untitled (for now)

I sat crossed legged, eyes closed, perched atop one of the many skyscrapers that composed the city's skyline. Listening. Thinking. Remembering. It had been many years since I started this journey. The memories of my former self were becoming harder and harder to remember. I don't even understand why I still pushed my already overworked brain so hard to bring back glances of my past life. Every now and then my mind would pause on certain face or particular event as a blur of people, places and events spun through my head. This was a game of mine. I played it often, just to see if I could pick out real memories from the ones I had made up. To keep my mind sharp. For hours I sat like this in slience. Fresh memories revolving all the while.
Then without warning a face, an event, one that I usually avoided, paused in my mind for a mere second. That's all it took. This memory was one of the stronger ones. One I will never forget. My eyes shot open. His pale jade colored eyes sparkled with a light of mischief as his long black lashes fluttered with every blink. His nose, perfectly symmetrical and straight. His smooth olive, skin completely flawless. His soft pink lips forming the words that started this whole ordeal. All of it danced tauntingly in front of my face. It was an image I couldn't get rid of. This masterpiece of a face, this artwork of the gods, he was the reason I had turned into what I now was. Within an instant I was taken back to the clearest blue day I could ever remember.
He stood in front of me, head bent slightly looking at the ground. The breeze played at his short, straight, black hair, leaving him looking slightly ruffled and untidy and completely irresistable. The one-size-too-big t-shirt and slightly baggy jeans he had on only emphasized the fact that he was tall and thin. Though he looked fragile, he was far from it. If anyone seen what was under the shirt they would have been impressed. As shy as he was though, he would never show a soul. His name was Sanji and I was in love with him.
Now here's where it got confusing. I have no doubt that Sanji loved me. In fact I do believe at one point our engagement had been true and pure, not at all the horrible mess it was about to become. I loved Sanji with every ounce of my being. My purpose in life was to serve him, to make him happy. I was under his mercy. If he was sad, I made him laugh. If he was angry, I calmed him down. He was my best friend. My soulmate. We had no secrets, no lies came between us, and we never fought. Not once. In essence we were made for each other. Born within a week of each other, we had spent our whole lives together, shared so many ideas and dreams. But today, something just wasn't sitting right.
"I'm sorry Raven. I need you to forgive me." he pleaded.
"Forgive you for what, Sanji"
"For what I'm about to tell you."
I must admit by this time I was very worried. Sanji had never acted this way. He had never done anything that he needed to apologize to me for. He knew I would always forgive his mistakes without even asking. I was caught a little off gaurd by his request at forgiveness.
"Raven, I...I...I can not do this anymore..."
I was stunned. he couldn't do THIS anymore. He couldn't do us. What had happened? What had bought us to this place in our lives?
"But...Why?" I managed to ask, emotion flooding my voice.
"Someone else has captured my attention. She's had it for a while and I..well I'm so sorry I did this...but I thought if we were going to get married I would forget about her...but I can't Raven, I just can't." Sanji said, eyes watering, as he lowered his head again, avoiding my eyes. "I love her."
I couldn't think, I couldn't breathe. I had to leave. I had to get away from him, away from this place. I couldn't deal with what I was hearing and I ran. I ran so far, stumbling over rocks and tripping over holes I couldn't see through my tears. I ran without knowing where I was headed. I ended up at home, locked in the bathroom, sobbing uncontrollably, covered in my own blood, razor blade in my hand. I had never ever intentionally hurt myself, but the feeling of the blade as it sliced my flesh made pain dissappear. Cut by cut the pain faded the tears started to fade. The room started to spin, I got dizzy and the darkness crept up on me. I was gone. Dead.
I snapped back to present day. The city of Tokyo appeared before me again. The lights shined like a million low lying stars reminding me how beautiful everything was at night. I stretched my limbs catching sight of the thin silverish scars that landscaped my arms in the moonlight. I touched my skin, rubbing my fingers over each of the slightly raised lines, finally coming to rest on the the small inky black horizontal figure eight on my wrist. This tattoo was the only thing that seperated me from the rest of the population. Four others had identical tattoos, others just like me. Others that lived but who were empty. Others who had made the same choice I had. It exposed us for what we were.
I chuckled at myself.
"Details, R. Just minor details. Move on and forget them." I whispered to myself.
I stood up and casually stepped off the rooftop letting the velvety blackness swallow me.