Tattoo'd Jesus Freak, Letter 1 from Hell

It has certainly been an interesting holiday season, and kinda funny in hindsight - so I thought I'd share a little of the insanity.  I am a neat freak (mostly), who lives in a house full of, well, very not neat freaks.  It is pretty normal to walk into my house and not be able to find a place to sit, or a place to put anything down.  Just throw it on the floor with the rest of the stuff. 

Normally I a) have my one room (office) which is extremely clean and organized - but this has been taken over by the rescued baby squirrel.  The rescued baby squirrel is now a full grown male (i.e. insane) squirrel awaiting his day of freedom (today - yay!) and you enter his domain at your own risk; or b) I have my treehouse - but the weather has been rather cool for hanging in the treehouse; or c) I have my full patio set complete with end tables, lamps and laptop hook-up in the driveway - this is where I live. 

Everyone wanted a live Christmas tree.  I looked at the house, determined I was not going to clean the house to have a place to put it - told the family, get one, put it up, have fun.  Time passed, I got myself a 12' fake tree with 1500 lights and set it up in my "room" - the driveway.  It lights the entire street.  My daughter, Emily, came home with a beautiful live tree, which wound up leaning against the wall outside Christmas morning, still in the baling, with lights on it - guess they weren't cleaning the house either.  Hmmmm......

I had all of the presents at my friend JohnBoy's house, except the one's I was buying frantically at Sam's Club, while I was working, Christmas Eve.  After work I went to JohnBoy's house and was wrapping - with the intent of hiding them around my sister's house.  But my phone wouldn't stop ringing - where are you?  where are you?  Your sister has to go to bed (this was Neal - she didn't care - but I didn't know), where are you?, you know we can't wake your sister up early, where are you?  Oh, and one call from Emily  "The keyboard on your Apple computer is broken - the cat pee'd on it."  Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh. 

So I gave up the idea of hiding presents around my sister's house.  Brought the presents home and tossed them on the floor in the kitchen (the only empty place in the house).  Told my sister and husband, Neal. to do whatever they would like with them.  We couldn't find the stockings, so I told them to use Easter Baskets.  I got back in the car, drove the bridges for two hours, wound up asleep in my car in JohnBoy's yard.  I told him I did what my dog Betty always does at his house, jumped out of my car, pee'd in his backyard, and then went to sleep.

7am Christmas morning I am scared awake by JohnBoy knocking on my car window.  I opened the door and greeted him with a surley "Give me some f-ing coffee!"  Which he very kindly did.  He also called Neal and told him where I was - to which Neal responded "I'll come over and wake her up."  JohnBoy told him that probably wouldn't be necessary.  Then JohnBoy showed me the batch of fudge he burnt the night before, which made my day because he has ALWAYS been able to make perfect fudge, and I can't make it at all.  He was going to throw it away, but I said 'Noooo.... I have always promised my nephew, who will never tell me what he wants, that I was going to give him a chocolate covered dog turd.  Now I have one."  So we put it in a little plastic jewelry bag, then in a velvet bag, then wrapped it very nicely and addressed it to my nephew with great love from his Aunt Amy. 

Finally arriving at home, we found that the presents had been stacked a little more neatly on the kitchen floor, and that that was just fine with everyone.  The live tree was still baled, decorated, sort of, and leaned against the wall outside, and the easter-stocking baskets had been pillaged while they waited for JohnBoy and my arrival.  Everyone was laughing and smiling.  It was a marvelous Christmas because if there is one thing my family can do it is roll with the insanity - and that is the greatest Christmas present of all.

And for New Years - I am moving that crazy-assed squirrel out of my room and setting him free - Woohoo!!!!!!  Hope you have enjoyed this tiny tidbit from hell, and that you have a wonderful, prosperous and joy filled New Year.  - AmyLou