My Childhood

My very early childhood memories are of walking out of my room; seeing my father and mother arguing and fighting in the drawing room! Both my parents were very loving and caring, but for me only. I don’t know but I never saw the magical chemistry between them which I used to see between by friends’ parents. We used to go out on social gatherings and I would find my mother sitting quietly and not taking part in the usual activities of the wives. She wouldn’t talk much. Yes, I remember there were times when it would become very obvious to all of the other couples that my parents have had some fight, but my dad would try to cover it up while my mother would actually end up arguing with him even in public at times.

I remember there would be times when I would actually long to have a normal childhood; like all of the other children of my age, I would long to go back home one day and find my parents living in all peace and harmony, I would long to have some brother or another sister just hoping that then we would be two to make our parents work well with each other. There would be times when I would come home from the school;really excited about some grade or prize but my parents were never interested in it; all they cared about was their own ego and their fight! Since my childhood I was more close to my father and I remember waving him good bye in the morning. He would return late at night because he did not want to have fights with my mom and I would spend all of my day waiting for him!

I was in third grade when one day my parents fought very furiously over something, so furiously that my mom took out a knife in front of my father. I don’t know what the reason behind it was; I just remember I was crying frantically trying to stop them! The next day I didn’t go back home from school, instead I went to a friend’s home because I never wanted to see my parent’s faces! My father came to pick me from their home in the evening and I remember I was so scared that he would me mad at me but I guess he knew it wasn’t my fault and that I was scared, he hugged me, said sorry and took me home. I went home but my mother didn’t talk to me! Then there was another moment when again my mother had a bad fight with my father and they both broke all of the utensils in their anger. I remember our lounge carpet spilled with all broken utensils. My childhood was lost somewhere in these shattered mirrors and glasses!

There would be times when my parents would be sleeping separately for months and months. I would wish that someday things change. I used to go to school; trying to act normal, hiding that something wrong had happened at home!

When my parents got married my mother used to live with one of her aunts who was very rich so basically my mother used to suppose that she belongs to a financially stable background while my father was from a struggling family but my father was an educated professional; an electronics engineer by profession!. Soon after their marriage my father got a good job in Saudi Arabia and left for it. After a year my mother went there too and then later I was born after sometime. I do not know if my birth made any difference to their relationship but definitely it added to their responsibilities. My mother maybe never accepted the fact that my father was a hard working professional and that definitely he would have a bright future soon. She would always complain of how unhappy she was with him and that how she was surrounded by servants at her mother’s place and now she had to do everything by herself! My father on the other hand was an extra perfectionist; he would also complain about everything at least that is how I presume the situation from the way I used to look at things at that time.

Every year we would come to Pakistan for our annual vacations and my mother would have a good fight with her inlaws and would leave the home for her brother’s home and then after a few days someone from my mother’s family would try to reconciliate them and then my father would go to pick her up. The pain I used to feel at that times can’t be expressed on paper!. And this is something about me and my life which I think not many people would understand or relate to. This is one common pain which me and my father share!.

I was twelve years old when my mother again came to Pakistan after a huge fight with my father. This was one situation of my life when I actually didn’t know what would be happening in life. This was that point of my life when I actually wanted them to separate once and forever! I was hardly twelve years old when my parents got divorced! I remember the day when my father told me that they both were getting a divorce; I remember stepping down some stairs of my home … I remember I did not shed even one tear! I don’t know but at that age I guess I was actually thrilled at that thought! At least there would be no fights, no arguments, so home tensions, I thought!. I felt as if I was about to be freed of something after my parent’s divorce.

I don’t know where life takes people! It goes on leaving a person’s soul heavily scarred. Life just makes one’s childhood disappear in the darkness somewhere. This is exactly what happened with me. I used to think ahead of all of the children of my age because I had seen life very closely. I had lost trust on all of the relationships including my parents very long time ago and this trust has never come back ever since, not even on other people. I grew up becoming a good student but I always lacked trust and confidence internally.