The Lake

- It's getting really cold, maybe we should get back inside now?
- Just a few more minutes dear.
Patric looked at his wife. She was quite upset and made sure he knew about it.
- Well then, you can stay here for all I care. I'm not going to freeze my ass off. I'm getting back in.
Patric sighted. From the very beginning he knew coming here was not the best idea he's ever had. Far from any civilization, with no electricity, just a little lodge in the middle of nowhere. It wasn't Sandra's idea of a perfect weekend. But for some reason he really needed to come here. The city was suffocating him for some time now. It felt claustrophobic. He tried to convince his wife that she didn't need to come with him, but she would not let him go alone. She just didn't trust him anymore and he understood it perfectly well. After what he did a year before he would not trust himself either.
He was sitting in an old wooden rocking chair in the middle of the porch. Cup of already cold coffee in one hand, pipe in the other. On his knees a book he started reading over two months ago but just couldn't finish. 'How to Forgive Yourself'' by Josh Hermes - a birthday present from his best friend Alex.
He gazed at the stars and the reflection of them in the calm water of a little lake. It had always been the simple things that he found the most beautiful. Some of his friends used to joke that it was the reason why he fell in love with Sandra in the first place, that there was nothing special about her. But for Patric she was the most extraordinary girl he had ever seen and nothing could change his mind.


- I just don't understand what you see in her. She's... well, plain.
- It's OK Alex. That's why it's me who's going out with her, not you.
- Do you really love her?
- I'm asking her to marry me tomorrow. What the fuck do you think?
- OK, Jesus. Calm down. I was just making sure. You know I want all that's best for you man. But I've seen so many hot chicks hitting on you in the last year and you turning them all down was just to much. You can have any girl you want. They dig you man. And yet you settle for ...
- Stop. We didn't meet here to discuss my relationship. We met so I could ask you a question. And I'm still waiting for an answer.
- Well fuck me and call me Suzann. Do you really think I could say no? Sure I'll be your best man. I just might try and change the bride somewhere in the middle of this. Oh, c'mon! Sit down! Shit, was just kidding man! Come back!


How can the silence of this night be so noisy? Patric wanted to escape the restlessness of the city in hopes of organizing his thoughts but found that what was just whispers in his head before, here turned into loud shouts. He looked at the book on his knees. 'How to forgive yourself.' The truth was, he just couldn't. Many people, including Alex, told him that what he did was not as bad as he thought, that people do it all the time, that it's a common thing nowadays but he just never quite sewed himself together in the aftermath. He tried blaming Sandra. She was the one who pushed him to the limits! Constantly criticising him, constantly unhappy, not appreciating all the things he had done! Then he blamed Alex. It's him who would always tell Patric he's worth a lot more. That he should think about himself for a while. Then it all stopped. It wasn't Sandra. It wasn't Alex. You can try and blame others for pushing you in one direction or the other but in the end you are the one making the choice. And he knew he made a terrible one.


- This woman is just impossible to please! I do everything for her and it's still not enough! I buy her anything she wants! I take her out all the time! And not to some cheap places! Fucking fancy, expensive as fuck restaurants!
- I've tried to tell...
- You know what she got pissed off for this time? Couple of weeks ago I've lost a bet with her and had to cook her dinner. I can't cook for shit! So I thought I would surprise her and somehow get a table in that new restaurant they've opened close to yours. You have to book two weeks in advance and I got a table for us with just couple of days wait! Do you know how many strings did I have to pull to get it? Do you know how many fucking favours I owe to people now?! A will-never-be-fucking-able-to-repay-them-all lot! And when she came home on the day of the dinner, I took her to the bedroom where a new dress was waiting for her, and a new pearl necklace. And everything was fine. She got ready, put the dress on, loved the pearls. She smiled at me, thanked me, said she loved me. And then... Fuck! Then we came downstairs and I told her I'd had another surprise, that I got us a table in that restaurant. And do you know what she did? She took the pearls and the dress off and fucking threw them in the bin! Can you believe it? She just went upstairs and haven't spoken to me since! I mean what the fuck?
- Bitch...
- I just don't know what to do to ....
- Sorry guys, I don't want to interrupt but I was wondering if you could help me?
- Well, we sure can try.
- Great. I'm Kate...


Patric stood up. He went inside the lodge. 'Babe, I'll be back in a second. Just need to take a walk. Love you.' There was no reply. Sandra was asleep or at least pretended to be. He got used to it. That has been the core of their marriage lately - pretending. Live like what happened never happened. But they both knew it's not that easy. Patric felt that with his confession he had hurt his wife so much, it killed her inside. She needed some help and ended up seeing a psychologist. Twice a week for half a year now. Not that it seemed to help her. Patric could not see any improvement however hard he was trying to. She said she forgave him but he just didn't believe her.
He put his winter coat on although it wasn't that cold and went deeper into the woods. Every now and then he stopped and picked up a stone, looked at it and put it in one of his pockets. The thoughts in his head unbearable now. Noise. Hard to focus. Had to stop and catch his breath every few steps. Suffocating...


- OK, I'll be going then.
- OK.
- Shall I give you my number or you will give me yours?
- I don't think that will be necessary.
- Right... Well then, it was very nice to meet you Patric. Good luck.
- See you... erm...
- Kate, the name is Kate.
- Right.
- Just one more thing. Maybe she just really wanted you to cook for her.
- Yeah, maybe...


'I feel like swimming' Patric said although more to himself than anyone else. His clothes on he started moving deeper into the lake.
Cold water. Pain.
Waist deep.
Noise! Few more steps.
Can't feel the ground now.
Swimming.
Images flashing. 'How to forgive yourself.' Ha!
His arms and legs getting tired now.
Difficult to keep swimming.
In the middle of the lake.
His body refusing to move anymore.
The weight of the stones pulling him down.

'I forgive you.'