Adventures in Babysitting Part Two

Adventures in Babysitting Part Two

I woke this morning with a ton of work ahead.  I checked the syllabus on the refrigerator door and confirmed I was swamped.  I knew this day would be busy but I would prevail.  About 10:00 this morning I got a call, my 2 year old niece had pneumonia and I was asked to watch her.  My family thinks that writing is not a real job.  My parent keeps telling me to get a real job…it didn’t work when I was a musician - some never learn.  It is hard to focus when you have a 2 year old snooping around and a Spongebob marathon blaring in the background.  I threw a temper tantrum and they played the day care card, and I relented, reluctantly. 

My niece showed up around 10:30 and if I ever get pneumonia I hope I look as healthy, she did have a cough though.  Her Mother left and I asked Peanut (yes her nickname-don’t get me started there) if she wanted some ice cream.  She replied “Hell no, give me the hard stuff”. (She can’t really talk, but we communicate by telepathy).  She had this adorable pony tail on the top of her head and curls around the ears.  She had this cute T-shirt on with a big heart and the word Dad in the middle.  I found a sharpie; added and an (‘s) to Dad and wrote BROTHER below.  Put on some tunes.

So we cleared off the coffee table; I broke out the cards grabbed a bag of beef jerky a few cigars and a couple of beers.  She kept eyeing the liquor cabinet but it was too early in the day for me.  When the jerky was gone and the beer cans empty she had taken
me for a twenty and some change in Hold Em.  She coned me out of a roll of nickels (that’s all I had left) so I could change the channel off of Nickelodeon.  Her eyes grew sleepy and she fell asleep.  I took the remote and switched to ESPN and got my Blankie.  I too fell sound asleep.  When I woke she again had the remote and cartoon central was rocking. 

I told her it was time to start preparing dinner and she wanted to help.  She seasoned the steaks.  I had to keep an eye on her in the marinating process; she kept trying to take a nip from the Merlot.  She tossed the salad and I picked up her share off the floor.  I lit the grill and she grabbed the tongs to flip the steaks.  I sautéed some vegetables, I didn’t want to around hot grease.  I cut up her steak in small pieces; she ignored the salad and veggies.  We had a brandy and coffee just before her Mom came to chauffer her home.

The day turned out okay, I just didn’t get a chance to write so I am now.  I learned the that #2 still smells like #2 after eighteen years and diapers still operate by manual dexterity.  (The person that invents the hands free diaper changer is going to be mega rich).  I learned I still can’t tie pig tails.  I re-learned the loop swoop and whatever comes next.  I heisted my twenty and change and my roll of nickels from the Elmo back pack before she left… Hey she can’t tell Mommy or Daddy on me, we are the only two that tele-communicate and she will forget about it in the future or forgive.  I learned that two year olds are not good at jumping rope or the hula hoop.  I was better for once this day. 

I got a hug and a kiss but not a goodbye, and was reminded of other females I had known.  I stooped down to tell her goodbye and pulled a muscle in my back and she laughed, reminding me of other women I have known.  I watched as her short legs carried her to the mini-van and they drove away. 

I called and changed all my phone numbers.  Uncle or not I’m too old for this stuff. 

I hope you laughed and got a kick of this insane jumble of words.  I am going to get some ice cream and a bottle of Irish whiskey and warm milk; then chill in my Crib for the rest of the night…alone.