The Loss

The Loss

By Cynthia Bateman



I.

         “Come on, Alice.” Ben lowered his voice as he sat down on the bed next to his wife-pushing aside her twice read stack of Glamour, Child, and Parenting magazines.

         Alice pushed herself up to a sitting position and reached to turn on the small reading lamp that sat on the table beside her. “No, don’t come on, me. I can’t believe you’re gonna start this again this morning, Ben. I told you_”

“You told me? I told you, Alice. I told you I need the money.”

”My mom gave me that money to start saving for a crib. I can’t believe you. We’re having a baby. Babies need stuff, like a place to sleep.”

         “You think I don’t know we’re having a baby?” Ben said slowly as if pondering the statement himself as he spoke it. How could I not know? That was what he wanted to say. The baby was all Alice had wanted to talk about for months now. “Do you know that we have a whole life to take care of outside of this baby? They’re gonna take the truck, Alice. The loan lady said I needed to make at least half a payment this month, to show that I’m still good for it or that I’m trying or something. If not, they’re gonna take the truck. Then what? How’ll I get to work, haul my gear? How will you get to all your doctor’s appointments? And when the baby comes, how’ll we get to the hospital and back all the time? You heard that doctor. Depending on how early it is, it could be in the hospital for months. What then?”

         Alice’s eyes narrowed. “It?”

         Ben placed his hand upon her thigh. He looked down at the pillow next to Alice, taking notice of the burn hole in the pillowcase and remembering the moment Alice had dropped her cigarette one night as she tried to pull on his t-shirt after sex. One night before the baby, Ben thought. He looked up at Alice, her eyes still studying his expressions. “Don’t start that. Not now. You know what I mean, the baby, boy or girl, whatever. We need the truck more than we need a crib right now. Besides-” he stopped himself.

         “Besides what?” she demanded.

         “Nothing. Alice-“

         “No. Besides what Ben? Besides we don’t even know if it will survive?”

         “No.” Yes, is what he meant. It was true, they didn’t know. The doctor told them that depending on how early it came it might not survive. Ben didn’t see the point in spending money on something that might never be needed.

         “What then? Finish your sentence. If not that, then what?” Ben could see the tears begin to pool in the corners of her eyes.

         “I...” he paused, knowing he could never make her understand his point of view. “We need to make the truck payment, that’s all. Right now, that’s what matters most.”

         “You know, you’re the one who turned down the crib from my mom in the first place. She said we could use my old crib, and you got all insulted. You remember?”

         “I remember not wanting another handout from your mother,” he snapped.  “I remember not being able to handle anymore of her strings attached to my neck.”

         “Oh, whatever Ben. You got all freaked out. I can provide for my own God damn baby for Christ’s sake, Alice. That’s what you said. Remember?” Alice’s voice cracked as its level increased. “Remember Ben? Look at me.”

         Ben felt the muscles tighten in his neck. He looked directly into Alice’s eyes. “What do you want from me? I’m trying to keep us going here.”

         “Provide for me. Provide for your baby. You said you could. You don’t want handouts from my family? You don’t seem to have a problem taking the measly fifty dollars my mom gave me to save for a bed for my baby. So is that it? You’ll take their money as long as they don’t know you’re taking it? That’s noble Ben. Really, I’ve never been more proud of you.” Alice shook her head, lay down in the bed, and turned to face the darkened window.

         Ben stood up. He ran both hands through his thick brown hair. “It must be real easy for you, huh Alice? You lay there in that bed all day…”

         “I’m on bed rest!” Alice shouted as she turned back to face him.

         Ben matched her raised voice. “You lay there in that bed all day and just wait for me to figure out everything! I didn’t ask for any of this.”

         “Oh my God. Here we go again. You’re right Ben. It’s all my fault. I stopped taking the pill without telling you. Hell, you were gone all the time anyway, but whatever, I’m sorry. Okay?  I was trying to save us some money. God knows that’s all I ever heard. We need to save more money, Alice. Work more hours, Alice. The fish just aren’t coming in, Alice. ”

“Save us money?” Ben laughed. “Save us money,” he repeated to himself.

“That’s right, save us money.”

“Well thanks for that, Alice. Way to go. Save us money. Yeah, let’s stop taking the pill to save a few bucks right now so we can go bankrupt down the road! I mean, really Alice, what’d it save us, like twenty bucks? You probably blew that much on cigarettes.”

“You’re right Ben. Okay? You’re right. I got pregnant, just me. I’m the one with the defective cervix, so I got myself put on bed rest. You’re right. You’re the victim, or the saint if that’s how you want to look at it.” Alice turned back to face the window.

         Ben took a moment to collect his thoughts. He closed his eyes and waited for his heartbeat to stop pounding in his ears. Once it had subsided, he could hear the freezing rain beat against the rooftop.  The thought of shipping out in the frigid weather exhausted him. “Are you done?” he finally asked. “Cause I am.” His voice softened. “I’m taking the money. I’m paying half the truck payment. By the time that baby gets here, it’ll have a bed. I can provide for my own family, Alice.” He turned to walk out of the room. Facing away from Alice, he added, “I going out with the shrimp crew today. The crabs haven’t been coming in, but the shrimp have. I’ll probably be late.”

         Alice didn’t speak, didn’t move. Ben turned his head to look back over his shoulder at her. “You hear me?” he asked.

         After a few seconds, a barely audible “Yes” floated across the room. “Call Carla if you need something,” he added. “She can get here before I can. She’s right next-door.”

         “I know where Carla is.”

         “Okay. I just meant she could be here faster than me. You know if I’m out on the boat it’s damn near impossible-“

Alice sighed, “I know. Call Carla. I got it.”

“She’s off today anyway,” he continued as if he hadn’t heard her speak. “If you want her to get you lunch or something, she wouldn’t mind. She told me not to feel like we’re bothering her.”

“Carla never makes me feel like I’m bothering her, Ben.” Alice reached to turn off the light.

Ben shook his head. He couldn’t win. “Fine, Alice. Okay? Fine.” He waited for her to respond to his concession but she didn’t. “I gotta go,” he said as he turned to head out into the frigid Alaskan air.



II.

         Carla stood hunched over the kitchen sink when Ben trudged through the back door after fourteen hours out at sea. “Shhhh,” she whispered. “She’s finally asleep.”

         Ben pulled his knee length water boots off and placed them on a piece of cardboard next to the trashcan. “What do you mean finally? It’s like eight o’clock,” he said as he took his stocking hat from his head and smoothed down the hair beneath it.

         “Well, she’s cried most of the day, off and on. That’s not good for her and definitely not for that baby.” Carla rinsed the last of the dishwater down the drain and dried her hands on the towel hanging over her shoulder.

         “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Carla. I’ve been out on the boat all day. I’m tired, and I’m hungry.” He knew what was coming, and the last thing he needed right now was one of Carla’s neighborly lectures.

         “She told me, Ben.” Carla pulled out a chair and sat across the table from Ben as he poured a bowl of cereal. “About the fighting, between you and her, about the money.” She paused as if waiting for a response but Ben didn’t look up from his bowl. “She doesn’t think you want the baby.”

         Ben looked at her. Turning a palm up to the ceiling, he said, “Well.”

         “Oh Ben!” Carla exclaimed. Carla spoke into her fist, “Lord have mercy, he didn’t mean it.” Then to Ben, “You didn’t. I know you didn’t.”

         “What if I did? I’m in over my head here. It’s all I think about. You have no idea.”

“I have…what? I’ve been married for twenty-three years. I was seventeen, younger than both of you. You think it’s all been easy? You think there hasn’t been surprises, complications?”

         Ben tried to speak, “I-” he began.

         “No, you just listen. When you kids moved in here two years ago, I said to Stan, ‘Don’t they remind you of us twenty years ago- young, energetic, crazy in love, and way in over their heads?’ We had a good laugh over it. You two had no business buying this house, so young, no money saved. But you wanted it, and you did it. And you’ve been struggling ever since. Stan told me about you jumping from boat to boat out there trying to latch on to the first decent catch worth reeling in and Alice working six days a week at that bait shop. And now you’ve had something real bad fall on you. You’ve got no cushion and you want to blame it all on this baby when the truth is you’ve always just been barely scraping by. You’ve got that girl in there so beside herself…”

         Ben lashed out, trying to restrain his frustration to a whisper, “She doesn’t get it Carla. We can’t keep this house, not without her working, not with all the medical bills that keep coming and coming and will continue to come. We’re going to lose everything, and she doesn’t get it. She wants to talk about cribs and car seats and names. It’s crazy.”

         “She’s having her first baby, Ben, can’t you understand she wants to be happy about that? Can’t you understand why she’s excited?”

         “Not when it’s going to bankrupt us, no. I can’t, I’m sorry.” Carla looked down into her lap and shook her head. “Look,” Ben continued,” I’m not some evil bastard that only cares about money. I’d give my life Alice. For Alice,” he emphasized. “There are days out there on the water, net after net coming back half full at best, that the only thing that keeps me from tying an anchor around my foot and jumping in is the thought of coming home to her. But in a couple of months, I won’t have a house to come home to. This place, this run-down one bedroom squeaky bungalow is all we’ve worked for. Alice loves this house and now we’re gonna lose it.”

Carla jumped in, “You’re so focused on what you don’t have and what you might lose. What about what you’re gaining?” Carla reached across the table and placed her hand over Ben’s, “I know this isn’t the best time for it in your eyes, but the Lord works His magic on His schedule, not ours.”

         “Great.” Ben pulled his hand away. “I’ll tell the bank that I won’t be able to pay the mortgage because I’m drowning under God’s magic.” He stood and walked towards the sink. “Maybe they’ll let me keep my house for another month just for coming up with the most original excuse they ever heard.”



III.          

“I just want to know what’s going to happen.” Alice sat in bed eating the peanut butter cups Ben had brought her. “How will I get a hold of you if you’re out on the water? I want you there when he comes, or she. I don’t know why I keep saying he, just feels right, I guess.”

         “Just feels right, huh?” Ben lay beside Alice, freshly showered but still aware of the fishy cologne that embeds itself in the pores of every fisherman. “Um, if I’m out, there’s no way to get me. I’ll just find out when I get back.”

         “No. Ben, I want you there,” Alice pleaded. “Maybe we can get you a pager. That’s what Sharon and Randy did. They knew the cell reception was unreliable on the water, so they got him a little…”

         “Alice,” Ben’s stern voice startled her. “We can’t get a pager. We can’t afford our house. I used your parents’ money for the truck. I’ve been eating cereal every night because it’s cheap. We cannot afford a pager.”

         “Okay. Okay. Don’t get mad.”

         “Well, Jesus Alice. How many times do we have to go over this?”

         “I want you there Ben,” she insisted. “Don’t you want to be there?”

         “Sure, but we don’t know when it’s gonna happen. I can’t miss work. If the boats go out, I’m going out with them. Besides, your mom will be there, my mom too. I’ll come when I get in.” He leaned over and kissed her shoulder.

         “Ben?”

         “Yes?”

         “Don’t get mad,” she hesitated. “It just came up.”

         “What?”

         “Mom said we could have our old room back.”

         “What?” Ben sat up. “How did that just come up?” Nothing ever just came up with Alice’s mother, and nothing was ever just dropped either.

         “We were talking about the money…”

         “Why the hell…”

         “We were talking about the money and about me needing help when the baby comes. I mean you’ll be at work. And Carla has her own job. She can’t keep running over here all the time. And…” Alice looked past Ben to the wall behind him.

         “And what?” he asked.

         “And I told her you said we were probably gonna lose the house.”

         “Great,” Ben stood up and pulled a sweatshirt over his head. “That’s great, Alice. You won’t talk to me about our problems, but you have no problem going to your mother about them, do you?”

         “She wants to help, Ben.”

         “Help? Do you remember how miserable we were there, crammed into that little room in that smelly basement?”

         “We were hardly miserable. Crowded yes, but not miserable.”

         “Your parents constantly breathing down our throats. Is that what you want?”

         Alice began to cry. “What else? Where else? You said we couldn’t stay here. I was trying to find a solution.”

         “You think going back to your parents’ is a solution? A death sentence maybe, but not a solution.” Ben paced back and forth at the end of the bed. “Jesus,” he muttered. Alice cried harder. “Well, crying’s not the solution. I’m just trying to talk to you. Talk, remember, we used to be able to do that?” Ben missed the days when he and Alice would spend hours talking about how they would solve the problems of the world. Everything seemed so simple then.

         Alice wiped her tears, “I’m sorry. I was trying to fix this. The baby needs a home.”

         “I know the baby needs a home!” he shouted. “God damn, I know! The baby needs a home, and the baby needs a bed. Well what about me? I need a fucking home too Alice.”

         “Stop yelling at me.” Alice started to cry again. “I just thought it would be the answer, that’s all.” She sobbed, “I thought we could stay with them, maybe rent our place out so that we wouldn’t have to lose our house. We could use the rent money we’d get to pay the mortgage. I’d have my mom to help me with the baby.” She paused to catch her breath. “We could save for a second car.” She continued, “Something little and cheap for me and the baby to get around in when you’re gone. And once I start back to work, we can move back home in no time. I mean, I’d want to wait until the baby was a little older to leave Mom’s, but we wouldn’t lose our house. Ben, I know this could work if we both wanted it to bad enough.

“Oh my God! You act like we’re living in some fucking fairytale. Like little talking mice are gonna start cleaning the kitchen and money’s gonna start blowing out the fireplace. Look around, the mice are rats trying to get settled in before winter and we ain’t got a chimney. There’s no happy ending here.”

“There could be.” Alice threw the blanket off her legs and started to get out of bed. “If you wanted one, there could be.”

“This is our life, Alice.” Standing face to face with her now, he said, “It sucks now and it’s only getting worse. I’m working my ass off. I’m dodging calls from collection people and making promises to the mortgage company I know I can’t keep. It’s just a matter of time. I mean, can you get your head out of baby land long enough to see what’s at stake here?”

“What’s at stake here? Tell me Ben. You tell me what’s at stake here, because you seem to think it’s all about money and stuff.”

“Stuff?” Ben interrupted. “Yeah stuff like our home and our only vehicle and food and-“

Alice screamed. “You seem to think it’s all about money and stupid stuff when what’s really at stake here is us.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Look at us! All we do if fight now, even when I try so hard not to, we still end up in a fight. I can’t take this. And, our life sucks now? Why Ben? Why does our life suck now? Because the fish aren’t jumping like you want and the money isn’t rolling in like you thought it would? Or does it suck because now you’re saddled with a baby you don’t want and a wife you have no time for?”

“What?” Ben felt the guilt burn across his face.

“Say it Ben.”

“Say what? Alice, calm-“

“That you don’t want this baby! Say it! I can’t stand it anymore. Say that you’re pissed at me for not taking the pill, for making a stupid decision, for getting you into this mess. Say that you hoped I’d just miscarry like that doctor thought I would. Then you could be done with it.” Alice was crying so hard she was shaking. Ben could barely make out her words. “I hate you, Ben. I hate you for ruining this for me.”

Her rage frightened him. Her pale white face glistened with perspiration. He could see the faint blue veins of her neck bulging as she sobbed. “Alice-“ He walked towards her.

“Get away.” Alice stepped back from him, on hand with a finger pointing at him, the other cradling her swollen abdomen. “Just get away.”

“Alice, sit down. Please. You have to calm down.” He took her by the shoulders and guided her towards the bed. “Please, just sit down.” She pulled away from him. “Please,” he pleaded.

She stepped forward and leaned against him, burying her head into his chest and crying. “What’s happened to you?” she asked. “God, what’s happened to us?’

“We’re okay. You and me, we’re okay.” He rubbed her back as he spoke. “I’m just exhausted and there’s not enough money and I don’t know what to do.” He wasn’t lying, just not entirely telling the truth. He left out the part about her being right- he was angry with her. It was a stupid decision. And he didn’t want the baby- the expense, the inconvenience. “You have to lay down, Alice. You’re supposed to lay down.”

Alice wiped her nose with the back of her hand and sat on the edge of the bed.



IV.

         It took nearly an hour to get there from the harbor. “Took Alice to the hospital. Come now.” The message was from Carla. He didn’t get it until the boat came in to dock.

Ben rushed off the hospital elevator, the sterile scent of bleach assaulting him as he entered the pale blue hallway. He headed towards the nurses’ station but stopped abruptly when he saw Alice’s doctor coming out of a room.

         “Dr. Weiss,” he called. The doctor looked back over his shoulder, his face softening as he saw Ben coming towards him.

         “Ben,” he paused.

         “Where’s Alice?” Ben asked, still catching his breath.

         “Let’s go some place more private.” The doctor placed his hand on Ben’s shoulder and Ben instinctively pulled away.

         “Where’s my wife?” he demanded, struggling to breath through the panic that filled his chest.

         “She’s right in there,” Dr. Weiss pointed to the room one door down from where they were standing. “She’s stable now, but-“

         “But what? I mean, stable- that’s good, right?” He searched Dr. Weiss’s face for an immediate answer.

         “Alice is doing fine. But, Ben we did everything we could. It was too early for the baby. The lungs weren’t developed enough. Remember, we talked about that? That was always the main concern. And it was just too early.”

         “Oh.” Ben’s eyes fell to the floor and he felt the tension drain from his shoulders.

         “I’m sorry.” Dr. Weiss said.

         Ben looked up. “What was it?” he muttered, half afraid to hear the answer.

         “A girl. You can see her if you want.”

         “What?”

         “Sometimes, parents find it comforting to…”

         Ben’s face wrinkled. “No, I...” He ran one hand through his thick brown hair and slowly shook his head. “No,” he paused momentarily, then continued, “I don’t want to see that.” He closed his eyes and softly asked, “Is Alice gonna be okay?”

         “Uhh, physically, she’ll be fine. It was a normal delivery otherwise. Six weeks and she should be good as new. But emotionally, that’s going to…”

         “Can I see her now?’ Ben interrupted.

         “Sure. Go on in.” Ben nodded to the doctor and turned to enter the room behind him. “Ben,” Dr. Weiss continued, “if you change your mind…”

         “I won’t,” he said as he opened the door to Alice’s room.

Alice lie looking straight ahead in the bed. Her bloodshot eyes filled with tears when she saw him. “I lost the her,” she whimpered. “I lost her, Ben.”

         He pulled a chair up next to the bed. The room was small and the thunder outside seemed to echo within it. Ben took Alice’s hand in his, careful not to pull the IV tubing attached to it. He inhaled deeply, “Alice, it’s okay,” he began. “All that matters is that you’re okay.”

         “I lost her,” she repeated to herself. She raised her eyes to meet his. “Did you, did you see her? They were waiting to take her until you got here. Ben, did you see her? She was beautiful, so tiny. Did you see her?” Alice asked again, tears streaming down her pale face.

         “No,” he paused, “ No. Alice, listen, you’re gonna be okay. Everything’s going to be okay now. You’ll see. Dr. Weiss said you’d be back on your feet in six weeks. Six weeks, that’s nothing. I’ll borrow some money from Carla and Stan. They offered before. I know they won’t mind. Just enough to get us by until you’re back on your feet.” Alice relaxed her hold on Ben’s hand. He continued,” We’ll make everything up. You’ll get back to work. Everything’ll be like it was before. Just wait, you’ll see. Everything’s gonna be okay now. And the house, Alice, we can keep the house now. Our house, Alice, that you love so much.”

         Alice didn’t utter a sound. She pulled her hand from his and placed it across her deflated stomach. Moving only her head, she turned towards the rainy window and closed her eyes.

         “Alice?” he questioned, placing his hand over her arm. “Alice, I…”

         “I knew you wouldn’t see her,” she said under her breath. Then louder, “I prayed you would, but I knew you wouldn’t.”

         “Alice.” he called. “Alice, look at me.”

         But Alice didn’t move. Ben swallowed hard the lump of fear and worry that swelled within his throat. He leaned back in his chair and placed his hands in his lap. He raised his head to the ceiling, sighed, and looked back at his wife lying in front of him. Though he couldn’t see her tears, he could hear her sobbing. He leaned forward, and rolling the IV tubing between his fingers, he asked, “What can I do Alice? What do you want me to do?”