Fallout 3: Power Fisted!

CHAPTER 1: Birth of a Bastard

You are born.
Dad: Well now! what a beautiful baby...
-CHOOSE SEX-
Dad: Boy! my, he looks just like me. Lets just conveniently see what he will look like after the games interactive intro.
-CHOOSE FACE-
Dad: Well... he's going to be sheet white with an odd nose, no lips or chin, green sideburns and a grey mohican. We will love him all the same, won't we, our child's mother?....
Mother: UUrrghh!
Dad: Holy crap!
-MOTHER DIES-
You: ....?

Everything blurs - it becomes 1 YEAR LATER:
Dad: Yes, that's it son. Get to learn the controls (of life), and then read this little book which will subtly determine just how good you will fare against gigantic scorpions later in the game. Sorry, I mean... life.
You: Da Da, weooowl, Da Da, Bawbllew, weooowl, Da Da, Da Da, weooowl
Dad: Ok son, I'm going to read your mothers favourite passage from the bible which is fairly significant to the main storyline. Listen up.
You: Bawbllew, weooowl, Da Da, weooowl etc.

Everything blurs..again. It's now 9 YEARS LATER. And you're ten.
Dad: Well son, here's your map, quest guide and inventory. I mean... Pip-boy.
You: (Cool).
Vault Oversee-er: Now that you're ten, don't be getting any ideas... Don't get cocky, and definately don't try to overthrow me in about 15 minutes time.
You: (Whatever)

You continue to have a good time by wearing a party hat, being rude to everybody, dissing a nice womans rubbish poem and starting a fight with another kid.
Dad: I have a surprise for you! Go and meet my friend Jonas downstairs.
You: (That sounds ominous)
-You go Downstairs.
Jonas: Happy Birthday!
You: Hurry up..
Dad: Ok sonny, I got you..... a BB gun!
You: Is that it?
Dad: STFU and shoot these targets, son.

You continue to shoot Jonas in the face until the screen blurs... again.

Dad: Well, time for your test son.
You: ?
Dad: Yes, the GOAT. On you go.
You: ?

You take a bobblehead from his desk, and continue down the hall for your goat.
Some bastards are harassing your mate, Amata.

Bully: What the fuck you lookin' at?
You: Something ugly staring back
Bully: Hey, you're all right.
You: Yeah, fuck Amata, I wanna be in your gang.

You start a fight and repeatedly punch everyone for a few minutes, then go for your test.

Teacher: Are you ready to sort your initial stats for lockpicking, explosives, sneaking and that sort of thing? Sorry, I mean... for your test?
You: The GOAT?
Teacher: Yes. The ..something ...something.. something, Test.
You: About that; Can I just skip it and do it myself?
Teacher: Yes.

Screen blurs. You are now 19 YEARS OLD!
Amata: Wake up!!
You: Jeeziz Christ!
Amata: Your Dad has left the vault, and Jonas is dead. I'm scared.
You: Are you horny?
Amata: STFU and take this gun. And don't use it unless you have to.
You: Now your talking!

You shoot Amata in the ass. She runs away.
You continue to shoot everyone for XP, until you find the Oversee-er.
Oversee-er: You little bastard. Guards!
You: WTF!

You dispatch the guards and overthrow the Oversee-er in record time. Then you steal his stuff and exit through a secret passage that leads to the vault door.
Amata appears.
Amata: That was my Dad!! How could you do that?!
You: LOL! Pwnage
Amata: You bastard..
You: STFU and let me out of this vault already.

Amata opens the great vault doors to the outside world, or The Capital Wasteland, as it's more commonly known. You shoot her a few times then kill some guards and FINALLY FINISH THE INTRODUCTION!
You: Level Up!
-----------------------------------------****--------------------------------------------******---------------------
CHAPTER 2: Megaton Memories

You step outside and look around.
You: Wow, everything looks really quite crappy.
You take a drink of water to heal yourself. It's irradiated. You get shot at a couple of times, then drag yourself to the makeshift city of MEGATON.
You enter Megaton and have a look around, meet a few people (including a mysterious man who offers you money to explode megaton), and tip over a two-headed cow... The town sheriff approaches you..

Sheriff Lucas Simms: Right ok, No fucking around now. This city is built around a giant nuclear warhead that didn't explode, so....
You: ...So I can blow the fuck out of your city?
Simms: Well, yes. But you can get a house to store things in if you disarm it.
You: (Deep in decision-based thought)
Simms: The house comes with a free robot.
You: Sold! Oh, and there was this mystery guy at the bar who kind of payed me to detonate the warhead...
Simms: Holy shit! Watch me kill him, come on!
You: (well I got away with that one...)

You follow Lucas into the bar, where he confronts the Mystery man. The mystery man calmly rises from his chair and kills the sheriff with one measly bullet.
You: That was an anti-climax.
-You kill the man, and loot both corpses in front of the entire bar, then get to talking with the owner, Moriarty.
Moriarty: Ah yes son... you look like your father... hmm.
You: Great. Where is he exactly?
Moriarty: I'm not telling you. Unless you kill a Prostitute for me.
You: ? Nah, it's ok. I'll just hack your computer, bye! (you irish fuck)
Moriarty: Come back soon!
You hack into his computer and get directions to Galaxy News Radio.

After that, you go out and de-activate the bomb. A young boy comes running up to you. He looks poor. It turns out to be the Sheriffs son.
Boy: You detonated the bomb! My father would have liked you to have these...
He gives you a set of keys for your Megaton apartment.
You: Yes! I'm off to gets ma free robot! See ya L8RZ
Boy: Well, that's me orphaned now... (cough)
You: .....Unlucky.

In your house, a large floating octopus-shaped robot is waiting for you.
You: Awesome! Tell me a joke
-The robot tells you a geeky joke
You: meh, tell me another one. Make it racist.
Robot: Sorry, that's all for today.
You: wtf?
You: Well then give me a haircut.
You get a Pink combover with matching Grizzly Adams beard, then leave your house. You tip over the two-headed cow a couple of times and then leave Megaton.

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CHAPTER 3: Finding Daddy

You step outside. Just to your right is a poorly man, begging for water.
Beggar: Please.... some water. Please.
You: ....Get a job?
Beggar: I beg you.... please, just some water.
You: Hmm.... I have dirty water and some nuka-cola.
Beggar: No, it must be purified water... Please help me..
You: Are you fucking joking? You're begging! Take a cola and go fuck yourself.
Beggar: No, it must be purified water.... Please help me...

You dispatch the beggar, then consult your FALLOUT 3 OFFICIAL STRATEGY GUIDE.
You: Oh. You can completely bypass Galaxy News Radio and go straight to a small garage in the bottom left-hand side of the map. My dad's in there?

You venture out into the irradiated wastes, killing anything that moves with your chinese assault rifle, and subsequently getting mauled by bears every three minutes until you (eventually) arrive at Smith & Casey's Garage.
You: Well that was arduous. Let's go find my Dad!
After killing some molerats and looking around the garage, you find a switch that opens a hatch that leads to a door which leads to a vault. Once inside the vault, a big robot approaches you.
Robot: Welcome.
You: ...You seen my Dad?
Robot: Negative. Put these clothes on and go downstairs.
You: I wish I'd just stayed at home....

You change clothes at the robots behest then travel downstairs into a main hall full of pods, and a few other robots. There is one empty pod. You obviously get into it. It's a game.
The screen goes blank, then you appear again as a child, in a black & white 50's style suburban cul-de-sac. Friendly people are walking around. It's a simulation. There is a little girl with a dog in the middle of the street, in a little park.
You: Is that dog my Dad, perchance?
Girl: No.
You: (I bet 1000 caps that's my Dad)
Girl: If you want to leave, you're going to have to do things for me. Firstly, make young Timmy or Billy or whatever, cry.
You: Easy
There is a small boy at a lemonade stand across the way. You punch the shit out of him.
Girl: Good, now (At this point the girls voice becomes the voice of a middle-aged german man) I vant you to brek up ze marriage of ze rockvells, across ze road.
You: Jeezuz fucking Christ!

You visit the Rockwells and tell Mrs. Rockwell that her husband wants to ride the neighbour, then become a bit confused and check your pip-boy. It's become a wrist-watch. You get a bit more confused, then somehow pull it off. (the quest, not the watch).

Girl: Good. Now Kill everyone.
You: That's more like it.

You don a mask and a knife and go about stabbing and slicing every friendly face within your line of vision. You get a strange buzz from this.
You check your pip-boy. It's still a wrist-watch.

Girl: Ok, you may leave. Take your Dad with you. It's that dog.
You stare blankly at her for several moments, then leave.

You wake up in the pod, then exit it to find your Daddy-o standing there.
Dad: Thank you son. Being a dog was... annoying.
You: No sweat off my balls. Lets go home.
Dad: No. I happen to be a scientist that was involved with a massive experiment before you were born, which was to purify all the Capital Wasteland's water. Then I had you, and well... I went into the vault and..
You: regretted having me? Wanted to leave? What?
Dad: Kind of, yeah. Anyway, I'm off to meet all my Science buddies in a ship. Wanna tag along, or something...?
You: Nah. I'll see you there later.
Dad: cool. Catch you after, Oh and thank's for... you know..
You: yeah.... don't sweat it. You fucking cunt.
Dad: What?
You: ....Bye!
------------*****-----------------------------------------------*******----------------------------------------------
CHAPTER 4: Incestuous Cannibals

Once back outside the garage, you check your map. Your Dad is waiting for you in Rivet City, which is the ship he talked about. It is on the opposite side of the Capital Wasteland. You sigh loudly, reload, then start running.
You are attacked by a giant scorpion, then two bears, a deathclaw, two giant scorpions, several giant ants, another bear, three mirelurks, a team of raiders, another bear, seven super mutants with centaurs, talon company mercs, more raiders, two more bears, a sentry bot, some feral ghouls and another bear.
You are almost near the middle of the map.

You drag yourself onward - Heart thumping, eyes shaking, brain bleeding - Until you come across a mostly ruined settlement. There seems to be a couple of houses left intact... You casually enter the first house on your right.

You: ....Hello?
Man: Howdy. Welcome to Andale!
You: So... You're quite alright with a blood-soaked, gun-toting nutjob with no lips or chin and a pink combover just waltzing in and looking about?
Man: Yep. I just live here with m' wife n' son. We're completely normal, we are; Just like the neighbours across the way. Normal as sodomic incest! Erm, I mean.... human flesh! ....or something. (cough)
You:......o....k. Well, be careful, there's a ghoul behind you.
Man: Huh? (looks around)
-You steal a key for the family's shed.
Man: Anyway, make yourself at home. Don't mind us, we just live here.
You: I'll pass.

You exit, sneak up to the shed and unlock it. Once inside, you discover the mutilated corpses of several wastelanders strewn around, with a few coolers and fridges, and even better, some hand-held chainsaws.
You: Ahh... I thought it was just incest with them. They're cooler than that. I shoulda known.
You take the chainsaws, loot the wastelanders, then leave again.
Upon exiting, you find yourself surrounded by the family and the neighbours across the way; two men and two women - brandishing weapons.
Man: Ok. So you've seen what we're all about.
You: You're incestuous cannibals. That's cool with me.
Man: Pffft!... Incestuous! - heh.......... Naahhh!
Woman: Well there was quite a bit of incest, and-
Man: STFU bitch. We just need to feed our weird kids. You know how it is...
You: Not really.
Man: Well, as long as you didn't steal all our hand-held chainsaws; you're fine with us. I'm glad you're down with the cannibals - unlike that old fuck Harrison who lives down the way... He doesn't fuck kids, he doesn't eat humans.... weird.
You: Can I go now?

The settlers all walk towards their homes, content with their new 'neighbour'. You pull out your fat-man and heartlessly proceed to nuke them, loot their corpses, then pay old man Harrison a visit.
Harrison: You did a good job son... They were teaching the kids here to kill, and inbreed and all sortsa bad stuff. You're a shining light son. I'll take care of the kids now; teach them the good old ways and get them proper partners, so they don't fuck eachother and such. You have liberated Andale!
Kids: yaaaaaaay
You: Any reward for this..?
Harrison: Well... no, but you've made Andale a better place. For us.
-You take out Harrison with an epic headshot. His skull explodes over the kids.
You: LOLOLOL

You leave and continue on towards Rivet City....
--------------------********-------------------------------------------********-------***--------------------------
Chapter 5: Pure Madness

After fighting off a bear, a protectron, a team of raiders, some super mutants, a sentry bot, talon company mercs and several mirelurks, you swim across a large stretch of radioactive water and then stumble towards the entrance of Rivet City; A large, inhabited ship thats bow has split off and is guarded by... guards.
As you are walking towards the entrance platform, you hear a familiar voice...
Voice: Please.... Some water.... help me, please....
You: omg wtf
Beggar: Just some water... Please.
You: Sorry pal, but your mate fucked that for you.
Beggar: Please..... help me... water....
You: Look, I use stimpacks. I don't carry water anymore. It's lame.
Beggar: ......please......
You crouch down right next to the beggar until you are unseen, then whip out a hand-held chainsaw and snap his head off.
You: That felt strangely good. Yeah, fuck you, beggar.
You then continue to pop his legs off, loot his corpse, then head on into the ship.
You spend one and a half hours trying to locate the science lab your Dad is in, meeting lots of peculiar people along the way, and thieving loads of their stuff until you finally find it. And enter it.
Dad: Oh, hi son.
You: Hi.
Science team: ..........(Is that his son?)
Dad: Well, it turns out that the place our big science project was at is now infested with super mutants. You will have to guide us there and kill everything, then as it happens, do mostly everything else for us after that. Cool?
You: Well,
Dad: Excellent! We'll meet you outside for our little 'escort service', heh.... Come on, science team, let's get the fuck out of here now.
Science team: Come on then,... what's your name?
You: Captain Fucksacks.
Science team: Did you really name him that, James?
Dad: Yeah! Lol
Science Team: LOL!
You: (Stare at floor)

You all exit and run about 500 yards towards the Jefferson Memorial where the project is happening. You kill a bunch of super mutants, then go inside.
A super mutant starts shooting your face off, so you explode his head with a shotgun and carry on exploding mutie heads until you realize no-ones following you.
You go back outside to find them all standing about, kicking their heels.
You: Well... wtf are you waiting for?
Alex Dargon: You must kill all the mutants first. We're scientists, not soldiers!
You: Who the flying FUCK are you?
Dad: Hurry up, son. We're getting bored out here.
You: ...............
-You return and blast everything that moves until the scientist pussies are pleased. They all casually wander in and resume their places at PROJECT PURITY, which is a cylindrical chamber with wires and tubes and computers and the like, with a big water pipe in the middle around the statue of Thomas Jefferson. It can purify all of the wastelands main water supply, but only when it's fixed up and ready to go.

Dad: Right! woo! I'm back in business bay-bay! Fuck yeah.
You: woo... hoo
Dad: Son, a little more fucking enthusiasm? By purifying the main water supply, we can effectively save thousands of people, if not more! Good or what?
You: Well I've killed two beggars and two families, orphnaning two children amongst many other killings... so I don't really care.
Dad: Eh? Sorry, I wasn't listening - Right, go downstairs and fix something that one of us could fix quite easily.
You: I fucking hate you.

You go downstairs and get roundly shafted by lots of gung-ho super mutants.

Dad: Ok, so is that fixed?
You: Yes, but I got pumped by about ten super mutants!!!
Dad: Well... That's kind of why I sent you. chill out, son.
You: (grumbling resentments)
Dad: Ok, last but not least, turn a valve. In a tunnel.

You grumble off into the tunnel and turn the valve. Just then, a helicopter lands just outside and some troops get out and shoot your face a bit. You leave and end up getting attacked by the soldiers on your way back to the science team. You battle your way back to project purity to find your Dad, a woman scientist (Janice), two enclave soldiers and a strange man with a flat-top and a long coat, apparently named 'Colonel Autumn', all locked inside the chamber. You stand idly by with a couple of others and watch:
Dad: This is my fucking project! I just got it back......
Autumn: Just enter the activation code and hand the whole project over to me, or else I'll be giving you what for. Look -
-Autumn shoots Janice in the guts.
Janice: UUrggh!
Dad: Alright, alright. I'll just walk over here....type in the activation code, and HAH! YOU'LL FUCKING PAY NOW YOU SHITTERS!

The chamber fills with radiation. Everyone inside starts collapsing, including your Dad and Colonel Autumn. They all perish as the chamber turns green and the glass steams up. Your Dad crawls up to the glass:
Dad: Son... exit through the secret tunnel in the main hall upstairs. Hurry! .....Urghh! (thud)
You: Did he seriously just die there?
Scientist: Yep. I wonder how much Liam Neeson got paid for that.
You: ....?
---------------------*****------------------------------------------------------*************----------------------
CHAPTER 6: Shit-a-del

You, Dr. Li and some others run upstairs and enter the secret tunnelway.
Once inside you sloppily protect them from some feral ghouls and then some enclave soldiers, and move forward.
Out of the blue one of the guys starts having trouble...
Dr.Li: We can't go on!
You: FFS...
Dr.Li: Garza is having serious heart troubles and needs some of your shit to survive.
You: Which one's Garza?
Dr.Li: (Points to Garza)

You pull out your plasma rifle and promptly reduce him to a steaming pile of goo.
You: Anyone else got health issues? You wantin' fixed?
Everyone: ..........No.
You: Good.
You carry on with the scientists until you exit the tunnel. Outside, there's a big stadium, protected by the Brotherhood of Steel.
Dr. Li: Here we are - The Citadel.
You: Whatever. I came out here to find my Dad, now he's dead. I'll be off then.
Dr. Li:.....Are you fucking serious?
You: Serious as cancer, which incidentally I hope you get.
Dr. Li: But...we need you!
You: I've been running around for 8 days now. I need a shit.
Dr. Li: ............but
You take a few careful steps back, then nuke her. She is back on her feet after a minute.
You: erm.. wft?
Li: Try as you might to kill me with nukes, I cannot die. I have been granted immortality by the developers and therefore must remain in the story.
You: Fuck, I wasted a nuke.

You turn tail and flee back to Megaton, being attacked by bears all the way. Once back home, you buy a vending machine for your house and go to bed.
You wake up 9 days later with a niggling, irritating feeling in the back of your brain but you know it's not the infected teeth marks, it's.... a desire to finish your fathers gay quest.
-----------------****-----------------------------------------****------------------------------------------*--------
CHAPTER 7: Shit-a-del - Revisited

It is time to stock up on supplies, so you head to the rusty shack of Megaton's doctor, Doc Church, with some bottle caps ready.
Doc Church: You'd better have cancer, or I ain't fixin' you.
You: Nice to meet you too, I want some stimpacks.
Doc Church: Hmm...
You: Just fucking sell me stimpacks already.
-You buy 27 stimpacks, and in return you trade him 4 cartons of cigarettes, a lazer rifle, pre war money, several chems and hundreds of rounds of ammunition, completely humping his monetary situation.
Doc Church: You've wiped me out! I have no caps left..
You: Get it up you.
-You then push the doctor into the corner of another room where he can't see you, and swiflty raid his desk. You leave with a smile on your weird face.
After tipping over the two-headed cow a few times, you leave Megaton and make your way carefully back to the citadel. You only get killed seven times.
Outside the citadel, Dr.Li is standing with a heavily-armoured Brotherhood of Steel guard, who doesn't like the look of you. His armour is pretty darn cool.
Dr. Li: It's about time - let's do this.
You: Did you stand here and wait for me for nearly ten days?
Dr. Li: Yep. Now I need a shit! LOL.
You: ugh
Guard: I don't like the look of him, Li..
Dr. Li: No, he's ok. Well, apart from being a disfigued, cold-blooded bastard. Besides, you know his Dad - James the scientist.
Guard: That's his son? Holy fuck! That guy got laid just once in his entire life, and look what happens! How is that guy anyway?
You: Dead.
Guard: Yeah, that sounds like him alright, haha. On you go.
The gates open upward. You and Li enter the citadel courtyard, and are greeted by the leader of the Brotherhood of Steel, Owyn Lyons, and his cute, armour clad daughter, Sarah.
Owyn: Well, you made it. Welcome. We must destroy some bastards, and purify all the wastelands water supply. Any questions?
You: Can I wear some of that cool armour?
Owyn: Power armour? I suppose. Talk to Gunny. Goodbye.

You find Gunny at the other end of the courtyard, which is full of initiates training for battle.
Gunny: Wurd up G.
You: Can you teach me the ways of the power armour, oh wise one?
Gunny: Sure can, G. Stand still.
-The screen goes black for a moment, then fades back in.
Gunny: That's you done, money.
You: WTF?

After harassing a bunch of Brotherhood members, you find a man named Rothchild, who tells you to go to Vault 87 to recieve a GECK - a Something.. Environmental Creation Kit, which is probably the only thing that can get the purifier up and running proper-style for some reason.
The main entrance of Vault 87 is a heavily irradiated nuclear crater, so you must instead travel through a tunnel system at the nearby cave settlement Little Lamplight.
So you give a one-finger salute to the citadel and leave. Outside, you check your map.
You: Aw naaw it's miles away..
Guard: Why don't you just fast travel there?
You: Fuck off.

You micromanage your shit for half an hour and push forward, towards Little Lamplight.
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CHAPTER 8: For Fawke's Sake

After running for three hours through the wasteland, you arrive near the middle of the map, in the desolate remains of a small town. There is a metro station that reads: 'Jury Street Metro'. You inspect an old diner, which has human limbs inexplicably strewn around on the counter and the floor. This is a fairly standard sight by now, so you raid the cash register and leave. Once outside, you nose around for anything worth taking, and end up down a hillside at a strange tunnel entrance, blocked off with rubble. Around it are blood stained girders sticking up from the ground, string bags full of organs and limbs, and a few cages made from shopping carts and barbed wire. Normal.
Inside one of the cages is a teddy bear, looking at you. You open the cage to inspect it, and as expected, find that it's a teddy bear. Nothing more.
You turn around to find a GIGANTIC SUPER MUTANT thundering towards you!!
You: FUUUUUUUUUU
It is three storeys tall, green, wielding an (oddly) massive fire hydrant-on-a-pole and coming at you with a mindless rage. You fill your scuds.
You whip out the fat-man. There is only one nuke left.
You: EAT SHIT MUTHAFUCKAAA

You launch the mini-nuke towards the lumbering beast, which is now about 100 feet away from your position. The nuke hurtles steadily into the legs of the giant bastard, crippling them. It still has half it's health left.
You: aw fuck..
The mutant walks painfully towards you swinging his weapon. You make a dash for it back up to Jury Street so you can take aim with your chinese assault rifle.
You start taking shots into his massive ugly face as he limps after you, and after 12 full clips, you're out of rifle ammo and he's still got a third of his health left.
You: .....I hate this place.

You decide to just keep running with the monster following you, towards Little Lamplight. After a while a deathclaw runs up to slash you but you just keep moving, letting the big guy take care of him. You look behind you to see the deathclaw flying off the monster's fist and into the sunset.
Eventually, you arrive at a rocky cave entrance. The sign reads 'Little Lamplight'.
The big bastard finally wangs you in the back, pinging you straight into the cave.

In the cave, you limp down a stoney walkway, leaving a trail of blood and spinal fluid until you come to a closed gateway.
As you approach it, an 11 year old boy pops out from above it and points a rifle at you. It's a city of kids. You sigh deeply to yourself.
''Don't move or I'll blow yer fucking head off'!!''
You run around on the spot
''I'm the mayor of this here underground paradise. Mayor MacCready. And I don't let mungo's like you in. Fuck off.
You: You mean 'Mongo'. It's mongo. trust me.
Mac: STFU N00b
You: Yes sir.. Look, I need to get through your cave system and into Vault 87, so I can save the wasteland. I won't steal much of your shit, just let me through. I've had my spine snapped by an oversized fire hydrant.
Mac: Nah. Go and save my friends from Paradise Falls, mungo. Then I'll see.
You: Aw, for fu.. Oh wait, I have the child at heart perk.
Mac: Oh right, cool, come in!

The gate rumbles open, and you run past, shooting kids all the way.

MacCready opens another makeshift gate for you, leading to 'Murder Pass'.

Mac: Sound's scary, but really it's just a linear path with some super-mutants and a couple of skill books. Have fun.
You: Whatever.

You slog your way through about 10 super-mutants and arrive in one of the lower levels of Vault 87.
Working your way to the G.E.C.K, you shotgun many a mutant until you reach a room full of test chambers, One of which is inhabited by an unusually docile super-mutant with a dodgy voice and light blue attire, called 'Fawkes'.
Fawkes: HHELPP MMEEGGH 2 EESHKAAPEE AGND OOILL GEET THER GECCK FURR YOUUGHH.
You: Alright. Why are you so friendly?
Fawkes: WWERLL, AII WAAS CREEAGHTED HEEER IN THHIS VAUGHLT, AHHND SOOMETHIENG WEGHNT WRHOUGN AHHN-
You: That's plenty.
You run round the corner, kill two mutants, flick some switches to open all the chambers and subsequently kick the shit out of all the other test subjects and return to Fawkes.
Fawkes: OIGM FRRIEE!!! ROOIGHT, LUTS GEGHT THOT GECK!
You: Lead the way, you freaky fucker!

Fawkes sloowly trundles forward with you running circles round him, both of you dispatching the occasional mutant along the way towards the GECK.
You: can you kind of.. hurry the fuck up a bit?

You both reach a room full of radioactivity, in mainly gas form. It is practically deadly. Fawkes kindly rumbles on into the room to get the GECK, and returns with it in his big green mitts.
You: Nicely done. Well, let's get the fuck out of here. You can protect me from stuff.
Fawkes: NOO HYUUMINN, YYOUW ARRHHE GOOWING TOO GEEGHHT AMMBUHHSHED BYY THHE GGOOY WHHO DOOIID WIIGHTH YOOWR FOOUGTHER HHEE WWIELL TAYKE THHE GECKK. OII CAANNOT BEE IHN THHAT COGHT-SSCENNE.
You: .... Is that a no?
Fawkes: YOS
You: Well, bye then.
Fawkes: BOYY.

You run down the corridor into a hall, where you are roundly ambushed by the guy you thought died in the chamber with your Dad, and have the GECK annoyingly stolen from you. The screen goes blank as you lose a large chunk of your soul.

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CHAPTER 9: Exploding the President

You awaken bound inside a technological tube with Colonel Autumn staring at you.
Autumn: Right, you little twat - tell me the access code for the purifier!
You: Wait, didn't you die in the chamber?
Autumn: Didn't you see me sticking myself with a needle as I was dying?
You: No.
Autumn: Well I did, and that saved me somehow. TELL ME THE CODE
You:....7-0-4.
Autumn: heh heh... (he pulls out his radio and commands a soldier back at the chamber) The code is 7-0-4.
Soldier: Ok boss, 7...0...4!
-Autumns eyes light up
Soldier: UUrrghh! Awwghh!!! ... Urr.. UUgh!! *Thud*
You: LOLZ!
Autumn: You fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking CUNT

Just then, a robotic eye on the wall looks at Autumn, then tells him to fuck off.
Autumn begrudgingly fucks off.
Eye: Well well sonny. All your shit is in that locker there. Come and meet me, I'm the president.
You: The president. Of course.

You grab all of your shit from the locker and exit into a set of very technologically textured corridors (pipes). Before you reach the end, Colonel Autumn sends out a message on the tannoy for all the soldiers to kill you on sight.
You: (have a quick nervous breakdown)

You start shooting soldier after solider until you come to a big sciencey hall with massive test tubes holding various wasteland creatures such as the deathclaw and the feral ghoul. You shoot some scientists and get lost in a tangled maze of similar looking corridors until you end up in the right direction, killing soldiers all the way. After some quality headshots, you find some stairs leading up around a big machine. You run around and up to the top and turn around to find a big computer monitor looking at you.

Eden: Hello young sonny, I am President Eden.
You: Fair enough.
Eden: ......
You: ..........
Eden: So, that Colonel Autumn's quite a cunt, isn't he?
You: Yes. He really is.
Eden: .........
You: ...........
Eden: Sonny, can you infect all of the Capital Wasteland's water supply for me?
You: Well that's kind of the opposite of everything my Dad would have wanted for project purity. So yes.
Eden:........smashing. Here is the F.E.V virus. The lads are going to project purity with the GECK now, so go and stop them or whatever.
You: Erm... have you thought about NOT being a president? You're a computer, so... it's not really right is it? You should step down. or something
Eden: Yeah, I never thought of it like that sonny. Hmm. ok then.
SELF DESTRUCT IN T-MINUS 5 MINUTES
You: What a nice guy.

You escape the mountain compound, shooting lazers into the faces of everything that moves until you reach the exit, and upon leaving the mountain base, everything behind you starts exploding - epic style.
As you casually walk away from the the booming inferno, you see good old Fawkes shooting some stuff for you.
Fawkes: HEELLOO HYUUMIN!
You: Word up! Just killed the president. sort of
Fawkes: AII MUSST THHANHK YOOUW, OII HOVV NEEYVIRR FEEHLLT LIIYKE THHIHS ENN MOIIY LOOYHFE!!! OYY LUVV IHTT!
You: Well... Why don't you come help me fight my way to the Citadel?
Fawkes: NOO. NOGHT WIYTHH YOOWR TRACHK REHCURRD.
You: oh. Right.
Fawkes: OIIL BE ORFF THEHHN HYUUMIN!! BOYY
You: yeah, don't mention it.

Hanging your misshapen melon head, you shuffle down the mountain and towards the Citadel once again...

------------------------------------------*********-------------------------------------*******---------------------
CHAPTER 10: Liberty Grime

After being bear-raped and dealt bodily grievance from many other denziens of the wasteland, you eventually arrive in front of the citadel in a pool of your own blood. You stick yourself with four stimpacks and then proceed towards the science labs.

Once inside, you go down the stairs only to find pretty much every member of the Brotherhood of Steel standing around Owyn Lyons, who is giving some sort of pep talk.
Owyn: Go out and fight for your right to wear that armour with pride. Go and kill the enclave. Take the gigantic robot Liberty Prime with you, cause he will do all the work for you, then take the Purifier back! Can I get a Woop?
Everyone: woop!

You get given some brotherhood power armour, but you refuse it as you are already wearing a suit of enclave armour.
Outside, every available Brotherhood of Steel soldier is ready and toting guns behind Liberty Prime, a massive robot designed to crush communists and cunts alike. You all begin advancing towards the Jefferson Memorial to save project purity.
Enclave soldiers all pop out on the path ahead and fire stuff at you, but before you can say 'eat shit mutherfucker', Liberty Prime explodes them with his lazer eyes, casually muttering about defeating commies.
And so it goes, with about fifteen of you brazenly following - the giant robot lazers the shit out of everything enclave all the way through part of the decrepit city, then right up to Jefferson Memorial. About ten Brotherhood soldiers still manage to die though, and you were inexplicably shot several times despite the fact you were wearing the enclave armour.
You and the cute Sarah Lyons leave the big robo-cock and enter the Memorial where you are met with various enclave soldiers, with whom you steadily evaporate with your lazer guns. You leave numerous of piles of ash in your wake.

You and Lyons enter the basement door to Project Purity.
Upon entering, you are greeted by who else - Colonel Autumn, with two gatling lazer toting enclave goons.
You: Aw come on..
Autumn: This is your last chance, sackbags. Give up the code.
You:...No, you TOTAL FANNY. And it's Fucksacks. Captain Fucksacks!!!

At this, you fail a couple of speech challenges then opt to take Autumns head clean off his shoulders in one anti-climatic shot from your sawn-off.
You and Sarah dispose of the remaining guards, then walk up to the chamber.

Sarah: One of us has to go in and activate the code.
You: Where the fuck is my Dad's corpse? Wtf who took it?
Sarah: (cough)
You: Well, what? Can I not just wear some radiation gear and pop some rad-X ?
Sarah: (solemnly shakes her head)
You: Well, you do it then. Oh, wait I need to pop this F.E.V virus thing into the system just before you do so it infects all the water. -There.
Sarah: .................................
Sarah: Well, I guess this is it. I'll be doing this for a good cause at least.
You: Yep. Well I'm not fucking dying any time soon. I want to get some shit for my house and do some side missions.
Sarah:................ You are a total, absolute, one-hundred percent mega CUNT. I hope all your limbs are plucked from your torso and you get your balls kicked right off by a super mutant brute.
You:.............stfu and get in the chamber.

Sarah enters the chamber. The doorway closes behind her and she walks up to the control panel. She enters the code 2-0-6, then falls to the floor dead.
Sarah: Urrghh!

The screen goes blank, and a shit grainy sepia tone montage of wasteland scenes plays out over Liam Neeson's stern voice, telling you how much of a fucking dick you were throughout the main quest.

The credits roll, then you are brought back to the main menu with the words 'New Game' staring back at you.

-You slap your head into your hands and die inside.

**********GAME**OVER********************************************************************

-Magnus McFarlane 2010.