Forever yours...Your never mine

Forever Yours…
…You’re Never mine

         I lay here. Dying, crying, Breaking inside.
I am totally…completely… and irreversibly

                            S          A    T                        D
                                    H    T            R  E
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My mind cant stop racing, chasing, craving you.
         I construe together the reasons, actions, and meanings that lead to the preposterous end of what had no beginning.
         
A contumacy love never lasts.
My heart became contingent upon your every fleeting word that was contiguous to my mind.
I was young, naive, credulous to your execrable intentions, and in being so, thought you were credible.
I thought the world could teach me, make me conversant on the ever changing definition of love. It seemed as though humanity had created a twisted and sick view of love that was now a criterion for every romance.

To me you made every action epediant, as though every intention was right in a fleeting moment. Though my head was contentious, and often quarreled with my heart and warned it to look before I fell, to pull myself back before I reached the point of no return…
          I just couldn’t help myself.
    I
F
  E
    L
        L
          …And fell hard.


There was no coming back. Without you even knowing, I gave myself explicitly to you, and I’ll never give my heart to another like I gave it to you.
         Lust
             Love
                      Passion
                            Infatuation…
You were the first of all these contemned, and ultimately destructive addictions of the heart.
Did I fall because of Love? Or Lust?
Was that fire burning inside the very core of my soul Passion? Or Infatuation?
Of these things I’ll never be sure.

I had never had any feelings for anyone even close to what I felt for you.
“These Violent delights have violent ends and in their triumph, like fire and powder, which as they kiss, consume.” (2 XI ln 9-11 Romeo and Juliet)
We had our moment.
That one fleeting, half a second in time when you are so filled with every intoxicating breath, and every word from your lover’s mouth is like the crescendo of a symphony from heaven. And just as soon as that overwhelmingly powerful inferno started… it burns out, slowly turning into a tiny flame just trying to hold on and then…it fades to ashes and smoke. The very magnificence and splendor that had once raged in your soul turns to nothing but death and destruction, a total black disarray of chaos that smothers you to your very last choking breath.

For some reason or another, I wanted you from the moment we met.
It was that feeling in my gut, telling me you were the one.
It was those butterflies that carried me to new heights with one glance at your smoldering, green, golden eyes.
It was that electric current that ran from the base of my spine to the crown of my head every time you looked at me.

We would have had something earth shattering.
We could have been like them.
The ones who go down in history, as their stories transcend time and mirror themselves in the reflection of a girl whose only wish is to fly with love holding up her wings, as she soars through a sky of passion.
We were supposed to be those star-crossed lovers.
Until the day…

YOU LEFT ME.
And my world f
                            E
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                                    L
A       
                                                     P  A      T.
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Before I could even begin to see if what I felt could last…you changed your mind.
Why didn’t I listen to my friends, instead of my eager heart? And for that I am forever contrite.
         
I used to be convivial. I lived. I laughed. I could Breath…
Then I met YOU.
         And now I don’t know how to console my Broken and Bleeding soul, “for it was unwilling to be carried by me, and I could find no place to set it down. I remained to myself a place of unhappiness, in which I could not stay, yet from which I could not escape. Where could my heart go to escape from my heart? Where could I go to escape from myself?”  (Augustinian Confession)


I am my own worst enemy, my own downfall, my own demise. I was passionate to the point of recklessness. I didn’t know where to stop. And now because of my own stupid optimism, I’m dying from the inside out… just wanting you back…
         “But you are ever close upon the heels of those who flee from you.” (Augustine Confession)
I used to think my heart was infatigable, that my love for you alone would keep me going. But now I’m running on empty. I have realized that…
“The greatest thing you will ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return.” (Moulin Rouge)
And you will never love me the way I loved you.


People say I don’t know what love is. That I’m stupid and ignorant. And in truth they’re probably right.
“But I like to believe that I know what love is
because I want it with every fiber of my being.”  (Moulin Rouge)

         Now,
             because of you,
                                  I’m wiser.
Not happier, but I learned none the less. I’m a hypochondriac of the heart. I’m careful. I’m guarded. I’m scared to love again.

Just as I thought my gaping wounds were healing, or at least closing so I could breath without pain,
Just as I thought I was becoming numb
to the searing pain that shook me to the core
every time I heard your name
And that maybe this throbbing would subside a little…
YOU WALKED RIGHT BACK IN…
And all over again…
Im forever yours…and you’re never mine.

I will never learn. For you, I will always get hurt. I know letting you back in will kill me again because once you get your fill you will leave me just like before… and I’ll be here broken as always. “How many times can I break till im shattered?” (shattered  by A.O.R)

They say curiosity killed the cat. And now, its going to kill me too. In fact, it’s going to slowly torture me, twist me, and smother me until I catch my last dying breath.
But I will take you any way I can get you, even if it means having you when I know you will never love me.

You’re like the eye of a hurricane.
For a fleeting moment in time you are the calm of the storm.
For a while you are Peaceful. Perfect. Beautiful.
A safe haven for those escaping the certain death you bring. 
But to get to you, I’ll have to walk through Hell and Misery…
On my way in…
And on my way out. 
I don’t know how to pull my self out of your wake of destruction…
But do I even want to be saved?
Because a world with out my hurricane
is like a world with out blame,
it would be righteous,
but never the same.