Homeless

Sometimes after a perfectly normal day
Spent doing perfectly normal things
After I’ve blended in quite well
And integrated without a ripple
And done such things as an ordinary person might do
I just find myself walking
On these occasions I never notice the sun go down
All of a sudden it’s just down
I don’t know how it got there
Or where it went
The streets are different somehow
It’s not just the darkness
Or the silent, shut down houses
Or the shops with their doors bolted and locked
It’s a separation
It’s knowing I don’t have a place
It’s knowing I don’t have a direction
Most of the people I see out there at night
They are different from me
Because they are going somewhere
They hurry and scurry in a certain way
I am aimless
They have a key in their pocket
I am keyless
They have people waiting for them
I am alone
I don’t know how I came to this
I guess I made it this way
This situation is my own device
This solitary place without a place
And I don’t know what the other people have
That I don’t have
I just know that the streets look different
And that I look down rather than into their faces
I hurry along as though I too have a destination
As though I also have open arms waiting
And a window glowing yellow somewhere
And someone glancing often at their watch
Worried sick with their brow all crinkled up
Wondering where I am
And whether I am safe
But the truth is that I don’t have anyone
Nobody is concerned if I don’t arrive by a certain time
It’s something most people just take for granted
It’s just the difference between us
And night time is when I feel it the most
Although I will never let it show
I don’t know why it matters to me
When it doesn’t matter to any of them
The kids leaving the pub
They frittered their money on booze
Me… I would never spend my money like that
Great big wads of cash being handed over the bar
Laughter and money and spilled drinks
Pub prices without a second thought
If I bought a drink it would be to take away
And drink in a quiet place
I would get my money’s worth
And when I finished I would be drunk
But not too drunk to walk
Because there is nobody to pick me up
It’s a fine line I admit… very close to the edge
But I am used to walking on the edge
I am never afraid to be female, alone, in a dark street
Maybe I should be
Because I am the easiest to hurt
And nobody would notice me gone
Yet… the people who would hurt me
Are the ones that keep me safe
The baddest of the bad are the strongest allies I have
The ones who would attack me
Are the ones I would run to for help
They know this, I know this, and in this knowledge I am safe
For now