You're the one for me, honestly.

I’m the guy you’ve been taught to fear since you started to grow boobies and smile at little boys at recess. No, I’m not a stranger with candy in a big black van. I’m not God either. To some women, I may be A god, but that’s not the point. When you were growing up, Mommy and Daddy told you to find a man that is smart, charming, and successful. I am those things. Mommy and Daddy also told you to stay away from the appalling men that are narcissistic, polyamorous, and rude. I am those things, too.

Guys, if you are reading this book and hoping to become me, Don’t. It’s a waste of your fucking time and you’ll probably fuck it all up. I will teach you how to become successful in life though. Ladies, I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure I’m going to shatter your perfect image of a love story or romance novel, whatever they call them these days.

Since you are still here, Get out your note pad and put on your mature face. It’s time to follow me down the horrifically beautiful trail I’ve burned that is known as my life. Before the end of this book, you’re going to hate me, want me, and understand me. As I said before, you were warned about guys similar to me, but, my species has flown under the radar. This is a life story and these are the memoirs of a creature that cannot be defined. All I can say is this, Casanova would be jealous.













I know you are anticipating the sex and the advice in this book but first I want to tell you something. I’m not an overnight rag to riches story. I’ve had to fight and claw my way from the very bottom to the very top.







Chapter One - This is Me. Take it or leave it.

I’m a screenwriter; screenplays aren’t easy to write either. I’m just giving a go at writing a novel. It is honestly easier. As I was saying, here in Hollywood, nobody gives two shits about any story you could have. Do you know how many they get daily? It’s too many to count. So getting your first job is almost as easy as getting your prom date out of her dress. They have something in common though, it’s worth the effort.

I began writing screenplays in high school hoping to get the drama department to put them on stage. My senior year in high school, it happened. I’m pretty sure it brought in the biggest revenue for a production in school history. It was that damn good. I know I’m a narcissist, get over it.

Moving on, after I got that done I thought I was hot shit and tried getting Hollywood to make one. I was shot down faster than a Boeing 747 over New York City. After failing time and time again, I decided to try the TV scene. That went fanfuckingtastically. After networks told me to fuck off I made the decision that, I was still a genius.  I did what every thriving artist, which gets shut down, does. I moved to the Indie movie scene. I’m sure you’ve seen my work.

Everyone knows that a hot headed bad ass like myself, wants bigger and better things. So what did I do? I chased the dream. I went to Los Angeles, where I currently reside. Hollywood is a shit place to live, if you don’t get ahead fast. 91% of the waitresses here are “aspiring actresses”, the closest thing most of them will get to acting is the happy face they put on when they bring you a shortstack and ask if you want hot syrup. 6% of the waitresses here have been in L.A. since the Gold Rush. 3% are actually working to have money while they attend school.

Get out the notepad kids, here is tip #1: If you want to get ahead, people have to become the rungs to your ladder. Nice people finish last in this world. I’ve literally stepped on a person when I went to an open call for an original screenplay. Shooting Stars was the name of the film. B-List, straight to DVD type deal. The profit for this movie was $25 million; this was unheard of at the time for a blister, AKA a B list movie. Soon enough Lions Gate was calling me.

With my cut of the money, I did what everyone does. I bought a Cliffside spread and a shiny new BMW. I had broken into the industry and it was everything you could ever dream of it being. With all that new found power, the “aspiring actresses” came by the dozens. They also came in multiples, if you catch my drift. I know, I know, I’m a horrible person for taking advantage of those girls with my status. Fuck off, I had a new toy and I was willing to share it with the playground to get some fresh cookies.

This is nowhere near the beginning or the end of my fantastic sexual endeavors, I promise. It all began many years ago, and it is time to start from the top, err.., I mean bottom. Of the ladder you pervert.





Chapter Two – Discovery and Enlightenment

Like every young boy, I discovered that I had something way better than a Nintendo at a young age. At age 9, I found out my pecker had a purpose other than bathroom time. Once I discovered masturbation, my time was pretty consumed. I even skipped dinner a few nights after I learned about it. I never knew what purpose it had but it felt damn good. I finally learned more when I stumbled upon my Dad’s Playboy collection. I felt like I had found the Holy Grail. Just to put this out there, Masturbation is a very evil thing.

At age 10, I stole my first thing; it was purely motivated by my naked badger, I personally blame the media.  The day after my birthday I went to the local convenience store and there it was. It was so beautiful. You see, my all-time favorite hobby as a kid was watching WWF and wrestling with friends. So, I’m pretty sure that, if I would have known how to back then, I would have shit a brick when I discovered Sable was on the cover of playboy for the month of my birthday. I still have the issue. I actually have two; the one I stole and the one I bought from a collector that is still in mint condition.

From those early moments my life had become an obsession with sex. Ok, not sex, I was still too young to really know what that was. I did become obsessed with tits though. When I was 11, I got caught “doodling my noodle” by Samantha, the baby-sitter. My baby-sitter had a nice rack. I told her if she didn’t show me them I would tell my Mommy and Daddy she made me get naked. I saw them, and “WOW!” is all I can really say. It was better than Christmas. She was still my babysitter long after that and I will tell you about Samantha again later on.

At age 12, I met Leslie. She was the trailer park tramp. I got her to show me her perky tits for a mere dollar bill and a Pepsi. Greatest investment I ever made, if you must know.  I saw her tatties every day after that for free. She was cute too. Mind you, I was only 12 so anything that had some sort of treasure of perkiness was cute. 38B’s, she was well developed for her age. She and I had another encounter later on.

By the time I knew it, I was 13 and I had learned what sex was. I wanted it too. I mean it’s like me not having a cigarette but knowing that it will satisfy so I’ll do anything to get one. Cue in Ashlee, she was a beautiful woman. I remember that she was my first real kiss. Now, I don’t have any amazing story for my first kiss, it was nothing cute or out of any emotion.

We were all playing truth or dare in the woods. She laughed at how we were playing and she showed us the grown up way. It was so much better than the stupid shit we were doing. One of the many highlights of that game was her allowing me to see 4 sets of the most beautiful lady parts I have ever seen, into my sight that day, thank you Ashlee. After about 30 minutes she dared me to kiss her. I had no fucking clue what to do and it was horrible. Lucky for me, she invited me to come over to her house for practice. She was 18 at the time and I was 13. Every guys dream, I had the hot girl next door.

Ashlee will always have a very special place in my heart. She made me into the guy I am honestly. Where was I? Oh yeah, I went over and she started without delay. We sat on the couch together and she gave me step by step instruction on how to kiss/make-out. We were doing it, and quite well might I add, and I got brave. I slid my hand up her shirt to feel her soft ivory skin and touch her perfect breasteses; I never can say that word right in the plural form. Anyway, it was in that instant, that I was at the greatest moment in my life.

She lifted her arms and took off her shirt and showed me her sexy pink laced black bra. She asked me if I knew how to take it off with one hand. I didn’t but, she didn’t mind showing me. I learned fast. At this point, I still don’t know exactly what I’m doing but I have this woman in front of me that is willing to coach me every step of the way. We continued to enjoy our evening.

I lost my virginity that day. She showed me things I can’t even begin to explain. I will never forget that first sexual orgasm. There is nothing like it in the world. I came and she came it was beautiful.

The whole experience of how nurturing she was with me and how fun the process was is what started my love and obsession with women. I can never turn against you and you can’t do anything bad enough to make me ever do that. Now here is tip #2: When life gives you lemons. Make all the lemonade you can with that shit, you may not get more lemons for a while. I’ve been lucky at this point in my life. I’ve discovered two of the greatest things in the world, women and passion. I’m never going to be thirsty again.







Chapter Three – Yo Ho Blow the Man Down

         For those who don’t like lemonade, fuck you. I hope you are stranded in the desert and the only thing you find is a lemonade stand. Now that we have an understanding, I want to let you in on a little related secret. I hate blow jobs. To me a blow job is much like a handshake; sure it’s a great icebreaker but after you’ve done it for so long it’s just a motion. So when you do see me, don’t get on your knees and suck me. It’s pointless.

I’ve only had a handful of great oral sex experiences. Ashlee was the first. She could deep throat for days. I watched her eat a foot long hot dog without chewing. Fuck American Idol, that’s talent. I know some of you are hoping to see us together already, it’s too bad for you because not even two months after that she moved away. I’ve never heard from her again. That cunt left without saying goodbye.

Within a few days, I had a familiar face in my lap. I know I make Leslie seem like a horrible person. She was honestly just looking for her place in the world. I really didn’t care where her life took her, as long as her mouth was in my lap on the way. Her path took a lot of rest stops in my room. I was positive she would end up making her living at a truck stop.

Have you ever had someone sneak up and kiss you? It’s exciting isn’t it? That’s how she came on to me. We were at her house and she was getting ready to grab a shower. For some reason, she couldn’t reach the towels so she asked me to come help her seeing as how I was taller. As I reached up to get one, she dropped my gym shorts and boxers in one motion. Before I could react she had me consumed.

As a person who wanted to stick my dick into any and everything, I didn’t object. It was a feeling like no other. I was enveloped in her warm, wet mouth and it was heaven. I knew where this was headed. You do, too. She got undressed and asked me to follow her to the bathroom. We fucked on the toilet. I was sting there and she just climbed on me like she was a pro.

To my surprise, I took her virginity. I never saw that coming. How do you react to a girl riding on top of you and then looking at you saying, “I’m glad you were my first.” What the fuck?!? I couldn’t carry on. I made her leave and I just let that marinade in my head. I took a girl’s virginity, something that will always tie me to this girl. Then it came to me, I wanted to do that as often as I could.

I love the V-card game. Virgins are such a challenge, but so easy at the same time. If you can get them to the point where they are starting to get a little moisture in those tight panties, you are going to get what you want and they are going to be another one on your list. You are just the beginning for this girl. You have just shown her that sex is something that shouldn’t be held out on. You are a hero in her eyes. Sometimes you are the villain though.

I have never slept with a virgin, or any girl for that matter, with the intention of leaving her out on a limb waiting to be saved. Even though I have never intended to do so, I have. I don’t feel any remorse for it, ever. These girls made the choice to bend over and take it in deep. They wanted me and I wanted them. Why deprive the body what it wants?

I want to provide you with some more advice. Tip #3: If you want it, go for it. If you ride in the backseat, never expect to get to the destination you want. Be in control of the uncontrollable. Until you understand that, follow. After a while you will learn what I mean and then you can lead.





Chapter Four – My First Serious Girlfriend, Ok, Maybe It Wasn’t That Serious.

Everyone remembers their very first serious relationship. I remember mine as well. She was a cunt and a waste of four years. She doesn’t even deserve a spot in here but she was a big part of my life. So, fuck it. Hate her. Please do it for me.

You see, I went through quiet a string of Ashley’s. I promise that every one of them was very unique to me though, they all had different spellings. I will let you in on a secret, the girl next door, Ashlee isn’t included in that mix. She’s in a league all her own.

The string of Ashley’s starts with the worst possible human being I’ve ever known. I was with her for four years and not much of that time was out of the “unconditional love of my heart”. Everyone knows that a controlling person can completely hijack your mind and prevent you from having thoughts that would seem logical and reasonable. That was the case with this girl.

We met after some mutual friends invited me out to lunch. They told me that they had found the perfect girl for me; you know how friends always try to set you up with someone, it always turns out splendidly. Looking back at it now, I hope they all burn in hell for doing that to me. My “good” friend Candi falsely told me that she wanted to “go out” with me. I’m pretty sure I was too young to drive so going out was a complete fucktard term for dating then. I accepted, unfortunately. When she asked me to “go out” with Ashley, I had no idea that it translated into “this girl wants to ruin your life as much as possible while she drags you down her dead end road and makes your life hell out of “love”.

When you are that age, love and like are interchangeable. They still are for some really sad people. We call those stalkers.

Our first date was soooo fucking AWESOME! We went to see Scooby-Doo and she was paying. Honestly the only reasons I was going. Put yourself in my shoes, a free ride to see Scooby-Doo. Tell me you would say no to that. With the exception of the first date, the first four months of this relationship were extremely uneventful, all we seemed to do was talk on the phone and make out every time we saw each other. It got really old, really fast. So, I broke up with her. I should have stayed away, but I was young. I was also apparently a complete fucking retard too. I got back with that cunt scab and the “excitement” continued on.

Once again, NOTHING EXCITING WAS HAPPENING! I was pretty much still just making out with a girl I talked to on the phone with every day. I got bored, so I cheated very early on. I first started my cheating rampage with a girl name Landon. Landon was a girl I met at a high school homecoming dance. I wasn’t supposed to be there being in middle school and all, but, I’m a total bad ass and I snuck in. You totally wish you were as cool as me. I bet you never have the fortitude to sneak into a school dance. Anyway, stop getting me distracted. With all my badassness turned up from sneaking in, I took the opportunity to meet some girls. Landon was one of them.

We made an instant connection after a friend introduced us. Not long after that, we were making out in a classroom. Her mom’s classroom. That was it. Nothing more. You don’t believe me? I’m fucking serious. FINE! I know you know me pretty well at this point. We did fuck on that new custom made desk. Here’s a tip for the future: Don’t piss off your teenage children or give them access to your classroom. They will fuck like rabbits on your expensive custom made desk. They may even leave a little something on the desk to make a point.

Now that I have taken care of introducing girl #3, you perverts can get back to the story of Cunt #1. I mean Ashley #1. OK, that may be a little harsh. She’s not a cunt yet. That’s still about a year away, it’s only November. I’m five months into this relationship, well four months consecutive and the rest after a break up of like 32 hours. I really would have thought I would have fucked this girl by now. I was in need of another V-Card for my collection. Did I get in her pants then? NO! We were still just making out and chatting about the same stupid shit. Just fucking shoot me already.

I needed more. I got more in early December. Her name was Jessica. Jessica had to be the hottest girl I have ever had the pleasure of cumming on, I mean coming across. If I was still in touch with her today, she would most definitely be in my bed often. She isn’t though. The last I heard about her, she fucked up, got pregnant, and married at 19. Stupid cunt. As you can probably guess, Jessica was lucky number 4 on my list. We had amazing sex behind a big display of crib boxes in Wal-Mart.  Ironic huh? Sex in the baby department. Jessica wasn’t around for much too long; she was booted out of my bed in the following summer.

***Note To Jessica: Call me. You’re probably still getting off at night thinking about me. You’d really like L.A.



My December sexfest wasn’t over with one girl. I mean come on, I’m too goddamn awesome to just stop there.

In late, December, Candi was celebrating her Sweet Sixteen bullshit. It was a massive party. The only sweet thing about this day was girls #5, #6, and #7. Kim W, Kim S, and Candi, respectively. Unfortunately, it wasn’t all at the same time. Kim W, #5, was in the backseat of her car early in the day. She swallowed. Kim S., #6, was in the basement closet. She swallowed. #7 was the greatest of the three. I think it was more the fact that we had known each other forever and it was out of revenge against her crush. I guess he shouldn’t have ignored her. Tip for the guys: don’t piss your girlfriend off, because I’ll fuck her.

Anyway, He was asleep on the floor while his, now wife, was getting her virgin cunt torn apart by me. That stupid bitch ruined my cycle, she spit. It was ok, because, the next morning she woke him up with a kiss. I couldn’t stop laughing.

That made my record at the time, four girls in a month. That was quite ok with me, so I tried to focus back on the relationships I was in. I had to keep Ashley hanging on while still keeping Jessica satisfied. That’s hard work. Do you even understand how much I spent on Valentine’s Day? Way too fucking much. I spent it and still only got pussy from one of them.

***Note to Jessica. Again: Why the fuck have you not called yet? I told you to a long time ago, cunt.

Blah, blah, boring, same pattern of nothing remotely interesting between me and Ashley. Ah, here we are. June, the celebration of being completely bored out of my mind with this girl. All mean shit aside, that’s an accomplishment, congratulations to anyone who has made it a full year with someone. It means a lot and you both have earned something special. Being the amazing guy I am, we went to the beach, all expenses paid. Well, I went to the beach all expenses paid. She sat at home. I had made the right choice. We were together for a whole fucking year. I deserved a little vacation, right?