Dickweed

This is a university project - An original monologue modeled after Jamaica Kincaid's "Girl" - http://www.turksheadreview.com/library/texts/kincaid-girl.html

Dickweed by Alex Mugford

“No, don’t wear that on your date. It makes you look like you’re trying too hard. Have you shaved yet? For god’s sake, shave your face. Women don’t like dirt bags. Well, okay, maybe some do, but that says something about the woman. Are those the shoes you’re wearing? No, those won’t do. Here take these. What tie do you plan to wear? That’s the one with the mustard stain, isn’t it? Oh man, it smells like beef jerky. Don’t wear that. How’s your hair lookin’? What’d you do? Stick your head in a bucket of chicken? Wash all of that gel out. Women like to rub fingers through hair, not tap on it like a football helmet. Alright, you’re lookin’ pretty good, don’t ya think? Now remember what we talked about. That whole game where you tried to get women by acting like a dickweed? Yeah…that doesn’t work. Well maybe it does for some women, but that says something about the women. What you’re after is the woman who spent all her life dating dickweeds, finally realized that she was dating dickweeds, and now is ready for a nice guy. And that’s what you are; a nice guy. We’re here to monopolize, my friend. Hold the door open, pay for dinner, compliment her beauty, say smart things, show kindness to her and to everyone that you meet tonight. Even if you see a piece of trash blowing away on the street, pick it up and throw it in the garbage. Trust me, every little bit counts.”
So if I see a piece of trash I’ll say something smart like, ‘If I were the Green Arrow I would shoot an arrow at it to stop it from blowing away’.
“Yes, exactly. That’s two birds with one stone. Well, if you really wanted to show her how kind you are you should be Robin Hood. You’d shoot an arrow at the trash to stop it from blowing away then give it to someone who needs it more than you. Oh, and another thing. I’m glad that you brought this up: Don’t talk about comic book heroes, especially the Green Arrow. Who the hell likes the Green Arrow? The Green Arrow is a dickweed, and that’s precisely what we’re trying to avoid here. Now where are you taking her?”
That new pasta place downtown.
“Oh good lord no. Not pasta. Anything but. You eat pasta like a vacuum cleaner. And that sound you make? My god. It’s like a rotten watermelon hitting a brick wall. Pasta is out of the question. What you gotta go for is things like fries, steak, rice, see what I mean? Don’t order anything you have to eat with your hands, because knowing you, it’ll explode in your face and bibs aren’t exactly a turn on. Now the woman can order what she wants because typically, women are daintier than men. If she is less dainty than you, then that says something about her. That’s when you run for the hills. But don’t be a dickweed about it, either. If this doesn’t work out and you’re a dickweed about it, word’ll get around. Trust me, man. You’ll be tainted for life. Women know these things. As soon as women hit thirty, their ovaries are like dickweed detectors. That’s why now is the time to act! Karma’ll come and bite you in the ass. Remember: Nice guys finish last, but hey – at least they finish. Now go get ‘em, tiger.”