Songfic "When it all comes down"

I know...

Some people think that it is harder to live a life filled with unrequited love if you never speaks with the person you love. They think that it is so hard to watch that person – think that it is hard to stay away.
They are wrong. The hardest thing ever is what I have to endure every day. The one I love is so close that I could reach out to her anytime. But if I did, she would stop seeing me as her best friend and leave me for all time.

...you know...

Sometimes she acted as if she knew about my feelings but not even once did she ask me the obvious question. “Are you a lesbian?”
Maybe I was. Maybe not. Maybe my I would live my entire life, just for her. And then I wouldn't be a lesbian, I would be someone that only had feelings for her.
I wanted to tell her every day – wanted her to know what I felt for her.

...we know.

Even though I love her was it a matter of course that we never ever could be together – she was the popular, hot chick with a lot of friends while I was... her scary friend. The only thing that kept the boys from molesting her.
But we all knew that I and Hikari was something that wasn't meant to be.

I'm pulling on myself a third time

When every single day is a fight, when every place is a battlefield and when your own heart is the betrayer it gets hard to find some good reasons to get up in the morning.
But in someway I do, every single day. Not even once did I let her down, she is way to important.

...it's absurd...

What I'm going through at least five days a week is impossible to bare. But in some weird way I manage to survive.
But if she all of sudden stops her smiling I would leave this world, as fast as possible. Without her there is no reason to stay.

...get up and go to work.

All I ever do is trying to make her happy, her smiling face is my reward.
I know that she has a special smile only for me – the one that says that we know everything about each other. But she doesn't know me as well as she think. And thank god for that, I guess...

Lately medicated...

There is more things that Hikari do not know about. She doesn't know about the wounds on my right arm. Usually you tell your best friend if you are depressed, but how could you ever tell if she was the reason? It would just be wrong...
It's better to just eat some pills that makes your heart feel lighter.

...sleep got an overrated.

I want to ask her if she ever been laying awake all night thinking about just one single person. I want to ask her so badly – but I'm to afraid of the answer.
What if she says yes? Would that mean that she love someone even more than she loves me?

Four star nominated...

And what if she actually was in love with someone?
Would I be number two? Would I be rated one star lower than her precious Mr. Loverboy? The thought was to awful to even exist.

... I'm perforated with confession...

I have to tell her sometime.
Maybe I should just get it over with. Yes! It should be the first thing that I told her when she entered my house! She should arrive in any minute now!
I have to gather my courage!

...obesssion, submission.

Or maybe I should just keep my mouth shut and adore her anyway?
It would probably be better if I let her decide about the course of events. But then I would never be able to touch her...

Popping prescriptions...

Love must be the most common illness in the whole world, so how come that there is no cure!
Without any love people would suffer less! Nobody would reflect about their inner feeling, they would just do stuff!
And you would never ever be heartbroken.

...in the kitchen...

“Kurai! I'm here now!”
Her voice was gentle, energetic and just completely lovely.
How could someone not love this person? If someone disliked her they must be suffering from some serious mental illness!

...hello I'm in here, just let yourself in...

She knew that I was in the kitchen. I was always in the kitchen when she arrived. It was just one of my strange habits.
Be in the kitchen when Hikari arrives...
“Hello”, I said when her face showed up in the doorway.
“Hi! How's it going?” What did she had in mind?
“Eh... what?”
“You are making cookies!” Always so happy, always so friendly and sometimes a little clueless.
“No I'm not?”
“But you are going to! Because I want to!” she said with a laugh.

Everything that you want...

Hikari wanted a lot of stuff...
She wanted friends, she wanted admires, she wanted good grades, she wanted to get along with her family and now she wanted cake.
All of the things that she wanted was stuff that she already had or could posses in basically no time at all.

...well it's never enough...

She had everything.
Yet she wanted me.

...when it all comes down.

She had it all, but in the end she needed me to be there for her.
That fact should really make me happy, but it didn't. Because if she just told me once that she doesn't need me this damn torture would be over.

Everything that you want...

What I wanted did not agreed to what she wanted.
We both wanted each other but in different ways.
My was the un-pure. I was disgusting.

...well it's never enough...

For how long would it be enough just to watch her when my desire grew stronger for each day?

...when it all comes down.

“Pass me the sugar!” I gave her the sugar and she smiled wide towards me.
Hikari, Hikari... I love you more than life itself – why can't you see?

I stutter...

“You know that I love you, right?” she said – right out in the blue.
“Wh-what...?”

...I cough...

My cookie went down the wrong way and I started to cough like crazy just to get some air into my lungs.
What was she saying?
Maybe she wanted to kill me by trying to make me suffocate till death.

...I flutter.

When the tiny pice of the chocolate cookie finally got up I felt as if I could just fly away on some clouds. I was so happy!
“I... I... love you too!”

This place is in a clutter...

The room started to disappear, the things around me wasn't important anymore. All I could see was Hikari.
Her brown beautiful eyes, her blond long hair, her perfect mouth and her amazing smile.

...standing ovation in the back...

The sound of susses was ringing in my ears and even if someone ripped my house apart I wouldn't give a shit.
There was a tiny little chance for us to be together even if wasn't meant to be.
“As I friend of course”, she laugh and took another cookie.

I'm held for ransom feeling stupid...

She wasn't aware about that my world break into pieces at this very moment, she couldn't see the abysmal hole which threatened to swallow me.
“It's not like I'm a lesbian or something...”

...pathetic, underweight, filled up...

“... that would just be gross!” she laugh while she was chewing at her cookie.
My chest was about to break, I was honestly about to die.

...with diuretic bombshell

My heart was just about to explode when she looked at me.
“What is it? You look a little... you don't look to well”, she said concerned and I pulled myself together.

...hand grenades...

“I'm fine, just need to visit the toilet!” I said and ran to the toilet.
I am going to die, I am fucking dying!
This pain was the worst I ever felt and I wanted nothing but to get rid of it. It was as if something was trying to eat my soul and break me into small, small pieces from the inside.

...make all the same mistakes.

Why?
Did I deserve this? Was this pain some kind of punishment?
Did god really hate me this much? How could I for a second believe that she loved me in that way?

This eartquake weather...

Without any warning tears started to fall from my eyes and my mascara made my cheeks grey. Everything that I've been eating during the day came up and landed in the toilet.

...has got me shaking...

I need to send Hikari home, I need some time on my own.
I washed off the grey lines of mascara as quick as possible and went out to talk to Hikari.
She was still chewing on her cookie. So beautiful...
“Are you feeling better?” she sounded hopeful and smile in a cute, caring way.
“No... I think that it would be better if you got home for today, you can bring the cookies with you.” She gave me a sad look.
“I will stay and take care of you!”
No. Please Hikari, leave me alone.
“Okay...” I needed to climb to higher heights so that I wouldn't drown.

...inside I'm high up and dry.

Everything that you want...

My bed felt even more comfortable then usual when I tossed myself on to it.
“Can I get anything for you?”
“A bucket.”
“I'll be right back!” She really did care for me. But at the same time she thought that I was disgusting – she just didn't knew about it.

...well it's never enough...

So whatever I did, it would never be enough to win her love.

...when it all comes down.

It sure hurts when reality hits you, I thought and sighted.

Everything that you want...

“Her you go! Anything else I can get for you? Is there anything you want?”
I want you, I want you Hikari.

...well it's never enough...

“No...”
“Sure?” Her voice was so stunning it made me wanna cry.
“I want a toothbrush...” I wouldn't trow up again and the taste of puke was still in my mouth.
“Stay here!” she ordered and smiled against me.

...when it all comes down.

Pornographic, prophylaitic...

“Are you feeling any better?” The first thing I noticed was that it was dark outside.
“Have I been sleeping?”
“Yeah, like forever!” she smiled.
“I'm feeling better.” And I want to embrace you – forever.

...reactrions so sporadic erotic, exotic when did making love become so robotic...

I reached out for her and she looked surprised when I touched her cheek. I stroked it with my fingertips and she continued to smile.
Her hair was braided now, maybe because she didn't wanted me to throw up on it.

...hypnotic, psychotic.

Her eyes made me dizzy and all my senses went away.
All I could smell was her scent.
All I could see was her beauty.
All I could feel was her skin.
All I could hear was her breath.
All I wanted to taste was her lips.

Three hundred dollars buys a three minute sernade.

I would give her whatever she wanted if she just let me have one single kiss.

Inside the candy jar...

I placed my hand behind her neck and her expression changed. She looked shocked and a little afraid.

...finding yourself a hobby, drugs in the hotel lobby.

If she leaved me after this I would not blame her, I would understand and take my life in a non-painful way. She could go and do whatever she wanted to.
But right now...

Stereophonic, ironic...

... I needed her.
No matter what she thought about it.
I pushed her face closer.
“What are you...”
“Be quiet.”
It was just a fact.

...this conversation's gone.

She couldn't talk her way out of this.

Everything that you want...

Even if she screamed for help, no one would hear her.
I could finally get what I yearned for so long.

...well it's never enough...

Or was this really what I wanted?

...when it all comes down.

Didn't I wanted her to love me?

Everything that you want...

But still... she was all that I wanted...

...well it's never enough...

... I should just make her mine...

...when it all comes down.

... only for tonight...

Confess to me...

Her lips touch mine and a wave of prosperous went trough my body.
She was resisting my lips and that made it hard for me to get her to open her mouth. There is no way out now Hikari. Forgive me.

...swaying your hips to the vynal...

I pushed my tongue against hers and allowed my hand to travel from her waist up till her breast.
“Kurai! Stop it!” she screamed when I had to take some air.

...while your hair is braided.

Kissed her again and she didn't protested. But she didn't kissed me back either.
My hands suddenly became their own living creatures and they investigated her body without my command.

Post dated, agitated, masticated...

My body was hot and I started to sweat.
Happy over the fact that I was bigger than Hikari I pushed her down and straddled her. I kissed her again and she opened her mouth without any resistance.
But then she mad an all-out effort and pushed me down on the floor.

...aggravated post cards, throwing darts...

“You fucking moron! What the hell did you did that for?” Her eyes were wide because of her anger and her breathing was uneven. “I hate you!” she screamed.
My chest started to hurt again, even worse than before because now I knew that I've been doing the wrong thing.

...side kicks.

She kicked me in the side and I could feel how one rib went right off. But it was noting if I compared it to the pain in my chest.
She ran out of the room. Out of my life.
When the front door slammed my heart broke into two pieces. Not a million pieces, just two and then they started to fight. And now the two pieces of my heart were getting sharpened on poles, pierced with spears and completely destroyed.
Now I was dying. This was the real thing.
I was hiding a little, sharp knife under my mattress – for a very long time had I been using that knife as a way out of things.
I love you Hikari, was the last thing I thought before I pushed the knife against the blue and purple veins on my wrist.

I just want another chance...