A Fragile State

“Ooooh, he’s like a film star…”

“Yeah Mum, I can see it now…eyes meet as he approaches your checkout queue…He pushes forward his trusty steel steed; your pulse becomes urgent like the beeps of the till scanning in baked beans…and then… he hands over his loyalty card, you give his receipt… your hearts are entwined forever!”

I threw an exaggerated rolling of eyes at my best mate Caroline, but I was only half joking.

Mum siphoned off her wine and grinned, “Cow! Well anyway, he’s my film star and tonight we’re going dancing.” She winked at Caroline, poked her tongue out, and ran upstairs to hog the bathroom for two hours!

For as long as I remembered, Mum flew solo. She’d always been content working thirteen hour days, taking care of me and my two older brothers. Hadn’t she?

Now, I hardly saw her; out every night she was. She didn’t even cook dinner!

Nan reckoned it was about time she had something for herself. Her actual words being, “Poor little cow! For 15 years, she’s scrubbed people’s houses, taking care of you lot. Now, you’re grown, she can think about herself. Don’t begrudge her that!”

I didn’t. But I didn’t know if a coffee diet, stealing my clothes and prancing around like a besotted idiot was a good idea either!

Caroline also thought it was fantastic.

A few nights later, Caroline and I were dancing to the oldies with wooden spoons and Mum crept in.

“Oh my God love! What’s wrong?” Caz was over in a flash. “Sit down and have a glass of wine! Caz assumed this was the answer to everything.

I stood rooted to the spot, my arms held high mid YMCA. Mum’s face had buckled. Mascara rivulets cascaded down her face.

The dam broke. “He’s been seeing another woman…he told me tonight.” Her face had now entirely crumpled.

Deflated, she silently pleaded for a hug, but I was stuck halfway between cringing because she was doing this in front of my mate and wanting to run upstairs so I wouldn’t have to deal.

“Her name’s Lee…she lives in London…she’s much younger than me…and she’s foreign!” The last shard of information was wrenched out in a wail. I could see that had been the mortal strike. She’d already surrendered, certain she couldn’t compete. The other woman’s youth was not a problem. However in my Mum’s mind, ‘foreign’ translated to ‘exotic’ and then one step further to ‘sophisticated’.

Despite leaving school at fourteen my mum had managed, through sheer bloody mindedness, to bring up three kids single-handedly. Her only source of income came from scrubbing houses and working at the supermarket. Only her interminable hours had ensured we never wanted for anything. My Mum did not view this as an accomplishment; it had simply been necessary. She’d had no friends, no relief, no tangible life for fifteen years. It was simply work and kids. Put bluntly, a glass of Lambrusco at Christmas symbolized Mum’s perception of sophisticated.

Strangely now, I began to feel angry…she looked so wounded. Her massive reserves of strength, melted away.

“So what now? Why did he tell you?” I dreaded the answer. I didn’t want to make her she’d been dumped. She’d dissolve altogether.

The phone rang. She jumped up like someone had spilled something on her carpet and ran into the hallway.

“Bastard!’ Caroline’s face sneered with disgust, concern and concentration as we strained to hear who the caller was.

Mum reappeared. Her expression was more composed, but her earlier emotional blow still physically apparent in the form of a smeared mascara bruise spread across her face “He’s coming over, so we can talk…He says that he only told me because he was thinking of ending it with her. He wanted to know if we were serious or not.”

“What did you say?”

“Well…I told him that I hadn’t even been out for dinner with anyone else in fifteen years, so I supposed that I was pretty serious…”

Her faced seemed to have firmed up again with defiance, challenging me to accuse her of weakness. She knew I’d be revolted at her desperation.

“Well Carol…you’d better go upstairs and sort your face out…if he sees you like that he’ll change his mind!” Caroline puffed with relief.

Mum vanished. Five minutes later, the doorbell rang. I panicked. I’d have to let him in. It would take Mum a good while longer to fix her face. I walked to the door. Bile rose as I remembered Mum’s rare frailty. I’d never met him. Now, it would be impossible to like him.

There on the doorstep, stood a tall, greying man wearing a leather jacket and jeans approximately twenty years too young for him.

“Hello…come in.” I was a fuming concoction of embarrassment and intrigue. He was certainly no film star; he was ancient like mum. Although I had to admit, he looked as crushed as Mum had. Sheepish too, Mum had certainly told him stories of my ferociousness; he was probably terrified.

He sat on the sofa and I sat at the dining room table. Unlike me, Caroline, who normally filled any awkward silences, wasn’t facing him so after she’d said hello she could turn away.

“Glass of wine?” I held up a glass.

“No. No thank you” his mouth glimmered a smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. He looked uneasy, fidgeting in the silence as if it stabbed with accusation.

“Mum’ll be down in a minute. She’s just getting ready.” Beneath my forced politeness, I began to soften. He looked so pathetic in his outfit clearly selected to restore youth but only betraying that he was trying too hard. I began to draw comparisons between him and mum; their years had cruelly jumped out at them and they were both petrified of ending up alone.

Mum would thrive on his floundering. He’d be her new project. If anyone could nurture a mess like him, it was Mum. But most of all, it would rejuvenate her. During earlier her collapse, I’d caught a glimpse of her terror. For ages now not really needed by my brothers and I, the obsolescent existence had shattered her. The secret of her superhuman power was simply that she just needed to feel necessary.

I’d have to find some strength of my own.

I marched upstairs to find Mum hunched in front of the mirror. She looked exhausted. For the first time, I saw the penalty of my Mum’s fifteen years hard labour.

“He’s waiting for you, and we better hurry or Caroline might smash his face in!”

She snorted. We both knew the threat was much more likely from me than Caroline. She looked at me and saying nothing asked with her eyes, “Should I?”

“Now…you go down there and show him he’s a bloody fool if he can’t see that he should count his lucky stars to find someone like you. Men!” I handed her one of her new lipsticks and ran a comb through her hair. Instantly, she’d transformed once more. She stood up and smoothed down her jeans.

“How do I look?”

Studying her, I no longer scorned at the teenager’s clothes. I saw her through his eyes. She was stunning. The child’s innocence in her very blue eyes was searching me for an answer.

“Isn’t that my top?” I asked with mock tetchiness.

“No it’s not you cheeky cow! You wouldn’t fit in it anyway.” She flashed a smile over her shoulder as she left. Mum was gone.