Nothing

A glimpse at the clock tells me
It is time
To go to bed
The thoughts circling through my brain
Tell me that sleep
Is not an option tonight
Thoughts racing rapidly through
I can feel the neurons shooting back
And forth like fireworks
Can’t focus on any one subject
Too long because my mind won’t
Allow it…I’m tired.
Disorganized, random,
Without reason they all speak at once
I’m not crazy
Attempts to focus on one task
At times fail, though desire
And ambitious energy paralyzes me
This was not what I had planned
When I was young…in fact, I never
Had a plan at all
Journeys of misfortune, carelessness
And worry carved the path I have followed.
Never a goal established or a dream fulfilled
Until now
Independence serves me well
My passion for achieving dreams and
Overcoming obstacles is fully alive
I am driven to do what my body allows
Though never wanting it to end
This is the strongest I’ve felt in my life
And I love who I have become
More than what she thought I’d be
More than nothing…
Allowing innate desires to possess my soul
A friend appears with an ulterior motive
Though heartfelt
We have common struggles for a time
Comfort is needed; solace is delight
For we both have lost an important person
In our lives, but we know the feeling
Is temporary…unless
We choose to let it consume us
Passion ignites the fire that has
Been dormant for years
Young, naïve, and foolish
With no specific purpose I was
Following a path I knew.
The one she showed me long ago
It was all I knew of the role model
That showed me the way
To destroy myself and everyone
Around me
Possessed by liquor
Controlled by lust
My intuition was weak yet
Very strong – I knew that what I was doing
Was right…for me
Coming full circle has been a tough lesson
Life wasn’t supposed to be this way
But who said it was supposed to be any way?
Shunned for the decisions I made
I finally had it … the freedom to be me
And be loved for it
I thought
There was no real love, true love
Anywhere for me
But it was everywhere
For those of us seeking
Just to be loved for a night
Driven by the temptation
To be free, satisfied, depressed,
Disappointed; used and spat out
Like a piece of gum – the flavor gone
I begged for it; where did it originate?
Too many lost years
Not remembered, not cherished
The treasures I sought had been mine
Too blind to see; too numb to feel
Too ignorant to hear
I had them and pushed them away…
Flashing forward self destruction
Who am I?
Where am I?
What am I?
She defined me …
Nothing!
What does it take
For a wounded heart to heal?
Does it ever?
How would it feel?
Running fast yet crawling
At a snail’s pace
Not finding fulfillment in
Anything, nothing, everything
…even now
So much older, wiser too
Life experience has been unkind
But I shall not dwell
In the past, but move forward
With zest and zeal
Approaching the end of
Another chapter and beginning
Anew
It is not there any more
Where has it gone?  Repressed, concealed
Demons surfacing again
Crying for help; attempting to end
The things that frighten my spirit
Hiding, curling fetus, she’s in control
Again!
Physical pain, emotional turmoil,
Hate…fear…angry…afraid
It never ends; embedded like a bar code
In my brain
To destroy me, declare me
Nothing!
Resistance is futile
Desire waning
Giving in to the darkness
Isolating, deceiving myself
Depriving myself, deceiving others
What is happening and why does it
Seem so much stronger now?
Brainstorming reasons, many
Considering faults, many more
Self loathing, self destruction
Hatred approaching
From beneath where it resides
Waiting patiently to explode
Resentment at the core
Everyone, anyone
No one
Me