't have the right to you,
Hence, I'm not the one right for you too,
I have no right to complain and say, "Can you feel the pain?"
The pain I've been used to,
I even have no rights to burn in jealousy,
For I hold nothing on you--as if I waived my first for you.
I hate saying I don't love you,
For I adore you much a year or two.

I first saw you shed tears in front of me,
That you felt jealous when you saw him with another girl,
I tried to lend my hand as your rain
Or my shoulder to lean on to ease the pain,
But who was I?
I, myself--would I be enough for herself?
But I can't for my eyes were crying inside
And my heart was pumping your name throughout
That I can't take it--the way I see you cry.

I kept on teasing you with other guys,
To whom with the most hideous face to the least of handsome
But how I wished I could tease you to myself,
And keep on teasing long before you get irritated,
But that was impossible--just like loving me as your guy.

I lost this time,
I've made a wrong turn,
But am I blameworthy?
I just love you
I did not even tell you to love me back,
Do you think I want the way I feel?
The feelings I've been trying to conceal?
That you are making oceans between us,
I try to drain it as if I understand,
But your oceans even have waves,
How will I withstand it--I don't know how to swim,
Is that pre-planned?
Or just a misconception of how I understand?

There is something in you,
I really don't know
That makes me love you as far as I go,
It hurts to fool your own feelings,
A feeling that you can't even tell her a sign of unbeknown love
The thing you only have,
The way you jest across the rable,
The way you grin besides the grief,
Astounding my peace.
The way you peer me aloft that building,
Everything you do keeps my head spinning,
Spinning and rotating as this world turns around you and me...

Would you tell me that you hate me?
Even it maims my integrity, I'd be happy,
'Cause you were telling the truth,
And I'd be smiling 'cause we would be friends anyway,
As though loving a girl already owned is maybe a crime,
My eyes may not lie,
My ears may not lie,
My body may not lie,
But my heart lies--beating a maiden breathe by time.

It would smother me seeing you both holding hands,
But do I have the position to say "Stop"?
I'm not your Father,
I'm just your lover,
And if ever I successfully said "Stop",
Alas! You never dared to look back.
But if it would be granted a chance of holding back,
To keep you hold each one,
You'd surely ask "Why?"
So again, I'm tripping of words,
As the sky bestows me with the clouds shrouding my world.