Strength of Me

I’ve always viewed addiction as a sign of weakness. I could never understand how someone would allow something to inhibit them in such a way that it interferes with every aspect of their lives. A week ago I was on top of the world! Prada shoes, Gucci dresses, and Coach dresses aligned every closet in my two bedroom apartment. I was traveling coast to coast mingling with countries most successful entrepreneurs in the most finest hotels money could buy. Now I’m being violently drug from one torture chamber to the next. The white uniform is persistent and gets me into the contraption she has brought for me and takes me down a cold hallway to another room. When I enter a caramel colored women was sitting in a chair waiting for me. She had her hair swooped up in a bun a pair of wire framed glasses balanced themselves at the tip of her nose. “Hello Shayna,” the lady spoke. I gave her an irritated stare and rolled my eyes. “Nurse you may leave us now,” she told the white uniform. The lady got up and rolled my wheelchair so that I was seated in front of her chair. She introduced herself as Dr. Rose and stated that she would be my psychiatrist. “Psychiatrist?” I thought. I knew something bad happened but was it that horrible that I needed a shrink? Was it my mother? I couldn’t remember what had occurred that would justify having me drugged, strapped to a bed, tormented by a white uniform then forced talk a total stranger. Dr. Rose and I were caught in a stare down neither of us saying a word willing the other to give in. Finally she said, “lets take a little trip.”

The doctor tried to engage in senseless conversation as she pushed me through the corridors of the hospital but I continued to ignore her. Finally we ended up at room 224. She stopped in front of the door and told me I was going in to visit someone. Still sitting in the wheel chair I couldn’t make my legs move as I started to wonder who I knew that could be on the other side of that door. Dr. Rose saw that I wasn’t going to move so she opened the door and wheeled me inside. Shock, desperation and guilt took over me as I saw who was laying in the hospital bed. I rolled myself closer to get a better look at the victim. His skin was dry and pale and his lips were chapped. I reached out and took his cold hand in mine. Tears ran down my cheeks as it all started to come back to me. The fun trips, the deceit, the lies and all the secrets had finally come back to haunt me. Never in a million years would I want to bring any harm to Eric. He was my first everything. We had been dating since our junior year in high school. When we graduated high school we were suppose to have big plans. Eric had worked at his uncle’s barber shop since he was fourteen and had half of the money he needed to open his own shop. His dad agreed to front him the other half as soon as he finished barber school and then we would be married and I would work there with him. Unfortunately things never worked out that way. Instead right after high school I got a job as an airline assistant with Airways Airlines. I started to travel and live the good life while Eric went to barber school and continued on with his plan. I felt like I had hit the jackpot. I was attending parties in different cities each night and meeting interesting people that I would never had come across in my home town. While I always held Eric dear to my heart, freedom and sense of adventure took over me and before I knew it I was out of control.

Finally out of the grasp of an overprotective mother and I was ready to hit every corner of the globe leaving a Shayna stamp at every destination. Within a month at my new job I met Xander. He was a new stock broker at a popular firm in New York and Airways Airlines was throwing a party at Skybox Lounge in the airport in appreciation of all the business his company gave us. I was on a layover for the nigh and decided to attend the party. Employees weren’t exactly invited but I had just purchased a new dress in Miami the previous day so what better time to show it off. When I entered into the lounge the first thing I saw was Xander. He was 6’2, with a mocha complexion, big deep brown eyes, tapered fade, and juicy pink lips. The Armani deep blue Armani suit he had on didn’t help matters at all. He was standing by the bar and turned to see me sizing him up. He gave me an inviting smile and I went over to join him. After two drinks and about four hours of conversation Xander had me intrigued. We exchanged numbers and before I knew it I was in another relationship. He showered me with gifts and attention and taught me about the finer things in life. Right when I thought I was in love things changed. His career started to take off and he had less time for me. Sometimes I would sit in his apartment by myself weekends at a time. I started to resent his ignoring me and the more guys flirted with me on my various trips the more I started to pay attention to them.

One rainy day in the Houston Airport I was running to make my next flight when out of nowhere a man in a red puma gear from head to toe bumped into me so hard he knocked me out of my DKNY shoes. He started to apologize and help me up. When I tried to stand up I fell right back to the ground as a sharp pain ran up my foot to my ankle. Seeing that I was truly hurt he started to call for help. Once my ankle had been bandaged and I had received painkillers the doctor asked if I had anyone to drive me home. I started to say no but then the same man that had knocked me down came from around the curtain and said “yes she does.” Before I could say a word the stranger introduced himself as Rob. He said he felt terrible about what happened and had to come make it up to me. Normally I wouldn’t just leave with a total stranger in a city I know nothing about but something about him said he was safe. After a week of calling in sick and being pampered by Rob I had found a third boyfriend. My once fun and adventurous life had become full of lies, betrayal and deceit. I had grown so tired that I wasn’t on top of my game anymore and I left my cell phone at Xanders apartment which resulted in him speaking to Rob when he tried to call me. Eventually I had to sit down and explain to all three men what had been going on. Neither Rob, Xander or Eric wanted anything to do with me after my confession. The other two I couldn’t blame, but Eric? I couldn’t live with him hating me. On top of that I got fired for continuously calling in to make time for three different men in three different cities. I didn’t want to live anymore so purchased a handgun and went back to my apartment ready to end it all. The last thing I remember is someone forcefully grabbing my body as the gun went off. It must have been Eric. He was trying to save my life and I almost took his. I felt like God kept me alive only to punish me for the choices I’d made. I didn’t know what else to do so I got up out of the wheelchair and ran.

It took all of six minutes before the nurses caught me and had me strapped back into bed. They say everyone rebels in different ways getting attention was mine. I was addicted to being wanted. Growing up with an overshadowing mother kept me away from certain experiences. Every man in my life put me on a pedestal and I loved and craved the attention they gave. Having more than one ensured that I never went without admiration. I was a queen that couldn’t survive without being acknowledged. With the help of Dr. Rose and the view of my pitiful life spiraling to non-existence, I came to realize that I could no longer avoid dealing with the complicated mess I had made. Finding respect for life and love was my first step to recovery. I learned to take responsibility and make wise long-term choices instead of less thought out decisions just for immediate gratification. The choices you make in life affect not only you but everyone around you. I hurt the people I loved and wasn’t sure If I could ever make it right again. The uncertainty of wondering if I could hurl my addiction into abyss to never return haunted me everyday. Despite my fears I gained the courage to move forward and grow as a person. All I can do is take it one day at a time.