California

Beau returned on a rainy Tuesday, just at the beginning of summer. He was a little thinner and a little paler but in the weeks to come we would watch as his figure and skin tone quickly readjusted themselves. The one physical token he retained from his time away was only visible to those who were close to him, or rather as close as anyone could be to Beau. For the rest of his life he would have this hard glint in his eyes; a scar remaining from being suddenly stripped of whatever innocence he’d had left before going away. None of us would ever bring it up, none of us except Dania that is.
Dagney was watching Charlie’s Angels and rolling a joint in his living room the morning Beau got back in town. Dagney lived with his father and younger sister Dania in a small rambler in Southie. There was a cheap metal fence wrapping itself around the front yard, which was always a dead brown color no matter the season. We spent a lot of time at Dagney and Dania’s house, especially when it was too rainy to surf or skate. Their father worked long hours managing an auto parts factory. During his rare hours off he kept mostly to himself, locking himself in his room to tinker with the model cars he was fond of. After Dagney and Dania’s mother left Mr. Donner gave up on parenting all together. It didn’t concern him whether or not his children ate or slept, went to school or did drugs. None of it held any importance to him anymore.
Dagney’s house was also situated in the center of the neighborhood, relatively close to all of us. Zacharia and Paul both lived on the block across the street, Danny was about a fifteen minute walk away. The rest of us were all somewhere in between. Dagney and Dania’s house was also about the only consistent living quarters in our group. The rest of us had pretty much been bouncing around since we were thirteen; depending on who could pay the rent, who was speaking to whom and who was maybe severing some time away.

It was 11:12 am when Beau slipped through the unlocked front door. He shook out his shoulder length sandy brown hair, still streaked with the premature gray that had apparently been inherited from his father, though there was no one left who could attest to that. He wiped his vans on the green floor mat before sitting down on the couch as though a mere ten minutes had past and not ten months.
Dagney stared a moment in a sort of stunned silence, he wasn’t sure if Beau was actually sitting in front of him or if he had smoked more than he’d previously thought.
“You wanna’ smoke?” Asked Dagney passing Beau the joint and a neon blue lighter off the coffee table. Beau put one end of it to his lips and lit the other end inhaling deeply. He blew the smoke out from between his lips, creating a fog momentarily separating him from the rest of the world.
They sat in silence for sometime, smoking and watching Charlie’s Angels. The click of a door from down the hall startled both of them. A moment later Dania appeared, rubbing her eyes and adjusting her grey sweat pants, which hung loosely. Her skin color was the same golden brown as her older brother’s- a complexion earned only through superior breeding and a life lived predominately in the California sun. The skin on her face, collar and the space between where her tank-top ended and her pants began, glistened with the warm sweat that had accumulated while she slept. Beau wanted to feel it. Unlike her brother’s mess of dark curls, Dania’s hair cascaded in thick smooth waves down her back.
She rubbed her green eyes again clumsily, the sudden light blinding her, then saw Beau sitting before her and smiled. In that brief moment, for the first and last time in his life Beau fell in love.

Dagney was five when Dania was born, and their mother left only a year later. Dagney spent his life, little sister always in tow. We had all watched her grow up, though we didn’t realize until later she had been watching us grow up as well. Beau had been almost as influential in caring for Dania as Dagney. He was the one who’d wrapped the presents from Santa, the one who’d pulled out her first loose tooth and the one who had given her her first skateboarding lesson. He’d also been the one to pick her up after her first day of high school, the one who took care of her the first time she drank too much, and when Adam Randal took Dania’s virginity then broke her heart, Beau was the one who beat him up. Dagney never heard a word about any of it.
All of us viewed Dania as our little sister. We liked her because she was kind, funny and enjoyed surfing, skating and rock and roll. She didn’t cause drama, she didn’t get in the way and she could roll spectacular joints. We all loved her but never saw her the way we saw the other girls who hung around. Every one of those girls wanted Beau, and Beau had had most of them.
But from that moment on none of those other girls held any interest to Beau. He suddenly wanted to be close to Dania so badly he could feel all the molecules in his body struggling to push forward towards her.
Dania had turned seventeen two months after Beau went away. Beau had just turned twenty two three weeks to the day before he got home.
“Welcome back,” said Dania with a smile. Beau cleared his throat.
“Uh, yeah thanks,” Beau replied shifting around in his seat. Dania watched Beau curiously for a moment before seating herself in the faded purple arm chair near her brother. The way she chose the seat furthest from Beau and the uncharacteristic way she folded her arms across her chest made Beau feel as though she was being reserved.
“Does anyone else know you’re back?” asked Dania.
“I don’t think so,” Beau said.
“You want us to tell ‘em?” Dagney asked.
“They’re going to figure it out soon enough I think, it’s not like I really give a fuck about seeing anyone besides you guys anyway,” said Beau, glancing up at Dania who smiled shyly at the floor. Dagney wasn’t paying attention.
Beau was right, it took only a few short hours before the entire neighborhood was a buzz with Beau’s return. The migration of people who began to flock towards the Donner house to catch a glimpse of Beau for themselves, turned into the first house party of the season. The rain didn’t let up until dawn.

The next morning a Sam, Danny, and Collin saw Dania tip-toeing through the bodies lying in every nook and cranny of her house. Dagney was passed out on the couch with some girl from Oregon we had only seen a couple of times before.
Dania grabbed her surf board and bike from the back yard and Danny saw her bike off towards the water.

Dania dropped her bike and board onto the sand and undressed down to her swimsuit, then picked her board back up. The beach was deserted, which was not unusual at five o’clock in the morning, especially because this particular beach was not exactly public. It was constantly patrolled by one or more of the older guys, the ones who had stuck around in the neighborhood their entire lives; like barnacles latching onto a dock.
Tonight it was Marco, hovering on a high dock near by, sipping out of a bottle of beer and watching as Dania paddled out. He was a tough looking man, tan with dark hair that had knotted up in dreads many years ago. Marco used to watch after Danny when Danny’s mom was at work. No one knew how long Marco had lived in Southie, so longer than anyone could remember at least. None of us ever got up the courage to ask him, he probably wouldn’t have told us anything anyway. Danny figured he was born and raised here, he figured he had been just like us.
Dania dipped down under the wave and emerged on the other side of it in one fluid motion. She paddled out further and turned her board and body around to face the shore. As the wave rose behind her she pushed herself to her feet. Dania focused and concentrated her balance as she slid deftly down the cascading water. She pushed her board up and into the crest of the wave, bending her knees and gliding over the surface. When the wave began to slow and whither Dania jumped off of her board and plunged her body into the cold water. She stayed below the surface for a moment, relishing in the chill that woke the remaining parts of her that were still drowsy and cleared her foggy head.
Dania ran out of oxygen and emerged from the surf, taking a gasp of air. She put an arm around her board and pulled herself up. After she was seated on her board she used one hand to push the hair back out of her face.
Marco whistled loudly. Dania looked at him, and he motioned to the beach.
For a moment Dania thought she still had salt water in her eyes. But a moment later it registered that her eyes were not deceiving her. Beau was sitting in the sand, board laying next to him, as he stared out into the surf.
Dania debated a moment as to what she wanted to do but then paddled in, and climbed out of the water. She set down her board and sat down next to Beau.
“Nice run,” he said.
“Thanks.”
They sat in silence for a moment.
“I haven’t been in the water for ten months, three weeks and four days.” Dania didn’t respond, Beau looked at her. “This’ll be my first surf.”
“Mmmhmm,” she replied not turning to look at him.
“Would you paddle out with me?”
Dania appeared to think for a moment.
“Yeah.”

Beau was glad they were alone. He hadn’t realized how incredibly lonely he’d been until Dania had sat down next to him. He felt uncharacteristically tentative walking towards the shore. His board felt heavier than he remembered and he felt awkward and unsure carrying it. The last word any of us would use to describe Beau would be unsure. Beau always knew what he wanted, and if he didn’t as soon as he figured it out he took it. No hesitations, no questions asked. But at this moment he felt like a baby taking his first steps. It was the most vulnerable Beau ever remembered feeling. He wanted Dania to hold his hand.
Beau took in every tiny aspect of the ocean and the air and the sand that he had desperately tried to remember during his time away from all of it. The cold water that instantly awoke every atom in his body, the taste of the salt on his lips, the way the air could be both cool from the water and hot from the sun at the same time.
He followed Dania further into the water, she was ahead of him already on her stomach and paddling out. Beau dropped his board into the water and climbed onto it. The sudden cold on his bare chest made him shiver. He dipped his arms into the water, beginning with his finger tips and ending with his shoulders. Dania sat up on her board and motioned to Beau to take the on coming wave.

She couldn’t help but smile as she watched Beau charge the rising water. All the girls swooned when Beau got on a surf board, and we knew Dania had a crush on Beau when she was younger. Though lots of us would argue the crush never went away, not entirely at least. It became apparent later on how Dania had continued to hold a candle to Beau all through out her adolescence. Despite the string of different relationships, flings and one night stands Dania always seemed only slightly affected by any of it. As though she felt they were all just temporary, something to keep her occupied while she waited for something real, something important to come along.
Beau glided up the wave and into the crest. He didn’t try anything fancy. He didn’t fight the wave or try and dominate it. He was respectful and patient in ways Dania did not remember him possessing before he’d gone away.
The wave slowed and Beau jumped off his board and bobbed into the water. When he surfaced, Dania was clapping. Beau looked over at her and was made suddenly insecure by her smile. He wasn’t sure if she was mocking him. He wanted her approval so badly he truly felt as though he could cry. He had never cared about gaining anyone’s approval before, ever. He was a twenty two-year old ex-con desperately seeking the approval of a seventeen year old girl.
Beau splashed his face then pulled himself up onto his board. Dania was grinning at him. She lied down on her board and turned her head to yell back to him.
“You’re going to have to fight me for them now B!” She paddled out further, chasing the next wave. Beau’s stomach did a summer salt and he quickly paddled after her.


The way Beau walked made every female immediately think of sex. His reinstated presence brought an interesting dynamic back to the group that we had forgotten about. All of the girls who were trying to attach themselves to Beau on some level went back to their processes with full force. The amount of perfume secreting from the dozen or so females at any one moment in time was suffocating. All the boys started smoking more cigarettes to cover the smell.
Beau was as aloof as ever, maybe even more so, which only served to entice the girls more. The only parties Beau showed up at were the ones Dania was going to, but when there he never sat next to her, never carried on a conversation with her, just watched.
Every now and again Dania would catch Beau’s eye from across the living rooms. There was always a girl chirping away at Beau’s side, Dania was always getting smoked up. But sometimes for a brief moment they would catch each other’s gaze and go into a world of their own. Some of us noticed this strange silent dynamic that had developed between Dania and Beau, but most of us chalked it up to the time away, or perhaps it had been there all along and we just had forgotten it.
The more Beau watched Dania the more he felt as though he was undeserving of her. The way she licked her lips every now and again when she spoke, the curious sideways glance she gave people when they amused her. All of it added up to this perfect creature Beau was sure he would have never appreciated fully had he not been kept away.



It wasn’t until a Thursday at two forty seven a.m. that he got up the courage to call her, from a corner pay phone a few blocks from the shore.
“Hello…?” Dania asked groggily.
“Hey.”
“Beau?”
“Yeah.”
Dania sat up and rubbed her eyes, the half a bottle of vodka she had consumed a couple hours before rearing its head once again.
“What time is it?” She asked not being able to read the eight or so digits she was seeing from her alarm clock.
“Late, or early I guess…” Beau replied. Dania laughed slightly and pulled her quilt up over her knees.
“I don’t think Dagney’s here.”
“I wasn’t calling for Dagney.”
Dania sobered up a bit.
“Why are you calling me Beau?”
“I’m going to pick you up.”
“When?”
“Now.”
“Where?”
“5th and Elm, that corner where Milo almost lost his arm.”
“Why?”
“Why did he almost lose his arm? Weren’t you there?”
“No, Beau, why are you picking me up at three in the morning?”
There was a moment of silence on the other end.
“Because I want to see you,” he replied. Dania felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her in the best way possible.
“Okay then.”
“Dania?”
“Yes Beau?”
“I love you.” All of the blood rushed to Dania’s head. She spent a moment trying to determine for sure that these events were in fact, truly happening, before she responded.
“I love you, Beau.”
“I’ll be waiting for you on the corner.”
“I will be there in six minutes.”
Five minutes and forty two seconds later Dania arrived at the meeting place. Beau was leaning up against his black Camero, finishing a cigarette which he dropped the moment he saw Dania coming up the sidewalk. He stood up and as soon as she got within fifteen feet of him he rushed forward and took her in his arms.
“Can I kiss you?” He asked. He had never asked for permission before, not for anything, especially not a kiss from a pretty girl.
“Yeah,” she replied. So he did.

Over the next weeks we noticed how frequent Beau and Dania’s drives became. Dania would roll a few joints and the two could be seen driving around the city, sometimes parked somewhere along the beach, sitting on the hood smoking cigarettes. The odd thing was there was usually very little interaction between Beau and Dania outside of Beau’s car. We never saw them kiss, hold hands or even hug.
Occasionally we would catch them speaking quietly in dark corners, secluded from the rest of us. The subjects of these conversations remained a mystery. Nothing about their mannerisms gave any sort of inclination. Neither Dania nor Beau could be considered conversationalists- the fact that they could seem to have so much to say to each other astounded us. We’d talk about it off handedly when there was nothing better to discuss. Katy was the only one who ever suggested that maybe they had a thing for each other but the idea was immediately deemed impossible. Beau was only interested in girls that put out immediately and frequently and even then he always lost interest within a few weeks. None of his many flings ever crossed into the territory of being considered a “relationship,” and the girls they were with were not expecting one. If they were, they were idiots, which wasn’t an uncommon trait among them. They were all the same; A-typical beach blondes who talked in high pitched voices and flashed peace signs but never picked up a news paper. Dania did not fall anywhere in the vicinity of this category.
Dagney was rarely around during this time. He was fooling around with that Oregon girl who’s named turned out to be Sally. She was a bitch, sassy and whiney, and we didn’t like her around, so Dagney spent most of his time over at her place which only served to make us hate her more.

At night Dania and Beau would meet up at secret locations through out the neighborhood, depending on the night and which place they were less likely to be seen. They spent long hot hours in the back seat of Beau’s car parked at a hidden beach or deserted street, fumbling around and exploring each other in new ways. On exceptionally nice nights Beau and Dania would conceal themselves in the dark underneath the high docks. It was virtually impossible to see anything going on under them besides the occasional flick of a lighter. Once or twice people saw glimpses of Beau heading under the docks with some girl they couldn’t get a clear look of. The last person anyone expected the unknown female to be was Dania.

Dania and Beau sat on opposite sides of the room at one of Randy’s house parties. Beau was sipping on his fifth or so beer while Dania smoked a cigarette with Adam. Adam was flirting with her. He could do that because he was her year, unattached and as far as we knew wasn’t a jerk. He had been deemed an acceptable candidate for Dania’s affections earlier that spring, after he’d let us into his Aunt’s backyard everyday to skate her pool while she was away in Europe.
Beau wasn’t the jealous type, but for some reason at that moment he wanted to punch Adam’s face in. He hadn’t seen Dania in a few nights, always insisting she was tired, and she hadn’t been returning his calls. He stood up, set down his beer then stretched his arms up above his head. A few of the girls in the room craned their necks to catch a glimpse of the few inches of Beau’s mid-drift that were exposed when his shirt lifted slightly. Beau was only hoping for one audience member as he made his way towards the front door, lighting a cigarette.
He stood in the middle of the front lawn, smoking and waiting. He could have been bouncing a ball on his nose buck-naked on Main Street (which oddly was how he felt at that moment) and still appear as though he were exactly where he should be. No one would ever question him.
A minute later Dania emerged from the house. Beau was relived. She crossed the lawn and bummed a cigarette from him. There were a few kids from the north side hanging around on the porch, but they weren’t paying any attention.
“You wanna’ get out of here?” asked Beau.
“Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t know, anywhere, somewhere. Not here.”
Dania ashed her cigarette onto the lawn and gave Beau that quizzical glace with her eye brow raised.
“What do you say?” he asked.
Dania thought for a moment.
“Sure.”
“Sure?” echoed Beau. Something about her hunched shoulders and the fact that she wasn’t meeting his gaze made him apprehensive. “You’re not telling me something,” he concluded.
Dania looked up at him.
“Can we talk about this in the car?” she asked.
“I’d like to talk about it now.”
Dania shuffled her feet around.
“I’m three weeks late so I’m going to the doctor tomorrow.”
“I’m sorry, what?” Dania’s worry and anxiety suddenly surfaced. She looked up at Beau like a little girl and then shrugged her shoulders.
“I’m late,” she repeated.
“And you waited three weeks to tell me?”
“I didn’t think it was important”-
“You didn’t think it was important to tell me that I may become a dad in nine months?” Dania looked as though she had been punched in the stomach. “Unless it’s not mine.”
“No,” she said quickly. “I mean there is no it, but if there was an it, it would be yours. But, like I said there is no it.”
They stood in silence for a minute, smoking under the light coming off of the front porch.
“So what do you want to do?” asked Beau.
“I’d like to go for a drive.”
“I meant about the-“
“I know what you meant,” Dania interrupted. “But I am not pregnant, and so we aren’t going to talk about it.”
“You don’t know that for sure-“
“I will tomorrow. So until then, and then afterwards there is nothing to talk about. Nothing can be done about anything tonight so let’s just go for a drive.” She tossed her cigarette out and started walking towards the car. Beau took a moment to himself and then followed. Always obeying her wishes Beau did not bring up the subject again that night.
Beau and Dania drove around for awhile then sat in the sand at one of the hidden beaches, smoked a joint and watched the sun come up. They didn’t say a single word. Beau took Dania back to his place where she fell asleep in his arms. Beau couldn’t stop contemplating all of the “what ifs” that had suddenly been brought to him within the last hours. He thought about himself, and how inadequate he felt in relation to the rest of the world. He thought about his own father, or rather thought about all the things he didn’t know about his father. He didn’t know where he’d been born, if he had siblings, what he did for a living, or even what his name was. All he knew about his father was that he wore blue jeans and smoked Marlboro Reds.
But mostly Beau thought about Dania, and how much he loved her. He knew that if it turned out there was, in fact, an “it,” it would be a part of Dania and he knew he would regret it his entire life if he never got a chance to love it too, as selfish as that may be. Besides, it wasn’t as though Beau hadn’t already decided to spend the rest of his life with Dania anyway.
Whatever Beau wanted, Beau got.
He fell into a restless sleep and when he awoke Dania was gone.

That evening Dania called Beau and told him to meet her at a north end beach near the Crab House. We used to surf there a lot when we were younger and couldn’t surf anything harder without making fools of ourselves in front of the older guys. Plus Peter, Noah and Zacharia worked at the Crab House and would give us free drinks and French fries.
Beau parked his car and walked down the beach where he saw Dania sitting alone. Another benefit to this beach was the lack of people; the older guys had stopped their patrol there about two years before. Dania stood when she heard Beau coming.
“Hey,” he greeted.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m not pregnant. Not that I didn’t say that repeatedly last night, but apparently you wanted a professional medical opinion and that is what it is. I’m not pregnant.”
An immense wave of relief rolled over Beau, followed, in the deepest darkest caverns of his heart, by the slightest tinge of disappointment. These emotions were quickly replaced however, when he saw that Dania was trying to leave.
“Wait? Where are you going?” Beau asked following after her towards the street.
“I just wanted to tell you that,” she replied without turning or slowing her pace.
“Dania please tell me what’s wrong!” Beau pleaded. Dania stopped abruptly, Beau almost collided with her. She spun around.
“I’m mad at you!” Dania cried. “I have been mad at you been then you just go and be your charming god damn self and make me forget!”
“What?” replied Beau with the utmost confusion.
“You had me thinking about all of the “what ifs” and thinking about how I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you but at the same time I can’t stop thinking about the past! What if it happens again only it’s not just me?! You never said anything to me, Beau!”
“What are you talking about?” asked Beau in almost a panic.
None of us had ever seen Dania angry. She barely spoke, let alone raised her voice.
“You just disappeared and then reappeared and never said anything!” Dania began to lose what was remaining of her composure. “You just left and never said you were sorry! You wouldn’t let any of us go to the trial or come and see you or even call you! I wrote you letters and you never answered! You didn’t even care! You didn’t care that you had left me alone!”
She dropped down into the sand and cried. Beau stood above her, watching. The blood pulsing through his veins and ears ran ice cold and for a minute or so he stopped breathing without realizing it.
He’d made her cry.
He fell down next to her and grabbed her, pulling her as close to him as possible while still being able to look her in the eyes.
“I was thinking about you every minute of every day. I was too ashamed to write you or talk to you, let alone face you! Not behind fucking bullet proof glass! I didn’t want you to see me like that!”
Dania looked up at him.
“Why’d you do it?”
“What?” asked Beau, though he had heard her clearly.
“Why’d you beat that kid so hard you almost killed him? What did he do that made him deserving of that?”
“He insulted your brother.”
It was Dania’s turn to be surprised.
“Why didn’t you tell anyone?”
“What good would that have done? Dagney would have just felt responsible for me getting put away.”
Dania couldn’t help but agree with him. She knew she would have felt guilty and she and Dagney generally saw things in the same manner.
“Was it worth it?” she asked.
“When it came to defending Dagney?” Dania nodded. “Yeah, of course. I never regretted it once when I was away, not once.”
“And now?”
“Now I regret it.”
“Why?”
“Because of you. Because I didn’t think my being away hurt you... I never wanted to hurt you and Dagney wouldn’t either. You’ve always come before pride, you’ve come before everything.”
Dania wiped the tears off of her cheeks with the back of her right hand. Then she smiled at him.
Beau couldn’t resist touching her any longer. He reached his hand up and stroked her head from the top, down her cheek and to her chin. He tilted her head up and kissed her. She gently pulled him on top of her as she lay down in the sand. There was a short fumbling of buttons and zippers before Beau slowly fell into her.
It was dark but the moon was bright, just bright enough for Zachariah and Danny who were a ways down under a dock smoking, to make out Beau and Dania’s faces and figures kissing and colliding in the moonlight.

Zachariah didn’t want to tell Dagney. He was more afraid of Beau than he was of Dagney, and rightfully so. Danny on the other hand felt a special allegiance to Dagney for reasons based on numerous events that had taken place through out our adolescence, Dangney had always had his back and he knew that if he didn’t tell Dagney it would wreak havoc on his conscience. Zachariah finally agreed Danny could tell Dagney so long as his name was never brought up.
Danny finally caught up with Dagney the next morning at the beach. Dagney was next to his car getting ready to paddle out when Danny approached him.
“Hey Dagney.”
“Hey Danny what’s up?
Danny shuffled his feet around, scraping them against the hot asphalt and running his fingers through his dark hair. He shoved his hands into his pockets.
“There’s something I think I should tell you…”
Dagney stopped getting ready and turned to listen.
“Yes…?”
“Last night, I was at the beach by the Crab House and… I saw Beau… with a girl….”
Dagney was confused.
“Okay, how is this relevant to me?”
“The girl was… I mean….” Danny took a deep breath, “it was Dania.”
Dagney froze. Danny didn’t know what he should do. After a minute Dagney spoke.
“Was he fucking her?”
“What?”
“Was-he-fucking-her?” Danny didn’t respond. “Danny?”
“That’s what it looked like.”
Dagney stood for a moment, expressionless, before turning and climbing back into his car, almost hitting Danny as he sped out of the parking lot.
Dagney didn’t show up to surf that morning and no one saw him at the Baker’s pool to skate later that afternoon. Around seven o’clock a party developed in Dagney and Dania’s house but still Dagney was no where to be seen. Beau was also not present at the time.
Dania took a bag of trash out to the curb sometime early on in the night’s festivities. None of us heard what was going on outside, distracted by the music and loud conversations. The noise and the heat emanating from the house made the outside seem colder and quieter.
Dania shivered. Bonnie stepped out onto the porch for a cigarette and fresh air. She saw Dagney walking up through the open gate before Dania did. Neither of them noticed Bonnie.
“How’s it goin’?” Dagney practically yelled. Dania jumped.
“Fine,” she replied, Dagney’s intoxicated state taking her by surprise and making her cautious.
Dagney was tense, his shoulders hunched slightly. He couldn’t seem to stop moving; like a boxer preparing for a fight.
“Dania,” said Dagney.
“Yes, Dagney?”
“Dania, Dania, Dania.”
“What?”
“You know Dad named you?” Dagney asked. Dania’s heart started pounding in her throat. “The plan was that Dad would name the boys and mom would name the girls. But when you showed up mom didn’t care any more. She didn’t want to name you. I was there when she made Dad do it. It was the first name that came to his head.”
Dania’s face became hot and her eye sight blurred.
“I was the one who fed you and held you. Dad was the one who put you to bed and dressed you and took you to your doctor appointments. After you came along all mom did was cry and yell. She didn’t want anything to do with you. You disgusted her. We were all really happy, and then you came along and fucked everything up. You were the reason she left.”
Dania and Dagney stood toe to toe for a minute. Dagney wasn’t feeling the least bit remorseful at his words. Dania broke down sobbing as she ran out of the yard and down the street. Dagney stood motionless for a moment, then took a sip out of his bottle, turned and waked into the house, passing by Bonnie without seeming to notice her. Dagney had just crossed the threshold and out of earshot when Beau walked up.
“Beau!” Bonnie exclaimed rushing down the font steps to meet him on the front walk and stop him from entering the house.
“Uh hey…” Beau replied. Bonnie and Beau had slept together a few times a couple years before, but he hadn’t really spoken much to her since, she was dating Peter.
“You need to go find Dania.”
“What?”
“She’s upset; she looked like she was heading for the beach. You should go find her.”
Beau took off before Bonnie could give a more detailed explanation. He never wanted Dania to be upset and alone ever again.

Bonnie was right, Dania had gone to the beach. Beau approached one of the high docks where he’d seen three figures, two he assumed were a couple of the older guys, and one, he knew was Dania. He approached the dock and was immediately confronted by Trevor.
“Did you do this?” Trevor demanded shoving Beau backwards. We were all sort of afraid of Trevor. He was always the one who kept us in line while we were growing up. He was big on respect.
“What?” Beau asked feeling stupid because of the way it came out.
“Did-you-do-this?!” Trevor repeated shoving Beau back again with the tips of his fingers.
“What’s wrong? Is Dania okay?” asked Beau with slight desperation, he was attempting to see around Trevor. Trevor seemed satisfied that Beau truly didn’t know what was going on, but he was still angry at him.
“You have got to watch out for your girl, Beau!”
“What?”
“What have I always told you?! Your girl comes first! You don’t let anyone fuck with her ever!”
“I didn’t know-“
“You better go take care of her and stop fucking up!”
Trevor grabbed Beau by the shoulder and half dragged, half pushed him to the dock. Beau stumbled but quickly recovered himself and headed towards the end where Dania sat huddled next to Kevin.
Kevin had persuaded Dania to sip out of a bottle of beer, which she clutched in her fingers as though if she let go she would fall to her death. Kevin was trying to coax Dania to hit his joint which she eventually did, reluctantly.
The wind coming off the water was also fighting hard to try and get Dania up. Dania remained unmoved, like a stone. Her eyes were red and slightly swollen. She’d been crying.
Kevin rearranged the coat he had draped over Dania and glared up at Beau as he approached. He leaned over and said something into Dania’s ear, Dania nodded and Kevin stood. He walked past Beau without a word but the look he gave Beau as he passed made his message clear. Beau sat down next to Dania. They sat in silence for a minute, Dania passed Beau the joint.
“Do you remember my mother?” Beau thought for a moment.
“A little.”
“Like what?” Beau had to take another moment to think.
“She used to take Dagney and me to the beach, like every day. Except when it was raining or something you know?” Dania sat silent for a minute, as though this information had brought down her world.
“Was she nice? Did she love Dagney?”
Beau wasn’t sure what Dania wanted to hear, so as usual he told the truth.
”Yes.”
“To which?”
“Both.”
Dania contemplated this.
“There aren’t any pictures of my mother and me. There are pictures of Dagney feeding me and holding me and teaching me how to walk…” Beau looked at Dania as she trailed off. She was trembling; her face was flushed and clammy. When she spoke again her voice was quaky.
“Dagney said that before she left she… changed. She cried all the time and… he said she didn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Dagney said that?”
“Yes.”
“That’s not true.”
“Dagney seemed pretty sure.”
Beau would have liked to been able to console her and tell her there was no validity to Dagney’s statements. But the fuzzy memories he had of life pre-Mrs. Donner abandonment seemed to coincide with what Dania’s notion was. He didn’t have an explanation for it, though he couldn’t see how Dania, especially as an infant, could have had anything to do with it. She had been a beautiful baby girl, well tempered and happy. A joy to be around. But for some reason the light she brought to everyone else seemed to have an adverse affect on her own mother.
Dania took a deep breath.
“It’s my fault she left.”
“You could barely even open your eyes, there’s no way you could have done anything to her. You just slept and looked beautiful.” Dania smiled slightly, despite herself. Beau put his arm around her and whispered in her ear.
“Fuck her,” he said. “If she didn’t want to get to know you then it’s her loss. Fuck her.”
Dania cried and Beau held her. Then he, Dania, Trevor and Kevin shared a few bowls before Beau took Dania home. He tried to convince her to spend the night at his place but she said she wanted to be alone. Beau wasn’t sure what to do about Dagney, he came to the decision that he was going to confront him, but that was as far as he got before he passed out from exhaustion.

Dania entered her house, there were a few people still awake matching bowls and smoking cigarettes in the living room. Dania acknowledged them and made her way to her bedroom. On her way she passed the bathroom. The door was open and the light was on. Dania poked her head in and saw Dagney curled up on the tile floor next to the toilet. He was passing out. Dania wetted a washcloth and wiped the heavy sweat that had accumulated on Dagney’s forehead. His body was hot and listless. Dania cooed calming words into his ear as she pulled off his shirt, which was soaked in sweat, booze and vomit.
She sat up with him until dawn. Until he was conscious just long enough for Dania to half carry, half drag him to his bed. Dania passed out in her own room and when she awoke some hours later Dagney was already gone.

Dania met us at the Masons’ pool. The Masons were visiting their grandmother in Tuson for the week and Emily was house sitting for them. Dania sat on the lawn next to Polly and Zachariah. Zachariah and Polly had been dating for about seven months, so naturally he had told Polly everything about seeing Dania and Beau. Zachariah felt uncomfortable, Polly on the other hand was dying to ask Dania flat out if she was sleeping with Beau or if, as most of the girls suspected, it was a drunken one night fling.
The group was eyes and ears when Beau made his appearance some time around three. He could sense there were more eyes upon him than usual, and he knew why. Dania had also become well aware; when she walked past groups of people they would suddenly go quiet. He scanned the backyard until he caught sight of Dania, who shrugged and shook her head with that slight smile. Beau couldn’t help but grin. She was his, and now everyone could know it.
He pulled one hand out of his pocket and with one finger motioned her over to him. She smiled, stood and walked to him. This is what Polly- what all of us-had been waiting for. Dania and Beau met next to the deep end of the pool, which was a beautiful cement oval with a fourteen foot drop. Tony was in the middle of a run in it and didn’t see what was going on.
“Hey girl,” Beau greeting sarcastically, hands remaining in his pockets, when Dania arrived in front of him. She smiled. Beau was overwhelmed. He leaned down and kissed her.
And at that moment Dagney arrived. It was impossibly and brutally perfect.
Beau didn’t notice Dagney. He took Dania by the hand and started walking in the opposite direction. Dania saw him and stopped.
Dagney’s fist collided with Dania’s left temple. Beau couldn’t react fast enough. Dagney watched as his little sister went over the ledge of the pool. Her body slammed into the cement fourteen feet bellow with a dull thud that brought everyone in the surrounding area to a sudden eerie silence.
Dania was lying frighteningly still. Blood was coming from somewhere beneath her head.
Polly and Amanda screamed. Sam and Robbie ran inside to call 911.

Dagney just ran.

Beau dropped into the pool the moment after Dania did, and he did not get out until the paramedics were wheeling her away into the ambulance, where he rode with her to the hospital.

We waited in the purgatory of a lobby for what felt like an eternity. No one had seen Dagney since he fled from the pool.
Beau sat separately from the rest of us; his fingers locked tightly on the armrests as though he were sitting high above everything else and terrified of dropping, swiftly and suddenly, at any moment. His body was rigid, frozen. His eyes wide, staring into some darkness none of us had even begun to glimpse at that point in our lives. The kind of darkness you only feel when you are about to lose everything that you can’t buy back in a store.
No one dared to even breathe too loudly. Emma was crying and eventually couldn’t control herself any longer so Jeremy took her outside to smoke a pack of cigarettes.
Four hours later a doctor came out and told us she was lucky. Her forearm had broken her fall, which meant she hadn’t damaged her spine; however in the process she did break her arm. She split her head open and needed stitches but didn’t crack her scull. The initial tests they ran looked positive, but they couldn’t be sure there wasn’t any brain damage until she woke up. Which she hadn’t.
They moved Dania out of the ICU and into a room where Beau could sit by her bedside, which is where he remained for the entire twenty six hours and thirty two minutes before she woke up. His face was the first thing she saw when she opened her eyes.

Dania got to come home four days later. Dagney was still no where to be seen, though Danny said he had seen him holed up at Sally’s place.


Over the next few days things began to go back to normal. By that time we were already used to not having Dagney around and the only other physical reminder was the cast on Dania’s arm and the bruise on her face, but even that was starting to fade. We weren’t forgetting about what happened, just forgetting to think about it so much.
Beau, however, wasn’t forgetting, not in the slightest. It wasn’t until he was convinced Dania was alright that started asking around for Dagney. Dania had yet to tell Beau about the intense migraines she was suffering from.
He spent a few evenings rolling around the neighborhood and dropping in at different parties to dip back into the social scene and have an easier time of finding Dagney when he decided the time was right. None of the girls tried to make a pass at Beau, as though it would be in bad taste.

The entire neighborhood was simultaneously tense over the next days. The air was hot and thick with anticipation, like the sky right before a storm. We were all snapping at each other on a daily basis. Punches were swung more frequently than usual. Zacharia and Polly broke up. We were all waiting for the bubble to burst, and on a muggy Wednesday night it did. Whatever Beau had previously been waiting for became suddenly irrelevant when he came home to find Dania throwing up in the bathroom.

The lights were off and the house was eerily quiet when Beau entered. He had gone to visit Tony, who had wrecked himself on a dock and was now in the hospital with a broken rib. Afterwards Beau stopped at the grocery store to buy some of the cereal Dania liked. Since the fall Beau had basically moved in, Mr. Donner didn’t mind, he even came out to eat dinner with them once in awhile. Besides Beau there were at least two other people with Dania pretty much all the time. They slept on the couch and the extra bed that used to belong to Dagney. Beau slept with Dania.
Beau had left Dania with Polly and Danny. When he took a few more steps forward into the dark house Danny rushed forward and stopped him.
“What’s going on?” asked Beau, setting down the bag of groceries.
“Shhh,” replied Danny, “Dania has a headache.”
Danny led Beau to the bathroom. Polly was sitting on the floor next to Dania, who was resting her head against the toilet. Polly was holding an ice pack against the side of Dania’s head, the side she had fallen on. Polly looked helpless, Dania couldn’t open her eyes wide enough to realize Beau was standing in the doorway. She threw up again and Beau took off.
All of us had seen that look in Beau’s eyes before, like an animal on the hunt. But none of us moved a finger to try and stop him.