Theory of Life and Death (WIP)

Theory of life and death, the chronicles of the grim reaper…………I’ve decided to write a journal of my life.  Why?  Because people really don’t understand death.  This may help those people who need or feel they have the need to understand why death comes to some people at the times it does.  I’m not a callous person, I’m not even a person I’m the grim reaper.  You should all bow down to me right now and kiss my feet.  Oh now I’m just kidding no bowing or kissing of the feet.  I love pulling that joke though at the family get togethers!

Oh yeah I have family, all immortals have family.  You’d be surprised to know who I was related too.  But I get ahead of myself again.  Most people want to know certain things about me I always hear them asking them.  However, I can’t answer them when they ask, hell how you would feel if you asked something about the grim reaper and boom I pop up?  I’m sure there would be some heart attacks happening, which would mess up the whole world and the timing of deaths.  Yes everyone’s death is planned by God, and I don’t want to make the big guy mad at me by killing someone early.  He’s got one heck of a temper.

So most people when they think of the grim reaper think of a skeleton that is wearing that robe, and carrying a big old scythe.  You’d be surprised to know that although I can look that way if I want, usually I’ll dress up that way on Halloween.  I have always loved dressing up on Halloween, so one year the wife said hey why don’t you dress up as you?  I had to stop and think about that for a bit, because I’m just a normal looking person, but she set me straight and said no like the skeleton and robe stuff.  You know how everyone thinks you look!  Oh ok, so she was the person who started out this kind of tradition in our house now. 

Well I stand about 6’ 5” have black hair that I keep short, although their was one bit of years that I tried the long hair look.  It was more of a pain than anything, you know when my hair got longer than the misses she cut it at night just enough to mess it up and make me go and get a crew cut.  Yes just like God my wife is one mean lady when she doesn’t get here way, so that’s why I will usually listen to her anymore.  It’s a heck of a lot easier than having to sleep outside in the doghouse.  One because the dog hates to share his shelter and two he farts in his sleep left and right, it’s really not a fun place to be at.  My biggest distinctive feature my wife would say is that I have these eyes that are such an odd shade of yellow.  I don’t know if I’ve always had this color of eyes or not, but I think they were different before I took over as the grim reaper.  But my eyes seem to always make people take at least one extra look at me.  This comes in very handy when you are going to take someone to either heaven or hell.  That second look is normally when I get them.  Besides the eyes the rest of me looks like any normal man who lives in any town across the world.  Those eyes though, the one’s my wife can stare into and see that at times it’s a tough job for me, and she knows just how to comfort me. 

Yes even I have a hard time killing and taking some people from their lives, it’s not easy, but you know what they say you gotta do the job you have, and well that’s how it is for me.  So my wife will help me out at times, if it’s just a normal day I’ll come home and she will have me a cold beer to drink, and some chips.  But on those rough days she’ll have the old bottle of Jack Daniels sitting there with a shot glass sitting beside it, I don’t always use it, if the day was really bad I’ll drink it straight from the bottle.  Life as the grim reaper has been one test after another, and that’s why the wife and I have sat down to write this little journal of how I do it.

Chapter 1: The beginning


Well I use to be a human being, living and breathing, yes the grim reaper was human.  But at that time it was another person who was the grim reaper, in fact it was my great uncle, yes old Uncle Herbert.  I didn’t know at the time how it skipped to me, or why I was chosen but I was, and it was hell.  I had a great life on that side, I was a single guy, enjoying life and getting in some trouble.  The ladies loved me, yes they did, and well you know it just goes to show you that no matter how good you have it, life isn’t always fair.

Remember that as you get older, everyone who has it good, doesn’t necessarily have it as good as you may think.  Yeah like I said the ladies loved me, but I was also a dumbass in some aspects.  I liked to spend a bunch of money and it would get me into serious trouble.  My ma, God bless her, always would tell me.

“Ryan you need to watch what you do, your going to get yourself into trouble and one day your going to piss off the wrong person.”  Well you know she must have been right because it was a night back in 1989, I was driving down the road listening to some  Berlin, and it happened really quick and fast.  A car pulled in front of me, I had no time to react, none whatsoever, next thing I know I was dead.

I found out later that for some reason Uncle Herbert had wiped my memory of those last few moments.  He showed me that I had really been gunned down by this one guy, Jimmy the Slug, yeah he was a loan shark, I owed him a bunch of money.  But hey I didn’t have it, so shit I really got the easy way out, or so I use to think.  Old Jimmy drove in front of me and laid out a bunch of bullets.  I had to have been hit by at least twenty, no way I could have lived.

Uncle Herbert took me to my funeral, damn it was really wild.  Though watching my moms crying, well it was hard.  I use to go and visit her all the time trying to comfort her as much as I could, but you know a kid should never go before their parent, but it happens all the time, believe me I do the job.

But at my funeral there were a whole bunch of girls all crying too, funny they never knew about each other until that day.  Hell if I would have made it through that shooting, I would have been dead by night fall, those bitches were pissed off at me big time.

So after that show, Uncle Herbert took me to see the big guy, yes God.  He told me how I was the next in line for the job as grim reaper, my Uncle had done the job for well over 300 years now, and it was time for him to rest.  The job seemed like it might really have some cool benefits to it at the time, but you know it was new and all at that time. 

Looking at it now I guess I wish I would have had another choice.  But you know the big guy, he doesn’t like anyone second guessing Him.  So here I was at age 36 beginning my career as the grim reaper.  All I could think of is how many chicks I could get as a dead guy who had this cool ass job!  Yeah my mind was still controlled by my lower head if you know what I mean.

God wasn’t too happy about a few of my earlier forays, but heck at least I couldn’t get a dead chick pregnant, or so I thought.

Chapter 2: The early Years



It wasn’t really the thought that I had to go about and get with all kinds of dead chicks, but heck they loved the power I had, and I enjoyed  the company of dead girls.  Some of them were missing a bit of flesh, but overall you really can’t be choosy at times like this.  I have had a few girls that were normal looking, well mostly.  The one who committed suickde she wanted to show me a good time to try and get into Heaven. Well I kind of lied to her and told her that it might work.

Yeah God did call me into his office after that one.  “Now Ryan, I know you’re a young guy, and you haven’t sowed all your oats, but damn boy, don’t be lieing to those girls anymore.”

I apologized and we moved on from there, He was always cool to me.  One of the reasons was he knew I was really a good boy deep down, but he also knew that Uncle Herbert hadn’t even bothered to train me on the job before leaving.  Nothing like being shoved into a job, not knowing a thing about it and needing to make sure you are accurate as all get out.

Oh speaking of accurate, there was a time I made a mistake.  I still say I was right, but you know God will never admit He was wrong.  I got this note saying to get one Jeromey Giles and bring him in.  He was to die on May 28th, 1990, heart attack.  Well of course as the grim reaper I need to be there and cause the heart attack.  I showed up at his place in San Antonio, Texas, and helped him along with the heart attack.  Soon we were cruising up to Heaven to see God and start old Jeromey on his orientation trip. 

“Hey he’s not the right guy.”  God said as we walked in the door.

“What do you mean, I got Jeromey Giles like the note said.” 

God took out his journal, “Nope sorry Ryan, but it says Jeromey Giles is to be white, you can see that this guy is white.”

“What?”  I was incredulous.  “J-E-R-O-M-E-Y G-I-L-E-S.”

“No it’s J-I-L-E-S.”

“It said G on my list.  What the hell?  Now what?”

“Well we have no choice this guy isn’t set to come here for another ten years.  Take him back.”

“How are you going to explain that one?”

“Don’t worry Ryan, I’ll take care of your mistake.”

“Wait my mistake?  No no, you spelled it wrong I know it was a G.”

God got a bit mad than, and well Jeromey G-Giles and I went flying back to San Antonio.  Yeah not a good thing to upset the main guy, or even to question Him, I never did it again after that.  Well maybe a few times, but really I still know it was a G!