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Chapter 1

         The funeral was morbidly beautiful. It was raining that day, a harsh slapping sound of rain pounding on the rooftop filled the church. The silent muffled sounds of people crying echoed against the wooden church walls. Dark maroon roses surrounded her closed coffin. With everyone wearing black it seemed even darker in the church. The priest was giving comforting images of Anna running in heaven with her beautiful hair flowing in the sunshine, but I was not buying it. How could I when God has taken away the only person in this world that truly mattered to me? It was cold, I was shivering, but I was also numb at the same time. Tears streamed down my face but I could not think, if I thought then all of this would be real. If I stay numb and zoned out I don't have to come to terms with what had happened that night.

         “Claire.” Richard hissed. It was time to go to the graveyard and bury my daughter, my precious Anna. I don't even remember the car ride or the words spoken at the grave site. I simply remember seeing my Anna being lowered 6 feet under the ground. She was no longer a part of the world that we live in, I could no longer see her sweet, chubby little face gleaming up at me. I couldn't touch her warm back and run my fingers through her hair. Everyone had gone, to give me time with her, even Richard had left. The rain was now pouring on me. It felt good to have the freezing rain stab into me, I wanted to feel something. I could only stare at the gravestone. “Our Precious Anna, May She Rest in Peace. Blessed Are Those Who Are Pure at Heart, For They Shall See God. January 6th, 2002-November 17th, 2009.” I still can't believe that a few months ago everything was fine, I was living each day in such a hurry. If only I would have known, I would have lived for the moment and not have rushed my life. I want so badly for it to be the beginning of October again that it hurts.

         After an hour of being in the freezing rain, I could not feel anything anymore. I walked slowly to the car. My heels digging into the soft, sinking earth the was filled with decomposing bodies. The graveyard was comforting to me. So many others had died, so that must mean that other people have felt like I? No, I doubt that anyone in this cemetery was as innocent and undeserving of their deaths as Anna was. It is so unfair it makes me quiver with anger. I imagine Anna's face, alive, blushed from her running around with friends on the playground, her sweet immaculate brown eyes starring with joy at me. I suddenly cannot move any further, I drop to my hands and knees and scream out in anguish. Burying my head in my lap I start crying so hard that my whole body shakes.

         Richard found me about a half an hour after I started crying. He helped me up and sat me in the passenger seat of his car, buckling me in because I was too weak to even move. When we got home I slowly drug myself up to our bed and plopped down on it's comfy center. I didn't even take off my shoes, I passed out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

         I had horrible dreams that night. I dreamt of Anna running through a dark forest. The trees lurching, reaching at her with their long intertwining bare branches. She ran as fast as she could as she heard an unharmonious mixture of animals screeching and howling. Her long black hair trailing behind her in the wind. She was wearing what she had on when I last saw her. A pair of dark jeans that were still a little too big on her, a pink shirt that said “Team Princess” on it and on top of that a heavy blue winter coat. Her dark brown eyes had a look in them that I had never seen before: sheer terror. She looked even more pale than I had ever saw her porcelain skin look. She was also sweating heavily. I wanted to jump in, to stop whatever was chasing her. But I was helpless, I could not move, I could only watch from the sidelines. She started to slow down her pace, she was running out of energy. Whatever was chasing her was sure to catch her now. My heart quickened and I wanted to cry out, to encourage her to keep running. She tripped over a root sticking out from the cold ground and she fell, hard. Then I saw what was chasing her slink it's way towards her. It was a person, but something about it was animal-like, evil. It was creeping slowly towards her in a long black smock, I could not see who it was because he had on a black hood that hid his face. Anna screamed out, she kicked, she fought, but she could not fight off this man. He slowly crept over her, covering her in his black clothing. That was when I woke up screaming. Richard held me as I sobbed and eventually fell back asleep. The rest of that week was a blur. If I wasn't sleeping then I was in some state of unconsciousness. I didn't eat, I didn't think, I didn't move.

Chapter 2

         People came to our door every day bringing food to us, knowing that I was too upset to cook, much less do anything else. This was our saving grace. After a week I started eating a little bit more, so this was convenient for Rich and I. I would have a little piece of everything here and there. Most of the food we froze though. Rich went back to work a few weeks after the funeral. Real Estate was a competitive business so he said he had to get busy. I figured it was more that he wanted something to keep him busy. My job would have to wait, I was not ready to do much, my broken heart weighed me down. I was sluggish and didn't want to do much of anything. I was a veterinarian at a local business in our town of Gainesville, GA. The people there would understand, they even called to let me know that they had all of my appointments covered until I felt like going back to work. 

“Why don't you just go back to work? You'll feel so much better when you are helping save all of those animals lives.” Rich pushed that morning.

“I just don't feel like doing anything. I don't have the passion or drive to do anything anymore Rich. I would have thought you of all people would know where I was coming from.”

“Well I just think that once you get back to work and in a routine you will feel a lot better. A lot more...normal.”

         In some ways Rich was right, it would help me get my mind off of things. But coming home to an empty house would be hard. I would anticipate coming home to Anna and spending some time with her, seeing her glowing face as I walked through that door and she ran towards me for a hug. Coming home to just Rich brings everything, all of those feelings back to life. It felt good to be numb. I can't do any of those normal life things without that huge hole in my heart pounding, taking away another piece. We have yet to sit down for dinner, watch a movie together, go to church besides the funeral, or really go anywhere for that matter because it would bring to mind the fact that we had to live the rest of our lives without Anna. Anna had become such a huge part of our lives since she was born.

         I still remember the very day that she was born as if it were yesterday. I was twenty-five years old, Rich and I had been married for two years and we were beyond excited to have her. Although  Anna wasn't planned, we were strong believers that God pushes us in directions that are best for us. And the thought of a beautiful baby girl being in our lives made us ecstatic. As the months drew closer and closer to my due date Rich and I talked more and more about how our new life would be. Filled with cute new baby toys, silky baby blankets, tiny pink clothes and lots and lots of laughter and happiness. So when I woke up on a snowy morning and my water broke a month before Anna was due we were really worried. I remember crying on the way to the hospital, partially because of the pain, but mostly because I was so worried.

         The contractions were so long and strong that I had to squeeze Richard's hand to the point where it grew white from lack of circulation. He kept trying to talk to me to keep me occupied. He'd ask,

“What color do you think her hair will be?”

“I don't know, maybe green.” I joked trying to keep my mind off of the pain.

After seven hours of active labor I finally started into the transition stage. Then my contraction were even stronger and closer together and I wasn't even paying attention to what Rich was saying anymore. I remember feeling sick to my stomach and shaking intensely. My face felt like it was on fire and the only thing I could do was concentrate on the pain. I wanted to see Anna so badly that I was determined to handle the pain. Finally I started to push with all of my might to get my tiny little bundle of joy safely out and into my arms. I had to change positions several times before Anna finally started to be born. I remember the pure joy when she was finally born and the doctor took her to be cleaned after 20 hours of labor. The genuine anticipation of seeing my beautiful daughter's angelic face. I still recall seeing those huge innocent brown eyes starring at me with wonder and confusion. When I finally held her I knew what it was to truly love someone and feel connected to them in such a deep way that you can't even express it in words. I had so many feelings; euphoria, awe, pride, disbelief, excitement and relief! It was the most beautiful moment of my entire life.

         The happiness didn't stop there though, as soon as we got home we got to know our little Anna. We got to know that she liked her little froggy toy, that she often fell asleep while I was feeding her, that she liked to watch the tv if we had it on. The more she grew the more we got to know of her, and the more there was to love. She eventually developed a very strong personality, a certain light to her that made everyone want to be around her. Anna was very popular at her daycare and eventually at her school. Everyone wanted to be around her and share her happiness. Her smile just enticed people, there didn't have to be a reason. But her fun outgoing personality, openness to others, and genuinely compassionate nature drew people to her like moths to a candle. However, as Anna grew there were more conflicts with Rich and I. He never wanted to correct her and I felt that it was necessary to give her rules so that she would not get spoiled. Rich always let Anna get away with everything from cheating during a game of Candy Land to bossing him around. He just couldn't say no to her. This made me look like the bad guy and I hated it. Despite all of that, the farther I got from Richard emotionally the closer I got with Anna. We would cuddle together at night on the couch, or in bed when I would read her a bedtime story. I loved Anna so much that it hurt me to think of her being away for a slumber party or all day for a field trip.

         Anna was not just an ordinary girl. She cared about others in a way that I never was able to. She saw the good in them and wanted to help them. If she saw someone on the streets she would beg me to give her money to give to them. I remember one time we were going to the mall to buy her this outfit that she wanted so very badly. She had done extra chores and helped me out in any way that she could to get more money for it.

         On our way to the mall she saw this woman huddled in a corner wearing a tank top and shorts. It was in the middle of November and the old woman was shaking. She also had a dog with her and a sign asking for any money that may help her and her dog. Anna stopped and asked the woman how she was doing. The woman was so surprised to have someone talking to her that she just looked confused. Anna told her that she needed to get herself a coat and food and her dog some food. I told Anna not to give the woman the money because I was afraid that the old woman would spend it on alcohol or drugs. Anna pleaded me and I came up with a compromise, I would go buy the woman a coat, some food and some dog food with the money. So that's exactly what we did. The woman was so happy she started sobbing. Anna introduced herself and told the woman that she needed to keep her chin up. I was so stunned by Anna's behavior that I was speechless. I had never known of a 6 year old who was so altruistic.

         Now that I look back at this story I wish I would have told Anna not to trust the woman. I wish I would have told her that the old woman would have used the money for drugs and just get rid of the dog. I wish that I would have let Anna know that people are evil, heartless, careless creatures who only care about themselves. Maybe then Anna wouldn't have been brutally murdered. Maybe she would have known that she couldn't trust anyone. Maybe it would have been different. I would still have my little girl sitting on my lap instead of laying in the ground.