So Bad

The spark of the lighter and the cigarette's answering flare are the only light that separates his face from the darkness. His piercing eyes, with a flame of their own, bore into mine.

"Didn't expect to see you here," I say, my soft words echoing in the silence.

He laughs, blowing cigarette smoke in my face. He's closer than I'd realized. "Yes, you did. What else are you doing on the dock this late?"

"The power outage..." I murmur, balancing myself atop the rail. "It reminded me--"

"Of what?" he sneers, pinching out the light. I wince as the darkness completes itself.

I take a deep breath of the cool, dark lake air. I smell the rain about to fall and the electricity to come with it. "Why are you out this late?" I ask softly, peering out over the water. I resist the urge to look at him.

"Smoking, obviously," he says, but the cocky edge to his voice is gone.

I glance back at him, but his eyes, too, are out over the water. My eyes have adjusted now, and the wan moonlight casts his face in high contrast. The lights that usually shine around the lake are out, making me feel like we're the only two people on earth. I resist the urge to run. There is a far-off rumble of thunder and my skin begins to itch.

His eyes are far away, but under his breath he hums the same guitar song that has been playing on loop in my head. He remembers too.

"There's nothing I wouldn't do right now to be sure I don't lose you this time." I sing the Making April lyrics softly.

His head snaps around to look at me. He hadn't realized he'd been humming it aloud. "You'd better get home. I'm sure your mommy and daddy are wondering where you are." His voice is mocking.

I swing my leg back over the rail and turn to face him. "Maybe I don't give a damn about what my mommy and daddy think. Maybe that's why I'm out here in the first place."

"Or maybe you're out here because you're still a pathetic little daydreamer who can't bear to face reality."

My throat is tight. "You're right. It is getting late," I say, jumping down from the rail.

He catches my hand as I storm past him and I flinch at his touch. "Callouses," he murmurs, feeling my fingertips. "Since when do you play guitar?"

I don't turn. "Since when do you care?"

He lets go as though I've burned him, and I flex my hand to rid it of his touch. Then it returns to playing the chords in the air of the song whose lyrics are still running through my mind. I miss you so bad, I miss you so, so bad. I had made myself bleed learning to play it. My feet plant themselves. I can't make it off the dock.

"I don't know why you started smoking," I say suddenly. "You have such a beautiful voice."

I can hear his shrug in the silence. "It calms me down."

I turn and look at him. "Even though nicotine is a stimulant?"

He rolls his eyes and gives me his old "you're-such-a-dork" look. "Yes, Carey, even though nicotine is a stimulant."

I try to ignore the fact that this is the first time he's called me by my name in months. "I thought you wanted to be a singer."

He shrugs again. "Things change. People change."

I can't stop myself from touching his arm. "You don't." He's exactly the kind of boy I always promised myself I would never fall for. Nose ring, devastating blue eyes, an uncanny knack for driving my parents up the wall. He's always been the tortured artist type, writing songs as naturally as he breathes. He can make me feel like the prettiest girl in the world with just a few carefully placed words.

His eyes are hard. He can break my heart just as easily.

"Stop trying, Carey. I'm different and so are you. And nothing you say can change that."

I swallow. It's remarkable how much this night looks like the last one we spent here, before everything changed. My weak eyes have finally fully adjusted to the darkness, and I can see a faint sadness hidden behind the wall in his eyes. "Just tell me why. Why are you different? What changed? What did I do wrong?" My stomach hurts with the lack of closure. One day, he just told me that I was a stupid little girl and that he didn't want me anymore. And until now, I haven't been sure whether it was true. Now that I see his lie, I want to know why.

His eyes flash with something that I can't identify. "It's in the past, Carey. Over. Done. It doesn't matter anymore." But the composure that he's carefully pieced together is beginning to crack, and I see the first hint of who he really is begin to show through.

I remember now what we talked about that night. It started out normal, just the stars, the weather, the song we wanted to write about what the nights here look like. But then we started playing the secret game, taking turns telling each other things we'd never told anyone else. He told me he was afraid of spiders, I admitted my fear of elevators. He told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever met. I told him I loved him.

He'd been arrested later that night in conjunction with some vandalism, but it wasn't his fault. He had stupid friends who'd let him take the blame. I found out all that later, though. At the time, he'd only spoken to me to break up with me. Since then, the only things he's said have been biting, cutting, and cruel. Until tonight.

I walk back to the railing and lean against it. There's thunder in the distance. "It rained the last time we were out here, too. You remember?" I ask softly, not expecting an answer.

"I'll hurt you," he says, the words sounding like they cause him pain to say.

I don't turn even though his response surprises me. I pick my words carefully before I speak. "That's a hard thing to do anymore." But I know he can still manage it.

"It's not right, Carey. Girls like you aren't meant for boys like me. I'm a troublemaker." He doesn't say it like he used to, proud and cocky. He says it like an apology.

The turn of the conversation confuses me. Is that really why he ended it? Because he thought he was doing it for my own good? "I guess you're right. People do change. I'm a lot more like you than I used to be." I will my voice to stay steady.

Before I can understand the situation, his arms are snaking around my waist. "That's what I was afraid of," he whispers in my ear. I can't suppress how happy I am to be in his arms again. Beneath the acrid smell of cigarette smoke, there's still his smell, his smell of cologne and old t-shirts.

I will never understand his logic. I will never understand how, after months of treating me like the scum of the earth, his defenses can somehow shatter into a million pieces that sink to the bottom of the lake. But at this moment, I can't bring myself to care about logic. All I can do is turn my head and stare into his hypnotic blue eyes.

I look right and you stare back, and I'm finding refuge in your eyes. There's nothing I wouldn't do right now to be sure I don't lose you this time.

The piercing light I could always find in his eyes is resurfacing, along with all the mischief and trouble and beauty that I used to know better than anything else in the world. The corners of his lips curl up into a smile as the first raindrop hits my nose.

"I don't know how to do this," he admits.

"Do what?"

"This." He waves his arms widely and I smile. I've missed his huge gestures. "I'll hurt you again. I'll get you in trouble. I'll make you hate me."

The rain begins to fall in earnest now, making thousands of little ripples across the surface of the lake. I kiss the lips of the only boy I've ever loved and in my mind's eye, I can see the light of stars sparkling across the rippling water. When I let go of him, I say, "You're not the only one who can make trouble." He barely has time to look confused before I send him flying over the railing into the lake.

I'm already soaked to the skin from the rain as he races out of the water, vowing revenge. He's so much faster than me that it takes no time at all before he catches up to me and makes me shriek with laughter. Then he holds me tight in his arms and murmurs the soft words I've longed to hear for so long. "I love you."

I don't know how we'll do it. I don't know how we'll make this work. But I know we will. He was wrong about one thing: some things really don't ever change.

Cause I missed you so bad, I missed you so so bad. And I need you so bad. I need you so, so bad, I need you so bad.