Honest Vulnerability

Strength From Within…

Sometimes I cry, I have no idea why that is. My life feels empty, my soul feels alone. There’s a lot of people who love me, some unconditionally and some I don’t know why or how much. I’m lost in my own self but act as if I’m in control. People think I’m strong but they don’t know the thoughts I entertain. Some think I’m confident but I act that way to hide my insecurities. I have love to give but I’m afraid to share and open up. I feel that sharing my vulnerable side is weak but know that’s not the case and yet I hide away from my emotions, looking to block them out every time I feel them creep up inside.
At times I can’t help but let them go and when I do, I feel so lost and lonely. I tear up when this happens, but not uncontrollable tears. The tears are showing me that something is wrong but after so many years of masking my feelings I don’t know how to cope or where to turn. I make people laugh but deep down inside the laughter is silent and my emotions are unbalanced.

I have no sure direction to where I’m heading and persistently make excuses to why this is so. It’s as if I convince myself that I’m comfortable with my situation but know deep down in my heart that I’m lost and need someone to tell me that I am loved and that I’m not alone. Acting confident and strong is not the natural way to be when I’m dying inside. Every day that passes I mask my feelings more and more and convince myself that I am confident, I am strong but at times I feel weak and insecure.
I’m losing myself and the mask I wear is the person I see in the mirror and I cannot tell the difference anymore. I can’t tell who I am anymore and when I cry for no apparent reason, it makes me realize that I’m not winning, I’m not even in the game, an impostor has taken control of my mind. If I’m being honest, I believe I’m losing and it breaks my heart. If I don’t stop lying to myself and to others I’m afraid I’ll never find my way back.

We are all loved by someone and I know this, I just have to accept that my masking of my emotions is killing my sensitivity. It’s okay to be vulnerable, this I know for a fact and yet I find it incredibly difficult to show this side of me to the people around me. I’m dying inside. It’s time to change, I feel compelled to tell people that I love them even if I don’t know them and the sad part is I don’t even know why.
I decided to write this because I believe very strongly that society (Magazines, Newspapers, and T.V. etc) is destroying the confidence in young people today if they don’t fit into their biased perception of reality. Young people are being brought up believing that what you look like on the outside is more important than what you feel on the inside, and because of this, other peoples perception of me is entirely based on superficial lies and misleading nonsense. Unfortunately this type of propaganda is now perceived as being true to most of the kids in today’s society.  Beauty is truly skin deep and a persons self worth should be entirely based on how compassionate and loving they act towards another human being regardless of their physical attributes.

This is a reminder to anybody who feels lost and insecure, you are not alone and the strongest part of you is the part that is hidden from everyone else and that happiness can never be attained by holding onto the distorted views created by people you have never met and who have no idea how beautiful you truly are.  We are all connected; we are all made up of the same substance that holds our Universe together.  We are all loved and if you have love to share then don’t be afraid to open up and express it from your heart.