God, Jesus and Brian

AND THEN THERE WAS LIGHT.

God’s voice rolled across creation, reshaping reality in its wake. And there was light. And it was good.

AND THEN THERE WAS COFFEE.

And there was coffee. And it was also good.

AND THEN THERE WERE PASTRIES.

And there were pastries. And they were excellent.

“Good morning, Dad.” Jesus called from the other side of a bank of clouds.

THE MORNING IS GOOD.

And it was. God, Lord of Creation and Master of the Universe though he may be, had never excelled at small talk.

Jesus strolled over the crest of a cloud, a fishing pole leaning lazily on his shoulder. He picked up a blueberry tart and nibbled at the corner. “Bloody hell, will you look at that sunrise… really grabs you by the balls, doesn’t it. Nice work.”

THE DAY HAS COME. LET ALL THINGS RISE AND BE JOYOUS.

“Couldn’t have put it better myself. Hop to it! Eh? Things to be done and nightfall waiting in the wings.” He peered down over the edge, a few crumbs from his tart tumbling down through the cool morning air to the waiting world below. “Mana from heaven! Ha!” He paused to laugh at his own joke. “That's a good one…”

HOW IS THE WORLD?

“Oh, you know, THE WORLD IS GOOD and so forth. Folks rising to their daily toil as we speak.”

God walked to the edge of the cloud and looked down upon creation, his French blend steaming peacefully in the morning air.

HMMMMMMMM

“Something up? You look like the cat that swallowed the poisoned kipper.”

WHAT CAT THAT SWALLOWED A POISON KIPPER?

“My cat, when Brian fed him one. Had a face just like you did just now. All pursed up and wrinkled.”

YOUR BROTHER FED ANUBIS A POISONED KIPPER?

“Well, not really poisoned, was it? Not like you could kill anything up here. Although it did knock him out for a couple of hours. And gave him the runs. Terrible diarrhea… You must remember it. He practically painted your golden throne with the stuff and you had to get the seraphim to clean it up.”

I REMEMBER ALL THAT HAS EVER BEEN. God paused to sip his coffee, adding afterwards, I NEVER LIKED THAT CAT.

“Well I think the feeling is pretty mutual. Anubis hasn’t been a big fan of you since you kicked him for scratching up your robes.”

I AM THE LORD ALMIGHTY! MY PUNISHMENTS ARE JUST!

“I know, but still, kicking a kitten? Isn’t that almost like giving a baby brain cancer?”

Lightning crashed through the clear morning sky, but God said nothing. Children may be a blessing, but at times they can be the kind of blessing you want to smack in the face. Besides, there were other things on his mind.

I WORRY FOR MY PEOPLE.

“Oh, is it the lack of plumbing and modern medicine? Or is it the lack of developed agriculture and just systems of governance? Because honestly, I don’t know which one I think is worst. I mean, sure, plumbing may seem to be the obvious one… It would certainly improve the smell and stop everyone from coming down with giardia every ten minutes, but on the other paw,” Jesus paused to lick an errant blueberry from his tart, “there’s a lot to be said for agriculture. Really, can you imagine having to eat what they eat all the time? Nothing but unleavened bread and water… I’d probably sell my own mother for a piece of halibut and a nice glass of pinot noir. If I had one, of course.”

THESE ARE NOT THE REASONS FOR MY WORRY.

“Ah! So it’s medicine after all, is it? You know, I think I’m with you there. The first step to any real progress should be getting these people to stop kicking the bucket when they’re twenty-five. Do you know I saw a man go through his midlife crisis last week? He was eleven. Have you ever seen an eleven-year-old throw down his hoe, say he doesn’t want to end up like his father and blow all his savings on whores?”

I SEE EVERYTHING THAT IS, HAS BEEN AND SHALL BE.

“Well of course you do. Silly question I suppose. But the point is, imagine what they could do with twenty more years each. Screw twenty, imagine what they could do with seventy more years! Hell, if you gave them medicine they could probably come up with the rest on their own. Look at what the Chinese have been able to do with some dried herbs and pins. Inventing something new every time you blink. BLINK! Paper! BLINK! Lacquerware! BLINK! Magnetic Compass! BLINK! Silk! Cast Iron! Borehole Drilling! BLINK!”

SPEAK NOT SO REVERENTLY OF THOSE EASTERN HEATHENS. THEY KNOW NOT THE GLORY THAT IS THEIR GOD!

“And whose fault is that?”

God felt his temper flare up within him. Earthquakes rent the surface of the planet below, flattening mountains and sending tidal waves tearing across the oceans. Jesus had always been a preachy little shit.

THE WISE MAN HOLDS HIS TONGUE IN THE PRESENCE OF A WISER MAN!

“Even the fool might appear wise when he stays silent.”

God sipped his coffee viciously while Jesus helped himself to croissant. Silence held court in heaven, broken only by the screams of various pacific islanders rising from below.

DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO?

“Nope. All I can see are things that you made yourself do. Imagine! Thinking that I should be able to force the Lord Almighty to do anything. I should have you crucified for heresy!”

God chose to ignore this latest bit of idiocy. Taking another gulp of coffee he changed the subject with the same irrefutable force of will that turned the tide each morning.

I WORRY FOR MY PEOPLE, JESUS.

“So I’ve heard.”

THERE ARE SO MANY WHO STRUGGLE IN THE DARKNESS…

“Electricity might fix that.”

God struggled on.

…WITHOUT THE BENEFIT OF MY LIGHT TO GUIDE THEM. THEY KNOW NOT FOR WHAT AND FOR WHOM THEY TOIL. I WOULD REACH OUT TO THEM.

“Ah…”

THERE ARE MANY WHO BRAZENLY DEFY MY LAWS. THEY WOULD SEW DISCONTENTMENT AMONGST MY FLOCK! I SHALL NOT STAND FOR THIS! THEY MUST BE PUNISHED AS I ONCE PUNISHED SINNERS OF OLD, THAT ALL SHALL SEE THE BURNING BLADE OF DIVINE JUSTICE!

“Um…”

AND TO THESE ENDS I WOULD SEND MY SON AMONGST THEM, THAT ONCE AGAIN THEY MAY LEARN OF MY MAJESTY AND BE AFRAID! MY WORLD HAS BEEN CORRUPTED BY THE BASEST NATURES OF MAN, AND SO SHALL YOU DESCEND, FLAMING SWORD IN HAND TO PURGE THESE MORTAL SINS IN THE FIRES OF THE LORD HIMSELF!

God bellowed these words, stirring the thunder from the skies, flecks of spit hurtling towards earth as torrential rain. Although no one other than his sons, Brian and Jesus, were aware of it, God always spat when he yelled. He was a spitter.

“Umm, Dad?”

YES, MY SON?

“You want your son to descend to earth, punishing people you don’t like with a flaming knife, and terrorizing everyone else into worshipping you blindly?”

God sighed. It had sounded so much better the way he said it. ER, WELL, YES.

“And you looked at your son Brian: who is constantly poisoning things, setting them on fire, making the seraphim refer to him as ‘my liege’ and generally getting too involved in everyone else’s business…”

ER…

“And you looked at me: spending most of my time fishing, drinking wine and telling you to butt out of global affairs and leave those poor bastards alone for once…”

YES…

“And decided that I was the man for the job?”

God wrung his mighty hands in embarrassment.

AH, WELL, THERE WERE OTHER CONSIDERATIONS TO TAKE INTO ACCOUNT. SMALLER DETAILS, YOU SEEM TO HAVE, UM, OVERLOOKED IN YOUR SUMMATION. THE DECISIONS OF GOD ARE NOT MADE, ER, LIGHTLY…

“Of course. How silly of me to suggest otherwise…” Jesus rolled his eyes as he lowered the end of his fishing pole and let the lure at the end drop through the miles of emptiness to the cerulean sea below. There is nothing like the prejudice of the father to raise contempt in the son.

SO YOU WILL GO FORTH IN MY NAME?

Jesus did not respond. Instead he jerked the tip of his rod playfully as he examined the water below him. “Damn it, Dad, I think you killed all the fish.”

YOU WILL GO FORTH IN MY NAME?

Jesus shrugged his shoulders. God bristled in umbrage.

YOU WILL GO FORTH IN MY NAME!

“Are you asking me or telling me?”

I AM ASKING. FOR NOW…

“Then I’m telling you that you can fuck right off. For now…” Below him the seas began to boil. “Damn it, Dad! Can you just calm down! I’m not gonna be able to catch anything if you keep that up.”

I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND YOU ARE MINE TO COMMAND.

“Except apparently I’m not or I would be obeying. I told you! Send Brian. He’s been dying to leave the Kingdom ever since you grounded him for that stupid Sodom incident.” The oceans beneath the clouds grew hotter and began to release great breaths of steam.

THE ‘INCIDENT’ WHICH YOU REFER TO IS EXACTLY THE REASON I DON’T LET HIM OUT ANYMORE! I SEE ALL THAT IS, HAS BEEN AND WILL BE, AND THAT INCLUDES THE WAY HE LOOKS AT THOSE… THOSE…

“Those what?” Brian asked innocently, shuffling into view over a crest of clouds.

God’s voice, once angry and accusing quickly took on a pleasant, laughing tone.

NOTHING! NOTHING! JUST JOKING WITH YOUR BROTHER ABOUT, UM, POLLINATION.

“Pollination?” Brian asked doubtfully.

“Pollination?” Jesus echoed.

POLLINATION. God confirmed. IT IS, UM, GOOD. And so it was.

Jesus gave his brother an apologetic smile. Brian smiled back lamely before turning to his father. “Having a good morning, Dad?”

OF COURSE! OF COURSE! NOTHING OUT OF THE ORDINARY. SORT OF STANDARD, SUN UP, LET THERE BE LIGHT SORT OF BUSINESS. I’M SURE YOU’VE SEEN A THOUSAND LIKE IT.

“Sure…” Brian’s eyes searched his father’s face for something that they could not find. “I was thinking about heading down to see Pete at the gate. Any interest in meeting the new recruits? Letting them know who’s boss?”

PERHAPS A LITTLE LATER ON. I ATE A BIT TOO MUCH CHEESE LAST NIGHT AND I REALLY WOULD HATE FOR THEM TO THINK THEY’VE COME ALL THIS WAY FOR A GASSY GOD…

“Of course.” Brian turned away. “Well, you know where I’ll be.”

“Catch you later, Bry-Bry.” Jesus said in supportive tones.

WE SHALL MEET AGAIN. God called after him.

“Sure.” Brian murmured as he disappeared over the ridge of cumulous.

God stood gazing at where his son had stood only a moment before.

DO YOU THINK HE HEARD US?

“Do you think it matters?” Jesus spat, “‘Pollination?’ I expect better from the man who invented the lie.”

God deflected the comment with a flick of his hand.

I HOPE HE DIDN’T. I'M NOT ASHAMED OF HIM OF COURSE, I JUST… THE WORLD IS A COMPLICATED PLACE. I DON’T THINK MY PEOPLE WOULD UNDERSTAND.

“Well they certainly won’t understand if they never meet him.”

EXACTLY!

“That’s not what I meant…” Jesus began reeling his line in. “Nothing left down there to take the bait.”

All of a sudden an enormous jerk sent shudders through the line, nearly pulling Jesus off the bank of cloud.

GOD WILL PROVIDE. God said with a smile.

“God will provide dinner,” Jesus retorted as he struggled to reel in the behemoth on the hook. “Just don’t expect him to cook it for you.”

God flicked a finger, and a fourteen foot marlin sudden shot up into view, landing beside his son with a heavy thud. Its skin was crispy to the touch, and the smell that emanated from its flesh assured the pessimistic observer that it was perfectly roasted throughout. God raised a quizzical eyebrow as Jesus struggled to remove the hook from the piping hot mouth of the beast.

“Didn’t say you couldn’t. Just that expectations usually lead to disappointments.”

God frowned.

WILL YOU GO, OR WON’T YOU?

Jesus looked at the massive fish. “Can I have a knife and fork?”

God nodded, and Jesus had a knife and fork. And they were good.

“I’m not doing any smiting…” He said through a mouthful of marlin.

FINE, NO SMITING.

“Or punishing.”

NOT EVEN A LITTLE BIT?

Jesus shook his head. “If I’m going down there, it’s got to be a peaceful affair. Healing the sick. Feeding the poor. I’m going to do some good while I’m down there, not just let them know there’s a sexually repressed man sitting in the clouds waiting to punish them.”

God swallowed the insults with a gulp.

BUT YOU’LL GO?

Jesus cut himself another big chunk of fish. “I’m going to tell them to be nice to each other. None of this eye for an eye nonsense.”

BUT YOU’LL GO?

“I’ll go. But I think you’d be happier if you just got over yourself and sent Brian.”

BUT YOU’LL GO. EXCELLENT. YOU LEAVE IN THE MORNING. I’LL HAVE GABRIEL MAKE THE ARRANGEMENTS.

Jesus thoughtfully chewed another mouthful of the marlin. It was cooked to perfection. “He hears, but he never listens…” He said to himself.

God strode away over the rolling clouds. THEY’LL HEAR HIM, BUT THEY’LL NEVER LISTEN… He chuckled to himself gaily.