T&A of a Cumdown

T&A of a cumdown


I
AM
A
         Sufferer. I love it and hate it. It swells the impulses of my brain then shrinks them. I can never stay in one place long enough to know where I am. Or who I am. I am confused and dazed all day long, not even my sleep can give me clarity, which by now must be a living element out of one man’s control, but if so why has it not taken physical form, like a river freezing over at night time and thawing at day… why? There is nothing physical in my world anymore. My body knows this by decomposing its muscles. Muscles. I have no use for them; only my right arm and the muscles in my face to show reaction and emotion which there is far too few to mention. My face turns every unnatural colour under the chill and dark of Mandy induced sleepless nights. You can never say no, one more is always alright to do, but its never just one and before you stop counting due to the sheer horrific fact that your in double figures and its only 1o’clock, your already on seven and you’ve got work at ten waiting tables, interacting with normality, with life. The more you look at them the more depressed you get. Theoretically you’re living in their world. Majority rules. The more you listen the more you feel raped by normality. The injustice that this is the world you live in. this is the world your fathers made for you. To be just like them…

         I have been on this couch for an eternity. I haven’t moved from this couch for an eternity. The only alarm to move is to skin up a joint. The only energy reserved is to skin up a joint. The TV is showing the DVD display. It’s been showing the DVD display for six hours now, no sound, no change, just stare into oblivion. The only reason I know that time is moving is that the DVD sign changes colour. Red… blue… green… back to red. Time might not even be moving forward, starts at red and finishes at red, the complete cycle of life, reality and time. I wish it would stay green. It turns red, my eyes become accustomed to the red; the red feels nice on my pupils now. The red evacuates from the present into the past and future. The blue cuts in from the red like a cock cut from a pair of juicy tits in a porn film.
         Something changes. It takes at least a minute to notice what kind of change it is. The reflexes and emotions that would normally feel are still being felt, though not inside me, it seems like all the body and mind function is occurring three metres to my left, or is it to my right. The change comes to me. It is a change in sound. The disembodied rumbles from upstairs means Esta is awake… and late. It is a blind guess and I think how do I know it is Esta. I come up clueless. I know it is Esta but I have no idea how I know. The rumble moves out of the door and trips on what I know is a steamer for the wall paper. Sounds become punctuated, no more bangs. They turn into groans and “Fuck It’s!”
         He comes to the third from bottom step. Partnered with him is a bin bag, I don’t remember what’s in it. Esta looks at me with a get up ya bum and drive me to my car look.
         “You’re green.” Esta exclaims.
         “Blue and red.” I mumble out.
         Esta looks at me and is about to ask what the fuck I just said but he knows it will be a waste of time seeing as I don’t even know what I just said anymore.
         “I’m late! Can you drive me to my car?” he comes down the last remaining steps. We’re almost on the same level.
         “I can’t work the TV.”
         Again Esta looks at me. Mentally saying What? But he knows what I want.
         “OK if I turn the TV on then can you give us a life?”
         I know what he means this time. “ALRIGHT.” I sing out like the song ‘too expensive’.
         With one movement and one finger Esta pokes a button which is invisible to me and the TV switches to a sports channel. “Can we go now please?”
         As you can see he pleads with me again.

         As I get up every bone in my body clicks and cracks like a dinosaur coming to life. I am active now and I grab my shit.
         “Let’s go.”
         We are on the same level.