The Civil War Redacted

A Philosophical and Geographical Compromise Between Liberals and Conservatives

Compromise is defined as finding agreement through communication with a mutual acceptance of terms. Yet, there are many places on this earth where cultural battles are being fought with virtually no clear victor. The Middle East, most of Africa, bits of Asia and the Far East are embroiled in political and financial change.

During the presidency of Dwight David Eisenhower, war weary citizens and clear minded politicians pulled together for a national healing and promising future.Tolerance and conciliation highlighted a time of gradual return to prosperity.

The electronic age has ushered in a new era of disparity and disagreement. Compromise has been replaced by savage attacks. Fighting for the hearts and minds of voters, the Left and the Right will not ever agree on what is good and decent for this nation. The time has come, like dust, to shake off our idealogical differences and form two equal but separate unions.

Splitting physical and remaining assets will be a daunting task, however, each side has become so radically different that lifestyle choices are already in place. Let's examine some choices that the "reds" and the "blues" have already made.

Taxes which redistribute wealth are the domain of the Liberals, so they can keep that on their list. Add to that, the majority of judges in this country and the American Civil Liberties Union. Because you have come to despise war, conservatives will take the military, police, the NRA and allow its supporters to have all the firearms they desire.

The Blue team of Rosie, Alec Baldwin, Oprah, Madonna, Michael Moore and Brangelina will win some of the time providing they can find an eco-friendly biodegradable method of transportation capable of moving nearly a ton of baggage that goes with their domain.

For the Reds, Wal-mart and Wall Street, those hated icons of capitalism, along with greedy corporate America and its leadership will dominate the Red Zone. The Blue Zone will be blessed with its much loved homeless, the neo-hippies left over from the Vietnam era, the hood and its homeboys running the show and all the illegal aliens that have transformed this country into what it has become. The neocons posse will be red hot soccer moms, dedicated small business owners and rednecks toting their Bibles.

The fearless leader of the Blue squad can bow, scrape and apologize to countries who owe us their very existence, while not even showing reverence to the flag of the free. Picnics with the leaders of Iran, Russia and Palestine will delight the war protesters and peaceniks who dominate Washington thinking. When our allies and our way of life is under assault, we will provide security for our own and those who stand with us for freedom.

How about the Red team of the late Reverend Falwell,O'Reilly, Pat Robertson, Hannity, Rudy G (the hero of 9-11), Ted Nugent and, of course, Gary Sinese who values our troops more than his own career. Good luck matching up Martin Sheen, Barbra, Mr & Mrs. Tim Robbins and Sean Penn.

We shall proudly sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic, our National Anthem and any holiday melody with a religious theme. We will gladly cede you ownership of Imagine, We are the World, Kumbaya, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing and any environmental marching song that you Blue folks desire.

Most of all we want to retain our Judeo-Christian values. We'll gladly wave goodbye to Islam, Scientology, Reverend Moon and kooks like Shirley MacLain. We are extremely proud of our history, good and bad, and wish it to be correctly taught to future generations-in concert with symbols like our flag. We are aware that this offends you but you have the right to create your own version of United States history like Senator Kerry did with his war record. Colonel Oliver North, like many, chose the dirt path to accomplish his country's mission. And finally, pressing one for English will be outlawed in the Conservative world.