Week One

So after waiting a month to contact the man of my dreams, I bit the bullet and added him to my facebook account. The gift or sometimes burden of modern technology added him as my friend a day later. I thought this would be enough for him to remember our amazing connection over cocktails with friends (was it just the cocktails that made it so?) and promptly ask me out. He didn't. Can't take the hint I guess, so i swallowed my pride and asked him if he was indeed the man i had met that night(obviously I knew he was) or was he a stranger? The hint was taken this time magically and he asked if i wanted to get together for drinks to continue where we left off. Umm, of course i do, no brainer, you gorgeous hunk of a man. We go out, we have a wonderful time, I mean a first date where you are both feeling it. Or at least you think you are. He walks you to the door and kisses you like a gentleman. You go inside all warm and happy and tingly and a lil bit drunk from too much wine. He messages u that he misses you already. Instead of being freaked out or weirded out you feel the same. You go shopping together on your second date. He hold your hands, at least tries to but you shyly pull away a couple times because isn't it a bit early to be holding hands? You are liking this boy a lot. You vow not to sleep with him for at least 6 weeks. He comes out with you and your friends and it is like you are boyfriend/girlfriend already. It is scaring you but you are still feeling it so you are still playing along. And then you do what you have heard is a disaster, a deal breaker, a no no time and time again. You sleep with him. A lot of times, to many times to count and now you are sore and insecure and feeling whorish. The dynamics have changed. He is still sweet the next day but insecurity is powerful and you cannot trust that this was the right thing. He calls the next day, and then the next and takes you out to an expensive dinner and wine and dines you, and you are really really liking this boy, but you are still afraid, you still don't believe it, you still think it is only a matter of days before he stops calling, stops texting, stops wanting to see you. You are straight up solid damaged goods. The boy tells you he is damaged goods. Ok, so now you/I are feeling better, if he is damaged and i am damaged we are meant to be right? Right? Your friends like him, like him a lot. They say he obviously likes you, its obvious. You are skeptical, but less so.
And then he stops calling. You/I panic, absolutely panic. Your friends tell you something must have happened. You want to believe them, but you know it isn't so. Not so from this boy who called promptly when he said he would a day ago, who easily called you babe and baby, who held your hand on the second date. You do nothing but think about why he hasn't called for 3 days, and then you swallow your pride and call him, you leave him a message that sounds something like, "Umm, can you give me a call when you get this? You haven't called and i know I shouldn't think anything by that but it kind of makes you an asshole, and I have experience with assholes, but if something happened to you then i will feel terrible for thinking you're an asshole so can you call me?" You have completely ignored the book "He's just not that into you if he's not calling you," and you really don't feel better now, just worse.
The next day he calls while you are working, he leaves a message and you feel relief that he is not dead for a moment, but then anger, and then panic. Shit. You listen to the message, a vague statement about losing his phone, that he should have called. Now you are really pissed, but unsure of how to act. You liked this boy, didn't you? You did, you think so you take a day to cool off and then text him that you are sorry you are a bit of a spaz, he says it's ok so is he. You feel better. You text a bit more, and make plans to see each other again. The day of the plans he doesn't call. You feared this might happen, you felt it in your heart of hearts but you were hopeful. You wait till late in the afternoon and call. No answer, you don'y leave a message. 3 days later he still hasn't called, you're hurt, you're pissed off, you're even more damaged than before. When you notice he is online a day after that, day four since the no call on plans day and not dead, you decide you hate him. He doesn't message you. You message him that if he wasn't interested then he could've just told you, not been an asshole about it. He tells you he is so sorry, that he has had a shitty couple weeks, and so much on his mind. You promptly delete this boy from your facebook account, after you have already spent way too much time on him. Still you think about him a bit, and ultimately wonder if what he said was true, even though you know it wasn't and he wasn't just not that into you, he wasn't into you at all.