Why now? Why ever?

Why now, why ever?

I do it because of the droves of women with words unspoken,
Choked by our throat chakras
Keeping us wound so tight and working so hard,
that taking a full breath or sitting in silence
is something we don’t learn until our 40’s
Hidden in the folds of their minds, silently controlling our every move
Without ever announcing or naming themselves,
The storyline we developed with a child’s shattered mind haunts us.
I do it to remove the limitations this loud whispering darkness has placed on my life
Because I am exhausted from the effort to be only half here,
in my relationships, in my body, in my head…and in my bed.
I’m  tired of being 210% present in anything, over there.
And NOTHING over here.
Anything that will provide a good distraction
Anything that will keep me moving until I fall over and am too tired to even dream.
I’m tired of my throat swelling up with a ball of energy
The energy that feels like a kick in the stomach and ties me in knots
Knots that prohibit anything from coming out.
No rage, no joy, no play, no ecstasy, not even human waste is allowed to leave this prison.
Its as if my soul’s only request is to hold on to it,
to continue to be a dumping ground where sickness is dropped off and left to fester
But never to release. Never ever, to let go.
I do it because I’m finally safe. Finally loved. Finally not choking it down with something numbing.
I do it because I don’t have a choice, because its time.
I do it because I get it.
I get that this will never end until I feel it, name it,
scrape the scab off and let God heal it from the inside out.
Until I can do that, it remains a sign that only the sick can see
As if to say “Pick me! Take advantage of me. I’ve nothing left to lose, leave your secrets here”
The cycle will never end unless I end it.
The behaviors that give me … and them… permission to treat me like I’m a lost cause
Will never go away for me, or my children
who learned about the word through my fearful eyes
until I decide
I’ve had enough.

So I’m doing this because I’ve had enough!
I’ve had enough of the sleep walking,
the sleepless checking of doors and windows in fear I’m not safe.
I’ve had enough of the panic attacks, the hyperventilating, the shutting down and the shaking.
I’ve had enough of the paralysis that happens when a strong, temperamental or raging man enters the room.
I’ve had enough watching and waiting and looking for the next time that I’ll be hurt
The next time I’ll be devastated by someone I trust
Someone who I thought loved me.
I’ve had enough looking for that big shoe to fall from the sky
And kill everyone I ever loved.
Because I am not worthy of them.
I’ve had enough of the distain I feel when I look at my naked body
of the internal agony that makes cutting my flesh off or drinking myself to death
Seem like a treat
I’ve had enough.

And I know I’ll have to feel something to do this.
I know I’ll have to accept some really awful truths about what happened to me
And the choices those events helped me to make.
I know it will hurt and I know it will take some time.
But not as much as the pain and the time that not doing this will cost me.
I’m doing this because abuse will never end,
no matter how mad at it I am
Its been happening since the beginning of time
Sick people have been taking things from innocent people
since before we knew how to write about it
So if I can’t stop anyone from feeling this way ever again
I choose to sort out this burden I did not authorize
One awful memory and truth at a time.
So I can be a light in a very dark tunnel some day,
And all the while, making world a bigger place for me and my daughter to live.

Fearless and free.
I do this because I want to be fearless and free.