The Wraith Poses Once

Word count: 1826, The prompts that inspired this story were the two quotes one at the beginning and one at the end. The picture prompts rain reminds me of tears. The other inspired the title and some of the darker portions of the story.

Seneca said, “Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember.“ That is not always the case. A dream is not always a pleasant thing. Even one that someone wishes for, hopes for, and works for. The lights that seemed so bright and just out of reach, are better left that way. Screaming would not help at this point.

I was a mother of a very beautiful girl. All her life, she dreamed of being a model. She wanted it more than breathing. She seemed to be practicing her modeling poses from the time she could walk. I was not a stage mom, so I never put her into all those baby contests. I felt like they were a fraud to get parents to push their children into something that they wanted more than the child did.

She was the one that entered them when she was old enough to send in her first pictures. She pushed herself. I was as supportive as I could be. I also made sure she would eat. I know and read all the medical papers that told all the horror stories of girls that diet and all the things young girls did to themselves trying to become “beautiful.” I naively thought that I was preventing those sorts of things with, ‘My Daughter’. She would never do any of that she was way too smart.

We were close. We worked on her portfolio together. We must have taken hundreds of pictures. I remember watching her pose. The smiles and pouting looks she would give. They all seemed to come naturally to her. I remember lecturing her whenever she would comment on looking FAT in a picture. I also remember all the time we took studying nutrition and reading labels so she would not get anything that would cause her to gain those extra pounds. The rest of the family thought it was crazy, how hard we both worked out and worked on everything that seemed to be just for her.


Then the phone call came. Samantha was in a comma in the hospital. Out of nowhere, I had no clue. She dropped over at a photo shoot. I remember waking up and walking around in a daze, thinking that this was all a bad dream. I never dreamed I needed help with her. Why would I. Samantha, a brilliant mind and beautiful body everything that a mother would want. When she had left home to fulfill her contract, at the modeling agency at the age of nineteen, I was sure she would keep on living the way I had taught her by, watching her weight with natural foods and a balanced diet. Whenever she called and sounded so alive, so happy. Everything was going her way. She had several times arranged to come home to visit and things would just come-up. How was I to know that she was putting it off?

I flew to California to the hospital in Santa Maria, where she was. As I arrived, the nurses were just coming out of the room. They greeted me at the door and did not want to let me go in. They said that there had been several people trying to get into see her that they had to have several forcibly removed. They let me in, but only after I'd spent thirty minutes proving that I was who I had already said. When I finally got in the room all I could do was stand slack jawed at the sight of the girl in the bed. I had to be dreaming. This was a nightmare. Samantha was not this wraith in that hospital bed. I almost could not recognize my own daughter.

They had no answers as to why she was in this condition. When I pulled myself together, I left to see if I could find out. I went to the modeling agency she was working for first. They had no real answers for me. They said she was always within her agreed weight clause. When they said that, I could not believe my ears. A weight clause, it made me angry. I went to her apartment and found her journal. I could not stand to be away from her on what might be her last breath, so I took the journal and went back to the hospital.

This is what I found in her journal.

Monday May 24
Metra, our nurse got a new job. While I am happy for her, I am really sad to see her go. I hope that whomever they get to take her place has half the heart that she does. She gave me her email address and told me to make sure I kept up with her on Facebook page. We ate lunch together that afternoon and I could not believe the portion sizes she was eating. I thought she was a nurse.


Tuesday May 25
The modeling agency announced today, we would start weighing in on Friday’s and that we would be doing it in front of each other now. They wanted us to encourage each other to stay trim and looking fabulous. I am not really that thrilled about it. A few of the girls left in tears. I can only imagine that they are too close to their weight limits. We are supposed to stay within five pounds of our perfect height weight limits and of course, less is always more as they say. The smaller girls always get more modeling jobs than anybody else does. Even without knowing everyone's weight, everyone there knew that.

I skipped over to Friday’s entry of that week, as the writing on that day seemed to stand out.

Friday May 28
Today was our first group weigh-in, with our new nurse. He is nothing like Metra, well other than they would probably date the same person. Of course, he let us know that our bodies we were not his type and did not impress him. He would not cut us any slack just because he was a “man” and he actually used the quotes in the air as if we would not understand if he didn’t. Every one of us got a horrible remark when he weighed us. I thought I could handle it when I got up there. He started with me before I got on the scale. He looked me over and asked me how I had ever gotten a modeling contract with as fat as I was. Then when he weighed me, he added two pounds to the amount that was on the scale. That put me close to my contract weight. I had never been that close. I knew that he was pushing all our buttons. I had just never come that close. I could not afford to lose my contract. When I left, I went to the scheduled shoot and then I skipped my lunch so I could hit the gym. I worked out until an hour before my next shoot. After that shoot I went home, had a diet shake and hit the gym for another couple of hours before bed. I knew that Monday I would have to weigh again since I was so close to the limit of the contract. It would be everyday now until I was five or maybe even ten pounds under the contract weight.

Saturday May 29
Today I felt so tired. I was supposed to call my mom today. I know that she is looking forward to hearing from me, but I just could not sound ‘up’ when I called so I just sent her an email. I made myself workout today. I worked out for four hours. I hope this helps. It should. I know that most of this is probably just water weight. I decided not to eat today and have water and a diet shake. I mean people fast and they are just fine.

Sunday was almost a repeat of Saturday. Monday was a repeat of Friday. He added five pounds this time. She actually complained and they told her that she had to change her attitude. That Jerry was the best modeling nurse available. She did the gym and shake routine for the next week. Finally, she broke down and added a salad a day to her diet. She stopped losing weight.

Then something changed in her entries about a week after that.

Wednesday June 9
I cannot take anymore of this. I feel sick; I have to start eating right. I know that if I eat I will probably put on weight and I really don’t want to be in breach of my contract. I looked on the internet and found this add for a pill that guarantees I will lose two dress sizes in five days. I ordered it. I have not told anybody about this pill. I want to make sure it works before I tell any of the other girls about it.

Friday June 11
The pill finally arrived today, and I really don’t have a minute to spare. Jerry keeps adding that five pound on and I am right at the maxim weight. I am about to be put on suspension. They are allowing me to finish the next two weeks shoots but if I am still right on the button, I will not get anymore until they see my weight drop at least five pounds. Nobody believes that Jerry is adding the weight onto his report and no one will reweigh me. None of the other girls wants him to do it to them, so they will not speak up either. They are scared to lose the shoots they have. There is always someone else out there to take your spot.

Saturday June 12
I have weighed myself and I am under by ten pounds. Monday will be great. Even if he adds that five pounds, I will still be fine. This is awesome, and I FEEL GREAT!

The entries seemed to be happy for about ten days.

Wed June 22
I seemed to have kick started something in my system and I am not able to keep the weight on. Jerry did not even add any weight the last time I weighed. I seem to be eating all the time and nothing seems to be making any difference. I have two shoots tomorrow and in-between them I have a doctor’s appointment scheduled. I have the website written down in case they need to look at the ingredients of the pills. I just hope they can help.

Today is June 23; Samantha never made it to the appointment. She never came out of the coma.
Now I feel as if screaming is all that will make things right, of course I could never allow myself to scream except in my dreams.

“All the things one has forgotten scream for help in dreams.” ~Elias Canetti