Hazel Road

I once felt presumptuous that I could make you o.k.
That I held the power
That strangling fierceness-My masochistic confidence-
In my ability to manipulate

Memories are fatal, because when I opened my eyes, it was still real.
No amount of raw willingness could have changed the dynamic

My anger is bright and flashing
My loyalty has betrayed me
I knew I would never win the war
Can't you remember the indelible impression
Upon my checkered bedspread?


I had no terror in me then
Only survival of the fittest
were you challenging me?
were you invoking my fury?
How confident and succint your amusement

I still feel so separate
I still feel so smug in this charade of distraction

All I really want is some comfort without compromise
A way to get my hands untied-And you're convinced I can't see through you
but i can and I do.
I bought my peace of mind a morning at a time

I'm often pressed to wonder Wasn't my coldness and frigid stance so glaringly apparent?
You never relented-I guess I had lessons to learn-Morals to seek-Hours to kill

I hate the way I seek out your eyes in every bar that crosses my landscape-Shapeless
Motions-shapeless MInds-That I conquer in the darkness-Score-What am I hungry for?

I hate the way my thighs look at 5 a.m. in my black bonneville-when i'm trying to pretend I really do understand you. And do I really need to drag myself through the mud of your reckless conversation?

Do I really need to run my fingers through foreign hair-wishing I could feel anything less than revulsion-An inexplicable need to run?
Do I really need to convince you that I give pretty good head?
Do I really need to understand why it's my job to listen to your inane grasping for meaning?

Sometimes my physical strength feel so right-Like solving a linear equation-Graphing a line-
Parallels are drawn-Yet, nothing is an absolute.

Sometimes that Bottle makes me courageous and irreverent and destructive-So I can be guilty of all the things I deserve to be guilty for.
Would you forgive me if I drew blood?

Don't you remember my youth? That small window of opportunity to mold into the perfect thing?

I hate the way I pick you apart at 5 a.m. when you're seeking a kindred soul-I regret my selfishness-But not enough to really matter-I hate the way the birds chirp at 5.am.-Signaling the end-Shapeless motives, shapeless minds-Score- What am I hungry for?

And it's gray and rainy today
An excuse to be melancholy
I once caught myself
In a compromising position
In a brightly lit hotel-lobby bathroom
And then
I felt entitlement and false pride
Bitter Reinforcement

And I wonder why there's no gentleness-It's all sharp edges-
So much wrapped up in such a fleeting moment=
Lonliness is that first 10 minutes unmasked-
Light magnifying my shame-
Shapeless minds, shapeless motives-Score-
What Am I hungry for??