Sexuality Lost

Ewing Lost 1

















                   

SEXUALITY LOST



Savanna S Ewing















                                                                            









Ewing Lost 2



    The wind blew through her hair.  Her brown eye’s reflected the sun in a amber golden light. She was a normal woman in her thirties; nothing was out of place or strange about her. Save one thing, she had neither vagina nor real breast because she was a man.  Has she sat on the 10: 46 bus down Lexington St. as she had done for many years now. She watched all the tall and thin beautiful women walk down the street. They had everything and did not even take one second to be thankful for their female anatomies.                                                                                                              While he or rather she was doomed to hope and wait for a doctor to cut off what was wrong and put in what was right. She watched for what seemed liked years, when a young woman caught her attention.  She was a frail small thing she could not possibly weigh more than 110lbs.  If she was a pound over that, she was so sad looking she stared off into nothingness with a gaunt and hallow expression.  The bus came to a halt and the bus driver said off my bus and have a nice day.  She stood and gathered her belongings. She exited the bus and paid no more mind to the sad small framed young woman.

         

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 3



    Joey sat on the cold iron bench on Lexington St.  So many faces passed by and not one even noticed how sad and desperate she was.  In fact not one even gave her a second look.  But that was the big apple for you. No one knows you, and no one cares to know you.  Joey watched the people pass one colder looking than at last she came walking up.  The strangest looking woman Joey had ever seen.                                                                                                               She was tall and strong looking, taller than most women even the models.  And her makeup was done so dramatically, and her hair seemed wig like almost.  Her cheek bones were so high and pointed, and her chin so prominent. And for all of this woman’s strange features there was something odd and beautiful about her.  And yet, something was so manly and bold to her famine charms.

      Joey tried her best not to stare, out of fear of being confronted by the unique woman.  Alas she was caught looking dead center into the woman’s face.  Joey quickly dropped her gaze in hope the woman would take pity on her and walk on. 

“What were you staring at?”  The woman who had caught Joey’s eye asked

  Ewing Lost 4

      Joey stumbled with her words only for a moment.

“Your dress, it’s wonderful did you get it on 5th perhaps?”

Now to be honest Joey could have cared less about some designer dress some high classed looking woman had bought. But Joey knew a complement would surly get the woman off of her.

    “Why, yes I did. And thank you so kindly. I love your…”  The woman trailed off obviously trying to find something attractive on the young woman.  Joey could tell that the woman was trying to be kind, but thought to save her the trouble.  “Oh, it’s fine I know I don’t have nice things that another woman might complement.”

    The tall slender woman’s face saddened at what this young and really very pretty little woman had said. “Oh honey, you’re worth a complement on your own. Why if I had a face like yours,  well I wouldn’t be ashamed of my clothes.”  Joey raised her eye’s to look into the face of the woman who had just given her a huge esteem boost. “You’re so kind.  Thank you, But I know a modest face when I see one. And you’re just being nice to me. Not that I don’t appreciate your kindness. “

                                                                     

                                                                                               Ewing Lost 5

    The well dressed woman sat down on the bench by Joey. Taking Joey’s small hand into her much larger one. She spoke in a very nurturing voice. “Sweetie, you’re beautiful and wonderful at the same time.  Don’t let this cruel world get you down.”  Joey looked it the mascara eye’s that gazed into her own.  She then allowed her eye’s to drop to the red pouty lips that were forming a smile back at her.                                                                       This woman’s face was like an art canvas covered in paint. As for Joey’s face it may also resemble that of an artist canvas. However that of the blank one that held no colors of brushes stroke.  “Thank you, I’ll try and remember that.” Joey then removed her hand from the woman’s hands. Joey was uneasy with touching. 

      There for she did not care to be touched by a strange woman. The woman noticed this slight but obvious gesture, and made a face that resembled the emotion embarrassment.  “I know not everyone accepts my lifestyle. But I was not trying to pull anything on you.  “ Joey’s face went pale. What had she had done to anger this person?  “I beg your pardon what are you saying to me?” Joey then smiled to put across to the woman that she had meant no harm or offence. The woman who once was calm and motherly had turned into a sixteen year old spiteful girl. 

                                                                                               Ewing Lost 6

“The way you pulled your hand away from mine.  I know you      don’t want to be touched by my kind. You might get something from a freak like me. Is that it?”  The woman spoke these words like she was wielding a sword. Like the words were her only protection from the judgmental ways of society. Joey kept her cool, she had lived in Manhattan long enough to know not to upset the locals.                                                                                                    “I did not mean to imply that I did not want touched by you. I do not                                                                                            Wish to be touched by anyone.” Joey had spoken the words as clear as she could and hoped the woman would believe them. For they were the honest to God truth.  The woman’s eyes seem to soften for a moment. She then gasped as if she had understood the meaning of life all in one second. “Oh, I see. You’ve been hurt. Haven’t you?” Asked a now apologetic woman.                                                  Joey’s eyes fluttered open and shut. This woman had struck a nerve and this was not ok.  Joey stood quickly and gathered her things. ‘Thank you for the conversation but I must hurry to work good bye.” Joey then turned to leave as she was almost two blocks away from where she had been sitting; she felt a strong hand on her arm. “I understand dear, I do please don’t run away I’ve been hurt to.”

                                                                                               Ewing Lost 7

    Joey turned to see that it was the same strange woman who had grabbed her.  The woman was holding onto Joeys arm and smiling reassuringly. “What do you mean I’ve never been hurt I just don’t want to be touched!” Joey shouted that a little louder than she intended to.  The woman loosened her grip around Joeys arm. “Honey, you don’t have to lie to me I am no one to judge.” The woman paid to mind to what Joey had just yelled at her.                                                                                                              Joey’s eyes were now cold and furious at the woman. Who the hell did she think she was to just assume that she’d been hurt and further more needed to talk to her.  “Ma’am I do not need to talk to you, I have not been hurt! I just don’t want to be touched why the hell is this so important to you?”  The woman released Joey’s arm and let it fall. “I did not think you needed or wanted to talk to me. I just offered it to you. I am sorry I’ve bothered you.”                                                                                                               The woman was turning to leave has Joey spoke. “I am sorry. I don’t mean to come off harsh. I just don’t want to talk about it me or why I am the way I am. Ok?”  The woman’s face lit up with a smile. “More than ok. I apologize for being so forward with you. Let’s start over my name is Fran Jenkins how do you do?” Fran held out her large hand that                                                            

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 8

      Was bearing two rings to Joey. Joey held hers out to meet Fran’s.  “I am Joey Williams Nice to meet you Fran.”  And from that fateful Tuesday morning the two would become lifelong friends. And they would never know how the other would need them until it was too late. 

      Days flew by like dust in the wind. Joey was turning twenty in one month. She was not thrilled or by any means happy about another birthday. All it meant was one year had passed by and a new one had come. It’s not like she had friends who were throwing a huge party for her. Or co workers that gave a shit if she lived or died. She watched out the window of her office, the people on the street looked so together.                                            So in place, so everything she wasn’t. Joey’s trance was interrupted by a ringing phone. Joey answered the phone to find that the caller was Fran. “Joey hello, I know what today is. It’s your B-day girl and we need to celebrate.” The deep voice that  Fran was trying to sound famine with was failing miserably today.  “Oh yes it is, um well I did not have any plans. But that’s how it always is I think I am going to go home and rest for the day.” Joey was cut off by Fran’s insistent begging. “Oh no that won’t do ever.  You’re coming out with me, no friend of mine will lie around and waist the day they were born on.”

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 9

    Fran had a certain force to her voice that said no excuses nota one. We’re going out and that’s that.  “Alright Fran. You win but nothing big. Just dinner and a walk.” Joey was not a extravagant person. She liked the simple things of life. Like the ducks on the pond or the birds in the trees. Small little insignificant things that no one ever cared about. I suppose she cared for them because they reminded her of her.                       “Wonderful then I’ll meet you outside your work.” Fran did not wait for a no or a  that won’t work to be said. She hung up the phone with haste. Joey herd the phone go dead, and she hung up the phone. And returned to her people watching from her office window.  The hours ticked by slower and slower to Joey.    She was not excited about having dinner with Fran, but she was not disappointed either. Oh hell she thought maybe she’d have a good old time with her strange woman friend.                      After all Fran was always laughing and going. Never a dull moment with that one Joey spoke softly to her self. Joey had been friends with Fran for about three months now, ever since they had meet on the street that Tuesday. Fran had been a royal nag to Joey about getting out meeting new people. But Joey only nodded to her friend and smiled. She had no intention of listening to Fran.

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 10     

      Fran was a flabbergasted type of girl, her mouth was bigger than her brain. But not bigger than her heart, from the short time Joey had known Fran she could tell that Fran was a kind hearted soul. Emotionally fragile and somewhat flamboyant, but truly sweet.

      She made Joey want to be stronger want the things most women take for granted. Like looking for Mr. right  or having a family. Fran made her want to take chances live life a little more loudly. Be rude or obnoxious from time to time. Of course Joey never was any of these things, but before meeting Fran these things were not even day dreams in her dizziest fantasies.  Fran was a woman to deal with for she would have it no other way.                                                                                                                                             She was a large woman, and by large I mean tall and boldly built. She knew she was a large girl and she could take care of herself. Unlike Joey who was small and frail, timid and quiet. No Fran was a presence that could clear a room. And not that this was a trait Joey wanted for herself. But she did envy Fran’s forceful nature every now and then.  Joey never raised her voice she never made a sour face. She was always calm and collected and that was just the way she was. Tick tock spoke the clock as it went about its daily routine.

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 11

      It never hurried for any one no matter how humble or how important that person was. The clock kept it’s time by its rules and no one else’s.  Joey waited for what seemed like years for the little hand and the big hand to be at the point where the working day would be done.  At last it reached it’s appropriate time. And Joey was off she gathered her things and closed down her work station. She hurried down to the elevators. She was trying to avoid running into her.                                          Her was the woman that Joey hated the most. She was a thin tall beautiful brunette with green eyes and pouty lips. She was very popular with the men of the company. She had been most of the men’s play thing at one point or another. She always made it a point to harass Joey.  She was a cruel and bitter bitch that was all one could say about Annette Hopkins. 

    Joey pressed the down button hoping the doors would open soon. She heard the click clopping of Annette’s stiletto heels on the hard office floor. She prayed to a God that people had told her existed and hoped he would take pity on her and let the doors open before that witch got to her. “Joey Williams you look like your sad little self today.”  There she was, with her cackling voice. Annette’s voice reminded Joey of the sound the hen made when she laid an egg.

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 12

The sound chalk made against the chalk board. Joey turned to see Annette looking at her, Joey hated this woman. Annette    was all about her body, and short mini skits. Low cut blouses, tight pants. She loved showing off her fabulous figure.              To women and men alike, she just loved looking as sexy as she possible could.                                                                                                              Joey hated any woman whose only talents were that of a blow job or a lap dance. Or any other clever names there were for sexual deviancy. Annette was wearing a short black mini skirt, a low cut white blouse. She complemented her top and skirt with some cheap perfume that was so over powering to the nostrils.                          Her makeup resembled that of a woman Joey had seen on the street corner last Monday.  Everything about Annette scream I am easy and loose. “So Joey were you off to.?”  Annette was sking like that on purpose, she wanted to act like she was so nice. Joey smiled a forced smile, she had to everyone knew Annette was screwing the boss. And to be mean or cross to Annette meant your job.                                                                                “I am having Dinner with a friend.” Joey replied as short as she could. Annette smiled a devilish smile. Joey could tell Annette was thinking a male friend. And the thought of that made Joey sick.

                                                                                                   Ewing Lost 13

    “Oh, having dinner with a friend. Is he handsome?” Asked an intrigued Annette. Joey forced another fake smile. “She is very beautiful.” Joey disliked Annette with a passion. Joey could see Annette’s slutty interest dissipate. Annette made a smirk that might have said; ha I knew you did not have a man.

    “Oh I see, so it’s a lady friend. I did not know you were one of those Miss Williams.” Annette quipped. Joey’s face went blood red, what a whore Annette was. Implying that she was a lesbian. “Of course I am not; I am having dinner with a friend for God’s sake. That’s all Annette.” Shot back a embarrassed Joey. Annette only smiled and turned and walked away. The elevator door slowly opened. And Joey thought to herself, now the door’s open so much for prayer.                                                             As Joey made her way down to the street she could already see Fran waiting for her. Fran was strange, and odd. But she was loyal and honest. And that was a rare thing in this world. So wither Fran was weird or off in some ways she was Joey’s friend. Fran was dressed to the nines tonight. Wearing a trendy pink dress. With matching heels. She was always so synchronized, nlike Joey who did good to wear clothes that fit her properly.  “Hey girl. You look tired.” Fran was being so observant tonight.



                                                                                             Ewing Lost 14

Joey looked into Fran’s eyes. “Of course I am tired. I just worked a nine hour day.” Replied Joey. Fran did not work, she came from money. She never knew the drab office day’s Joey did. She never experienced the pain of working with co workers that made your skin crawl. No, she was born with a silver spoon in her perfectly formed mouth. “Well, the working day is done and girls they want to have fun.” Cleverly quipped Fran.                              Joey smiled at Fran, this was not a forced smile like the one with Annette. Fran always made Joey smile. That was one of the things Joey loved about being around Fran. Joey could find her smile, a real smile not one she attempted to smile to fit in with. No it was a genuine teeth showing smile. “So I’ve made dinner reservations at this great little restaurant. I think you’ll just adore it.”                                                                                                     Fran was building this place up to unreachable standards. “Wonderful Fran, you look wonderful and I look like something the cat barfed up.” Joey was not jealous of Fran, not at all. She just hated how Fran always looked like she stepped out of a issue of Vogue. “Oh honey, you look like a million bucks to me.” Fran spoke the words with a straight face. Joey only smiled at her friend for being so honestly kind. The two made their way down 54th ST. I suppose the two made quite a pair.

                                                                                         Ewing lost 15

    They could not be more opposite’s of each other. But they fit  perfectly together in Joey and Fran’s eyes. What the rest of the miserable city did not matter.  “You know Fran your too good to me.” Joey interrupted the silence between them. Fran kept walking up looked down at Joey. “I am not too good to you, I am the only one who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.”  Fran did have a way with words.                                                  Joey looked up at Fran; she was smiling that honest smile. “Oh Fran, your too much really.”  Joey shot back.  “Oh no your too much little one.” Fran chuckled. She loved to make fun of Joeys small frame. As the two made their way down the street they came to the restaurant that Fran had arranged reservations at. They walked in and took their seats were they laughed the long into the night.                                                                                          Across the room was a quiet table. Where one person sat at a table for two. At the table was a man, possibly in his late twenties  He looked so alone, so sad and lost. On his table lay his cellular phone. He stared at it like it was a television. And he was watching is favorite show. His eyes were tired and weary. He looked as if he had a cold or the flu. His hair was thin, but his body was thinner. He was the pitcher of sick. But his feelings were the ill thing about him.

                                                                                     Ewing Lost 16          

    The man’s eyes jumped when his cell went off with buzzing lights and sound.  The man looked at it for a moment then slowly picked up his phone. As the man listened to what the other person on the other end was saying his expression changed from sad to horror. Whatever he was hearing was news that scared him to death.  He calmly closed his phone; small tear began to fall from his eyes. He looked as if he had seen a ghost.                                         His face scrunched up he was trying to hold it together. But with no avail, anyone watching him could see he was falling apart. The waiter brought the man his ticket, and the man stood to leave. He stumbled a bit as he started to walk. As he was making his way to the exit of the eating establishment he fell into the table of two women. “Oh I am so sorry ladies.” The man apologized.

    Fran looked into the eyes of the person who had knocked her spoon from her hand. Joey watched to see what Fran’s response would be to this interruption. “Never mind it dear, no damage done.” Fran said to this strange man. The man looked instantly relived. Joey knew Fran would never go out of her way to hurt someone who was trying to be polite. However Fran could not stand rude people and was the first person to tell them so. Joey watched the man closely he looked so scared and shaken. He looked like he had just herd than the world was ending. Maybe for all Joey knew his world was. “Good bye ladies.” Spoke the fragile looking man. As he turned to leave, Joey could tell that Fran was thinking, she had that look of mischief in her eyes. “Excuse me dear, would you like to join us for desert?” Fran had a way with words and invitations. The man turned with a huge smile on his once grim face. “I would love that, thank you so much.” His response was filled with more than just gratitude. It was a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of his heart. “Sit down for heaven’s sake.” Fran urged the man to take his seat. The man did so. He looked back and forth between Fran and Joey his eyes were saying who are you two and why am I sitting with you? “My names Fran Jenkins and this is Joey Williams what’s your name stranger?” asked a nosey Fran. “My name is Harlem Jonas, ma’am. It’s nice to meet you two.”  The man smiled at both of the women. His eyes were tired and old looking even though he was not elderly. Joey studied Harlem carefully; she’d seen this look before. Her brother Bobby had looked just like this man looked now. With skin that looked to thin, and eyes that were sunk into his head. And a head of hair that looked as thin as his body and skin.  And a look on his face that read, yes I have aids. Fran chattered away at the man, about this and that. And he talked happily back. Joey knew Fran had seen nothing out of the ordinary about Harlem. But she had, she could see he was sick. And it scared Joey to see someone with this illness. They say people can live with the virus, and be fine. Just take the pills that the doctor gives you and you’ll be ok. That’s what they told Bobby, they said those same words to him. And within one year of his diagnoses he was gone. Joey was getting itchy being so close to someone with the deadly disease. Not because she was afraid of contracting it, but she was disturbed by being near someone who had what Bobby had. It brought back painful memories. Ones she did not care to remember or feel. Fran talked on and on about this and that around the city. And Harlem listened very intently writher he was interested in what Fran was saying was irrelevant. “So Harlem, where do you see yourself in ten years?” asked Fran. Joey had been drifting in and out of the conversation between Fran and Harlem for about an hour. But this new question that Fran had asked caught Joey’s attention. Joey watched Harlem’s face go pale and his forehead began to bead up from sweat. Fran of course did not notice this. She just smiled politely and waited for his answer.  “Well I , you see in ten years I won’t be here.” This was Harlem’s response to the ten year question. Fran’s eyes widened with disbelief of Harlem had just said. “Oh but how do you know that? I mean that’s crazy did you just wake up one day and say I am going to die in the next ten years?” Fran said this with haste. Joey looked to Fran with a look that if spoken would have said shut up. “No, I did not wake up and say that. I know I don’t have long to live.  I’ve been diagnosed with HIV aides. The doctors say mines advanced, I’ll have another good year maybe.” Harlem finished his confession and was silent. The once talkative table fell quiet. No one spoke. Joey had hit the nail on the head, when she said Harlem reminded her of her brother Bobby. He had the same look of sick on his face. He took the same ragged breaths that Bobby had taken. Fran sat still embarrassed by her forceful nature and her obnoxiousness toward Harlem. It was Joey who finally spoke.  “My brother has aids. He passed away three years ago. I am so sorry about your condition.” Harlem watched Joey’s face while she spoke about her brother. This was something she did not talk about. “How long did the doctors give your brother Joey?” asked Fran. “They told him he could have one year maybe two or even more.” Fran smiled, “And how long did he live after they told him he had the virus?”

Joey stumbled with her words and mumbled, “Six months. He lasted a bit shorter than six actually.” Replied Joey, Harlem’s face was white and ghost like. He looked even more afraid now, that was not Joey’s intention. She wanted to let him know she knew someone who had it, and that it was nothing to be ashamed of. But instead she ended up freaking him out more. Fran stared at the floor trying to think of something to say. She failed however and remained silent. It was Harlem who spoke up. “I am fine. I will be here until it’s my time. And when that time comes I’ll go to heaven”.

Fran and Joey watched him, more like they studied him. “So you’re a God fearing man Harlem?” asked Fran, Joey looked at Fran and then at Harlem. She was thinking how you can ask that he just told you he was. “Yes ma’am. I am a Christian man of God.” Replied Harlem, Fran watched him and thought about what she was going to say. “Well, no offence but you must have not always been such a holy man; otherwise you would not have aids.” Fran sat back after saying that. Harlem’s eyes watered up with tears, his face looked as if it might break apart if you touched it. Joey’s heart went out to Harlem, why was Fran being so cruel? She had never been this way in front of her, now she was not the loveable Fran Joey knew and loved she was a stranger. “I um… I got it from my ex wife. She was having an affair behind my back. She passed away six months ago from the virus...” Harlem’s voice cracked as he spoke those words. Fran’s face turned red with embarrassment and awkwardness. “I am so sorry for being presumptions. Please forgive me Harlem.” Pleaded a apologetic Fran.  Joey waited to see if Harlem was mad or he would let it roll off his broken shoulders. “It’s ok; I know this disease is normal for the homos.” Replied a understanding Harlem, Joey smiled thinking the group had avoided a argument. “Homos? Really is that what you think? What do you mean by homos?” asked Fran,

Harlem smiled he was not picking up on Fran’s unhappy vibes. “You know queers, fags, fruits the fudge packers. The gays.” This was Harlem’s response. Fran’s face was still red but not from shyness or embarrassment. It was red from rage, and anger. “Well Harlem wither you’re a fag or not you’re still dyeing like one. So I would not be so high and mighty.” There was no joking in Fran’s last remark. She was dead serious and for whatever reason Harlem had stepped on her toes.

Joey was silent she had never heard Fran be this mean to anyone. And she looked at Harlem, he was not the first person she’d meet to be a homophobe. But why was Fran so upset? What did being straight or gay have to do with her? Joey waited to see what would happen. “What the fuck is it to you? I am not any fucking faggot!” Harlem screamed this at the angered Fran. “Like I said Harlem, there’s no need for name calling. The fact that you are or not a faggot is neither here nor there. You’re dyeing and that’s that.” Fran shouted back. The two stood out of their chairs and looked straight into the others eyes. Joey remained seated; she did not want to get in the middle of all of this. “I think we should say our goodbyes Mrs. Jenkins!” solemnly replied Harlem. “I think that would be most appropriate Mr. Harlem whatever your last name is.!” Fran looked to Joey and motioned her up from the table. “Let’s go Joey; I am sorry your birthday was interrupted by a dying fool.” Joey stumbled to her feet and was lead out by a much stronger Fran. Joey saw as she was drug from the restaurant’s doors Harlem sit and cry.

“What the hell was all that about Fran!” asked Joey, Fran turned to face her. “I hate people like that who have to call names and be insensitive.” Replied Fran, Joey waited for more but Fran said none. “But why did you have to jump him like that? He was just being honest he hates gay’s. Lots of people do.” Fran stopped and looked at Joey. Fran grabbed Joey’s arm. “Do you Joey, do you think men wanting men, or women wanting women. Or even a man dressing as a woman is that sick or wrong to you? Dose that get under your skin and make you sick? Dose it Joey!” Joey looked into Fran’s eyes, and she wondered to herself how we had even come to this. “No! I don’t hate gays, but there’s something sick about a man dressing as a woman. That person’s disturbed and needs help.” That was the best answer Joey could give to Fran, Joey hoped this was a good answer and not something to upset Fran more. Fran’s eyes watered and tears fell. She seam to go into a panic, she was walking back and forth nervously. “Fran calm down this is crazy, just calm down what’s got a hold of you. Why you are so upset why tell me why!” Joey screamed this over and over as she shook Fran. Fran screamed loudly saying nothing then was silent and looked into Joey’s eyes. “Because Joey! I am a man! I am a man who dresses as a woman!” Fran’s voice was not female sounding anymore this was a new voice. A deep voice this was a man’s voice.